COMPULSIVE GAMBLING: THE UNCONDITIONAL LOVER

Gambling. One of the nastiest monsters of the world. Feed it and it eats your soul. Starve it and it destroys your mind. To a real compulsive gambler the loss of gambling is good reason for perpetual mourning. Every ounce of desire in your body craves going back to gambling again.

The adrenaline, the euphoria, the joy of knowing you will be in action is enough to inspire any gambler to gamble again or relapse no matter how much they have lost. I am not just talking about lost money. I am talking about lost health, family, and friends. About losing everything that matters.

I gambled for over 50 years and lost it all. In the last nine years I have quit gambling and slowly rebuilt my life. Yet, I continue to long for my greatest friend and unconditional lover. Gambling. But I am no longer owned by that urge. I own it. But, I only own it one day at a time. So I stay on guard and keep working with other compulsive gamblers continually or I know I am doomed. Each day, I commit to not gambling that day and then I get to the next day. It's not easy but it's way better than dying.

I was a very big gambler betting on sports, craps, blackjack, anything at all. I would win or lose thousands of dollars a day. I had lost well over a million dollars in my life before I stopped gambling nine years ago. My last bet was on January 9, 2009. I also lost my priceless soul. I was a total degenerate.

The addiction of compulsive gambling is the same for all affected whether one bets nickels or thousands of dollars. It's all about powerlessness over gambling. A compulsive gambler cannot stop permanently without help. The help comes from joining Gamblers Anonymous which is totally free.

No one stops gambling on their own permanently. Will power alone will not make it. I tried many times and would stop for a few months or longer. But, the urge to gamble again waited patiently to take me down. Eventually, I would start gambling. I could not understand that I needed the help of other compulsive gamblers to stop gambling permanently. I quit over and over. But, I could not stay sober from betting.

Being destroyed financially, mentally, and emotionally is not enough. The monster inside my brain and every other compulsive gamblers brain still lives on unaffected by logic and reason. It says "You can do it David." You can set limits, you can avoid going out of control and enjoy the thrill of being in action." My rational mind keeps speaking at the same time. "Go to a Gamblers Anonymous meeting David. You are getting false messages. You are doomed if you gamble. You know that."

I do know that now. The gambling demon in my brain does not go away. It never will But, the evil voice tears at my irrational mind and says "just do it. "You will do it like a normal person this time. You will be ok" My logical mind needs constant reinforcement to say no to that urge everyday of my life. It says "David, you have tried to stop gambling and cannot do it alone."

My abnormal mind is a powerful, self destructive force that needs no nourishment. It never starves and is endlessly patient. It waits and waits tirelessly inside of myself and inside every other compulsive gambler. It says "Come to me David. You want me" It stalks me and tempts me like the sick, twisted, sociopath it is.

My solution, my lifelong answer came when I started to attend Gamblers Anonymous meetings regularly which are filled with people just like me. I faithfully attend GA meetings weekly, every week, no matter what else is happening. My GA meetings are the biggest responsibility I have. Meetings come before work, family, or anything else because I know that gambling will either drive me insane, put me in jail, or kill me.

So, I know that my life depends on not gambling and I need the support of other compulsive gamblers continually. I stay abstinent by going to Gamblers Anonymous meetings and sharing my feelings with other gamblers whether young or old whether they have been abstinent for one day or thirty years. I know that I need the positive reinforcement I get from being at GA meetings which are plentiful all over the country and the world.

I work the 12 steps of recovery with a sponsor and at group meetings. I deal with personal defects that caused me endless pain and suffering from gambling. Only from GA can I get the strength and support of others just like me who help me through each day.

Compulsive Gamblers all share the same feelings. Only other compulsive gamblers understand each other regardless of age, nationality, beliefs or any other denominator. We are all the same because we are powerless over gambling and our lives are unmanageable. It's easy to understand but tough to accept and stick with. But, thousands of men and women are recovering compulsive gamblers.

Look up Gamblers Anonymous online and find out where to call and where the local meetings are in your area. Google it.

Its easy to check out. A spouse or friend can check it out for you. There is a free, twenty four hour a day non stop helpline that can be called by anyone, anytime. Try it. 

I have not gambled a penny since January 9, 2009. If I can stop anybody can.

But, only with help.

You can only win if you don't play.

FOOTBALL ORGY BEGINS

Another season of not watching football  for me is here. I have not watched a televised football game for more than 5 minutes since I stopped gambling on football and everything else 14 years ago. 

It is so satisfying to not care about which team beats which team the entire season. Good for all the football freaks out there that the now get an unlimited new supply of football to love and cherish.

I would rather be playing pickleball, reading, working out, playing golf or doing any worthwhile task rather than living or dying by which team wins a football game. 

I know I’m in a small minority of people especially in recent years as football  popularity has blown up to monstrous proportions. 

So what? Who cares? 

Figure out those spreads. 

You’ll do great this season lol.

COMPULSIVE GAMBLING: YOU ARE NOT ALONE

Compulsive gambling is a mental illness that cannot be cured but can be arrested. I’m 72 and have been abstinent since Jan. 9, 2009. You can stop gambling too.

It starts with the willingness to make a FREE phone call. The call can come from the gambler or loved one.

