COMPULSIVE GAMBLING: THE UNCONDITIONAL LOVER

Gambling. One of the nastiest monsters of the world. Feed it and it eats your soul. Starve it and it destroys your mind. To a real compulsive gambler the loss of gambling is good reason for perpetual mourning. Every ounce of desire in your body craves going back to gambling again.

The adrenaline, the euphoria, the joy of knowing you will be in action is enough to inspire any gambler to gamble again or relapse no matter how much they have lost. I am not just talking about lost money. I am talking about lost health, family, and friends. About losing everything that matters.

I gambled for over 50 years and lost it all. In the last nine years I have quit gambling and slowly rebuilt my life. Yet, I continue to long for my greatest friend and unconditional lover. Gambling. But I am no longer owned by that urge. I own it. But, I only own it one day at a time. So I stay on guard and keep working with other compulsive gamblers continually or I know I am doomed. Each day, I commit to not gambling that day and then I get to the next day. It's not easy but it's way better than dying.

I was a very big gambler betting on sports, craps, blackjack, anything at all. I would win or lose thousands of dollars a day. I had lost well over a million dollars in my life before I stopped gambling nine years ago. My last bet was on January 9, 2009. I also lost my priceless soul. I was a total degenerate.

The addiction of compulsive gambling is the same for all affected whether one bets nickels or thousands of dollars. It's all about powerlessness over gambling. A compulsive gambler cannot stop permanently without help. The help comes from joining Gamblers Anonymous which is totally free.

No one stops gambling on their own permanently. Will power alone will not make it. I tried many times and would stop for a few months or longer. But, the urge to gamble again waited patiently to take me down. Eventually, I would start gambling. I could not understand that I needed the help of other compulsive gamblers to stop gambling permanently. I quit over and over. But, I could not stay sober from betting.

Being destroyed financially, mentally, and emotionally is not enough. The monster inside my brain and every other compulsive gamblers brain still lives on unaffected by logic and reason. It says "You can do it David." You can set limits, you can avoid going out of control and enjoy the thrill of being in action." My rational mind keeps speaking at the same time. "Go to a Gamblers Anonymous meeting David. You are getting false messages. You are doomed if you gamble. You know that."

I do know that now. The gambling demon in my brain does not go away. It never will But, the evil voice tears at my irrational mind and says "just do it. "You will do it like a normal person this time. You will be ok" My logical mind needs constant reinforcement to say no to that urge everyday of my life. It says "David, you have tried to stop gambling and cannot do it alone."

My abnormal mind is a powerful, self destructive force that needs no nourishment. It never starves and is endlessly patient. It waits and waits tirelessly inside of myself and inside every other compulsive gambler. It says "Come to me David. You want me" It stalks me and tempts me like the sick, twisted, sociopath it is.

My solution, my lifelong answer came when I started to attend Gamblers Anonymous meetings regularly which are filled with people just like me. I faithfully attend GA meetings weekly, every week, no matter what else is happening. My GA meetings are the biggest responsibility I have. Meetings come before work, family, or anything else because I know that gambling will either drive me insane, put me in jail, or kill me.

So, I know that my life depends on not gambling and I need the support of other compulsive gamblers continually. I stay abstinent by going to Gamblers Anonymous meetings and sharing my feelings with other gamblers whether young or old whether they have been abstinent for one day or thirty years. I know that I need the positive reinforcement I get from being at GA meetings which are plentiful all over the country and the world.

I work the 12 steps of recovery with a sponsor and at group meetings. I deal with personal defects that caused me endless pain and suffering from gambling. Only from GA can I get the strength and support of others just like me who help me through each day.

Compulsive Gamblers all share the same feelings. Only other compulsive gamblers understand each other regardless of age, nationality, beliefs or any other denominator. We are all the same because we are powerless over gambling and our lives are unmanageable. It's easy to understand but tough to accept and stick with. But, thousands of men and women are recovering compulsive gamblers.

Look up Gamblers Anonymous online and find out where to call and where the local meetings are in your area. Google it.

Its easy to check out. A spouse or friend can check it out for you. There is a free, twenty four hour a day non stop helpline that can be called by anyone, anytime. Try it. 

I have not gambled a penny since January 9, 2009. If I can stop anybody can.

But, only with help.

You can only win if you don't play.

BORN TO LOSE

Being born was the first mistake. Somewheres around 1947 daddy had sex with mommy maybe for the last time. Even though she was 47 years old it did not matter. She got pregnant anyway.with me.  That was 70 years ago and life has been a disaster ever since I crawled out of the womb. Dad died suddenly when I was twelve years old and mom already had two grown sons ages twenty four and twenty five. They had moved out of the house and gotten married.

