Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts

Monday, February 7, 2022

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER IS ABOUT FEAR

 OCD which stands for obsessive compulsive behavior is such a gigantic subject with so many tentacles that I will just speak to what I have learned through personal experience because all OCD sufferers share a common nucleus in their disease. 

Fear. 

It is the root of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It applies to all sufferers no matter how disconnected they are.

We all share the same root cause. Fear. 

Whether your OCD manifests itself through commonly understood actions like continual hand washing, checking the door lock, counting to 1000 before you can fall asleep, and thousands of other acts, or, if your OCD  lives strictly in your brain by unchangeable thoughts of hurting your friend, jumping across a pond of alligators, or challenging a prize fighter to a boxing match it's the same mental disorder.

OCD is entirely rooted in fear of doing the unknown. Its an urge to perform some action to get relief.  An action to take away an urge however rational or irrational it is.

We have the same dysfunctional brain of an addicted alcoholic, gambler, overeater, sex addict or any other abnormality open to excess. 

Many people with OCD are also cross addicted.  

Performing a compulsion to get relief  no matter how insane it  seems to be is the only way to end a relentless urge.

Maybe so but only temporarily. No matter how sure you are it will go away if you wash your hands one more time it will not go away.  

The same urge or another urge will pop up and keep torturing you relentlessly.

 I am not talking about this monster OCD taking small amounts of time either. It can be 24/7/365 with no time for lunch.

I am talking about lives that are consumed for hours, days, weeks, months, and years by OCD.  

Understanding that OCD  is not you but the anxiety from it that  drives you crazy, destroys your life, ruins your relationships, and messing up everything else in its path is critical. 

Focus on that. It true.

It has sent me to brigades of Dr,s prescribing SSRI pills, meditation,  working out, writing, and whatever else provides relief at various times.

Unfortunately, as good as it feels to perform a compulsion that same compulsion will either come back or another will take its place, There is no permanently beating the OCD monster.

But, you can fight the symptoms to a standoff.

I am a 73 year old retired single male who lives very comfortably in Florida and whose financial independence arrived through plain old lady luck. It is truly a no brains required life. Thank goodness.

However, everyday is a ferocious fight to not act out on one of my brutal painful impulses that will either kill me, put me in jail, or make me go insane,  A few of those things have already happened several times.

Fear is my issue if you are curious just like yours is. Mine is easy to understand. It gives me a pit in my stomach and a sweaty forehead. It is connected to my flight or fight mechanism. 

If someone insults me, bullies me, or victimizes me in any way I will ruminate endlessly and try to vindicate myself for not standing up to whoever the perpetrator was. 

Usually, I do not have the awareness or guts to act at the time an incident happens which sets me on a torturous course of "what ifs"? Than, I will be overwhelmed with anxiety until I find relief.

Unfortunately, no amount of actions on my part whether justified or not keeps the next compulsion from coming back to invade my life. 

If that understanding only stuck when the next OCD event happened it would be a miracle. 

Forget it. Each situation is fresh and triggers all the same reactions to relieve the new torment.

A big problem is that I am so afraid of is acting out on a compulsion and failing to gain even temporary relief only to make it worse and than spend tons of time attempting to resolve the exacerbated compulsion.

 I cannot put into words the misery I have put myself into because of being afflicted with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

I just read an article from an OCD professional who advised sufferers not to focus on the compulsion but focus on the fact that it is anxiety and not anything else causing your problem.

I think those are very wise words to remember. The Dr. is spot on in my opinion.

I have found that writing, working out, meditating, using sedatives at certain times is the best answer to dealing with my OCD. There are many treatments.

OCD not going away but it can be stripped of its power by really looking at whats going on.

Good luck.

Google OCD or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. 

There is a lot of FREE help.



Friday, April 2, 2021

GEORGE FLOYD'S FEARFUL BYSTANDERS AFRAID

George Floyd dying on the street under killer cop Derek Chauvin's knee resting casually and fatally on his neck is so tragic it becomes more heartbreaking each time the video of the over nine minute execution is played. 

How, we ask, could this mad dog cop not have been stopped from killing Floyd in broad daylight with many bystanders and other cops surrounding the dying man and his police assessing? 

Why couldn't one of the four cops right next to Derek Chauvin have been brave enough to push or hit Chauvin and knock him off Floyd?

Because, each person there had a very good excuse for not acting like most people do when facing unexpected danger. 

They were scared. They couldn't or wouldn't even try to stop the murder. They were following their instincts for self preservation and safety. They stayed out. 

 It is human nature to respond to most flight or fight situations by backing away and staying safe or finding safety.

One only has to have experienced the terrifying feeling of being forced to go against their instincts and walk through the wall of fear rather than back away from it. 

You never forget that feeling.

It is scary as hell.

Most of us have encountered fight or flight situations where every bone in our body and mind says no, get away, do not get involved but somehow, sometimes, we are willing to walk through the wall of fear and walk into danger head on. 

One can make valid excuses any time there is a failure to act when necessary, when action is critical despite the presence of overwhelming fear. 

That is what heroes are made of. Those that act anyway and damn the consequences ARE SPECIAL.  

Than, there ARE the rest of us mortals.

 That is also why many brave people die on the streets and in wars.  

They face horrifical fear. 

ANY times their fate is death and other times it is hero STATUS 

A LARGE NUMBER of bystanders to assaults get PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). They beat themselves up endlessly for what they did not do. 

They should not BE TORMENTED. Flight or fight response is not predictable nor understood. 

Unfortunately, finding ones self stuck in a bad situation with violent, treacherous people or circumstances leaves one with no GOOD out. You either face the fear and fight if you are trapped or you don't. 

That goes for surviving in the streets, the battlefield, protecting people being attacked, standing up to bullies, and any other gut wrenching dangerous position that triggers the flight or fight mechanism. 

That is why JUST a few of us survive after facing grave danger and get medals and earn heroic reputations regardless of where the bravery takes place.   

THE REST OF us try not get involved in danger and usually get away from dangerous situations while being grateful to not get unlucky like George Floyd's LOOKER ONS did by running into a LIFE AND DEATH CIRCUMSTANCE.  

 Many of us have gone both ways in facing fright. I have faced fear and danger boldly a few times in my seventy two years and I have also been a quivering coward most OTHER time.

It is hard to explain what determines how people react to danger. Todays hero can be tomorrows zero.

Stay safe people people and hope you do not encounter a situation that calls for you to face dreadful fear. Try not to beat yourself up for whatever you do when faced with UNAVOIDABLE danger. 

Live with the internal consequences. Accept yourself.

Whatever you do just do the best you can. 

Than, it is okay.

It is the human condition.

