SEX GAMBLING AND LOVE IN A RAMBLING POORLY WRITTEN FORM

I just sat down at my laptop which I have not used for a few months. I have been blogging off and on for many years. I'm a bad procrastinator even though I love to write. In fact, it took me five years to make $106.94 from Google AdSense.  

I am a tall, thin, white haired 71 year old Jewish male who lives with his girlfriend in a nice over fifty five complex. She is sleeping soundly in the bedroom that I just left after sleeping only three hours when I really need eight hours. Cannot sleep. Lots of anxiety.

Its 3 am and I have swallowed a couple of Valium 10 mil. pills but they have not even phased me. Probably, too tolerant of them from too many years of being semi-addicted. But, I sure am glad I have them along with a stash of power packed Xanax tablets for insurance. I have ferocious demons.

Anyway, I got sidetracked. I was going to talk about one of my many neurotic fears. I developed a kidney stone several years ago and read that if you ever get one you would likely get another. So, I always wait for the pain when I pee. Scary thought. 

I just pissed and naturally my ocd kicked in and I thought about that kidney stone as pee  flowed easily. I am always grateful for certain small things that work as I have gotten older. Urinating normally is one of them after successful prostate surgery in 2015. 

 But, what would I do if I got another kidney stone attack right now? It's the midst of the corona virus pandemic. I live in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. The virus is severe here. My life would totally change in a heartbeat if I started having pain in my kidney and needed to go to the hospital ER for treatment.

I am grateful for small victories now, because I know about big defeats. I have learned gratitude from working the twelve steps of recovery in Gamblers Anonymous. I have been sober from gambling for over eleven years. It is one of my only accomplishment besides making beautiful children. 

 I think, what's the big deal? If I become overwhelmed with a medical problem and needed to go to the emergency room and never leave the hospital it's no great loss. I am expendable. That bothers me. 

I did not used to feel expendable when twenty five people worked for me and I had child support payments and was always wheeling and dealing to stay in gambling action. I also had a wild romance going on that sucked my loins dry but never left me feeling irrelevant.

 Once upon a time I was desperate every minute of every day to get my hands on enough money to sustain my degenerate existence.  

 Now, the craziness is all done. My kids are grown and all are healthy, happy, and wealthy needing nothing from me. When they were young I blew them off for gambling and women. I was mostly not around and left all three of them when they were small. I was a shit father but always loved them and stayed in their lives the best way I could.

 They love me very much but not like a regular dad but like a dad who is a friend. They know I  love them deeply. My reckless, irresponsible actions have hurt me very much.  I do love my life and  have had a great ride despite my contempt self destructive, addictive personality

 I also loved gambling and went wildly nuts for another woman,  Fortunately, my wonderful wife happily remarried a solid guy. She did almost all of the heavy living of raising the kids which she did perfectly.  She is also a fabulous grandmother to our seven grandchildren and a terrific wife to her lucky guy.

My long time soulmate and I met long ago after I was married about seven years. At first we existed on super intense sexual heat that turned into a love we have shared and successfully nurtured for each other. She is my angel, She is one of the lucky blessings of a lifetime. I played around a lot but stayed loyal to her even though she was with another.

We have stayed together for thirty five years although we never could live together for long.That is too complicated to go into now. It is a fascinating story I will tell later. 

 Back to me me me. What's the difference to the world whether I feel good and live my totally hedonistic no brainer life of being  with my long time love, living with my girlfriend, playing golf,  playing pickle ball, eating, watching CNN and playing with my sweet dog or not being here at all?

I feel some value because my soulmates husband died and she is alone and really does need me in some form that is platonic now but could morph again into romance as it has done many times in its connection. We will see as she adjusts to life without him and also see if I can live happily with my new girlfriend. 

But, I guess each person really does live for themselves in some form. I really am an egocentric, spoiled, entitled guy because I have been blessed in so many ways.

I do nothing much these days, certainly nothing very constructive. This blog is my only way of offering anything worthwhile to the world and to myself regarding matters of humanity and human existence. 

Otherwise, I'm just a lunk who happens to be supported by a rich long time love who generously covers my expenses. On paper I live the life men dream of. Except, I am a total fraud. 

My love was married to another guy for many years but despite that our relationship never ended. I have still remained her baby thankfully.  My long time love is alone and in pain. I try to be supportive as much as I can without blowing my cover. We have been undercover forever and lucky. We both hope it stays that way. 

She knows we cannot be with each other full time because I cannot sustain the mature relationship she requires. So, she understands why I must be in an immature relationship with my sweet, loyal girlfriend.  She is not begrudging or unhappy with me because she knows I love her intensely despite our relationship being weird. Not to us though. We will always be united.

Actually,  my new girlfriend and I get along fine. She lets me do whatever I want. We now make love about once a month versus a year ago when we made love once a day. I choke down 120 miligrams of Viagra and I'm good to go. 

The lovemaking is very good but there is virtually no communication. The intellectual interaction is with my long time lover who is brilliant and we understand each other well. We can talk forever. She gets me to a tee and I her. 

My new girlfriend and I have severe language barriers but we do fine just living together.  We are great roommates with benefits. 

Our dog is the major part of our life and is our common bond. We both love our dog unconditionally. He is our emotional support outlets.

I do not feel like writing anymore.
This is not written well but I am going to publish it anyway.
Whatever, 

David