Your questions will be answered! Contact:

FLORIDA COUNCIL ON COMPULSIVE GAMBLING 888-236-4848

24/7/365 for FREE INFORMATION: Problem Gambling operates the National Problem Gambling Helpline Network (1-800-522-4700). The network is a single national access point to local resources for those seeking help for a gambling problem. The network consists of 28 call centers which provide resources and referrals for all 50 states, Canada and the US Virgin Islands. Help is available 24/7 and is 100% confidential. The National Problem Gambling Helpline Network also includes text and chat services. These features enable those who are gambling online or on their mobile phone to access help the same way they play. One call, text or chat will get you to problem gambling help anywhere in the U.S. 24/7/365. Help is also available via an online peer support forum at www.gamtalk.org.

COACH DAVE MAY BE THE PERSON TO TALK WITH

I am someone who understands inner torment and can connect to many people who suffer from depression, anxiety, and addictions. 

The right person and the right words can be critical to finding relief. 

I am a retired, single male of 72. I  understand people like me and may be able to help you. 

I am a lifelong sufferer of addiction including, ocd, impulse disorder, adhd,  compulsive gambling, sex and love junkie. 

I have tried it all and found talk therapy works best.

Contact me.

Coach Dave

Free 1 hour consultation

COMPUTER HELL FOR 72 YEAR OLD GUY WITH OCD

It's computer dummy heaven today. I just figured out how to fix my laptop all by myself. It only required batteries but normally I would not have been able to even find where the batteries go. My new OCD mindfulness gave me a bonus. I am a 72 year old geezer but giddy as if I had just stolen my first high school kiss.

A fortunate life has been my blessing. But, as my mother used to say, "your worst enemy cannot do to you what you can do to yourself."

What a merciless self-assaulter I have been. We are talking mentally, The pain from a broken brain is ferocious.

I remember trying to lay my dead tired eight-year-old body in bed and go to sleep. But I couldn't. The pillow would not line up to my satisfaction with a thin line on the headboard. So, I would keep popping up out of bed like a jumping jack for hours on end trying to set the pillow exactly the way I wanted it. I would finally just flop into the bed, drenched in sweat, and then pass out because my little body was so exhausted.

The obsessions became worse as I got older. Physical confrontation became the centerpiece of my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. The word FEAR is central to my defective brain. I believe it is to everyone with OCD.

Facing danger, real or imagined, made physical confrontation my curse. I would be mentally obsessed to go back after someone who I decided had bullied me with words or deeds. It could have been a schoolmate from high school who I remember slapped me around thirty years before, or a person who insulted a lady at the golf course this morning who I thought and felt I should have confronted.

I could mentally grab onto any event and conclude that I had to be an avenging angel. All that had to happen was a thought, a mere thought, popping into my head. Bingo. The thought would not go away. Then off I would go to OCD hell.

My stomach would start rolling constantly. Only finding the misguided courage to act by confronting the bully would abate the fear. My delusional missions lasted from days to decades and sometimes in multiple forms. Than the fear would come back about the same thing or something else and often with even more inappropriate acts. I do not know how I led a somewhat normal life.

Symbolically, my efforts at trying to line up that pillow defined my life. Endlessly confronting and chasing people who I felt had picked on or bullied me. I could be tormented for any reason such as someone playing their music too loudly, or to allowing their dogs to bark, or feel that someone insulted me, or made fun of me, or criticizing me, or making what I thought to be an inappropriate remark to my girlfriends, or thoughlessly slammed doors, and countless other events that would provoke the same insanity in me that trying to adjust that pillow triggered.

All it took was for me to think that I was the victim. Then came the conclusion I had to even the score, to take vengeance.

Then the fear took hold. The fear of living for a confrontation I did not want but thought I had to have. Being consumed. Like a soldier anticipating battle. But an irrational battle for all the wrong reasons.

I fearfully and insanely provoked countless confrontations because of the misguided belief that I would get permanent relief after I resolved some issue. I would eventually end up worse off then I was before I started trying to solve the thing that triggered me.

I ended up in court, in front of judges, in jail, and in a mental hospital because of the degrees to which I would go to seek relief.

I went to so many shrinks, took so many pills, read so many books, and even today, I still can suffer as I write about these episodes of OCD sixty-five years later. It has no end. It continues to plague me.

I blessedly and gratefully have found pathways to relief through exercising, writing and journaling, meditating, deep breathing exercises, and just knowing that the OCD urge is just a thinking disorder and can and must be accepted and coped with. That sounds easy but it's not. It takes constant and consistent mind-bending work to come to terms with it. There is hope.

I am not violent or psychotic. I am a lifelong scared little boy who was told to go outside to face the bullies in the old neighborhood. I cried instead. My family's definition of courage was about fists and not words. It took a lifetime for me to recognize my family was fucked up, but with good intentions. They did not know macho was not a one size fits all hat.

After many years of good fortune, except for the few times getting punched and hurt by a neighbor who was slapping around his girlfriend and beat me up for interfering, I never paid a big physical price.

Mentally, it is another story.

I have been arrested several times for minor non-violent crimes. I have been in the mental ward. Everything was connected to OCD.

Endless hours, days, months, years of OCD torture have left me damaged mentally but okay enough to say I am much better after a lot of hard work.

I am now spending time learning how to let stuff go and accept my condition. I never really cared about standing up for myself except for a few times in my life where it was legitimate. It's selfishly only been about relieving the fear that I felt with no alternatives. That is erroneous and wrong.

