How about some real time (OCD) obsessive compulsive disorder talk? I have been tormented and tortured by it almost my entire 72 male years. I have pure OCD as it is known.
I do not need to keep checking the door to see of it is locked or checking the stove to see if it is turned off, or wash my hands a million times a day.
My misery is different. I must confront people who I think have insulted me. Fear is my constant companion because my whole deal is connected to confrontation. Doing fearful things so I can get the fearful thing off my mind are my boulders to carry..
So, if someone tells me to go fuck myself, or they say they think I stink at golf or if I feel that I must defend someone's honor who is a friend or loved one who has been insulted or abused, or the music next door is too loud or someone slams a door too hard or tons of other things happen than I become incapacitated.
I sit and ruminate about what I can do to resolve the problem. I cannot function while my mind is pre-occupied with a thought of some act that I must perform that involves danger or personal harm to eliminate a problem..
My right eye was destroyed permanently by unnecessarily getting into a fight with some guy who was smacking around his girlfriend in the hallway of my apartment. The guy was hardly doing anything to this girl but he scared me just by looking at me so I did the only thing I knew to eliminate the fear I knew I would feel whenever I saw him. I hit him and he demolished me.
I tried to stop him verbally and when he swore at me instead of just walking back into my apartment I took a lame swing at him. He turned out to be a boxer who had just gotten released from jail for attempted murder.
He busted me up and then my girl friend at the time took care of me for a few weeks and then threw me out for being so ignorant. She knew it was my OCD and not a sincere attempt to be a do gooder.
That is just one story among many and I do not feel like writing much more tonight.
I am in such an OCD state of mind for several months and I have such a litany of things on my mind that I cannot even phantom trying to resolve one OCD thought at a time. Because, I know that in attempting to resolve an irrational problem I may very well perpetuate it.
I could spend twenty years trying to find a guy who insulted me a few months ago telling me to go fuck myself.
Plus, I do not really want to find him because it's not about what he said that is the object of my OCD. It is about me letting go or just living with this OCD trigger.
I just cannot deal with my OCD only through therapy, medicine, psychotherapy, meditation, or working out.
Only by writing about it can I get relief. Writing works for me. It eases and temporarily eliminates OCD urges. And that is what an OCD sufferer wants.
Relief.
I have been all tense because about 16 months ago I was playing softball and after the game, at lunch, I happened to make a remark about a political subject to two guys.
I am liberal and one of the guys who is in charge of this men's basketball league is a Trump Republican. The other guy there is just the first guys puppet.
I mentioned something about Medicare that both tight asses took exception to. The main guy barked at me that there was no political talk allowed and he walked away from me at the restaurant. The puppet followed with a parting insult.
I thought nothing of it until a few weeks later when I am at this restaurant again and see this same guy who decides to maliciously goad the other 10 or so guys at the table to not talk to me so I won't come back to lunch with them again.
I walked over to both assholes to try to shake hands but both refused to. Well, that was 16 months ago and I have spent hundreds and maybe thousands of hours trying to figure out how I could make peace with both of those guys without escalating the situation and making it worse.
Because once I start trying to resolve a perceived problem my OCD kicks in like crazy and I could be arrested for harassment or trespassing quickly by doing crazy things to get satisfaction.
So this situation has meant sitting and ruminating everyday for ways I can make peace with both assholes without making it worse by confronting one or both of them and they still will not make peace and then I get physical.
And, I am not tough and intimidating at all. It all has to do with how I was bullied and try to not get bullied anymore. All that is for another time so write in.
So, I have learned some very critical things about my OCD. If I do not do anything to try and make things right with these guys I will not end up making things worse and going into an OCD hell that I have lived through forever by trying to force them to resolve the issue.
I have learned that it is 100% better to just leave a situation alone rather than try to force it to bend to my will.
That is a big understanding when the urge to try and work it out is so intense. But, I am safe by doing nothing and I do not have to act out . I just have tp live with the ocd urge and fix things from within like I am doing right now.
I know that I have OCD and there will always be more issues and more issues that torture me. But, I can only make things worse, as I have learned by acting out instead of sitting on my hands and being safe.
Once upon a time I would be chasing these guys all over, even hiring private detectives so I could find them and try to get them to just shake hands.
So, I am writing about this because the answers do not lie with either of them.
The answers lie in my tormented mind.
There is hope. But, OCD is ferocious.
I have improved.
