BEING BULLIED IS A LIFETIME SENTENCE OF TORMENT

 

I was just a little five year old boy waiting in line to be let into my first grade class. It was 1953 at a Chicago Elementary school named De-Witt Clinton located on the north side of the city where I grew up.

It was the first day of the semester and I did not know many of the forty or so kids in line also waiting to go to their first day of class.  

For no reason a boy I had never seen before walked in front of me and said "Hey kid, ever been kicked in the balls?"

"No", I innocently answered.

 He then kicked me squarely in my small crotch. I doubled over in pain, went down, and started to cry.

 As I caught my breath and stood up the last thing on my mind was hitting or retaliating against him. I was too scared and ashamed. 

The other kids standing around laughed at my misery. They taunted me mercilessly. "Fight, fight, fight," they screamed.

I felt humiliated and victimized.

I already knew what bullying was and had seen it done to others.

I knew I had been had.

Instinctively, I knew that attacking Larry, who was standing there laughing, was theonly move but I was too afraid to act.

I could not overcome that horrid feeling of being afraid to fight..

That was the first time I remember being bullied. It would not be the last. 

Many others also bullied me throughout my life.  

I did not stand up for myself or others countless times because I was scared to. Being intimidated became part of my soul.

That nauseating feeling of fear turned out to be the core of my frightened existence.

 Being intimidated and cowardly has been the paralyzing demon that has controlled my mind.  Either actions or words can cow me.

After being targeted continually I learned quickly that bullies can  be dealt with by guys with the courage to fight which I did not have. 

I never learned until much later there were other ways to deal with bullies. 

 So, I became more and more incapacitated around people who I judged to be tough and macho.

 A bullying victim must suffer devastating consequences both internally and externally. I did and do.

Even after much therapy and understanding that my fears of being bullied are usually irrational and incorrect it did not change the self loathing I have always felt.

Much later in life I would intentionally face terrifying and dangerous situations to rid myself of the feeling of being a coward.

I faced and fought bullies.

 I would feel better for a while or conversely make a situation much worse when retaliating against someone who I thought had physically or mentally bullied me.

Either way, the feeling of fear always returned. 

Another bully has always been there because the real bully is my mind.

 I have not been able to live with the incurable emotion that I will always be vulnerable around people who intimidate me.

I have struggled valiantly to the point that I now have to resist the impulse to fight rather then surrender to it.

 Like any addiction (ocd) demands resisting an urge. I am better now but it is like carrying boulders on my shoulders each day.

It is always flight or fight in my tormented mind. It's a paradox because whether I fight or fly the cowardly feeling in me waits patiently to take charge again. 

Now, it's mostly words and deeds rather than physical action. But, it is all the same in my brain.

My life is all about relieving that intimidated feeling that never rests. The answer lies in self acceptance. 

It can be found at times and than vanishes.

I'm perpetually on guard for any situation where I fear I may get that cowardly feeling in my stomach and mistakenly think that only facing fear will relieve it.

 Allowing the feeling of fear to desensitize without doing anything is the real answer.  That comes with much therapy. (ocd)  Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is tough as nails to battle but therapy works. 

I learned that the real objective is to accept the fearful feelings and not flee from them but let them live without becoming paralyzed by them.

 I continue the endless battle to not react to those around me who instill fear in me.

  Now, not acting out is my answer but I cannot ever forget what Larry did to me.

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COMPUTER HELL FOR 72 YEAR OLD GUY WITH OCD

It's computer dummy heaven today. I just figured out how to fix my laptop all by myself. It only required batteries but normally I would not have been able to even find where the batteries go. My new OCD mindfulness gave me a bonus. I am a 72 year old geezer but giddy as if I had just stolen my first high school kiss.

A fortunate life has been my blessing. But, as my mother used to say, "your worst enemy cannot do to you what you can do to yourself."

What a merciless self-assaulter I have been. We are talking mentally, The pain from a broken brain is ferocious.