Writing is an alternative for me. Playing ball, reading, volunteering, running, and almost any mental and physical activity are tools that work well in battling OCD.

Going to OCD group meetings and becoming friendly with and supportive of others who are afflicted, is terrifically helpful and a big step in recovering.

The irrational but overwhelming fear of the "what ifs" of not doing what you falsely believe you must do literally eats you up. However, once you are able to realize that the anxiety of OCD urges can be endured with training, life gets immeasurably better.

Saying no to debilitating OCD urges is the only way to get healthier. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is permanent, but can be effectively dealt with as with addictions like gambling or drinking and many others. It takes time and treatment.

12 step programs are effective.

You can do it.

Why becomes an obvious question to anyone reading this who does not have OCD.

Answer....

Normal brains do not involuntarily attach to abnormal thinking. OCD brains do. They are different chemically and they do not process thoughts correctly.

OCD is always about fear, fear, fear, whether you are compulsively checking and rechecking the stove, door, the dogs water, washing your hands, obsessing about harming a child, facing a bully or some other thought.

But, there are ways to safely treat OCD.

My hope is that this helps some fellow sufferers get some value from my self-knowledge, or even better, some relief.

I have just started to write again about OCD.

My Purpose is to help others with what this is about for me. There has to be more to life than my girlfriend, my dog, pickle ball, golf, eating and tormenting myself with new and age old major OCD issues.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is all about fear no matter where you start.

Fear can be conquered properly.

Go online and look at resources and blogs on OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder.) There is so much there for every sufferer.

Read about it. Find relief. It is there.

Here are some resources to use. I just want to help. I do not get paid in any way by anyone I mention. I Do not know them. I want to help.

I just Google, do my research, just as you should do.

Here are a few resources around the country that came up:

FHEHealth Restore 888-986-1382

Park Avenue Psychotherapy Associates 973-815-0777

Go To YouTube and punch up OCD

Call 720-605-1316

Call 305-856-9442

Call 754-227-6634

Online Therapy-312-955-1212

Good Luck

David S.

I am an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder sufferer associated with no one.

COMPULSIVE GAMBLING: YOU WIN ONLY IF YOU DO NOT PLAY.

Updated September 17, 2023

The adrenaline, the euphoria, the joy of knowing you will be in action is enough to inspire any gambler to gamble again and again  no matter how much they have lost. I am not just talking about lost money. I am talking about lost health, family, and friends.

About losing everything that matters.

I gambled for over 60 years and lost it all. In the last 14 years I have quit gambling and slowly rebuilt my life. Yet, I continue to long for my greatest friend and unconditional lover. Gambling.

Now, I am no longer owned by that urge. I own it. But, I only own it only day at a time. So, I stay on guard and keep working with other compulsive gamblers continually or I know I am doomed. Each day I commit to not gambling that day and to get to the next day without making a bet.

Compulsive gambling is an incurable, lifelong disease.That is the bad news. The good  news is the condition can be arrested. You can stop.

It's not easy but it's much better than going to jail, an asylum, or the cemetery.

I was a very big gambler betting on sports, craps, blackjack, or anything at all, everyday. I would win or lose thousands of dollars. I had lost well over 1 million dollars before I stopped gambling in 2009.

I lost everything including my priceless soul.

The addiction of compulsive gambling is the same for all affected whether one bets nickels or millions of dollars. We are powerless. Gamblers cannot stop. Help is needed.

The help comes from joining Gamblers Anonymous (GA) which is a totally free fellowship..

No one stops gambling on their own permanently. Will power alone will not make it. I tried many times and would stop for a few months or longer.

But, the urge to gamble waited patiently to take me down again and again. I would stay abstinent for one month to three years. Eventually, I would start gambling again.

I could not understand that I needed the help of other compulsive gamblers to quit gambling permanently. I always thought I could stop on my own. I never wanted to. 

So, I would say I was different.

Being destroyed financially, mentally, and emotionally was not enough to stop me. The monster inside my brain and every other compulsive gamblers brain still lives on unaffected by logic and reason.

 It says "come back to me. I love you no matter what you have done. You can gamble David. You can set limits, you can avoid going out of control and just enjoy the thrill of being in action like a normal person.”

Simultaneously, my rational mind always kept speaking the painful truth constantly saying. “You are powerless., you cannot stop gambling on your own”. 

My compulsive gambling mental illness is much smarter and stronger than my will.

"You are doomed if you gamble David.” That is the true inner voice.

That truth must be accepted 100%.

I do know that now. The gambling demon in my brain will never go away.! But, it can be stopped from doing any more damage.

The evil, patient, clever voice lies and tears at my rational mind and keeps saying "Just do it. You will be okay." 

My  powerless mind needs constant reinforcement to continue saying no to that urge everyday of my life. 

 It says "David, you have tried to stop gambling and cannot do it alone. Go to a gamblers anonymous meeting, Contact your GA. friends."

My sick mind is a powerful, self destructive force that needs no nourishment. It never starves and is endlessly patient. It waits and waits tirelessly inside myself and inside every other compulsive gambler. It screams "Come back to me David. You want me."

It stalks me and tempts me like the sick, twisted, sociopath it is.

My solution, my lifelong answer came when I started to attend Gamblers Anonymous meetings regularly which are filled with people just like me. I faithfully attend several Gamblers Anonymous meetings weekly, every week, no matter what else is happening. 

