VLADIMIR PUTIN WANTS TO PLAY RUSSIAN ROULETTE

 David Stein | Coconut Creek , Fl

Vladimir Putin is the biggest bully who ever existed in this world. But, the bully psychology is the same with him as it always has been with any bully. Putin will keep terrorizing and killing as long as his victims will not fight back. Whether the bully is in the schoolyard or in a worldwide confrontation the only way the bully is stopped is when his aggression is resisted. I understand. The stakes cannot be higher in the worlds conflict against the Russian dictator Putin because standing up to him risks a nuclear war. However, not standing up to him risks allowing a psychotic killer to take whatever he wants from any country because he has intimidated the world. Words will not stop him. Actions will possibly finish him. So far, the bully Vladimir Putin has not been tested to see if he will bow to fear being instilled in him by America and all the NATO countries showing and telling him they will take no more punishment. Putin will not halt his quest for domination until he is personally so frightened that he will not be allowed to keep on bullying that his own cowardliness will overtake him. It may be time to play Russian roulette with this evil, sick monster. Military brilliance is essential because if a tactical or political bluff against Putin does not work we will need an off ramp. One thing is for sure. The world has to at least try to end Putin’s reign of terror. Vladimir Putin is just a bully. He needs a worldwide vicious and treacherous response.

HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES. OUR NEW SHERIFF WHO WILL SAVE US

 There is a new sheriff in town. The sheriff is the United States House Of Representatives. They are tougher, smarter, and wealthier than the bullies and defenders of the "big lie"and Donald Trump.

I feel ecstatic that there is a force to fight back against the scum bags and low lives who have terrorized descent Americans.

I am a liberal and never thought I would be grateful to Liz Cheney for anything she believed in. Now, since she stood up for Democracy and took on her party jeopardizing her own self interests I am a Liz Cheney fan as well as a fan of all those who have rejected Trumps "the big lie"

Courage is contagious. The House has weaponized the normal, good Americans with protection from the autocrats.

Now it's time to pound the law breaking Trump thugs into the ground.

Get to work Merrick Garland and start working on throwing Donald Trump and his minions in jail.

BEING BULLIED IS A LIFETIME SENTENCE OF TORMENT

 

I was just a little five year old boy waiting in line to be let into my first grade class. It was 1953 at a Chicago Elementary school named De-Witt Clinton located on the north side of the city where I grew up.

It was the first day of the semester and I did not know many of the forty or so kids in line also waiting to go to their first day of class.  

For no reason a boy I had never seen before walked in front of me and said "Hey kid, ever been kicked in the balls?"

"No", I innocently answered.

 He then kicked me squarely in my small crotch. I doubled over in pain, went down, and started to cry.

 As I caught my breath and stood up the last thing on my mind was hitting or retaliating against him. I was too scared and ashamed. 

The other kids standing around laughed at my misery. They taunted me mercilessly. "Fight, fight, fight," they screamed.

I felt humiliated and victimized.

I already knew what bullying was and had seen it done to others.

I knew I had been had.

Instinctively, I knew that attacking Larry, who was standing there laughing, was theonly move but I was too afraid to act.

I could not overcome that horrid feeling of being afraid to fight..

That was the first time I remember being bullied. It would not be the last. 

Many others also bullied me throughout my life.  

I did not stand up for myself or others countless times because I was scared to. Being intimidated became part of my soul.

That nauseating feeling of fear turned out to be the core of my frightened existence.

 Being intimidated and cowardly has been the paralyzing demon that has controlled my mind.  Either actions or words can cow me.

After being targeted continually I learned quickly that bullies can  be dealt with by guys with the courage to fight which I did not have. 

I never learned until much later there were other ways to deal with bullies. 

 So, I became more and more incapacitated around people who I judged to be tough and macho.

 A bullying victim must suffer devastating consequences both internally and externally. I did and do.

Even after much therapy and understanding that my fears of being bullied are usually irrational and incorrect it did not change the self loathing I have always felt.

Much later in life I would intentionally face terrifying and dangerous situations to rid myself of the feeling of being a coward.

I faced and fought bullies.

 I would feel better for a while or conversely make a situation much worse when retaliating against someone who I thought had physically or mentally bullied me.

Either way, the feeling of fear always returned. 

Another bully has always been there because the real bully is my mind.