I remember trying to lay my dead tired eight-year-old body in bed and go to sleep. But I couldn't. The pillow would not line up to my satisfaction with a thin line on the headboard. So, I would keep popping up out of bed like a jumping jack for hours on end trying to set the pillow exactly the way I wanted it. I would finally just flop into the bed, drenched in sweat, and then pass out because my little body was so exhausted.

The obsessions became worse as I got older. Physical confrontation became the centerpiece of my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. The word FEAR is central to my defective brain. I believe it is to everyone with OCD.

Facing danger, real or imagined, made physical confrontation my curse. I would be mentally obsessed to go back after someone who I decided had bullied me with words or deeds. It could have been a schoolmate from high school who I remember slapped me around thirty years before, or a person who insulted a lady at the golf course this morning who I thought and felt I should have confronted.

I could mentally grab onto any event and conclude that I had to be an avenging angel. All that had to happen was a thought, a mere thought, popping into my head. Bingo. The thought would not go away. Then off I would go to OCD hell.

My stomach would start rolling constantly. Only finding the misguided courage to act by confronting the bully would abate the fear. My delusional missions lasted from days to decades and sometimes in multiple forms. Than the fear would come back about the same thing or something else and often with even more inappropriate acts. I do not know how I led a somewhat normal life.

Symbolically, my efforts at trying to line up that pillow defined my life. Endlessly confronting and chasing people who I felt had picked on or bullied me. I could be tormented for any reason such as someone playing their music too loudly, or to allowing their dogs to bark, or feel that someone insulted me, or made fun of me, or criticizing me, or making what I thought to be an inappropriate remark to my girlfriends, or thoughlessly slammed doors, and countless other events that would provoke the same insanity in me that trying to adjust that pillow triggered.

All it took was for me to think that I was the victim. Then came the conclusion I had to even the score, to take vengeance.

Then the fear took hold. The fear of living for a confrontation I did not want but thought I had to have. Being consumed. Like a soldier anticipating battle. But an irrational battle for all the wrong reasons.

I fearfully and insanely provoked countless confrontations because of the misguided belief that I would get permanent relief after I resolved some issue. I would eventually end up worse off then I was before I started trying to solve the thing that triggered me.

I ended up in court, in front of judges, in jail, and in a mental hospital because of the degrees to which I would go to seek relief.

I went to so many shrinks, took so many pills, read so many books, and even today, I still can suffer as I write about these episodes of OCD sixty-five years later. It has no end. It continues to plague me.

I blessedly and gratefully have found pathways to relief through exercising, writing and journaling, meditating, deep breathing exercises, and just knowing that the OCD urge is just a thinking disorder and can and must be accepted and coped with. That sounds easy but it's not. It takes constant and consistent mind-bending work to come to terms with it. There is hope.

I am not violent or psychotic. I am a lifelong scared little boy who was told to go outside to face the bullies in the old neighborhood. I cried instead. My family's definition of courage was about fists and not words. It took a lifetime for me to recognize my family was fucked up, but with good intentions. They did not know macho was not a one size fits all hat.

After many years of good fortune, except for the few times getting punched and hurt by a neighbor who was slapping around his girlfriend and beat me up for interfering, I never paid a big physical price.

Mentally, it is another story.

I have been arrested several times for minor non-violent crimes. I have been in the mental ward. Everything was connected to OCD.

Endless hours, days, months, years of OCD torture have left me damaged mentally but okay enough to say I am much better after a lot of hard work.

I am now spending time learning how to let stuff go and accept my condition. I never really cared about standing up for myself except for a few times in my life where it was legitimate. It's selfishly only been about relieving the fear that I felt with no alternatives. That is erroneous and wrong.

Writing is an alternative for me. Playing ball, reading, volunteering, running, and almost any mental and physical activity are tools that work well in battling OCD.

Going to OCD group meetings and becoming friendly with and supportive of others who are afflicted, is terrifically helpful and a big step in recovering.

The irrational but overwhelming fear of the "what ifs" of not doing what you falsely believe you must do literally eats you up. However, once you are able to realize that the anxiety of OCD urges can be endured with training, life gets immeasurably better.

