Fear Would Not Let Me Fuck
Many years ago I went to visit a friend in Arizona. I was in my forties. My older friend introduced me to his younger daughter who I knew previously on only a superficial basis. She had never looked very good to me. She was too heavy. But, she had gotten in shape and was a knockout when shes passed by her dads swimming pool a day or so after I arrived to visit him. I told him that his daughter looked great and that I would like to go out with her. He called her and told her of my interest but she said she had no time because her and her boyfriend were on their way to a tennis tournament and would not be back in town for several days. "Oh shit" I thought. "Too bad".
Shortly thereafter the phone rang. Her plans to go out of town with her boyfriend were cancelled due to an argument they had had. She asked her dad if "that guy still wanted to go out with her"? He told me of her interest.. He then put me on the phone with her. I said "I would like to get together" and we made plans to go out for Chinese food that same night. She said come to her complex to a swimming party scheduled earlier that night and then we could go out for dinner. The party was loaded with young, hot professional people who only wanted to drink, smoke reefer, and party. I had a great time as this hot woman introduced me to her friends and neighbors.
Later, when the party was over she took me back to her room while we changed clothes. She and I talked casually. I had known her dad for a long time but I had never really talked to his daughter before. She never had looked good enough to me but now it was different.. Being in the sunny weather and working out had done wonders for her. She always had a good face and big rack. Now, she was a bomb.
Anyway, we were soon sitting in a Chinese restaurant and I was eating hot and sour soup. I was slurping away and suddenly she said "you're a "hazer" which is a friendly way to call someone a pig in Jewish. She smiled widely at me and she actually looked into my eyes with interest.
I was in love immediately. Later, after listening to some music at a club we went back to her apartment presumably.so I could pick up my car and get my swimming clothes.. I came into her apartment and just sat and gazed at her. She read my mind.
"No, no no" she cautioned.. "You're my fathers friend and I think of you as a brother." The moment had arrived to put her to the test. I took a deep breath like I have so many other times when I was about to do something I feared..
"Guess what" I said. "Your brother wants to eat your pussy"
She laughed hysterically and said.. "It would be like incest" I smiled "So what I said"""I never did incest ,did you"?. "It will be a new dining experience".
I moved toward her and kissed her deeply.. She responded. Next thing I knew she was ripping off both of our clothes .
Then, disaster struck.My dick would not co-operate. It was lymph. She started to suck my cock but with no results. I went into panic mode. This was before Viagra or Cialis and my cock had always been temperamental anyway.. Any noise, loud music, arguing, or other distractions would completely throw me off.sexually.
We smoked some reefer which used to be my wonder drug. No dice. But she didn't just send me away. She told me not to worry about it. It was just "performance anxiety" and would go away in the morning.. She said she just wanted to hold me as we laid naked in her bed. I naturally was tormented and could not sleep all night ruminating about not being able to perform.
She woke up early the next morning and went to teach school. She left me her car and house keys and got a ride to school. I laid there trying to mentally prepare myself for our next sexual encounter. She came home later in the afternoon and we went out for lunch and went to get me a haircut. Not a word was mentioned about my "performance anxiety. The same night we were back in bed again. She had found some real passion for me even with my missing hard on. I could feel her genuine feelings emerge.as she held me and kissed my lips.
We started to make love again. Finally, my cock came around and we had sex. My hard on popped up. It was wonderful. Being inside her was heaven. We seemed made for each other.
Afterward we walked onto the outside walkway for some fresh air. I noticed this weird looking guy a few doors down who made a stupid remark to her about me. It was an insulting comment about who is this new guy?. I was going to answer but she said "No, don't talk to him. He's crazy" So, considering my neurotic, fearful brain all I could think of was confronting this dude. I knew he had thrown me off. I knew I would have performance trouble again. I got that familiar sick feeling in my stomach that I had experienced since I was a little boy. I was intimidated. Intimidation had always done it.. Later, I again could not get it up again because of the anxiety I felt thinking about this guy..
It takes very little to put me in a fearful and impotent state. It has always been that way. I did tell her about my need to talk to or confront this guy to get him off my mind. I knew that my only chance to feel good again was by interacting with him somehow. By talking to him, hitting him, saying something nasty or anything other then just leaving the situation alone.She said to have absolutely no interaction with him. She said she hated him but she had to live in the same complex and on the same floor as him and she did not want me to cause a problem.
She was right. My attempts to remedy my neurotic fears had failed many times in the past and I had made many situations worse when I was trying to prove my manhood and relieve whatever terrible anxiety was incapacitating me..
So, I was stuck with a lymph dick and fear in my stomach from this guy. and I had with no tools to fix my head. This was long before I knew about cognitive behavior, prozac, valium, or any associated psychological methods of coping with anxiety and fear. I felt I had to have interaction with him or whatever I needed to do to release his psychological grip on my brain and libido.. It could have been as simple as just introducing myself and shaking hands with him. Most likely though I would have exacerbated the problem if I made contact with him.
All he had done was make one baseless remark I should have been able to dismiss it. But my obsessive compulsive disorder previously prevented any relief in those kind of situations. Countless hours of therapy and self help have resolved most of my OCD issues but it has taken a lot of work. It was a terrible time back then. I had no coping tools to relieve my mind..
I never was able to get my cock going again with her even though she was wonderful and patient. I could not deliver what we both wanted. Finally, I flew back home depressed and frutrated..We saw each other a few more times over the years..We never did got right.