My GA meetings are the biggest responsibility I have.

Meetings come before work, family, or anything else because I know that gambling again will either drive me insane, put me in jail, or kill me.

So, I know that my life depends on not gambling and I need the support of other compulsive gamblers continually. I stay abstinent by going to meetings and sharing my feelings with other gamblers whether young or old and whether they have been abstinent for one day or thirty years.

I know that I need the positive reinforcement I get from being at GA meetings which are plentiful all over the country and the world. Just Google gamblers anonymous. Call the emergency phone service or have someone call for you. 

I work the 12 steps of recovery alone, with a sponsor, and at group meetings. I deal with the personal defects that caused me endless pain and suffering from gambling. 

Only from Gamblers Anonymous can I get the strength and support of others just like me who help me through each day.

Compulsive Gamblers all share the same feelings. Only other compulsive gamblers understand each other regardless of age, nationality, beliefs or any other denominator. We are all the same because we are all powerless over gambling and our lives are unmanageable. 

It's an easy concept to understand but tough to accept and stick with. But, thousands of men and women all over the world are successfully recovering compulsive gamblers.

Look up Gamblers Anonymous online and find out where to call and where the local meetings are in your area. Google Compulsive Gambling.

 There are thousands of meetings throughout the country everyday of the year. It is a totally FREE fellowship.

.There is a free, twenty four hour a day non stop helpline that can be called by anyone, anytime. Call it gamblers and spouses. It may save your life.

I have not gambled a penny since January 9, 2009. Before that I gambled everyday for over sixty years..

If I can stop anybody can.

But, only with help.

You can win only but only if you don't play.

Gambling is my deadly lover who I never intend to return to.

Compulsive gambling is the devil.

The National Helpline is:

1-800-522-4700 free.

It is an access point to local resources for those seeking information about a gambling problem.

Just check it out wherever you live. 

You cannot lose.

ONLINE GAMBLING SUCKS YOUR MONEY AWAY

WHY GAMBLING IS A LOSING IDEA  

This article was copied from  Counselor Sams Blog feedspot.com 10/23/2020 (attribution)

Participation in online gambling saw an increase, according to media reports, throughout the early months of COVID-19 restrictions with many sports suspended, and pubs, clubs and casinos temporarily closed. There was a risk that those who preferred to gamble in venue would turn to online gambling during this time.

Several restrictions have now eased as clubs and hotels reopened for business and the NRL and AFL competitions resumed, meaning more gambling options are available again. While online gambling could have been a distraction from boredom during restrictions, some may continue to gamble online, but it’s important to remember it’s not always worth the risk

In Australia, online gambling is regulated by the Australian Communications and Media Authority (ACMA). Online casino games and slot machines using real money are illegal in Australia, so if you come across a site offering these games online, it is most likely they are operated in another country even though they look Australian.

Before you gamble online, check if it’s a legal website on this register of licensed providers in Australia. If it’s not on the register it could be illegal.

1. Online gambling is not a fair game: Some gambling sites may look and feel legitimate, however, they may be based overseas outside the jurisdiction of Australian laws and consumer protections. Although over 65 of these sites have been blocked under Australian law, new sites appear all the time and many are targeted to Australians. On these black-market sites, you’re likely to get ripped off. If you win, you may never see your winnings. The site may disappear with your money or steal from your bank accounts. Unfortunately, you might not realise the site is dodgy until it’s too late. These sites are the gambling equivalent of scaling up a cliff-face without a rope or support. Information on gambling on overseas websites can be found on the Gambling Help NSW website. Further information about protecting yourself from illegal online gambling sites is available on the ACMA website. 
2. The odds are against you: Although many online gambling providers sell themselves as an easy way to make money, a bit of harmless fun, like any form of gambling, the house always wins. The system is set up to make the owners money. They will always take their percentages and the gambler will always lose in the long run.  To find out more information on the real odds of winning when gambling, check out the Gambling Help Online website.
3. Your phone — a ‘casino in your pocket’?: Online gamblers have access to multiple gambling apps on their phone. It’s important to consider how dangerous it is to have such easy access to gambling 24/7. With the new socially distanced lifestyles most of us are still observing under COVID-19, getting into the gambling ‘zone’ has never been easier or riskier. Over the course of an evening, money can leave your credit or debit card with ease.

Recently, Gambling Help counsellors have heard the story of some people gaining early access to their superannuation and losing it within days.

If you need some ideas about how to get started on improving your finances, mental health, or just want to chat, we can help. Get in touch with a trained counselor 24/7 on 1800 858 858 or chat to us online.

If you come across a dodgy gambling provider or want to make a complaint, you can get in touch with ACMA via their website, who will investigate further.

This article was copied from  Counselor Sams Blog feedspot.com 10/23/2020

1-800-522-4700

In the U.S.: The National Council on Problem Gambling Helpline offers a confidential, 24-hour helpline for problem gamblers or their family members at 1-800-522-4700.

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SEX GAMBLING AND LOVE IN A RAMBLING POORLY WRITTEN FORM

I just sat down at my laptop which I have not used for a few months. I have been blogging off and on for many years. I'm a bad procrastinator even though I love to write. In fact, it took me five years to make $106.94 from Google AdSense.  