Saturday, March 6, 2021

COMPUTER HELL FOR 72 YEAR OLD GUY WITH OCD

It's computer dummy heaven today. I just figured out how to fix my laptop all by myself. It only required batteries but normally I would not have been able to even find where the batteries go. My new OCD mindfulness gave me a bonus. I am a 72 year old geezer but giddy as if I had just stolen my first high school kiss.

A fortunate life has been my blessing. But, as my mother used to say, "your worst enemy cannot do to you what you can do to yourself."

What a merciless self-assaulter I have been. We are talking mentally, The pain from a broken brain is ferocious.

I remember trying to lay my dead tired eight-year-old body in bed and go to sleep. But I couldn't. The pillow would not line up to my satisfaction with a thin line on the headboard. So, I would keep popping up out of bed like a jumping jack for hours on end trying to set the pillow exactly the way I wanted it. I would finally just flop into the bed, drenched in sweat, and then pass out because my little body was so exhausted.

The obsessions became worse as I got older. Physical confrontation became the centerpiece of my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. The word FEAR is central to my defective brain. I believe it is to everyone with OCD.

Facing danger, real or imagined, made physical confrontation my curse. I would be mentally obsessed to go back after someone who I decided had bullied me with words or deeds. It could have been a schoolmate from high school who I remember slapped me around thirty years before, or a person who insulted a lady at the golf course this morning who I thought and felt I should have confronted.

I could mentally grab onto any event and conclude that I had to be an avenging angel. All that had to happen was a thought, a mere thought, popping into my head. Bingo. The thought would not go away. Then off I would go to OCD hell.

My stomach would start rolling constantly. Only finding the misguided courage to act by confronting the bully would abate the fear. My delusional missions lasted from days to decades and sometimes in multiple forms. Than the fear would come back about the same thing or something else and often with even more inappropriate acts. I do not know how I led a somewhat normal life.

Symbolically, my efforts at trying to line up that pillow defined my life. Endlessly confronting and chasing people who I felt had picked on or bullied me. I could be tormented for any reason such as someone playing their music too loudly, or to allowing their dogs to bark, or feel that someone insulted me, or made fun of me, or criticizing me, or making what I thought to be an inappropriate remark to my girlfriends, or thoughlessly slammed doors, and countless other events that would provoke the same insanity in me that trying to adjust that pillow triggered.

All it took was for me to think that I was the victim. Then came the conclusion I had to even the score, to take vengeance.

Then the fear took hold. The fear of living for a confrontation I did not want but thought I had to have. Being consumed. Like a soldier anticipating battle. But an irrational battle for all the wrong reasons.

I fearfully and insanely provoked countless confrontations because of the misguided belief that I would get permanent relief after I resolved some issue. I would eventually end up worse off then I was before I started trying to solve the thing that triggered me.

I ended up in court, in front of judges, in jail, and in a mental hospital because of the degrees to which I would go to seek relief.

I went to so many shrinks, took so many pills, read so many books, and even today, I still can suffer as I write about these episodes of OCD sixty-five years later. It has no end. It continues to plague me.

I blessedly and gratefully have found pathways to relief through exercising, writing and journaling, meditating, deep breathing exercises, and just knowing that the OCD urge is just a thinking disorder and can and must be accepted and coped with. That sounds easy but it's not. It takes constant and consistent mind-bending work to come to terms with it. There is hope.

I am not violent or psychotic. I am a lifelong scared little boy who was told to go outside to face the bullies in the old neighborhood. I cried instead. My family's definition of courage was about fists and not words. It took a lifetime for me to recognize my family was fucked up, but with good intentions. They did not know macho was not a one size fits all hat.

After many years of good fortune, except for the few times getting punched and hurt by a neighbor who was slapping around his girlfriend and beat me up for interfering, I never paid a big physical price.

Mentally, it is another story.

I have been arrested several times for minor non-violent crimes. I have been in the mental ward. Everything was connected to OCD.

Endless hours, days, months, years of OCD torture have left me damaged mentally but okay enough to say I am much better after a lot of hard work.

I am now spending time learning how to let stuff go and accept my condition. I never really cared about standing up for myself except for a few times in my life where it was legitimate. It's selfishly only been about relieving the fear that I felt with no alternatives. That is erroneous and wrong.

Writing is an alternative for me. Playing ball, reading, volunteering, running, and almost any mental and physical activity are tools that work well in battling OCD.

Going to OCD group meetings and becoming friendly with and supportive of others who are afflicted, is terrifically helpful and a big step in recovering.

The irrational but overwhelming fear of the "what ifs" of not doing what you falsely believe you must do literally eats you up. However, once you are able to realize that the anxiety of OCD urges can be endured with training, life gets immeasurably better.

Saying no to debilitating OCD urges is the only way to get healthier. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is permanent, but can be effectively dealt with as with addictions like gambling or drinking and many others. It takes time and treatment.

12 step programs are effective.

You can do it.

Why becomes an obvious question to anyone reading this who does not have OCD.

Answer....

Normal brains do not involuntarily attach to abnormal thinking. OCD brains do. They are different chemically and they do not process thoughts correctly.

OCD is always about fear, fear, fear, whether you are compulsively checking and rechecking the stove, door, the dogs water, washing your hands, obsessing about harming a child, facing a bully or some other thought.

But, there are ways to safely treat OCD.

My hope is that this helps some fellow sufferers get some value from my self-knowledge, or even better, some relief.

I have just started to write again about OCD.

My Purpose is to help others with what this is about for me. There has to be more to life than my girlfriend, my dog, pickle ball, golf, eating and tormenting myself with new and age old major OCD issues.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is all about fear no matter where you start.

Fear can be conquered properly.

Go online and look at resources and blogs on OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder.) There is so much there for every sufferer.

Read about it. Find relief. It is there.

Here are some resources to use. I just want to help. I do not get paid in any way by anyone I mention. I Do not know them. I want to help.

I just Google, do my research, just as you should do.

Here are a few resources around the country that came up:

FHEHealth Restore 888-986-1382

Park Avenue Psychotherapy Associates 973-815-0777

Go To YouTube and punch up OCD

Call 720-605-1316

Call 305-856-9442

Call 754-227-6634

Online Therapy-312-955-1212

Good Luck

David S.

I am an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder sufferer associated with no one.


Tuesday, February 9, 2021

REPUBLICAN SENATORS SUPPORTING TRUMP HAVE NO BALLS

 Who has balls? 

Balls used to be a source of pride and honor for anyone. Balls means marching into the jaws of fear and doing what you should or what you must do regardless of the consequences.

Every person knows the feeling of fear. It is that sick, stomach rolling, feeling that grips your body because of the fear of doing something dangerous, scary, intimidating, or anything else that is frightening to do. 

Having balls or no balls can be about either a physical or mental problem. 