 I have not been able to live with the incurable emotion that I will always be vulnerable around people who intimidate me.

I have struggled valiantly to the point that I now have to resist the impulse to fight rather then surrender to it.

 Like any addiction (ocd) demands resisting an urge. I am better now but it is like carrying boulders on my shoulders each day.

It is always flight or fight in my tormented mind. It's a paradox because whether I fight or fly the cowardly feeling in me waits patiently to take charge again. 

Now, it's mostly words and deeds rather than physical action. But, it is all the same in my brain.

My life is all about relieving that intimidated feeling that never rests. The answer lies in self acceptance. 

It can be found at times and than vanishes.

I'm perpetually on guard for any situation where I fear I may get that cowardly feeling in my stomach and mistakenly think that only facing fear will relieve it.

 Allowing the feeling of fear to desensitize without doing anything is the real answer.  That comes with much therapy. (ocd)  Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is tough as nails to battle but therapy works. 

I learned that the real objective is to accept the fearful feelings and not flee from them but let them live without becoming paralyzed by them.

 I continue the endless battle to not react to those around me who instill fear in me.

  Now, not acting out is my answer but I cannot ever forget what Larry did to me.

.

COMPUTER HELL FOR 72 YEAR OLD GUY WITH OCD

It's computer dummy heaven today. I just figured out how to fix my laptop all by myself. It only required batteries but normally I would not have been able to even find where the batteries go. My new OCD mindfulness gave me a bonus. I am a 72 year old geezer but giddy as if I had just stolen my first high school kiss.

A fortunate life has been my blessing. But, as my mother used to say, "your worst enemy cannot do to you what you can do to yourself."

What a merciless self-assaulter I have been. We are talking mentally, The pain from a broken brain is ferocious.

I remember trying to lay my dead tired eight-year-old body in bed and go to sleep. But I couldn't. The pillow would not line up to my satisfaction with a thin line on the headboard. So, I would keep popping up out of bed like a jumping jack for hours on end trying to set the pillow exactly the way I wanted it. I would finally just flop into the bed, drenched in sweat, and then pass out because my little body was so exhausted.

The obsessions became worse as I got older. Physical confrontation became the centerpiece of my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. The word FEAR is central to my defective brain. I believe it is to everyone with OCD.

Facing danger, real or imagined, made physical confrontation my curse. I would be mentally obsessed to go back after someone who I decided had bullied me with words or deeds. It could have been a schoolmate from high school who I remember slapped me around thirty years before, or a person who insulted a lady at the golf course this morning who I thought and felt I should have confronted.

I could mentally grab onto any event and conclude that I had to be an avenging angel. All that had to happen was a thought, a mere thought, popping into my head. Bingo. The thought would not go away. Then off I would go to OCD hell.

My stomach would start rolling constantly. Only finding the misguided courage to act by confronting the bully would abate the fear. My delusional missions lasted from days to decades and sometimes in multiple forms. Than the fear would come back about the same thing or something else and often with even more inappropriate acts. I do not know how I led a somewhat normal life.

Symbolically, my efforts at trying to line up that pillow defined my life. Endlessly confronting and chasing people who I felt had picked on or bullied me. I could be tormented for any reason such as someone playing their music too loudly, or to allowing their dogs to bark, or feel that someone insulted me, or made fun of me, or criticizing me, or making what I thought to be an inappropriate remark to my girlfriends, or thoughlessly slammed doors, and countless other events that would provoke the same insanity in me that trying to adjust that pillow triggered.

All it took was for me to think that I was the victim. Then came the conclusion I had to even the score, to take vengeance.

Then the fear took hold. The fear of living for a confrontation I did not want but thought I had to have. Being consumed. Like a soldier anticipating battle. But an irrational battle for all the wrong reasons.

I fearfully and insanely provoked countless confrontations because of the misguided belief that I would get permanent relief after I resolved some issue. I would eventually end up worse off then I was before I started trying to solve the thing that triggered me.

I ended up in court, in front of judges, in jail, and in a mental hospital because of the degrees to which I would go to seek relief.

I went to so many shrinks, took so many pills, read so many books, and even today, I still can suffer as I write about these episodes of OCD sixty-five years later. It has no end. It continues to plague me.

