I was just a little five year old boy waiting in line to be let into my first grade class. It was 1953 at a Chicago Elementary school named De-Witt Clinton located on the north side of the city where I grew up.
It was the first day of the semester and I did not know many of the forty or so kids in line also waiting to go to their first day of class.
For no reason a boy I had never seen before walked in front of me and said "Hey kid, ever been kicked in the balls?"
"No", I innocently answered.
He then kicked me squarely in my small crotch. I doubled over in pain, went down, and started to cry.
As I caught my breath and stood up the last thing on my mind was hitting or retaliating against him. I was too scared and ashamed.
The other kids standing around laughed at my misery. They taunted me mercilessly. "Fight, fight, fight," they screamed.
I felt humiliated and victimized.
I already knew what bullying was and had seen it done to others.
I knew I had been had.
Instinctively, I knew that attacking Larry, who was standing there laughing, was theonly move but I was too afraid to act.
I could not overcome that horrid feeling of being afraid to fight..
That was the first time I remember being bullied. It would not be the last.
Many others also bullied me throughout my life.
I did not stand up for myself or others countless times because I was scared to. Being intimidated became part of my soul.
That nauseating feeling of fear turned out to be the core of my frightened existence.
Being intimidated and cowardly has been the paralyzing demon that has controlled my mind. Either actions or words can cow me.
After being targeted continually I learned quickly that bullies can be dealt with by guys with the courage to fight which I did not have.
I never learned until much later there were other ways to deal with bullies.
So, I became more and more incapacitated around people who I judged to be tough and macho.
A bullying victim must suffer devastating consequences both internally and externally. I did and do.
Even after much therapy and understanding that my fears of being bullied are usually irrational and incorrect it did not change the self loathing I have always felt.
Much later in life I would intentionally face terrifying and dangerous situations to rid myself of the feeling of being a coward.
I faced and fought bullies.
I would feel better for a while or conversely make a situation much worse when retaliating against someone who I thought had physically or mentally bullied me.
Either way, the feeling of fear always returned.
Another bully has always been there because the real bully is my mind.
I have not been able to live with the incurable emotion that I will always be vulnerable around people who intimidate me.
I have struggled valiantly to the point that I now have to resist the impulse to fight rather then surrender to it.
Like any addiction (ocd) demands resisting an urge. I am better now but it is like carrying boulders on my shoulders each day.
It is always flight or fight in my tormented mind. It's a paradox because whether I fight or fly the cowardly feeling in me waits patiently to take charge again.
Now, it's mostly words and deeds rather than physical action. But, it is all the same in my brain.
My life is all about relieving that intimidated feeling that never rests. The answer lies in self acceptance.
It can be found at times and than vanishes.
I'm perpetually on guard for any situation where I fear I may get that cowardly feeling in my stomach and mistakenly think that only facing fear will relieve it.
Allowing the feeling of fear to desensitize without doing anything is the real answer. That comes with much therapy. (ocd) Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is tough as nails to battle but therapy works.
I learned that the real objective is to accept the fearful feelings and not flee from them but let them live without becoming paralyzed by them.
I continue the endless battle to not react to those around me who instill fear in me.
Now, not acting out is my answer but I cannot ever forget what Larry did to me.
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