Some have an easier time finding balls and others are ferociously terrified. The feeling one has is not about how one feels. 

Balls is only about what a person does in the moment of truth. It is all about fight or flight.

Whether it is speaking truth to power or fighting with fists in the street, or facing sickness bravely, or telling off your boss, or anything else that requires that scary walk through the wall of fear it is all about the same thing. Balls.

Balls is balls. It is one of the constants in humanity that defies time or circumstances.

Today, Donald J. Trumps second impeachment trial starts. He figures to be acquitted of inciting an attack on the United States capital.

He is guilty as hell but most of the cowardly Republican senators are afraid of the consequences of convicting despicable Trump because Trump can ruin their careers. 

Most senators have no balls. They are afraid of losing power and money. 

They suck. 

They are too afraid to do the right thing because Trump took their balls or they never had them to start with.

Republican leader Liz Cheney showed she had big balls by opposing bully Trump despite angering her supporters. She went against Trump as did a very few other Republicans. 

Applause for Liz Cheney

Applause for all who have stood up to Trump.

Piss on all the other cowardly Republican politicians.

Fuck Donald J. Trump. 

Sunday, October 11, 2020

BULLIED: MY FRIEND THE GOLF COURSE BULLY

I always play golf on the weekends with a group of about eight guys. We are all personal friends some closer than others. 

I am very good friends with one of the guys. We are all between the ages of forty five and seventy two years old me being the oldest. 

I have experienced a lifetime of being bullied whether it is mental or physical. I've made a very big effort to stand up for myself with words and deeds. It is scary and tormenting to act when you are afraid but one must face fear when necessary.

Sometimes I succeed and many other times I do not in defending myself. Complicating things is my severe lifelong emotional disorder with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).

Without going deep into an analysis of my particular condition which centers around fighting back when I feel victimized I will point out a case in point to explain exactly why I feel bullied right now.

The guy I am very close to is also a bully. His bullying tools are not his muscles but his mouth and alpha personality. 

I love this guy usually. We have a ton of fun and mutual understanding when he is not being an abusive asshole. I believe he really does not want to be a bully. 

I have called him out on it many times but bullying is baked into his personality. He has responded to my unprofessional but intelligent therapies to some degrees. But, not enough. 

We have disagreements and he gets defensive because he thinks I am bullying him with words and abstract concepts which are a problem for him. He thinks I am too smart which is not true. 

Anyway, he told me big words intimidate him so I try not to use them.

 Unlike him, I try to control my vocabulary when around him. He does not extend me the same sensitivity.

My main problem with him occurs on the golf course. He is a great golfer. I am a bad golfer who keeps on playing because I love the game, 

I do have moments of brilliance, and I love and hate playing with my bully friend who is both my cheering section and my relentless taskmaster when I do not follow his instructions or disagree with him. 

Last night I called another guy in the group who makes the golf time reservations. I played so badly yesterday and my back was so sore that I called him to cancel myself for today's game.

I wanted to make sure I was not causing a problem for anyone else in screwing up the times. He said no problem so I thanked him and went to sleep.  

Today, I awoke to find a text from my main tormentor. It simply had a thumbs down symbol on the message. My frenemy learned I cancelled out and did not know if I was sick, hurt, or just did not want to play. 

He did not care. 

He narcissistically reacted by punishing me. He likes me being out there because the guy strangely does love me. I have empathized with this man through many of his own issues where he needed comfort, and understanding. 

That mattered not when he saw I would not play today. To defend myself I left him a voice mail which he did not yet respond to. 

I also wrote him a text in which I said that if he sent the thumbs down symbol because of being very disappointed I will not be there that's one thing. 

If he sent it because he is angry that I blew off the game that is something else. 

I wrote that if you did it just to make me feel bad you lack empathy which is a subject we have discussed. 

We will see what happens. It's probably wasted words. 

So, that is my story this morning, I have decided to write about my experiences in my seventy two years of being victimized.

Being bullied has literally driven me crazy. It has also made me stronger and wiser. 

I will share stories and accept your stories if a bullying blog takes off.

I hope it does because we all have stories to tell and read about..

Monday, August 31, 2020

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER (OCD) STILL TORTURED AFTER 72 YEARS

How about some real time (OCD) obsessive compulsive disorder talk? I have been tormented and tortured by it almost my entire 72 male years. I have pure OCD as it is known. 

I do not need to keep checking the door to see of it is locked or checking the stove to see if it is turned off, or wash my hands a million times a day.

My misery is different. I must confront people who I think have insulted me. Fear is my constant companion because my whole deal is connected to confrontation. Doing fearful things so I can get the fearful thing off my mind are my boulders to carry.. 

So, if someone tells me to go fuck myself, or they say they think I stink at golf or if I feel that I must defend someone's honor who is a friend or loved one who has been insulted or abused, or the music next door is too loud or someone slams a door too hard or tons of other things happen than I become incapacitated. 

I sit and ruminate about what I can do to resolve the problem. I cannot function while my mind is pre-occupied with a thought of some act that I must perform that involves danger or personal harm to eliminate a problem..

My right eye was destroyed permanently by unnecessarily getting into a fight with some guy who was smacking around his girlfriend in the hallway of my apartment. The guy was hardly doing anything to this girl but he scared me just by looking at me so I did the only thing I knew to eliminate the fear I knew I would feel whenever I saw him. I hit him and he demolished me.

I tried to stop him verbally and when he swore at me instead of just walking back into my apartment I took a lame swing at him. He turned out to be a boxer who had just gotten released from jail for attempted murder. 

He busted me up and then my girl friend at the time took care of me for a few weeks and then threw me out for being so ignorant. She knew it was my OCD and not a sincere attempt to be a do gooder. 

That is just one story among many and I do not feel like writing much more tonight. 

I am in such an OCD state of mind for several months and I have such a litany of things on my mind that I cannot even phantom trying to resolve one OCD thought at a time. Because, I know that in attempting to resolve an irrational problem I may very well perpetuate it. 

I could spend twenty years trying to find a guy who insulted me a few months ago telling me to go fuck myself. 

Plus, I do not really want to find him because it's not about what he said that is the object of my OCD. It is about me letting go or just living with this OCD trigger.  

I just cannot deal with my OCD only through therapy, medicine, psychotherapy, meditation, or working out. 

Only by writing about it can I get relief. Writing works for me. It eases and temporarily eliminates OCD urges. And that is what an OCD sufferer wants. 

Relief.

I have been all tense because about 16 months ago I was playing softball and after the game, at lunch, I happened to make a remark about a political subject to two guys. 

I am liberal and one of the guys who is in charge of this men's basketball league is a Trump Republican. The other guy there is just the first guys puppet.