I blessedly and gratefully have found pathways to relief through exercising, writing and journaling, meditating, deep breathing exercises, and just knowing that the OCD urge is just a thinking disorder and can and must be accepted and coped with. That sounds easy but it's not. It takes constant and consistent mind-bending work to come to terms with it. There is hope.

I am not violent or psychotic. I am a lifelong scared little boy who was told to go outside to face the bullies in the old neighborhood. I cried instead. My family's definition of courage was about fists and not words. It took a lifetime for me to recognize my family was fucked up, but with good intentions. They did not know macho was not a one size fits all hat.

After many years of good fortune, except for the few times getting punched and hurt by a neighbor who was slapping around his girlfriend and beat me up for interfering, I never paid a big physical price.

Mentally, it is another story.

I have been arrested several times for minor non-violent crimes. I have been in the mental ward. Everything was connected to OCD.

Endless hours, days, months, years of OCD torture have left me damaged mentally but okay enough to say I am much better after a lot of hard work.

I am now spending time learning how to let stuff go and accept my condition. I never really cared about standing up for myself except for a few times in my life where it was legitimate. It's selfishly only been about relieving the fear that I felt with no alternatives. That is erroneous and wrong.

Writing is an alternative for me. Playing ball, reading, volunteering, running, and almost any mental and physical activity are tools that work well in battling OCD.

Going to OCD group meetings and becoming friendly with and supportive of others who are afflicted, is terrifically helpful and a big step in recovering.

The irrational but overwhelming fear of the "what ifs" of not doing what you falsely believe you must do literally eats you up. However, once you are able to realize that the anxiety of OCD urges can be endured with training, life gets immeasurably better.

Saying no to debilitating OCD urges is the only way to get healthier. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is permanent, but can be effectively dealt with as with addictions like gambling or drinking and many others. It takes time and treatment.

12 step programs are effective.

You can do it.

Why becomes an obvious question to anyone reading this who does not have OCD.

Answer....

Normal brains do not involuntarily attach to abnormal thinking. OCD brains do. They are different chemically and they do not process thoughts correctly.

OCD is always about fear, fear, fear, whether you are compulsively checking and rechecking the stove, door, the dogs water, washing your hands, obsessing about harming a child, facing a bully or some other thought.

But, there are ways to safely treat OCD.

My hope is that this helps some fellow sufferers get some value from my self-knowledge, or even better, some relief.

I have just started to write again about OCD.

My Purpose is to help others with what this is about for me. There has to be more to life than my girlfriend, my dog, pickle ball, golf, eating and tormenting myself with new and age old major OCD issues.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is all about fear no matter where you start.

Fear can be conquered properly.

Go online and look at resources and blogs on OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder.) There is so much there for every sufferer.

Read about it. Find relief. It is there.

Here are some resources to use. I just want to help. I do not get paid in any way by anyone I mention. I Do not know them. I want to help.

I just Google, do my research, just as you should do.

Here are a few resources around the country that came up:

FHEHealth Restore 888-986-1382

Park Avenue Psychotherapy Associates 973-815-0777

Go To YouTube and punch up OCD

Call 720-605-1316

Call 305-856-9442

Call 754-227-6634

Online Therapy-312-955-1212

Good Luck

David S.

I am an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder sufferer associated with no one.

REPUBLICAN SENATORS SUPPORTING TRUMP HAVE NO BALLS

 Who has balls? 

Balls used to be a source of pride and honor for anyone. Balls means marching into the jaws of fear and doing what you should or what you must do regardless of the consequences.

Every person knows the feeling of fear. It is that sick, stomach rolling, feeling that grips your body because of the fear of doing something dangerous, scary, intimidating, or anything else that is frightening to do. 

Having balls or no balls can be about either a physical or mental problem. 

Some have an easier time finding balls and others are ferociously terrified. The feeling one has is not about how one feels. 

Balls is only about what a person does in the moment of truth. It is all about fight or flight.

Whether it is speaking truth to power or fighting with fists in the street, or facing sickness bravely, or telling off your boss, or anything else that requires that scary walk through the wall of fear it is all about the same thing. Balls.

Balls is balls. It is one of the constants in humanity that defies time or circumstances.

Today, Donald J. Trumps second impeachment trial starts. He figures to be acquitted of inciting an attack on the United States capital.

He is guilty as hell but most of the cowardly Republican senators are afraid of the consequences of convicting despicable Trump because Trump can ruin their careers. 

