Here I sit once again. Its a beautiful, windy day in southern Florida and I am so miserable. I am tormented by OCD( obsessive compulsive disorder). I am writing partly because I am no longer a football fan and the NFL is raging on TV but I have no interest in any of the games and scores. I used to but 14 years ago after losing a fortune I quit gambling. I mean there is nothing more than I would love bet football games than drive over to one of the casinos that is within minutes of my gated community and play hold em poker. But, I would lose. If not today than tomorrow, Because I have no control once I start to gamble. I'm powerless like I am over my OCD. I cannot stop. I would go from poker, to the crap table to blackjack to baccarat while stopping in the sports book to bet games.
Normally, I would be outside playing golf or pickleball today. But, I hurt my 75 year old back yesterday overdoing the pickleball and there are no golf games today because all my golfing guys are watching football.
Also, I have terrible OCD which has made my life miserable for as long as I can remember. I don't check the lights or the door over and over or any of that shit. My OCD is having obsessions in my mind demanding I seek retribution against anyone who has spoken to me insultingly, embarrassed me, or did something I think I have to rectify in a face to face confrontation. Not a physical fight because I am not violent. Words only.
Right now, I have had this 82 year old guy on my mind who insulted me several years ago in an old mans softball game.. I have tried to find him several times to say "you owe me an apology" and I have looked for him at a bunch of ballfields and bars he used to go to but with no luck.
I did talk to him and text him but he just would not give me the satisfaction of really listening to me so I could get that apology. So, seeing him face to face is the only thing I want to do which I am sure will make things worse since he does not even know anything is wrong.
Also, I have been in real trouble for chasing after other people who I had gotten into an argument with, or who had intimidated me begging them to to either shake hands, apologize to me, allow me to explain myself or anything to get rid of the thought that I had to confront them off my mind. Desensitization is the word.
It has resulted in harmless physical fighting, and all kinds of other things so I could stop thinking about someone who offended me. The problem is that if I actually settle an issue another issue pops up and the mental torment returns, Or, the same issue gets mor complicated.
My OCD is never about hurting anyone I am chasing. I never have hurt anyone intentionally. Anyway, I know where this 82 year old guy lives and plays ball. Trouble comes after I do occasionally chase someone down. Because I always want to tell them more after the confrontation is over and since they do not know its OCD and then they get scared and the next thing you know I'm standing in front of lawyers and a judge.
So, I am afraid to really go to this guys house or keep chasing him around places where he goes became I 'm lucky I have not found him or this could already be a much bigger problem. It always happens that way. This man probably does not even remember the little nothing argument we had. Also, he would think I was crazy if he listened to my whole spiel. Then, I'd be obsessed trying to get him let me explain to him I was not crazy.
So, without going further this is OCD and has nothing to do with anything but my own sick mind. I try and try to let this go like all the other obsessions I have experienced but it is an almost superhuman feat to change thinking that tells you to do the wrong thing instead of the right thing which is work on myself and not a symbol.. Believe me, I have had a ton of therapy, pills, meditation, and other writing.
My OCD still comes down to me accepting it and not trying to fight the OCD but realizing its really me that is the problem and not some guy I do not care about.
I'm not going to edit this story and keep editing until its a worthy article. This is all about me. Thanks.
David