I mentioned something about Medicare that both tight asses took exception to. The main guy barked at me that there was no political talk allowed and he walked away from me at the restaurant. The puppet followed with a parting insult. 

I thought nothing of it until a few weeks later when I am at this restaurant again and see this same guy who decides to maliciously goad the other 10 or so guys at the table to not talk to me so I won't come back to lunch with them again. 

I walked over to both assholes to try to shake hands but both refused to. Well, that was 16 months ago and I have spent hundreds and maybe thousands of hours trying to figure out how I could make peace with both of those guys without escalating the situation and making it worse. 

Because once I start trying to resolve a perceived problem my OCD kicks in like crazy and I could be arrested for harassment or trespassing quickly by doing crazy things to get satisfaction. 

So this situation has meant sitting and ruminating everyday for ways I can make peace with both assholes without making it worse by confronting one or both of them and they still will not make peace and then I get physical. 

And, I am not tough and intimidating at all. It all has to do with how I was bullied and try to not get bullied anymore. All that is for another time so write in.

So, I have learned some very critical things about my OCD. If I do not do anything to try and make things right with these guys I will not end up making things worse and going into an OCD hell that I have lived through forever by trying to force them to resolve the issue.

I have learned that it is 100% better to just leave a situation alone rather than try to force it to bend to my will. 

That is a big understanding when the urge to try and work it out is so intense. But, I am safe by doing nothing and I do not have to act out . I just have tp live with the ocd urge and fix things from within like I am doing right now. 

 I know that I have OCD and there will always be more issues and more issues that torture me. But, I can only make things worse, as I have learned by acting out instead of sitting on my hands and being safe.  

Once upon a time I would be chasing these guys all over, even hiring private detectives so I could find them and try to get them to just shake hands.

So, I am writing about this because the answers do not lie with either of them. 

The answers lie in my tormented mind.

There is hope. But, OCD is ferocious.

I have improved.  

Sunday, August 9, 2020

ASSHOLE TRUMP TALKS ABOUT THE COLOR WHILE WE DROWN

Wonderful. 

Trump goes on TV yesterday at his country club and tells a nation of people starving for cash money to live on that he has no date when they will get a check or how much, if anything, the check will be for? 

The sum total of that big buffoons wasted speech to a sick, hungry, destitute country was to talk about nothing we want to hear about.

No relevant virus talk, no relevant stimulus talk, no unemployment talk. The schmuck of the earth Donald J. Trump stood up there at his fancy ass country club and jagged us all off.

He spent his useless time calling names and insulting his Democratic opponents. He talked politics. Politics. Can you imagine? We are drowning and asshole Trump talked about the color of the water. 

He will not address the question of Putin's paid bounties for the killing of American soldiers. Putin must literally have Trump so totally intimidated and in fear of dreaded consequences if he bad mouths the Russian president that Trump is a total mental case.

Also, dumb asshole Trump threatens to suspend or permanently eliminate payroll taxes which fund Social Security and Medicare. 

That is a giant hunk of the nation. What is going on? Huh???

Additionally, does anyone care that it appears that we are not even trying to stop Russia from interfering on our 2020 election?

Are we going to sit on our asses while we get eaten alive?

Thursday, July 23, 2020

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER (OCD): SWEATING OVER AIR CONDITIONING

Long ago, I was sitting in my office in a high rise building. It was a modern structure that presumably had excellent systems including reliable ventilation systems. That is what I was told when I signed the lease. One summer day I entered the office and it seemed too hot. I checked the vents and no air was blowing out. I called the building office and reported the problem. The call taker apologized and said it would be fixed soon. A maintenance person would be coming up. 

I have severe obsessive compulsive disorder (ocd). I started fixating on the glass entry door waiting impatiently for the maintenance person who did not appear after fifteen minutes. So, after an hour of being more and more preoccupied and watching for the door to open with the, maintenance person my familiar high anxiety set in. I felt hotter and hotter and started to sweat profusely. I became unable to think about or focus on the abundance of things that I needed to pay address to in my very busy legal practice. 

My life suddenly depended on the air conditioning getting fixed. It was a seventy-two degree morning, according to the weatherperson on the radio, and it was going to get slightly warmer, maybe up to seventy-five degrees. No big deal. In my sick mind it seemed like a hundred degrees already. My shirt was soaked and my face was dripping beads of sweat. Another thirty minutes passed and no maintenance person appeared. I was experiencing the beginning of another OCD episode. I knew that what was happening to me was totally psychological. My lifetime OCD disorder was triggered. I had endured the same king of anxiety as the air conditioning not working in hundreds of other forms before ever since I was a small child trying to straighten my pillow perfectly for hours at a time. 

Sweating. But, logic and understanding has nothing to do with OCD. Obsessive compulsive disorder has a mind of it's own. So all my knowledge of my condition was meaningless. I called the building office again and got the same answer. The maintenance person was going to be there. Be patient please. There was an emergency in another office I was told. I was jumping up and down out of my chair like a jack-in-the box. continually checking every vent as if air was magically going to start blowing out. I also kept vigilantly staring at the office door watching for the promised maintenance person to enter. It had now been two hours since I first called the office and I was in intense psychological pain. I finally asked the other four people in the office if they were hot, knowing I would not stop asking them once I started. "We're fine," they said in unison. 

They never once commented on the temperature. I watched them work comfortably and easily as I was going crazier and crazier with anxiety.

"Come over here by my desk,” I asked all four. “Does it feel hot?” “Uh uh, It's fine. Maybe you're not feeling well?” “I'm fine, I'm fine,” I insisted, not wanting to admit I'm sick in the head. I tried to work but couldn't. I just sat and stared at the door. When the third hour passed without the maintenance person arriving. I was a madman. I could only think about how much I hated that person and this building. I was very nervous about calling the building office again. thinking I was going to wear them out and start getting ignored. 

That had happened in many similar situations. Then, I would really be stuck. I could not focus on phone calls, simple questions or tasks. I was totally dysfunctional. I could not offer anything to my $300,000 a year legal practice except dripping sweat. I also had to do the vent checking sneakily because I did not want to be exposed to the staff as being crazy by attracting attention to my erratic checking behavior. I also stayed fixated on the door from my desk. That is all I did in the midst of a sea of business where I was the one in charge. 

Nobody else said a word about being hot. The weather report kept saying it was a beautiful day, a prefect seventy two degrees. The logic and reality of the words meant nothing to me. I was in my OCD zone of torment. After another twenty minutes, I could not take the waiting any more. I asked the others again if any of them had gotten hot. Only one answered. “Not at all.” I called the office again, this time the same voice picked up the phone. I became the rude, entitled, impatient animal I can be. I screamed at the same victim of my insanity. “Where is he, already?” She only said ”I'm sorry. He's still on an emergency. 