Most senators have no balls. They are afraid of losing power and money. 

They suck. 

They are too afraid to do the right thing because Trump took their balls or they never had them to start with.

Republican leader Liz Cheney showed she had big balls by opposing bully Trump despite angering her supporters. She went against Trump as did a very few other Republicans. 

Applause for Liz Cheney

Applause for all who have stood up to Trump.

Piss on all the other cowardly Republican politicians.

Fuck Donald J. Trump. 

BULLIED: MY FRIEND THE GOLF COURSE BULLY

I always play golf on the weekends with a group of about eight guys. We are all personal friends some closer than others. 

I am very good friends with one of the guys. We are all between the ages of forty five and seventy two years old me being the oldest. 

I have experienced a lifetime of being bullied whether it is mental or physical. I've made a very big effort to stand up for myself with words and deeds. It is scary and tormenting to act when you are afraid but one must face fear when necessary.

Sometimes I succeed and many other times I do not in defending myself. Complicating things is my severe lifelong emotional disorder with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).

Without going deep into an analysis of my particular condition which centers around fighting back when I feel victimized I will point out a case in point to explain exactly why I feel bullied right now.

The guy I am very close to is also a bully. His bullying tools are not his muscles but his mouth and alpha personality. 

I love this guy usually. We have a ton of fun and mutual understanding when he is not being an abusive asshole. I believe he really does not want to be a bully. 

I have called him out on it many times but bullying is baked into his personality. He has responded to my unprofessional but intelligent therapies to some degrees. But, not enough. 

We have disagreements and he gets defensive because he thinks I am bullying him with words and abstract concepts which are a problem for him. He thinks I am too smart which is not true. 

Anyway, he told me big words intimidate him so I try not to use them.

 Unlike him, I try to control my vocabulary when around him. He does not extend me the same sensitivity.

My main problem with him occurs on the golf course. He is a great golfer. I am a bad golfer who keeps on playing because I love the game, 

I do have moments of brilliance, and I love and hate playing with my bully friend who is both my cheering section and my relentless taskmaster when I do not follow his instructions or disagree with him. 

Last night I called another guy in the group who makes the golf time reservations. I played so badly yesterday and my back was so sore that I called him to cancel myself for today's game.

I wanted to make sure I was not causing a problem for anyone else in screwing up the times. He said no problem so I thanked him and went to sleep.  

Today, I awoke to find a text from my main tormentor. It simply had a thumbs down symbol on the message. My frenemy learned I cancelled out and did not know if I was sick, hurt, or just did not want to play. 

He did not care. 

He narcissistically reacted by punishing me. He likes me being out there because the guy strangely does love me. I have empathized with this man through many of his own issues where he needed comfort, and understanding. 

That mattered not when he saw I would not play today. To defend myself I left him a voice mail which he did not yet respond to. 

I also wrote him a text in which I said that if he sent the thumbs down symbol because of being very disappointed I will not be there that's one thing. 

If he sent it because he is angry that I blew off the game that is something else. 

I wrote that if you did it just to make me feel bad you lack empathy which is a subject we have discussed. 

We will see what happens. It's probably wasted words. 

So, that is my story this morning, I have decided to write about my experiences in my seventy two years of being victimized.

Being bullied has literally driven me crazy. It has also made me stronger and wiser. 

I will share stories and accept your stories if a bullying blog takes off.

I hope it does because we all have stories to tell and read about..

A BULLY FIGHT AND THE BULLY TAKES A BEATING

There was a bully by the name of Gary. He was the good old fashioned type who tried to intimidate anyone who would show any weakness. I met him in grade school. He was about twelve years old as was I. One day he was pitching softball in gym class. He made a slow pitch game into his own fast pitch game and started throwing balls at everyone's heads who came up to bat.

He had a lot of kids scared to death. He threw punches to our stomachs and heads. I was sick to my stomach with fear and he didn't even have me as a primary target. No one hit back.

He was like a blond haired, skinny monster who kept getting scarier and scarier as the school year went on. The day of reckoning did  come for Gary. He decided to challenge a really tough kid who was not a total bully but a sometime bully who was a savage fighter.