Saying no to debilitating OCD urges is the only way to get healthier. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is permanent, but can be effectively dealt with as with addictions like gambling or drinking and many others. It takes time and treatment.

12 step programs are effective.

You can do it.

Why becomes an obvious question to anyone reading this who does not have OCD.

Answer....

Normal brains do not involuntarily attach to abnormal thinking. OCD brains do. They are different chemically and they do not process thoughts correctly.

OCD is always about fear, fear, fear, whether you are compulsively checking and rechecking the stove, door, the dogs water, washing your hands, obsessing about harming a child, facing a bully or some other thought.

But, there are ways to safely treat OCD.

My hope is that this helps some fellow sufferers get some value from my self-knowledge, or even better, some relief.

I have just started to write again about OCD.

My Purpose is to help others with what this is about for me. There has to be more to life than my girlfriend, my dog, pickle ball, golf, eating and tormenting myself with new and age old major OCD issues.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is all about fear no matter where you start.

Fear can be conquered properly.

Go online and look at resources and blogs on OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder.) There is so much there for every sufferer.

Read about it. Find relief. It is there.

Here are some resources to use. I just want to help. I do not get paid in any way by anyone I mention. I Do not know them. I want to help.

I just Google, do my research, just as you should do.

Here are a few resources around the country that came up:

FHEHealth Restore 888-986-1382

Park Avenue Psychotherapy Associates 973-815-0777

Go To YouTube and punch up OCD

Call 720-605-1316

Call 305-856-9442

Call 754-227-6634

Online Therapy-312-955-1212

Good Luck

David S.

I am an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder sufferer associated with no one.

Bullied For Life

I started to write down the names of all the people who have bullied me, both physically and psychologically, in my life and I realize that I could write forever about those experiences. It all started when I was a very little boy. I was afraid to fight back when I was harassed and soon everyone had my number. Even though I was popular and a good athlete bullies would find me and pick up on my vulnerability.

So, eventually at school, in the playground, at a party or the movies, anywhere at all, a bully would test me and see that I would not stand up for myself. So, besides the shame and disgrace I felt then I would have to constantly be fearful of being around that guy. Hyper vigilance and constant anxiety became the cornerstones of my existence.

I am now 65 years old and things have not changed except the ages of the people who test me to see if I will become their victim. I can still be easily intimidated if a bully knows what to say or do to get in my head.

I have used so much mental energy analyzing myself because of the continual shame and repulsion I have felt that even after being in therapy, taking medicine, engaging in cognitive behavior therapy, and sharing my innermost thoughts about my terribly damaged ego and lack of self esteem I cannot seem to get any lasting relief.

I am constantly in fear of events occurring that I cannot control but feel I must react to..Threats. A neighbor playing loud music, a dog barking nearby that is creating a disturbance, a bully in the street I see taking advantage of someone who cannot defend themselves, or any other situation where I feel that I will have to stand up and walk through the wall of fear to confront the bully.

I am either afraid to act and do nothing and afterward will torture myself for cowardliness. Or, I face the fear and confront a person I think is a bully for the wrong reasons. I often end up not accomplishing my objective of resolving the problem but exacerbate it. Sometimes, I do solve my perception of a bullying problem only to have another similar situation quickly appear.

Long ago I learned to face fear even if it is not justified. I just need the release of facing the fear that I could not face when I was a little boy. I learned how to step into the mouth of terror often for the wrong reasons and then suffer terrible consequences. The aftermath is still feeling bullied by needing to correct a situation I should have never created.

It turns out that many of my actions were not about  helping the victim, whether the victim is myself or another person but about resolving something that I should have resolved internally. Sometimes it is not bullying, it is my bullied personality creating or distorting a problem. If I were not so sensitized to any situation that could upset my delicate anti-bullying equilibrium I would filter out real situations from ones that I just blew up incorrectly in my mind..

It's a.painful life being a bully or a victim.