Please, be patient” she begged. After a little more time existing in what I felt like was a personal desert I asked my workers again if they felt hot yet. "It's fine here" was all I got from the others who were indifferent, and busy working. One person got up and opened a few of the windows and said, "It's beautiful outside. We don't even need air. This breeze should do it for you." I knew from many years of OCD torment, that this breeze, nice as it was, would not relieve me. The reality that it was my abnormal brain getting caught on an OCD thought was very familiar to me. I felt like I was being bullied by this building. I felt I was a victim of being ignored and being left powerless to resolve my air conditioning problem. 

I was intimidated like I was as a little boy getting bullied. Powerless and afraid. Fear. That is the essence of OCD. All the therapy, the meditation, reading, deep breathing, writing, working out still gave me no relief. I needed the air conditioning to work perfectly. Relief is all that that mattered to me. I had to get rid of that feeling that all pf us with OCD know. Finally, after four hours, a maintenance guy walked in and apologized for the wait. He checked the thermostat and quickly announced that the problem was solved. Batteries were all that were needed which he popped into the thermostat and then he politely left. 

The vents started blowing cool air in beautiful unison. But, was the air as cool as it was supposed to be? I bothered each of the four other people again to check the temperature of the office and they each said it seemed fine as it had been all day. I tried to focus on work, but could not. I was possessed with checking and rechecking vents for the next two hours. Every ten minutes I would sneak over to a vent and feel the air. Finally, despite everything, I decided the air was not blowing cool enough even though the room temperature was a perfect seventy degrees. I still thought it was too hot. I tried to work but still could not. I went down to the building office and talked to the building manager. 

He came back up to my office with me, and brought the maintenance guy also. He had been told of my phone calls and demands for service. All agreed the office was comfortable and that the air was working just like it was in the other two hundred offices. They asked everyone if the temperature was comfortable. All said yes again. The guys left with me giving them an insincere okay, but I was quickly checking vents again and thinking that the air still was still not enough. I again went down to the office. Only this time the building manager would not talk to me. I raised my voice at him. He got angry and invited me to break my lease and leave with no penalty, if I was so unhappy. He said I was too difficult to deal with and calmly said to maybe see a Dr. 

 I went back to my office and just sat and stared at the ceiling till it was time to go home. I still had a barking dog at a neighbors' house to deal with. It was bothering me although the dog was not really barking much. But, I felt I had to do something. 

I ended up breaking my lease at my office building and moving my staff to another space. Soon after I also moved my residence to another building that has no dogs. The lady made no promises of keeping the barking dog quiet. 

I could not live with that. So, I moved. But, in my new apartment, I realized a neighbor was slamming the adjacent apartment door too loudly. I am trying to figure out what to do with that one now. It's on my mind all the time. The misery of obsessive compulsive disorder does not stop when you are afflicted. It is as strong as Superman and as smart as Einstein. There is no peace but there are ways to cope. The hammer in my head rests sometimes but always comes back pounding. But, I am not afraid of it. You can too.

Saturday, July 18, 2020

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER (OCD): IT IS JUST AN URGE

Obsessive, compulsive disorder is a brutal mental illness which affects a very small part of the population. In the US, about 1.1% of the people have it and it is evenly split between males and females. Over 2.2 million individuals are afflicted. It is so simple to understand but brutally hard to deal with.

The entire condition is based on thoughts. Just thoughts. So think different thoughts you say and you are cured.? 

Ha-ha !!

No. No. No.

Don't forget, just because you resolve one OCD symptom you do not get rid of the entire disorder. So, the trick is to learn how to deal with your OCD by not acting out in all the goofy ways you do now. Acting out does not work.

I am now having an urge to call someone on the phone which would likely create a problem. At minimum, it would start an OCD cycle where I would have to start calling and calling trying to get my problem with this person resolved.

The problem is I have no real problem with him. The problem is with my thoughts. 

That is reassuring and gives me relief.

I also know I am not going to create a problem with the crazy thought that I can end this perceived problem with a phone call. Maybe I could and maybe I couldn't. It doesn't matter. 

Another OCD problem would soon follow. There is relief in that knowledge. I am sick

So, I chose to write about this. Maybe it will help someone else. It is certainly helping me. My desire to call this guy has diminished.

Working out, talking, meditation, reading are all answers to coping with OCD.

Acting out does not work. I have the scars to prove it.

The stove might still be turned on or the lady did not respond right to your apology or or or. 

An external fix does not last.

In people with OCD thoughts get stuck in their head and most sufferers do not know how to deal with the torment. 

Ironically, the answer to how to deal with OCD is to not deal with it!! 

It is just an urge. It will decrease and go away if it is not fed, When you do not act on it than it starves.

But, and it is a big but, OCD urges are so overwhelming and intense that it is almost impossible to deal with them without knowledge of how to. 

Just to clarify, it is obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) whether it is to wash your hands again and again, check the lights. check that pimple again, touch your nose, count to ten, arrange your desk. check your toes. take a shower, ad to your hoarding collection, or perform any compulsion you feel an urgency to perform over and over. Again and again is the key word.

We are talking about checking for hours on end. We are talking about being soaked in sweat from anxiety when an OCD episode occurs. It can last for hours, days, weeks, months, or years.

Fear of harming yourself or another, fear of saying or doing something embarrassing or dangerous, or fear of anything or anybody in an abnormal way, needing constant reassurance that something was done right, and on and on are common obsessions.

When any thought consumes ones mind in a perpetual, non stop, disabling way it is usually from (OCD) obsessive compulsive disorder.

That means being so focused or consumed by a thought or urge that it owns you.

It can be about what you are going to eat three days from now or being afraid you will throw the dog down the steps.

I had an obsession about tin foil for years. I was afraid to bite down on the foil because I remembered it once hurt my teeth. Tin foil kept me in bed for days being depressed and not wanting to see any tin foil. Even after I had bit down on the foil and felt no pain I still, to this day, avoid chewing anything with tin foil on it.

I had another obsession when I was 25 years old. I thought I had prostate cancer. No matter how many times the Dr. checked me and told me nothing was wrong with my prostate I still demanded to be put in the hospital for a torturous test. The Dr, came in my room afterward and said

“You are fine. See a psychiatrist."

I am 72 now and I am not fine. 

But, I am much better.

Saturday, February 1, 2020

OCD AND ME-A 71 YEAR JOURNEY WITH OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER

I'm a 71 year old male and I have suffered from (obsessive compulsive disorder) (ocd) since I was about 8 years old. 

A terrifying image of myself standing over my bed, dead tired, and continually jumping in and out of it but not being able to rest comes to mind.  