Gary told everyone he was not afraid of Jerry and wanted to meet him at the park to have a fight. The day of the fight came and it seemed that about 200 kids showed up to watch. There was nothing much to see. Gary went at Jerry fists flying swinging out of control. Jerry just stood still, blocked a few punches and grabbed Gary by the throat. Jerry hit him in the nose sending Gary spinning and Gary was  beaten immediately. He backed up but he couldn't get away from the charging Jerry.

Jerry caught him and then put him in a headlock and hit him in the face with about eight brutally hard, perfectly placed uppercuts. Gary's face looked like it had gone through a meet grinder. His nose and mouth were bleeding heavily as Jerry finally let screaming Gary out of the headlock. 

Jerry stood there, having hardly gotten a workout smiling at Gary. He didn't even smile with cocky pride. Gary was to lame to even be counted as a worthwhile victory for Jerry.

The kids all walked away mumbling about how really tough Jerry was and mumbling I told you soh's about what a chickenshit piece of crap Gary really was. The question was why had anyone ever let Gary shove them around? The answer was obvious. Everyone was afraid to stand up to Gary.

TRUMP IS THE BULLY WHO IS LOWER THAN WHALE SHIT

Donald Trump called Stormy Daniels "horseface". So big deal! Who cares? Is that an official act of misconduct by Trump? She nicknamed Trump "tiny" an amusing reference to Trumps penis. Again, I say. So what? People can make demeaning comments if they want to. This is still America. 

In fact, Trump deserves huge doses of his own insulting, demeaning, sexist, and mean spirited medicine. Why don't people who are offended by Trump get real nasty with the creep? He is a chickenshit, nothing burger who deserves to be treated like the low life he is. He is lower than whale shit, the lowest form of waste in the universe.

Meanwhile, a question remains for all who must oppose Trump?  How do you stand up to Trump's bullying style? People must learn how to fight him because he represents so many bad candidates and objectives that cannot prevail. 

Taking the high road when combating him by using logic, reason or any form of civility is useless.   
He is an irrational crazy, wild, mindless animal immune to logical thinking who only knows how to attack to get what he wants. 

So, you go head on with Trump. He is not very smart. He seems close to being illiterate.
When any person, anytime, anywhere is bullied by Trump he should be fought in a dirty, ferocious, relentless way. Those are his tactics which have worked beautifully. Anyone who opposes him about anything better understand that reality. 

    
Trump is an immature, ignorant, abusive man-child having the mentality of a nine year old with arrested development always ready to bully anyone who will take his rhetorical crap. But, he is dangerous. Trashing him with guttural tactics is the only answer for one who must battle Trump politically.. 

Consider the people he avoids taunting and usually doesn't even mention. Strongmen. Putin, Kim Jung Un,  Robert Mueller, They scare him. Any bully instinctively knows who to stay away from. Trump is such a chickenshit he won't even fire anyone face to face. 

He was so scared in Helsinki standing next to Russian dictator Vladimir Putin he could hardly open his mouth to this KGB killer and  our mortal enemy. He couldn't tell him to stop meddling in our elections as was planned. I thought  In fact, I thought would see Donnie's pee trickling onto the floor.

As for all those losers who ran against Trump in the 2016 Republican nominations they did not have a clue on how to deal with bully Trump. Ted Cruz, Jeb Bush, Marco Rubio, John Kasich were not babes in the woods or newcomers to smash mouth politics. But, Trump ran over them like a fullback runs over weak defenders. He had no fear of any of them. He knew they were all afraid of his ability to talk trash to people who wanted to hear trash talk.

 Those contenders were psychologically unprepared to take on a fast talking con man like Trump who knows instinctively how to hustle the crowds. Good hustlers pick up on people quickly and know how to play them for however they need to. Money, votes, sex, or whatever. Trump understands that. "Lock her up" and the rest of Trumps platform was a stroke of genius. He ran with it.

.Trump took all his contenders into the gutter in his unfiltered, ferocious, unfiltered style nicknames and language they could not compete against. None of those guys had the sense to get in his face. They should have remembered what they learned in the playground. They should have gone low and scared Trump away.  

In fact, I think Hillary Clinton blew the 2016 election by allowing Trump to bully her on stage when they were both debating in front of the country. Trump hoovered around her and intimidated the shit out of fragile Hillary.  
When Trump was breathing down her neck while she was trying to speak she should have stopped talking, pointed her finger in his face while telling him to back off. If he would not back off she should have screamed at him until he did. He would have. 