I am a tall, thin, white haired 71 year old Jewish male who lives with his girlfriend in a nice over fifty five complex. She is sleeping soundly in the bedroom that I just left after sleeping only three hours when I really need eight hours. Cannot sleep. Lots of anxiety.

Its 3 am and I have swallowed a couple of Valium 10 mil. pills but they have not even phased me. Probably, too tolerant of them from too many years of being semi-addicted. But, I sure am glad I have them along with a stash of power packed Xanax tablets for insurance. I have ferocious demons.

Anyway, I got sidetracked. I was going to talk about one of my many neurotic fears. I developed a kidney stone several years ago and read that if you ever get one you would likely get another. So, I always wait for the pain when I pee. Scary thought. 

I just pissed and naturally my ocd kicked in and I thought about that kidney stone as pee  flowed easily. I am always grateful for certain small things that work as I have gotten older. Urinating normally is one of them after successful prostate surgery in 2015. 

 But, what would I do if I got another kidney stone attack right now? It's the midst of the corona virus pandemic. I live in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. The virus is severe here. My life would totally change in a heartbeat if I started having pain in my kidney and needed to go to the hospital ER for treatment.

I am grateful for small victories now, because I know about big defeats. I have learned gratitude from working the twelve steps of recovery in Gamblers Anonymous. I have been sober from gambling for over eleven years. It is one of my only accomplishment besides making beautiful children. 

 I think, what's the big deal? If I become overwhelmed with a medical problem and needed to go to the emergency room and never leave the hospital it's no great loss. I am expendable. That bothers me. 

I did not used to feel expendable when twenty five people worked for me and I had child support payments and was always wheeling and dealing to stay in gambling action. I also had a wild romance going on that sucked my loins dry but never left me feeling irrelevant.

 Once upon a time I was desperate every minute of every day to get my hands on enough money to sustain my degenerate existence.  

 Now, the craziness is all done. My kids are grown and all are healthy, happy, and wealthy needing nothing from me. When they were young I blew them off for gambling and women. I was mostly not around and left all three of them when they were small. I was a shit father but always loved them and stayed in their lives the best way I could.

 They love me very much but not like a regular dad but like a dad who is a friend. They know I  love them deeply. My reckless, irresponsible actions have hurt me very much.  I do love my life and  have had a great ride despite my contempt self destructive, addictive personality

 I also loved gambling and went wildly nuts for another woman,  Fortunately, my wonderful wife happily remarried a solid guy. She did almost all of the heavy living of raising the kids which she did perfectly.  She is also a fabulous grandmother to our seven grandchildren and a terrific wife to her lucky guy.

My long time soulmate and I met long ago after I was married about seven years. At first we existed on super intense sexual heat that turned into a love we have shared and successfully nurtured for each other. She is my angel, She is one of the lucky blessings of a lifetime. I played around a lot but stayed loyal to her even though she was with another.

We have stayed together for thirty five years although we never could live together for long.That is too complicated to go into now. It is a fascinating story I will tell later. 

 Back to me me me. What's the difference to the world whether I feel good and live my totally hedonistic no brainer life of being  with my long time love, living with my girlfriend, playing golf,  playing pickle ball, eating, watching CNN and playing with my sweet dog or not being here at all?

I feel some value because my soulmates husband died and she is alone and really does need me in some form that is platonic now but could morph again into romance as it has done many times in its connection. We will see as she adjusts to life without him and also see if I can live happily with my new girlfriend. 

But, I guess each person really does live for themselves in some form. I really am an egocentric, spoiled, entitled guy because I have been blessed in so many ways.

I do nothing much these days, certainly nothing very constructive. This blog is my only way of offering anything worthwhile to the world and to myself regarding matters of humanity and human existence. 

Otherwise, I'm just a lunk who happens to be supported by a rich long time love who generously covers my expenses. On paper I live the life men dream of. Except, I am a total fraud. 

My love was married to another guy for many years but despite that our relationship never ended. I have still remained her baby thankfully.  My long time love is alone and in pain. I try to be supportive as much as I can without blowing my cover. We have been undercover forever and lucky. We both hope it stays that way. 

She knows we cannot be with each other full time because I cannot sustain the mature relationship she requires. So, she understands why I must be in an immature relationship with my sweet, loyal girlfriend.  She is not begrudging or unhappy with me because she knows I love her intensely despite our relationship being weird. Not to us though. We will always be united.

Actually,  my new girlfriend and I get along fine. She lets me do whatever I want. We now make love about once a month versus a year ago when we made love once a day. I choke down 120 miligrams of Viagra and I'm good to go. 

The lovemaking is very good but there is virtually no communication. The intellectual interaction is with my long time lover who is brilliant and we understand each other well. We can talk forever. She gets me to a tee and I her. 

My new girlfriend and I have severe language barriers but we do fine just living together.  We are great roommates with benefits. 

Our dog is the major part of our life and is our common bond. We both love our dog unconditionally. He is our emotional support outlets.

I do not feel like writing anymore.
This is not written well but I am going to publish it anyway.
Whatever, 

David

COMPULSIVE GAMBLER TELLS HIS STORY

Back in 1947 my Mom and Dad had sex. I was the result and now I sit in my a little apartment almost 70 years later barely surviving. What a remarkable unforced error that act of love created.

I have had a life filled with  many wonderful benefits that most can only dream of. Yet, I have screwed it all up.