I was tormented then because my pillow was not precisely centered along a thin line that ran vertically from the top to the bottom of the headboard. It was driving me crazy trying trying to center it perfectly. 

I believed bad things would happen if I did not get it perfectly aligned. Fear and superstition were then and are still now the root of all obsessive compulsive disorders. 

 My tired little body was no match for my twisted mind which kept commanding me to get up again and again and line the pillow up better.  

Sweat streamed down my face and soaked my pajamas as I continued to jump in and out of bed trying to get that uncooperative pillow aligned to the satisfaction of my obsessive compulsive demons.

Finally, I passed out from the fatigue of being a frustrated, worn out little kid. That was not a temporary problem I would grow out of. It is now 71 years later and my ocd still rages on. 

There have been countless episodes of these same kinds of torturous experiences throughout my entire life. 

My symptoms changed from physical compulsions like washing hands, re-checking lights, not stepping on cracks, and many of the common ocd symptoms most people are familiar with to all mental ocd symptoms.    

The award winning movie " As Good As It Gets", starring Jack Nicholson captures ocd in a humorous, but sadly accurate way.  

My mental or pure ocd which started in my twenties became increasingly intense,  with relentless mental, repetitive, fearful thoughts and questions with no answers and no relief attainable ruminating through my brain. 

My thinking centered around facing irrational fears. Taking physically dangerous, risky actions was the bitter medicine I prescribed myself to get temporary relief.

My approach was metaphorically akin to jumping into a cage with a deadly lion just to get rid of the fear of doing it. 

I would relieve fear by crashing into it head first. It was              misdirected thinking that demonstrating insanity permanently cured ocd symptoms.  

My archaic, false definition of manhood was central to my distorted thinking. I believed that being macho proved manhood.

 Many times it would take months and years to actually follow through on certain dangerous actions or missions I assigned myself with no lasting relief.   

But, I could not get fearful thoughts out of my mind so into that lions cage I would eventually jump ravaging my psyche for any path to get peace of mind.

Many times I would make a bad situation much worse and I would have to start the whole mentally torturous process over again after performing some crazy action that failed. 

Or, if I did succeed in eliminating an obsession than quickly another obsession of equal or greater torment would emerge. 
 Seeking danger, and finding the courage to face it was all I used to understand to ease my anguish. I walked around terrified because I am no warrior.

My world was my lopsided brain swirling around like a gyroscope spinning the same painful thoughts constantly. They all centered around facing unnecessary fear. 
What if, what if, and more what ifs became my internal language as I anticipated taking crazy actions with scary consequences. 

I only wanted relief. That was my only motive for jumping in the cages of many dangerous lions. 

I felt only gratitude if I had not been hurt, killed, thrown in jail, or put in an insane asylum after I survived an insane action I took. 
I have lived a life of flight or fight everyday for 63 years.

The central theme of my particular ocd symptoms has been proving I am not a coward and could not be bullied. The reality is that no amount of insane acts of facing danger or standing up for myself has eliminated that cowardly little boy inside of me or has given me inner peace. 


Confrontation is my tool that always takes charge of my thinking. I chased a guy around for twenty years who bullied me when I was 12 years old at the local park. I met him at a train station 25 years after we had last seen each other. I provoked a fight with him and I got the worst of it. 

He stood over me as I went down and he told me I was lucky he was not going to kick my head in.
He left yelling that I was immature and I had not grown up as I crawled on all fours watching him walk away.  

I could not live with just letting that episode go even though I did not have one drop of violence in me toward him or anyone. My crusades were only about finding relief through some distorted definition I had of what manhood and courage was.   

I decided I wanted a rematch with this guy and it took several anxiety, fear ridden years to even find him again. I knew nothing of his life since we were kids.  

Then, after a very long and totally crazy search I ran into him again by accident and we had another encounter I provoked where I ended up on top of him. An intense severe desire to apologize to him developed after it ended. I wanted him to know i was not dangerous. 
I needed his understanding and forgiveness.  

  This strange saga went on ad nauseum  until I finally found his phone number.  To my amazement, when I gathered the courage to call him, he allowed me to apologize.  Even that was not enough for me to let the obsession with him go. 
Think of that? 

 I then wanted to talk to him in person to confirm that we were good.. He finally ended up taking me to court to stop my renewed pursuit. Even that did not stop me because I still felt I had not explained myself satisfactorily. 
Just like the pillow.
I could not get it right. 

I was told by the lawyers and the judge that it was a condition of my probation that I never contact him or get near him again or I would go to jail.  

While on probation and against all orders and sensibility I again contacted him via a letter trying to explain my ocd condition. I felt I was compelled to write to release my mind from the inhumane prison I had not been released from. 
I was willing to risk my freedom for one more chance to get relief. 

  I sent the letter. He did not turn me in and that ended that horrid saga. It was a miracle he did not go right to the lawyers and judge.
I got away with that one but I did not get away with the next one. 

 I ended up fighting with some guy who was in an altercation with his girlfriend. 

I only started that fight because the guy scared me for months without ever saying a word to me. He had me bullied with his looks. He ended up almost permanently blinding me from the right hand he slammed into my eyeball.  

 I had told him to stop hassling his girlfriend one night in the hallway floor of the high rise where we were neighbors. It was nothing and none of my business.  He said fuck you. Get away from me. I  started to go back into my apartment  but he started yelling at his girlfriend again. I screamed at him to leave her alone. 

He  came back at me wild eyed and it was lights out. The result was a blinded eye, broken eardrum, rattled brain and the emergency room. For nothing. I only fought with him to prove the same manhood shit. 

My girlfriend at the time nursed me back to health and then she dumped me for being a crazy fool. She was right. She knew I did it out of ocd and not nobility.

Example of my condition. A person is playing loud music next door to me. I break out into palpitating anxiety as I listen maybe for several days for more music. I knock on the door and politely ask that the music be turned down.

If the person apologizes and does not act with hostility or in a threatening manner then I never care again about any noise coming from that apartment. 

Same for other issues involving me feeling victimized by disturbances like barking dogs, loud noises or other situations where I felt like a victim. 

If the answer from the person is angry or was a get out of my face answer my life would immediately be ruined. My mind would not let me stop thinking about that apartment. 

I would start trying to find a way to make peace with that person and if I could not I would rationalize that I wanted to find a new apartment.

That is a taste of how a big part of my life has been. In reality I'm just a nice Jewish boy whose brain was really derailed by genetic flaws. 

However, I am blessed to be healthy, free, and having a great life despite my insanity. I am much better now after lots of hard work on my head.

 I used to believe I had to say and do fearful, terrifying, dangerous acts or something bad would happen. 

Now, I cope with my ocd demons with words and actions that are restricted to my own, safe, trustworthy and lasting coping mechanisms. I no longer have to be afraid of what I will do with ocd urges. I will do nothing outside of  the confines my mind. All work is done in my internal premises. 