He was supposedly too uncivilized for his supposedly civilized opponents and voters. He violated all the established standards of behavior for a candidate. Then he won the 2016 Presidential election.

 Now, think about the history of people we know of  who had to become radical, rebellious, irrational, audacious, and seemingly insane to find their audience.

  A few are Rush Limbaugh, Richard Pryor, Howard Stern, George Carlin, Bill Maher, Sarah Palin,  They ended up  phenomenally successful only because of their uninhibited, unconventional and many times grotesque styles of appealing to the audience.

If they all were not willing to say and do things which were very offensive and off color and intended to shock and offend their audience they likely would never had become supremely successful.

When people are willing to go to any length to get attention sometimes they get away with amazing shockingly improper behavior. . 

Trump used his naturally charismatic style which  all good con men innately have in playing to his audiences. He new that normal behavior would never win the election. He knew his limitations. 

What he did not know but soon learned was that there was a universe of disenchanted people out there who were waiting for a lunatic like Trump to come along and lead them against the forces the hate. It was kind of l like long ago when many of us were waiting for someone to come along to protest the evil Vietnam war. We didn't know we were but we knew it when it happened. It was right.

First the old establishment school thought that violent punishment against protesters would work to stop them.. Then, the President had to refuse to run again because the anger about the war had caught on. People were joyous that there was organized opposition to a bad war. 

Same principle with Trump only one big difference. The Vietnam protesters were sane and right in their cause.They fought against for a worthy cause. Peace

Trump does not want a peaceful nation. He is insane and wrong about what he wants to do to this nation. He wants to use his spoiled brat bully tactics to bring down the whole world just for his personal shits and giggles.  He wants a fascist regime because he is incapable of following anyone else. He needs the entire spotlight. He has no purpose because he is not trying to accomplish anything but just keeping the game going. He is the ultimate baby screaming for attention.  His rattle is his floating cabinet and appointees.He just wants to keep bullying most of the country as he has. 

 Does anyone think Trump really cares whether he is a Republican or Democrat? No. Do you think he cares about immigration? No.  All he cares about is making money, not going to jail, and keeping his flimsy base intact. 

Go out and vote in the mid terms so hes has no more power. If he loses the House he is finished.

Chicago Cab Driver Beats Up Dope Dealer

This punk called for a ride in my cab. He gets in the car after making me wait for about 15 minutes while he walked down into the street from his garbage can of an apartment building. He got in the cab and I asked "where would you like to go, sir"? This gross looking little asshole immediately buried his face in his cell phone. He answers me, "just drive straight ahead'. I'll tell you where to go".

He  is immediately very absorbed in an obviously shady conversation about where to meet someone to make a drop off. That is what I can interpret. Seems like a dope deal getting set up

 I didn't care but I still wanted to know what part of town we were going to. It is Chicago after all.. I drive another couple blocks and then he says "turn here". It was into a street that goes right to the most dangerous ghetto  in Chicago. I got even more concerned when he mumbled that we have to make more stops along the way after the first one.

 I  decided I was not going to be his escort  driving him to lethal destinations and sit there waiting for him to take care of his customers. I was scared shitless of sitting  in my cab and standing out like a neon sign, a whiter then rice looking older guy being a sitting duck for any low life who targeted me. I knew I was in trouble and that I was on my own to get out of it..There was no time for cell phone calls to the police and something in me would just not let me drive away.

 He directs me to the first address and there are some gang bangers out on a lawn. That told me the story for sure.. They all recognize this guy. One screams "where you been?" "No worries my brothers" " When the Dr. says he's coming he's coming".

The rat gets out of the cab and goes off to a semi-sheltered spot by the house with one guy and I see a fast exchange of a bag going out and a wad of money going into the dealers hands..The dealer. counts the wad and salutes goodbye to his customers..He then looks back a me and signals he will be right back. I'm shaking now because I know what I have to do..

Th dealer.engages in a little more small talk and walks back toward my cab. He then gets in and says" now we're going a few blocks away." I spoke as forcefully as I could. . "How many spots we got to hit"? I asked.hoping he would say  one or two more and Iwould  not have to act.. I didn't want a confrontation with this thug.

 I'll tell you later" he snaps.You just drive" "We got a bunch of things to do" Now, I am getting pissed besides being just plain scared. Again, someone had made me a victim. Just like in the schoolyard I think to myself.  Here's another bully who will abuse me until I won't take it anymore.