Dad had made lots of money by being very smart in real estate investments and in several retail businesses he owned. He left plenty of money for mom and so she would  never have to work or worry about surviving. My two older brothers, my mom, and myself were all left percentages of his estate, my mom and I splitting a third and the brothers each getting a third. My assets went into a trust fund frozen until I was 21. My age to get the trust assets should have been 62 and I would not be broke now.

The successful family businesses daddy left became even more successful after he died only because of  the presence of one of my brilliant, charismatic brother. He was a genius businessman and  turned dads businesses into an empire.

I was the benefactor of mom making me into a world class spoiled brat from birth.. She never said no to any of my continual requests for money or material objects through my teens.. As time went on the businesses made more and more money for the family empire which had been blessed with several children by the five year anniversary of my dads death. My trust fund was being managed by my brother. He had also acted as a second father since my dads passing.

I had been gambling compulsively since I was 10 years old. I drained my unaware mom of a fortune to cover my losses and keep myself in action .She had no idea her money was going for gambling. I just came up with one story after another for years. She  believed whatever story I told her never even dreaming about gambling as the cause of my incessant need for money. It was never big gambling through my teens.

Things changed when I was twenty one and got real money to play with.
 My trust fund had been handled brilliantly by my brainy brother  Ed..  I had heard that my assets were going up and up.  My life became all about waiting to be twenty one. I had almost not graduated high school and got thrown out of three colleges. I gambled and played golf instead of studying. I was controlled only by gambling.

My twenty first birthday finally came. I could not believe it when brother Ed sat me down and told me I was a millionaire. Ed said I had over 2 million in assets in my trust account. It was all mine.. I was delirious.
 I received stock, cd,s, money market funds, real estate and other assets.  Ed was so proud to sit  with me and plan out what I was going to do with all the money I had inherited. He reminded me to do the right thing and handle my fortune wisely so I could make my fortune increasingly larger.  I listened to him explain what he thought I should do to protect the assets. He, like others, thought I was a normal person.

 He said I was welcome to step into any part of any of the businesses I was interested in and take my place. I said I was going on vacation for a week or so. He hugged me and told me to have a good time. With my heart beating and airline tickets purchased I was in the airport the next day waiting to go to Las Vegas. 

No one except my couple closest friends knew I was a compulsive gambler who had been losing every dime my mom gave me since I was ten years old.  I had thrown all the money she gave me in the gambling sewer.. I lost larger and larger amounts.

 I put $100,000 on deposit at the Flamingo Hotel in Vegas. I thought was loaded for life. I believed I had a blackjack system that could not lose if only it could be funded adequately. Now it was.

 I did not even know what a compulsive gambler was. I never heard the term until years later. I never would have believed back then that I had no chance to keep all that money for very long. I had no control.

 I  went wild gambling.  I lost the $100.00.000 dollars in two days of insane, non-stop gambling. I blew the whole two million dollars in  less then two years. It was easy to do.  Plus, I owed another two hundred thousand dollars to juice men, bookmakers, friends, relatives and Las Vegas hotels. I was out of control. I could not bet enough. I lost more and more desperate to win back my losses.

 I also got drafted at twenty two. I only had about a million dollars left. I had not stopped losing since I got the inheritance. I was the worlds worst gambler and had blown away a million dollars in a year..

I found myself sitting outside the psychiatrists office at the draft induction center.
 I was a natural con man and with keen insight that I had been gifted with somehow. I could always read people.

I was as good an actor as Jack Nicholson when I mumbled to the induction shrink how people had always picked on me and I knew they would do it again in the military. Dr whoever it was decided I was unfit for military service. I came off to him like one of those unfit problem people but not a psycho. Out the door I went free as a bird..

 I do not know how I found the right voice to persuade him to reject me. It was one of the greatest accomplishments of my life  I was a perfect one take undesirable. I had only asked a few family friends who were shrinks for suggestions on how to beat the military shrink and they told me to try and come off a certain way but said it would be almost impossible.

I  danced down the street from the induction with my rejection certificate .I celebrated my permanent rejection from the military and took all my buddies out for dinner continually re-enacting the way I had spoken like a mentally troubled person. to the induction shrink.

So, I ran around for another year with my group of  pool room degenerate friends who were all full time gamblers on horses, poker , gin rummy. Some were thieves, burglars, and other assorted deviants. I gambled every day almost around the clock.
I still lived at home but rarely talked to my mom. We were on very different schedules. i was out all night and she was out doing good charity work all day.

She could only watch me always falling asleep in the chair when I occasionally sat down with her. She would say "bum, when are you going to work"?  That meant go work at one of the family businesses. She never even asked how much money from my inheritance I had left. She never dreamed I had gambled a million dollars away. She did not ever think anyone in our family needed money. She did not speak of money because it was never an issue.