My sexuality was temporarily destroyed by a single incident from a total stranger. It all came from being bullied and being made to not feel like a man when I was a child.. I have overcome most of my insecurities at the age of 67 but it has been a painful disabling.journey.
Shortly thereafter the phone rang. Her plans to go out of town with her boyfriend were cancelled due to an argument they had had. She asked her dad if "that guy still wanted to go out with her"? He told me of her interest.. He then put me on the phone with her. I said "I would like to get together" and we made plans to go out for Chinese food that same night. She said come to her complex to a swimming party scheduled earlier that night and then we could go out for dinner. The party was loaded with young, hot professional people who only wanted to drink, smoke reefer, and party. I had a great time as this hot woman introduced me to her friends and neighbors.
Later, when the party was over she took me back to her room while we changed clothes. She and I talked casually. I had known her dad for a long time but I had never really talked to his daughter before. She never had looked good enough to me but now it was different.. Being in the sunny weather and working out had done wonders for her. She always had a good face and big rack. Now, she was a bomb.
Anyway, we were soon sitting in a Chinese restaurant and I was eating hot and sour soup. I was slurping away and suddenly she said "you're a "hazer" which is a friendly way to call someone a pig in Jewish. She smiled widely at me and she actually looked into my eyes with interest.
I was in love immediately. Later, after listening to some music at a club we went back to her apartment presumably.so I could pick up my car and get my swimming clothes.. I came into her apartment and just sat and gazed at her. She read my mind.
"No, no no" she cautioned.. "You're my fathers friend and I think of you as a brother." The moment had arrived to put her to the test. I took a deep breath like I have so many other times when I was about to do something I feared..
"Guess what" I said. "Your brother wants to eat your pussy"
She laughed hysterically and said.. "It would be like incest" I smiled "So what I said"""I never did incest ,did you"?. "It will be a new dining experience".
I moved toward her and kissed her deeply.. She responded. Next thing I knew she was ripping off both of our clothes .
Then, disaster struck.My dick would not co-operate. It was lymph. She started to suck my cock but with no results. I went into panic mode. This was before Viagra or Cialis and my cock had always been temperamental anyway.. Any noise, loud music, arguing, or other distractions would completely throw me off.sexually.
We smoked some reefer which used to be my wonder drug. No dice. But she didn't just send me away. She told me not to worry about it. It was just "performance anxiety" and would go away in the morning.. She said she just wanted to hold me as we laid naked in her bed. I naturally was tormented and could not sleep all night ruminating about not being able to perform.
She woke up early the next morning and went to teach school. She left me her car and house keys and got a ride to school. I laid there trying to mentally prepare myself for our next sexual encounter. She came home later in the afternoon and we went out for lunch and went to get me a haircut. Not a word was mentioned about my "performance anxiety. The same night we were back in bed again. She had found some real passion for me even with my missing hard on. I could feel her genuine feelings emerge.as she held me and kissed my lips.
We started to make love again. Finally, my cock came around and we had sex. My hard on popped up. It was wonderful. Being inside her was heaven. We seemed made for each other.
Afterward we walked onto the outside walkway for some fresh air. I noticed this weird looking guy a few doors down who made a stupid remark to her about me. It was an insulting comment about who is this new guy?. I was going to answer but she said "No, don't talk to him. He's crazy" So, considering my neurotic, fearful brain all I could think of was confronting this dude. I knew he had thrown me off. I knew I would have performance trouble again. I got that familiar sick feeling in my stomach that I had experienced since I was a little boy. I was intimidated. Intimidation had always done it.. Later, I again could not get it up again because of the anxiety I felt thinking about this guy..
It takes very little to put me in a fearful and impotent state. It has always been that way. I did tell her about my need to talk to or confront this guy to get him off my mind. I knew that my only chance to feel good again was by interacting with him somehow. By talking to him, hitting him, saying something nasty or anything other then just leaving the situation alone.She said to have absolutely no interaction with him. She said she hated him but she had to live in the same complex and on the same floor as him and she did not want me to cause a problem.
She was right. My attempts to remedy my neurotic fears had failed many times in the past and I had made many situations worse when I was trying to prove my manhood and relieve whatever terrible anxiety was incapacitating me..
So, I was stuck with a lymph dick and fear in my stomach from this guy. and I had with no tools to fix my head. This was long before I knew about cognitive behavior, prozac, valium, or any associated psychological methods of coping with anxiety and fear. I felt I had to have interaction with him or whatever I needed to do to release his psychological grip on my brain and libido.. It could have been as simple as just introducing myself and shaking hands with him. Most likely though I would have exacerbated the problem if I made contact with him.
All he had done was make one baseless remark I should have been able to dismiss it. But my obsessive compulsive disorder previously prevented any relief in those kind of situations. Countless hours of therapy and self help have resolved most of my OCD issues but it has taken a lot of work. It was a terrible time back then. I had no coping tools to relieve my mind..
I never was able to get my cock going again with her even though she was wonderful and patient. I could not deliver what we both wanted. Finally, I flew back home depressed and frutrated..We saw each other a few more times over the years..We never did got right.
My sexuality was temporarily destroyed by a single incident from a total stranger. It all came from being bullied and being made to not feel like a man when I was a child.. I have overcome most of my insecurities at the age of 67 but it has been a painful disabling.journey.
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