I stop the cab and turn around and look at this scum. "Hey man, why you stop? he asks. I opened my door and jumped out of the cab and went to his door. I was petrified. I am  no match for almost. I also thought he
 may have a gun or knife. But, I had made my decision..

 I open his door. "Would you step out sir, this ride is over" " I do not have to drive anyone who I feel unsafe with and I feel unsafe with you". Motherfucker" he screams in my face with a stinky breath and gleaming yellow teeth. "You ain't throwing me out" I'm not done here"

He starts  trying to get out of the car and go for  me. I hold his door closed for a second. Then I backed up and let him out. He came at me. I pivoted on the curb, and then I smashed him in the face as hard as I could as he got out of the door..

My right fist connected hard.. Blood shot out of his nose which cracked like a tree branch.. I put my knee in his chest as he fell and held my hand around his neck as he hit the ground..

"More"? I said " with a cocked fist above his busted face.."Your crazy man" he said.. I'll find you and hurt you bad"
 "No you won't asshole" "You have better things to do" And, I'll get you busted" "

The fare is on me I said as I stood up and walked back into my cab".
He was on the ground holding his busted nose as I drove away..

"Take the bus next time".I yelled..

My Life Being Bullied

 I started to write down the names of all the people who have bullied me, both physically and psychologically, in my life and I realize that I could write forever about those experiences. It all started when I was a very little boy. I was afraid to fight back when I was harassed and soon everyone had my number. Even though I was popular and a good athlete bullies would find me and pick up on my vulnerability.


So, eventually at school, in the playground, at a party or the movies, anywhere at all, a bully would test me and see that I would not stand up for myself. So, besides the shame and disgrace I felt then I would have to constantly be fearful of being around that guy. Hyper vigilance and constant anxiety became the cornerstones of my existence.


I am now 65 years old and things have not changed except the ages of the people who test me to see if I will become their victim. I can still be easily intimidated if a bully knows what to say or do to get in my head.


I have used so much mental energy torturing myself because of the continual shame and repulsion I have felt that even after being in therapy, taking medicine, engaging in cognitive behavior therapy, and sharing my innermost thoughts about my terribly damaged ego and lack of self esteem I cannot seem to get any lasting relief.

I am constantly in fear of events occurring that I cannot control but feel I must react to..Threats. Even irrational ones. It does not matter. A neighbor playing loud music, a dog barking nearby that is creating a disturbance, a bully in the street I see taking advantage of someone who cannot defend themselves, or any other situation where I feel that I will have to stand up and walk through the wall of fear to confront the bully behind the disturbance..


I am either afraid to act and do nothing and afterward will torture myself for cowardliness. Or, I face the fear and confront a person I think is a bully. Very often for the wrong reasons. I often end up not accomplishing my objective of resolving the problem but only exacerbate it. Sometimes, I do solve my perception of a bullying problem only to have another similar situation quickly appear.


Long ago I learned to face fear even if it is not justified. I just desperately need the release of facing the fear that I could not face when I was a little boy. I learned how to step into the mouth of terror often for the wrong reasons and then sometimes suffer terrible consequences. There is no winning . The aftermath is still feeling bullied by needing to correct a situation I should have never created.The victory can only be achieved in my mind. Self acceptance is my eternal quest.



It turns out that many of my actions were not about helping the victim, whether the victim is myself or another person but about resolving something that I should have resolved internally. Sometimes it is not bullying, it is my bullied personality creating or distorting a problem. If I were not so sensitized to any situation that could upset my delicate anti-bullying equilibrium I would filter out real situations from ones that I just blew up incorrectly.


It's a.painful life being bullied or being a victim.

Bully Fight: Jerry and Gary

There was a bully by the name of Gary. He was the good old fashioned type who tried to intimidate anyone who would show any weakness. I met him in grade school. He was about twelve years old as was I.
One day he was pitching softball in gym class. He made a slow pitch game into his own fast pitch game and started throwing balls at everyone's heads who came up to bat.

He had a lot of kids scared to death.  He threw punches to our stomachs and heads. I was sick to my stomach with fear and he didn't even have me as a primary target.. No one hit back.

He was like a blond haired, skinny monster who kept getting scarier and scarier as the school year went on.
The day of reckoning did  come for Gary. He decided to challenge a really tough kid who was not a total bully but  a sometime bully who was a savage fighter.