I was born into a family where there were already two older brothers twelve and thirteen years my seniors. Then, when I was only twelve daddy suddenly dropped dead leaving my two older brothers in charge of a very profitable family business which they already had been working in. My mom, myself, and the two brothers all were willed equal parts of the business with my end being entrusted to my mom till I was twenty five..

I was not a normal kid at all. I hated school and was always in trouble. I was not a bad boy just a clown and a spoiled brat. I did not care about school unlike my group of upper middle class friends who mostly went on to become lawyers and doctors. I continually flunked courses and barely graduated on time. I only cared about playing ball and gambling.

 I developed a pathological taste for gambling the first time I ever felt the rush of it. Gambling instantly became and continued to be my greatest love. That has a lot to do with why I am severely depressed, alone, and lonely most of the time.  I lost my mental health along with a fortune  Thanks to a wealthy family and a rich lover who now treats me as her child I survive nicely.

 I was about eleven when I started playing poker with my little friends. I almost always lost because I was a compulsive gambler from the get go. I was also a terrible gambler. I could not ever stop playing until I lost all my money.  I bet on horses, craps, roulette, blackjack, and sports. I gambled at everything I could .Even among other gamblers I was regarded as a chump.

 I finally surrendered to my powerlessness over gambling, quit, and started going to Gamblers Anonymous about nine years ago. I have not made a bet since 2009. Stopping gambling is my shining accomplishment of a mostly wasted life.

 Compulsive. gambling is the hardest addiction to give up. I know. I have also been addicted to cocaine, pot, alcohol, sex and overeating.. Gambling is the toughest and cruelest addiction. It is a silent destroyer.. If you refuse to stop gambling you end up insane, in jail, or dead without anyone ever knowing. The compulsive gambler must get help. One cannot stop permanantly on their own..

I never had any reservations about losing all my money because my rich mom could never say no to refilling my empty pockets after my desperate marathon crying sessions to her.. She bailed me out of debt time after time for years.

 When I was about twenty three I went into the family business .I was given a fat salary, a car, a nice office, insurance and they even paid my taxes. I should have been set for life.

 My middle brother Lou who I idolized forever because of his brains, athletic ability, popularity,  physical toughness, and total coolness set me up as a important employee. With a wave of his hand and an introduction to the gigantic staff I was a new family member to be respected.  Lou set it up so that I had all the amenities of an important businessman at my fingertips. Lou wanted me to feel good so I would be happy and make the business lots of money.

He had become my second father as soon as my dad died. Lou was always the brains of the growing and continually more successful family business.

Lou has been the ultimate perfect person to me as long as I have been alive. He loved me so much when I was a little kid and took me with him everywhere. He was a great athlete, a good looking very popular guy and smart as a whip. I idolized him. He has always been my hero. He has also always intimidated me brutally just by his presence. But, I have been trying to get his respect me entire life. He is superman to me.

 He was a great golfer and very early on made me feel that manhood and golf were synonomous. I would stand and sweat as I stood the in the tee box as he watched me dribble out one pathetic shot after another every year on my birthday when he would take me out to play. I would wait for that one day all year and then play like crap. I cannot put in words my self loathing for being incapable of hitting the ball well around him..

 I just froze as he watched me in the box. I would want to puke my guts up and throw a tantrum because of the frustration I felt walking down fairway after fairway while playing like crap. Lou never commented as I fumbled around the course.. His silent acceptance of my inability made it worse. Ironically, I was actually a very good golfer away frome his presence.
 
Lou knew I was a gambler.  He was a gambler too but not compulsive gambler like I am. I made no secret of my gambling. I was constantly telling Lou war stories of my gambling exploits. He was indifferent not knowing how sick of a gambler I really was and how much money I had been getting from my mom to cover debts and gamble with..

Mom finally busted me. She had run out of patience with my episodes of nagging and crying for cash. She explained to Lou how much of a degenerate I was. I had gone through $350,000 of her money in a few years.. I was only twenty four and also making a good salary and totally broke and in heavy debt.

Lou walked into my office, leaned over my desk and hit me in the mouth without saying a word. I fell out of my chair bleeding and looked up at him. He said "I just talked to mom"

He wrapped his his hand  around my neck and screamed that I would be fired from my cushy, no brainer, very well paid sales job in the family business and never get a dime of the equity I was going to inherit if he ever heard of me gambling again.

Then, he said the worst thing he had ever said to me. He told me that he was giving up on me forever.  He screamed that I was on my own and never look to him for anything. "We're finished", he screamed as I shook.  He spoke words I dreaded but hoped never would be spoken to me. He said that I had been a failure in everything my whole life. He said he thought I would straighten out after coming into the family business but that he was wrong.

I did not know my ownership of the business could not lawfully be confiscated.. I believed he could do anything he said he could.  I also lived for his approval with everything I did. I loved him so. Now, he had defined every fear of his opinion of me. I felt. My self esteem went to zero. I wanted his respect and admiration my whole life. I thought I had lost any chance of getting it back. I decided to try and prove myself anyway. I was determined to become a good employee and a respectable human being.

   I stopped gambling for a day or two. but I could not stay stopped.. I began stealing, lying, embezzling, and doing everything else I could think of to sneakily keep myself in action. I ended up stealing over $200.000 from the business over the next three years. Plus, I owed a fortune to friends and relatives. Also, I had started borrowing from juice men. They were chasing me and I was scared.