Knowing that acting out is futile and destructive 100% of the time is my new reality. It took many long years and much suffering to accept myself with the flaws in my personality. But, the payoff in peace of mind and tranquility is well worth it.

 I admit, Staying in control is brutally hard. Emotions are so strong with any addiction. Now, there is no more self imposed, legal, medical, or personal trouble. I fear no consequences of aberrant behavior. I do not do it. 

I realized that permanent solutions come from within. I am rewarded daily for not acting out because there are so many triggers tempting all of us addicts.  

I've gotten better by changing how I think, live, interact, and relate. I am in recovery and have been for a long time. I know about recovery from being in Gamblers Anonymous (GA) for over 11 years without placing a bet. 

All addictions are very similar. They are all nothing but abnormal urges. It is just about how they are coped with. Tough stuff to accept but accepting powerlessness is the only answer no matter what you are addicted to. Throw up that white flag.

I am powerless and I always will be over my addictions so I do not act on them.

I never realized, as I do now, that I had an incurable disease. I could never surrender and say "David, you cannot cure this condition by any external measures. The solution lies only within. 

I have learned how to talk to become friends with myself. It works.

 Medicine,  meditation, therapy, support groups, working out, writing and talking to others does wonders for ocd sufferers and for other addictive disorders. Just stop wasting that good mind. 

Ocd comes in so many forms. It is a supremely complex condition that only a very small percentage of people are afflicted with to a serious degree. Everyone understands ocd to some degree but are  far from being incapacitated from it. Then there is us.   

 Fortunately, the mind is a resilient structure. Change the focus and the picture becomes different quickly. That is not an easy assignment as many of you know.      

 My ocd and all ocd boils down to a fear of living with anxiety and fear. Sounds simple and logical but it is not.
The triggers are so emotional and irrational that it is very hard to think logically when that dog barks or that person insults me.    

It's not me it's my ocd is an easy concept to understand intellectually but a brutally hard concept to apply emotionally.

But, it can be done and provides real relief if one can accept it.   

 So, it is real progress when that ocd urge takes second position to the comfort of knowing that you do not have to do anything externally to cope with it. 

One just has to realize what is happening with our addictions whatever they are. 

That is relief. No more jumping into the cage with the lion.
OCD cannot be cured so why try.  Addictions cannot be cured. Only arrested. That is as good as it gets and that is good enough.
My fight is over. 
End your fight.

Surrender and get help.
Now.  
It's the only answer.
Go to Google.

  

Wednesday, October 24, 2018

SHUT UP TRUMP OR SOMEONE WILL GET KILLED

This country is going to shit. That piece of human garbage, Donald J. Trump is not only screwing up the entire country regarding his mis-management and idiotic actions regarding his presidency. He has also been inciting people violence against opposing people since the primaries. Trump is a moron who does know what to do as a politician. He only knows how to be a punk. He is not very good at anything except causing trouble. 

We have big problems because of  dummy Don Trump. It is getting worse everyday he still is the president This goof thinks the press is the enemy. He feels so insecure and so inferior he can only do dumber and dumber things with his actions and his rhetoric which instigate criminal behavior among his supporters.. 

Cowardly Republicans must stand up to Trump and stop him. Trump cried like a baby when Sarah Sanders, Mitch McConnell, Kellyanne Conway, and a few other Trump supporters were verbally harassed at some public places. Now, murderous bombs are being sent to Democratic supporters and officials. 

Someone is going to get killed if Trump does not tone down his rhetoric He may have to cancel speeches though. He has nothing to say that is intelligent.
Where is Rudy Giuliani?

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Fear Would Not Let Me Fuck

Many years ago I went to visit a friend in Arizona. I was in my forties. My older friend introduced me to his younger daughter who I knew previously on only a superficial basis. She had never looked very good to me.  She was too heavy. But, she had gotten in shape and was a knockout when shes passed by her dads swimming pool a day or so after I arrived to visit him. I told him that his daughter looked great and that I would like to go out with her. He called her and told her of my interest but she said she had no time because her and her boyfriend were on their way to a tennis tournament and would not be back in town for several days. "Oh shit" I thought. "Too bad".
 
Shortly thereafter  the phone rang. Her plans to go out of town with her boyfriend were cancelled due to an argument they had had. She asked her dad if "that guy still wanted to go out with her"? He told me of her interest.. He then put me on the phone with her. I said  "I would like to get together" and we made plans to go out for Chinese food that same night. She said come to her complex to a swimming party scheduled earlier that night and  then we could go out for dinner. The party was loaded with young, hot professional people who only wanted to drink, smoke reefer, and party. I had a great time as this hot woman introduced me to her friends and neighbors.

Later, when the party was over she took me back to her room while we changed clothes. She and I talked casually.  I had known her dad for a long time but I had never really talked to his daughter before. She never had  looked good enough to me but now it was different.. Being in the sunny weather and working out had done wonders for her. She always had a good face and big rack. Now, she was a bomb.

Anyway, we were soon sitting in a Chinese restaurant and I was eating hot and sour soup. I was slurping away and suddenly she said "you're a "hazer" which is a friendly way to call someone a pig in Jewish. She smiled widely at me and she actually looked into my eyes with interest.

 I was in love immediately. Later, after listening to some music at a club we went back to her apartment presumably.so I could pick up  my car and get my swimming clothes.. I came into her apartment and just sat and gazed at her. She read my mind.

 "No, no no" she cautioned.. "You're my fathers friend and I think of you as a brother." The moment had arrived to put her to the test. I took a deep breath like I have so many other times when I was about to do something I feared..

"Guess what" I said. "Your brother wants to eat your pussy"
She laughed hysterically and said.. "It would be like incest" I smiled  "So what I said"""I never did incest ,did you"?. "It will be a new dining experience".

I moved toward her and kissed her deeply.. She responded. Next thing I knew she was ripping off both of our clothes .
Then, disaster struck.My dick would not co-operate. It was lymph. She started to suck my cock but with no results. I went into panic mode. This was before Viagra or Cialis and my cock had always been temperamental anyway.. Any noise, loud music, arguing, or other distractions would completely throw me off.sexually.

We smoked some reefer which used to be my wonder drug. No dice. But she didn't just send me away. She told me not to worry about it. It was just "performance anxiety" and would go away in the morning.. She said she just wanted to hold me as we laid naked in her bed. I naturally was tormented and could not sleep all night ruminating  about not being able to perform.

She woke up early the next morning and went to teach school. She left me her car and house keys and got a ride to school. I laid there trying to mentally prepare myself for our next sexual encounter. She came home later in the afternoon and we went out for lunch and went to get me a haircut. Not a word was mentioned about my "performance anxiety. The same night we were back in bed again. She had found some real passion for me even with my missing hard on. I could feel her genuine feelings emerge.as she held me and kissed my lips.