Gary told everyone he was not afraid of Jerry and wanted to meet him at the park to have a fight. The day of the fight came and it seemed that about 200 kids showed up to watch. There was nothing much to see. Gary went at Jerry fists flying swinging out of control. Jerry just stood still, blocked a few punches and grabbed Gary by the throat. Jerry hit him in the nose sending Gary spinning and Gary was  beaten immediately. He backed up but he couldn't get away from the charging Jerry..

Jerry caught him and then put him in a headlock and hit him in the face with about eight brutally hard, perfectly placed uppercuts. Gary's face looked like it had gone through a meet grinder. His nose and mouth were bleeding heavily as Jerry finally let screaming Gary out of the headlock.

Jerry stood there, having hardly gotten a workout smiling at Gary. He didn't even smile with cocky pride. Gary was to lame to even be counted as a worthwhile victory for Jerry..

The kids all walked away mumbling about how really tough Jerry was and mumbling I told you soh's about what a chickenshit piece of crap Gary really was. The question was why had anyone ever let Gary shove them around? The answer was obvious.

Everyone was afraid to stand up to Gary .

Kindergartener Kicked In The Balls

My first day of school which was about about 60 years ago. I remember crying and screaming as my mother dropped me off at kindergarten. I walked toward the entrance timidly when she left me at the entrance with a bunch of other kids who were also just starting school.

A boy named Larry walked up to me and said "hi". I'm Larry. I said hi back. He then asked me "have you ever been kicked in the balls"? I said "no". He then kicked me right in my 5 year old nuts. I started to cry hysterically from the pain and the shame.

I used to see Larry each day and avoided him for the entire 8 years I was in grade school. I tried to get out of going back to school the next day. by telling my mom I was scared of Larry. She said "don't worry honey, just stay away from bad boys like that". 

Larry wasn't even one of the cool kids or tough kids I later discovered.. He was just a kid who felt like he could get away with bullying me and he was right.

I am still angry at him. I am angrier at myself.

Bullied For Life

I started to write down the names of all the people who have bullied me, both physically and psychologically, in my life and I realize that I could write forever about those experiences. It all started when I was a very little boy. I was afraid to fight back when I was harassed and soon everyone had my number. Even though I was popular and a good athlete bullies would find me and pick up on my vulnerability.

So, eventually at school, in the playground, at a party or the movies, anywhere at all, a bully would test me and see that I would not stand up for myself. So, besides the shame and disgrace I felt then I would have to constantly be fearful of being around that guy. Hyper vigilance and constant anxiety became the cornerstones of my existence.

I am now 65 years old and things have not changed except the ages of the people who test me to see if I will become their victim. I can still be easily intimidated if a bully knows what to say or do to get in my head.

I have used so much mental energy analyzing myself because of the continual shame and repulsion I have felt that even after being in therapy, taking medicine, engaging in cognitive behavior therapy, and sharing my innermost thoughts about my terribly damaged ego and lack of self esteem I cannot seem to get any lasting relief.

I am constantly in fear of events occurring that I cannot control but feel I must react to..Threats. A neighbor playing loud music, a dog barking nearby that is creating a disturbance, a bully in the street I see taking advantage of someone who cannot defend themselves, or any other situation where I feel that I will have to stand up and walk through the wall of fear to confront the bully.

I am either afraid to act and do nothing and afterward will torture myself for cowardliness. Or, I face the fear and confront a person I think is a bully for the wrong reasons. I often end up not accomplishing my objective of resolving the problem but exacerbate it. Sometimes, I do solve my perception of a bullying problem only to have another similar situation quickly appear.

Long ago I learned to face fear even if it is not justified. I just need the release of facing the fear that I could not face when I was a little boy. I learned how to step into the mouth of terror often for the wrong reasons and then suffer terrible consequences. The aftermath is still feeling bullied by needing to correct a situation I should have never created.

It turns out that many of my actions were not about  helping the victim, whether the victim is myself or another person but about resolving something that I should have resolved internally. Sometimes it is not bullying, it is my bullied personality creating or distorting a problem. If I were not so sensitized to any situation that could upset my delicate anti-bullying equilibrium I would filter out real situations from ones that I just blew up incorrectly in my mind..

It's a.painful life being a bully or a victim.