My Life Being Bullied
I started to write down the names of all the people who have bullied
me, both physically and psychologically, in my life and I realize that I
could write forever about those experiences. It all started when I was a
very little boy. I was afraid to fight back when I was harassed and
soon everyone had my number. Even though I was popular and a good
athlete bullies would find me and pick up on my vulnerability.
So, eventually at school, in the playground, at a party or the movies, anywhere at all, a bully would test me and see that I would not stand up for myself. So, besides the shame and disgrace I felt then I would have to constantly be fearful of being around that guy. Hyper vigilance and constant anxiety became the cornerstones of my existence.
I am now 65 years old and things have not changed except the ages of the people who test me to see if I will become their victim. I can still be easily intimidated if a bully knows what to say or do to get in my head.
I have used so much mental energy torturing myself because of the continual shame and repulsion I have felt that even after being in therapy, taking medicine, engaging in cognitive behavior therapy, and sharing my innermost thoughts about my terribly damaged ego and lack of self esteem I cannot seem to get any lasting relief.
I am constantly in fear of events occurring that I cannot control but feel I must react to..Threats. Even irrational ones. It does not matter. A neighbor playing loud music, a dog barking nearby that is creating a disturbance, a bully in the street I see taking advantage of someone who cannot defend themselves, or any other situation where I feel that I will have to stand up and walk through the wall of fear to confront the bully behind the disturbance..
I am either afraid to act and do nothing and afterward will torture myself for cowardliness. Or, I face the fear and confront a person I think is a bully. Very often for the wrong reasons. I often end up not accomplishing my objective of resolving the problem but only exacerbate it. Sometimes, I do solve my perception of a bullying problem only to have another similar situation quickly appear.
Long ago I learned to face fear even if it is not justified. I just desperately need the release of facing the fear that I could not face when I was a little boy. I learned how to step into the mouth of terror often for the wrong reasons and then sometimes suffer terrible consequences. There is no winning . The aftermath is still feeling bullied by needing to correct a situation I should have never created.The victory can only be achieved in my mind. Self acceptance is my eternal quest.
It turns out that many of my actions were not about helping the victim, whether the victim is myself or another person but about resolving something that I should have resolved internally. Sometimes it is not bullying, it is my bullied personality creating or distorting a problem. If I were not so sensitized to any situation that could upset my delicate anti-bullying equilibrium I would filter out real situations from ones that I just blew up incorrectly.
It's a.painful life being bullied or being a victim.
So, eventually at school, in the playground, at a party or the movies, anywhere at all, a bully would test me and see that I would not stand up for myself. So, besides the shame and disgrace I felt then I would have to constantly be fearful of being around that guy. Hyper vigilance and constant anxiety became the cornerstones of my existence.
I am now 65 years old and things have not changed except the ages of the people who test me to see if I will become their victim. I can still be easily intimidated if a bully knows what to say or do to get in my head.
I have used so much mental energy torturing myself because of the continual shame and repulsion I have felt that even after being in therapy, taking medicine, engaging in cognitive behavior therapy, and sharing my innermost thoughts about my terribly damaged ego and lack of self esteem I cannot seem to get any lasting relief.
I am constantly in fear of events occurring that I cannot control but feel I must react to..Threats. Even irrational ones. It does not matter. A neighbor playing loud music, a dog barking nearby that is creating a disturbance, a bully in the street I see taking advantage of someone who cannot defend themselves, or any other situation where I feel that I will have to stand up and walk through the wall of fear to confront the bully behind the disturbance..
I am either afraid to act and do nothing and afterward will torture myself for cowardliness. Or, I face the fear and confront a person I think is a bully. Very often for the wrong reasons. I often end up not accomplishing my objective of resolving the problem but only exacerbate it. Sometimes, I do solve my perception of a bullying problem only to have another similar situation quickly appear.
Long ago I learned to face fear even if it is not justified. I just desperately need the release of facing the fear that I could not face when I was a little boy. I learned how to step into the mouth of terror often for the wrong reasons and then sometimes suffer terrible consequences. There is no winning . The aftermath is still feeling bullied by needing to correct a situation I should have never created.The victory can only be achieved in my mind. Self acceptance is my eternal quest.
It turns out that many of my actions were not about helping the victim, whether the victim is myself or another person but about resolving something that I should have resolved internally. Sometimes it is not bullying, it is my bullied personality creating or distorting a problem. If I were not so sensitized to any situation that could upset my delicate anti-bullying equilibrium I would filter out real situations from ones that I just blew up incorrectly.
It's a.painful life being bullied or being a victim.
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