We started to make love again. Finally, my cock came around and we had sex. My hard on popped up. It was wonderful. Being inside her was heaven. We seemed made for each other.

Afterward we walked onto the outside walkway  for some fresh air.  I noticed this weird looking guy a few doors down who made a stupid remark to her about me.  It was an  insulting comment about who is this new guy?. I was going to answer but she said "No, don't talk to him. He's crazy" So, considering my neurotic, fearful brain all I could think of was confronting this dude.  I knew he had thrown me off. I knew I would have performance trouble again. I got that familiar sick feeling in my stomach that I had experienced since I was a little boy. I was intimidated. Intimidation had always done it.. Later, I again could not get it up again because of the anxiety I felt thinking about this guy..

It takes very little to put me in a fearful and impotent state. It has always been that way. I did tell her about my need to talk to or confront this guy to get him off my mind. I knew that my only chance to feel good again was by interacting with him somehow. By talking to him, hitting him, saying something nasty or anything other then just leaving the situation alone.She said to have absolutely no interaction with him. She said she hated him but she had to live in the same complex and on the same floor as him and she did not want me to cause a problem.

She was right. My attempts to remedy my neurotic fears had  failed many times in the past and I had made many situations worse when I was trying to prove my manhood and relieve whatever terrible anxiety was incapacitating me..

So, I was stuck with a lymph dick and fear in my stomach from this guy. and I had with no tools to fix my head. This was long before I knew about cognitive behavior, prozac, valium, or any associated psychological methods of coping with anxiety and fear. I felt I had to have interaction with him or whatever I needed to do to release his psychological grip on my brain and libido.. It could have been as simple as just introducing myself and shaking hands with him. Most likely though I would have exacerbated the problem if I made contact with him.

 All he had done was make one baseless remark I should have been able to dismiss it. But my obsessive compulsive disorder previously  prevented any relief in those kind of situations. Countless hours of therapy and self help have resolved most of  my OCD issues but it has taken a lot of work. It was a terrible time back then. I had no coping tools to relieve my mind..

I never was able to get my cock going again with her even though she was wonderful and patient. I could not deliver what we both wanted. Finally, I flew back home depressed and frutrated..We saw each other a few more times over the years..We never did got right.

My sexuality was temporarily destroyed by a single incident from a total stranger. It all came from being bullied and being made to not feel like a man when I was a child.. I have overcome most of my insecurities at the age of 67 but it has been a painful disabling.journey.

Monday, December 30, 2013

Bully Fight: Jerry and Gary

There was a bully by the name of Gary. He was the good old fashioned type who tried to intimidate anyone who would show any weakness. I met him in grade school. He was about twelve years old as was I.
One day he was pitching softball in gym class. He made a slow pitch game into his own fast pitch game and started throwing balls at everyone's heads who came up to bat.

He had a lot of kids scared to death.  He threw punches to our stomachs and heads. I was sick to my stomach with fear and he didn't even have me as a primary target.. No one hit back.

He was like a blond haired, skinny monster who kept getting scarier and scarier as the school year went on.
The day of reckoning did  come for Gary. He decided to challenge a really tough kid who was not a total bully but  a sometime bully who was a savage fighter.

Gary told everyone he was not afraid of Jerry and wanted to meet him at the park to have a fight. The day of the fight came and it seemed that about 200 kids showed up to watch. There was nothing much to see. Gary went at Jerry fists flying swinging out of control. Jerry just stood still, blocked a few punches and grabbed Gary by the throat. Jerry hit him in the nose sending Gary spinning and Gary was  beaten immediately. He backed up but he couldn't get away from the charging Jerry..

Jerry caught him and then put him in a headlock and hit him in the face with about eight brutally hard, perfectly placed uppercuts. Gary's face looked like it had gone through a meet grinder. His nose and mouth were bleeding heavily as Jerry finally let screaming Gary out of the headlock.

Jerry stood there, having hardly gotten a workout smiling at Gary. He didn't even smile with cocky pride. Gary was to lame to even be counted as a worthwhile victory for Jerry..

The kids all walked away mumbling about how really tough Jerry was and mumbling I told you soh's about what a chickenshit piece of crap Gary really was. The question was why had anyone ever let Gary shove them around? The answer was obvious.

Everyone was afraid to stand up to Gary .

Sunday, December 29, 2013

Bullied For Life

I started to write down the names of all the people who have bullied me, both physically and psychologically, in my life and I realize that I could write forever about those experiences. It all started when I was a very little boy. I was afraid to fight back when I was harassed and soon everyone had my number. Even though I was popular and a good athlete bullies would find me and pick up on my vulnerability.

So, eventually at school, in the playground, at a party or the movies, anywhere at all, a bully would test me and see that I would not stand up for myself. So, besides the shame and disgrace I felt then I would have to constantly be fearful of being around that guy. Hyper vigilance and constant anxiety became the cornerstones of my existence.

I am now 65 years old and things have not changed except the ages of the people who test me to see if I will become their victim. I can still be easily intimidated if a bully knows what to say or do to get in my head.

I have used so much mental energy analyzing myself because of the continual shame and repulsion I have felt that even after being in therapy, taking medicine, engaging in cognitive behavior therapy, and sharing my innermost thoughts about my terribly damaged ego and lack of self esteem I cannot seem to get any lasting relief.

I am constantly in fear of events occurring that I cannot control but feel I must react to..Threats. A neighbor playing loud music, a dog barking nearby that is creating a disturbance, a bully in the street I see taking advantage of someone who cannot defend themselves, or any other situation where I feel that I will have to stand up and walk through the wall of fear to confront the bully.

I am either afraid to act and do nothing and afterward will torture myself for cowardliness. Or, I face the fear and confront a person I think is a bully for the wrong reasons. I often end up not accomplishing my objective of resolving the problem but exacerbate it. Sometimes, I do solve my perception of a bullying problem only to have another similar situation quickly appear.

Long ago I learned to face fear even if it is not justified. I just need the release of facing the fear that I could not face when I was a little boy. I learned how to step into the mouth of terror often for the wrong reasons and then suffer terrible consequences. The aftermath is still feeling bullied by needing to correct a situation I should have never created.

It turns out that many of my actions were not about  helping the victim, whether the victim is myself or another person but about resolving something that I should have resolved internally. Sometimes it is not bullying, it is my bullied personality creating or distorting a problem. If I were not so sensitized to any situation that could upset my delicate anti-bullying equilibrium I would filter out real situations from ones that I just blew up incorrectly in my mind..

It's a.painful life being a bully or a victim.