I finally confessed to Lou what I had done when I was terrified as the bad guys were chasing me to get paid. He said nothing. He just stared at me with the stare of a person who you are dead to. He only asked how much I owed the juice guys.. He settled with them.  Then, he pointed to the door.and did not say a word as I walked out knowing I was finished..  .

  Jack, the other brother just sat there smiling watching the whole show from his fancy desk.. Jack had always hated me and bullied me my entire life until one fateful day when he tried to intimidate me and I responded by smacking him in his big nose. From then on we never spoke in any form for the rest of his eighty two years.

He had ridden Lous coat tails his entire life..  He had gotten rich because of Lou. Jack and his family acted like Jack had made his millions with his own brains.  He was actually just window dressing who had been born right. He knew that I knew he was a fraud and I reminded him with many sarcastic remarks.

Lou was stuck with him but he never demeaned or embarrassed him because Lou did not need to do that. He was too classy.  His ego was solid as a rock as it should have been. Everyone knew that Jack would be selling shoes part time and need 10 other jobs just to make ends meet if not for Lous brains.

Everyone except Jack's three kids and loud mouth wife knew he was a\just putz.. He was in the business only because of his inheritance but his role was to do simple things only and to be quiet and be happy to live under Lou"s leadership. It always remained a mystery to myself and many others  that Lou did not figure a way to get Jack out of the business. But Lou accepted Jack as his fate.

I drove a cab, did some od jobs, and kept trying to make a score gambling with whatever money I could find. A few years passed.

Then, one night I met Julie, the girl of my dreams. I soon realized that I wanted a normal life. A few weeks after meeting Julie I walked back into the family bnusiness and into Lous office. He never looked up at me. "What?"he asked quietly. " I would like you to give me a chance and give me my job back" He stayed silent. "Please, I muttered. "I'm in love" "I need another chance" He said quietly "Go sit down and go to work". I loved him more then ever. "OK" I blurted out smiling widely. He still had not looked at me. I again believed I could make everything right with him,with Julie, and make a life. But, I still love gambling more the anything including myself.

.

Alone And Depressed Compulsive Gambler

Here I sit. I am a 66 year old male with absolutely no life. I have lived it already with very little success. I live nicely in a studio penthouse My old time rich ex-girlfriend pretty much supports me. I have enough money, with her constant help to be ver comfortable.  My health is OK although I do need prostate surgery eventually.

I woke up this morning about 11.30.  I was going to get dressed and go to work. I work for a private taxi service. I have beenj divorced for 25 years. I have a family including 3 kids and 3 grandchildren but I am alone. I know many people from a life filled with owning a big business, playing ball, gambling,  and going out with many women.  Bu, I am so all alone now..

I decided to cook some pork chops I bought yesterday. Then, I did get dressed and ate the  pork chops. Instead of leaving I turned on the TV program Cops and have sat here for 3 hours watching episode after episode..

I am so depressed I cannot put it into other words except this recap.. Now, I am having doubts as to whether I will go to work at all since I control my own time and hours. I have a Gamblers Anonymous meeting tonight. A bunch of guys meet before the meeting to have dinner. I am friends with all of them but I don't care about most of them and most do not care about me. Now, I will look at one of the online dating sites I subscribe to.

I was never lonely when I gambled. I could always bet and never feel lonely.I have not made a bet in almost six years. That  is my only bragging right. I am so alone.

A Compulsive Gamblers Tale

Gambling. One of the nastiest monsters of the world. Feed it and it eats your soul. Starve it and it destroys you mind. To a compulsive gambler the loss of gambling is good reason for perpetual mourning. Every ounce of desire in your body craves going back to gambling again. The adrenalin, the euphoria, the joy of knowing you will be in action is enough to inspire any gambler to gamble again no matter how much they have lost.

I am not just talking about lost money. I am talking about lost health, family, friends. I am talking about losing your whole life. I have gambled for over 50 years and almost lost everything. In the last five years I have quit gambling and slowly rebuilt my life. Yet, I continue to long for my greatest friend and unconditional lover. Gambling.
I was a very big gambler betting on sports, craps, blackjack. poker, and anything else I could wager on. I would win or lose thousands of dollars in one day. I figure out that I have lost well over a million dollars in my life. Enough to destroy me financially, mentally, and emotionally. But the money does not matter. It is an emotional disorder. It is an addiction that cannot be dealt with alone. Only other gamblers can help because they understand other gamblers, We are all the same. Groups are all over the country.

Still, the monster inside my brain lives on unaffected. It talks to me and says "You can do it David.". "You can set limits," "Don't go out of control, and enjoy the action. You want it." My rational mind keeps speaking at the same time. "Go to a G.A. meeting David. You are getting false messages. You are doomed if you gamble. You know that." I do know that. Now.
But, the evil voice tears at my my heart and says "just do it. "You will do it right this time. It will be OK." My logical mind needs constant reinforcement to tell me "No. Do not gamble, David" The evil gambling mind that is supported by emotion needs no nourishment. It never does..