 Meanwhile,I kept betting more and more. Eventually I  lost the million and got badly in hock to bookmakers and loan sharks.  I humbly walked in to the office and asked my smart brother for a job. I confessed everything to him. He never looked up. I cried that bad guys were looking for me for money I owed. He told me to call them and have them see him., He settled my debts. then, he punched me in the face over and over beating me bloody. He was horrified i had gambled away all my money.

When he stopped we talked. He said he loved me and knew my gambling was over. He said he had heard of a place called Gamblers Anonymous and he said he would go there with me. He did. that was in 1975. He took me out for dinner after this meting with all these pathetic, broken down people. Then, he said he was sure I had leaned my lesson for life. He gave me a good job and and generous salary and reminded me I was on 23 so i would be fine.

I lasted about 3 days and I was gambling again. I loved gambling more then life. I concealed my disease from him and he still does not know that I never changed. I got another big chunk of family money about twenty years later and gambled that sizable amount away also.. One day, when I was about 61 all the cash was gone. I had wasted most of my life gambling. So, I quit. I went back to Gamblers Anonymous and have not made a bet of any kind in 9 years.

It was one of the only smart moves I ever made.

Compulsive Gambler Desperate To Gamble Again After 8 Years Sober

 

Compulsive gambler is a 67 year old male. He has not placed a bet in  8 years. He is set up for life. But, only if he does not gamble. He is thinking about giving into the urge. 

So, I have been resisting the perpetual urge to start gambling again although I have been clean and sober for over six years  If I gamble my rich, trusting lover who has stuck with me will find out quickly even if I sneak it well.. Also, my kids and few close friends would immediately lose all respect for me and I would lose all trust from everyone else. I would be cutting myself off from the easiest life one could imagine. 

I am covered financially by my very rich sugar momma only because I do not gamble. If I do gamble she would cut me off in a second. I would end up broke and living in the gutter. Now, I live in a penthouse and have plenty of money between driving a cab, making money from a promotional business, and getting social security. If I'm short of cash or want anything then all I have to do is call sugar momma..She never says no.

Still, the monster to gamble lives within me. I want to chuck it all an go back to the craps table, play online poker and bet ballgames. I want to eject myself from this life and make a furiously fast journey to          Las Vegas or just go to one of the gambling boats thirty minutes away from my house.

The addiction to gamble has remained so powerful that it eats at me every minute of every day. It is all I want to do. I am a 67 year old male who lives in a golden torture chamber..

So, I sit here  in torment. I work, hang out with friends, stay active physically, read, write. It does not matter.  I am too smart and have lived the degenerate life in previous years for too long so all I need to do is play the tape of what my life will evolve to if I go back into action.. No sugar mama, no respect from my family who I have punished, no respect from my few friends and no respect for myself.

Yet, I am tempted to throw it all away.

The hardest truth is I am a horrible gambler who almost never won and manged to lose almost two million dollars.I don't even have a plan.

 I just want to give in to the impulse and go gamble..

I need the action but I need a Gamblers Anonymous meeting worse.

I'mgoing to a  Gamblers Anonymous meeting now. 

You should too.

Good luck.

Sober Compulsive Gambler Tormented To Gamble Again

So I am sitting at my desk in my condo. I am still torn between betraying my lover/mother who takes care of me in every way. Emotionally, financially, and spiritually. Except, she is married to someone else and is out of town most of the winter. It's better when she is in town and keeps me out of this clinical depression.

So, I have been resisting the perpetual urge to start gambling again although I have been clean and sober for over six years If I gamble she will find out quickly even if I sneak it. Also, my kids and few close friends would immediately lose all respect for me and lose all trust. I would be cutting myself off from the easiest life one could imagine. I have not gambled in over six years.

I am covered financially by my very rich sugar momma only because I do not gamble. If I do gamble she would cut me off in a second. I would end up broke and living in the gutter. Now, I live in a penthouse and have plenty of money between driving a cab, making money from a promotional business, and getting social security. If I'm short of cash or want anything then all I have to do is call momma..She never says no.

Still, the monster to gamble lives within me. I want to chuck it all an go back to the craps table, play online poker and bet ballgames. I want eject myself from this desk and make a furiously fast journey to Las Vegas or just go to one of the gambling boats thirty minutes away from my house..The addiction to gamble has remained so powerful that it eats at me every minute of every day. It is all I want to do.

So, I sit here at the age of 66 in torment. I am too smart and have lived the degenerate life in previous years for too long so all I need to do is play the tape of what my life will evolve to if I go back into action.. No sugar mama, no respect from my family who I have punished, no respect from my few friends and no respect for myself.

Yet, I am tempted to throw it all away.

The hardest truth is I am a horrible gambler who almost never won and manged to lose almost two million dollars.I don't even have a plan.

 I just want to give in to the impulse and go gamble..