I always play golf on the weekends with a group of about eight guys. We are all personal friends some closer than others.
I am very good friends with one of the guys. We are all between the ages of forty five and seventy two years old me being the oldest.
I have experienced a lifetime of being bullied whether it is mental or physical. I've made a very big effort to stand up for myself with words and deeds. It is scary and tormenting to act when you are afraid but one must face fear when necessary.
Sometimes I succeed and many other times I do not in defending myself. Complicating things is my severe lifelong emotional disorder with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).
Without going deep into an analysis of my particular condition which centers around fighting back when I feel victimized I will point out a case in point to explain exactly why I feel bullied right now.
The guy I am very close to is also a bully. His bullying tools are not his muscles but his mouth and alpha personality.
I love this guy usually. We have a ton of fun and mutual understanding when he is not being an abusive asshole. I believe he really does not want to be a bully.
I have called him out on it many times but bullying is baked into his personality. He has responded to my unprofessional but intelligent therapies to some degrees. But, not enough.
We have disagreements and he gets defensive because he thinks I am bullying him with words and abstract concepts which are a problem for him. He thinks I am too smart which is not true.
Anyway, he told me big words intimidate him so I try not to use them.
Unlike him, I try to control my vocabulary when around him. He does not extend me the same sensitivity.
My main problem with him occurs on the golf course. He is a great golfer. I am a bad golfer who keeps on playing because I love the game,
I do have moments of brilliance, and I love and hate playing with my bully friend who is both my cheering section and my relentless taskmaster when I do not follow his instructions or disagree with him.
Last night I called another guy in the group who makes the golf time reservations. I played so badly yesterday and my back was so sore that I called him to cancel myself for today's game.
I wanted to make sure I was not causing a problem for anyone else in screwing up the times. He said no problem so I thanked him and went to sleep.
Today, I awoke to find a text from my main tormentor. It simply had a thumbs down symbol on the message. My frenemy learned I cancelled out and did not know if I was sick, hurt, or just did not want to play.
He did not care.
He narcissistically reacted by punishing me. He likes me being out there because the guy strangely does love me. I have empathized with this man through many of his own issues where he needed comfort, and understanding.
That mattered not when he saw I would not play today. To defend myself I left him a voice mail which he did not yet respond to.
I also wrote him a text in which I said that if he sent the thumbs down symbol because of being very disappointed I will not be there that's one thing.
If he sent it because he is angry that I blew off the game that is something else.
I wrote that if you did it just to make me feel bad you lack empathy which is a subject we have discussed.
We will see what happens. It's probably wasted words.
So, that is my story this morning, I have decided to write about my experiences in my seventy two years of being victimized.
Being bullied has literally driven me crazy. It has also made me stronger and wiser.
I will share stories and accept your stories if a bullying blog takes off.
I hope it does because we all have stories to tell and read about..