The mind of a compulsive gambler will carry the compulsive gambling disease forever. That is the bad news. The good news is that there is help twenty four hours a day all year long in every state. There is a national hotline, website, and email address below to contact. You are not alone. There are millions of gamblers and many are able to stop, one day at a time, and change their lives..
I just celebrated my fifth year of abstinence. I have done a world of things in my 65 years of life. But none as big as stopping gambling. Everyone who cares about me knows that. I had never in the past been aware of family, friends, situations, or any the regular life experiences non-gamblers enjoy. My mind was always focused on how fast i could back into action again. Now, I pay attention to people, I'm not in a hurry to finish any activity, I am much more patient, kind, and empathetic. I am in the here and now..
So, the hardest thing for a gambler to accept is that he can never gamble again. That is too difficult to absorb immediately. But, the Gamblers Anonymous program is based on not gambling one day at a time. That is easier to accept.
The main thing is to recognize the problem. There is a whole segment of G.A for the friends and family who care about helping the gambler. It is an organization called Gam-Anon. There are Gam-Anon meetings all over even if the gambler them self will not come to a meeting.. The number is 718-352-1672 email gamanonoffice@gam-anon.org. Website http://www.gam-anon.org/

GAMBLER. GET HELP

Call 626 960-3500 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Or, go to the website www.gamblersanonymous.org

email isomain@gamblersanonymous.org
Thanks for allowing me to share this with you.

i hope it helps you..

Take a step forward.

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I Am A Compulsive Gambler

I am a compulsive gambler. Do you know what that means? It means that I love gambling more then I love anything else. I have lost almost all of the money I have ever made. I am now 65 years old and struggling to get by. I should be a millionaire many times over. I should have the respect of my family, friends, and many others. Instead, I only have respect from people who are in the Gamblers Anonymous meetings I attend. I have not made a bet in over 4 years as of today. Yet, I struggle constantly to resist this evil demon that pollutes my soul. I work, read, write, see my family, friends yet I cannot be comfortable with a normal life. My desires lie deep in the hell called gambling. If I were given a billion dollars to use as i pleased I would lose it all gambling. That is because there ois no cure for compulsive gambling. We are stuck with an abnormal brain forever that craves the action that always leads back to self destruction. So, I live a life of desperation. I go to GA meetings several times each week. I talk to others in the program who are the only ones who understand me. The struggle goes on and on. That is why the recidivism rate is so high. Because the gambling monster is my unconditional lover waiting for me to get sad, mad, glad or have any other feeling that will propel me back into action. So, here I am. Do you want to trade places Mr.or Mz. Gambler? You know if your relationship with gambling is abnormal. You know if you are headed towards disaster. Do you have the courage to resist those urges and change? If you do there is a Gambler Anonymous meeting near you. Look up the GA number, make the phone call, talk to someone at GA who will assuredly answer your call and give you suggestions. Save you life. The national number is 626-960-3500. Make your next bet on yourself.

Compulsive Gambler Says No No No To Gambling

I'm dying to gamble. It could be going to the casino and playing poker, slots, craps. It could be playing poker online. It could be betting on basketball, hockey, or anything at all. I will gamble on flipping coins for thousands of dollars.

 I am a sick, degenerate compulsive gambler. Yet, I sit in my penthouse apartment writing, watching TV, talking on the phone and doing anything but gambling. Why don't I? considering the horrible urge I feel to  just do it. No. No. No.  I have not made a bet since January 9, 2009.  I don't intend to. Today.

That is why I now have some money now, can sleep, can afford to support myself, have no bills that are late, no bookmakers chasing me, no credit card companies or banks hunting me down.and all the other problems that come with being a compulsive gambler. So, my painful effort to not give into my urge is part of the price that must be paid in return for the freedom of not being broke and miserable.

I have to tell myself this story because for fifty of my sixty four years I lost every dime I made. I lost millions. I cheated my family, friends, business associates and am lucky to be sitting here with my biggest problem being unable to gamble.

It would be easy to lie to myself and decide I could gamble for small amounts and not let it get out of control. I might even be able to do it for a while. But, eventually the gambling demon would take me over. I would lose all control.  That would be the road back to a hell that I have already been to several times.

Instead, I go to Gamblers Anonymous twice a week or more every week of the year. I listen again and again to stories of have heard before. They are sad stories from people who are compulsive gamblers but will not stop. Only about 2% of the people who come to a Gamblers Anonymous meeting stay abstinent beyond a single year. Most come to a few meetings because of their wive, husband, or girlfriend and they never come back or come back years later and then like me relapse again and again. I relapsed four times before I quit over four years ago.

I continually take my medicine which is going to meetings, being involved with other compulsive gamblers, writing about gambling and whatever else I need to do to distract myself from gambling urges. Compulsive Gambling is an evil, diabolical, insidious disease that shows no mercy. There is no medicine besides self help.

Golden Handcuffs For Compulsive Gambler

What a wonderful day in Chicago. It's about noon on Tuesday and the snow is falling like crazy. I live 29 stories high in a fancy penthouse. I just went out shopping for food and prostate medicine since it appears the city will be buried for a few days. I have enough money to live on, good health, great kids. I am missing a woman in my life who I have been searching furiously for on www.match.com where I have  success even at 64.
One problem. All of this does not allow me to do what I want to do most. I want to gamble. I am a compulsive gambler and despite being one of the luckiest men alive I miss my lover. The dice tables and poker tables are 40 minutes away and I cannot go to them.

If I do gamble again I will probably lose everything. I know that. I know I cannot betray the trust I have been shown. So, I will write, work out, and keep hunting for a new lady. It is like being held in a penthouse jail with golden hand cuffs. I can do anything I want except bet. Life is so unfair