Showing posts with label ocd. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ocd. Show all posts

Saturday, September 23, 2017

OCD All Over Me Again

Same old OCD torment again.. This urge to confront a guy I play softball with is overwhelming.. I know that nothing good could come of it. I do not have anything against this guy.. But, I feel I must act out again to prove some kind of distorted courage to myself..

 I am all overwhelmed and anxiety ridden about seeing him on the field tomorrow. It feels like there can be no relief unless I confront him about a perceived issue that he already apologized for.

It is the same lifelong urge that makes an ocd person  check the lights or the stove or do a million other things to feel relief.. Only mine can get dangerous because I need apologies or physical contact to get relief.. Usually, that only makes the  OCD .urge more complicated.

 Fear of the feeling of anxiety eating away is my issue.

So, I get  a reckless idea as to how to relieve it. Many times the solutions are dangerous. I have ended up in the hospital, in jail, in mental wards, and  always living with terrible OCD thoughts for long periods of time while trying to create unsuccessful  personal solutions.

Only doing nothing about OCD urges is the solution other then therapy and medicine.

Yet, figuring out persoanl solutions seem the only way to relieve the sickening anxiety I am feeling right now. It is always the same thing. There have been countless situations like this. But, I do not evedr learn that the solutions lie within..

I know that doing nothing other then applying my knowledge to this current situation is the answer. Self acceptance is critical but I cannot take comfort in it for very long.

 All the intellectual understanding in the world fails me. Medicine helps somewhat but not enough. Peace lies within my tortured mind but I can not attach my brain to that peace for very long.

 I will now start to do the work again. I know what to do and how to do it.but I do't have the mental courage.

I will not act out on this episode.I will take the first step again to deal with my OCD from within. .

Sunday, January 22, 2017

I Cannot Sneeze

I Cannot Sneeze

A Story by David Stein
" 

I am afflicted by an unusual condition. I am a 67 year old man who cannot complete a sneeze. There is nothing medically causing the problem. I have not sneezed in six months. I have tried every trick.

 "
I have a weird, unusual, condition. I continually get stuck sneezes. I get the urge to sneeze. I go Ahhh but the Choo will not come. This has been happening almost everyday for about the last eight months. I do occasionally complete a sneeze. It seems I finally sneeze just about the time I am totally out of my mind from not being able to do so.
 
I have researched this problem for hundreds of hours. No good answers. I have discovered a very rare condition named “Asneezia” that kind of describes my problem. I am sure this condition is psychological. I have not sneezed in the last 5 weeks. I have only sneezed a total of about 5 times in the last eight months. I get the urge to but then I cannot release the sneeze. It is like an orgasm that cannot be completed. . I have asked everyone I know including various Doctors and they have no answer. Everyone tells me it is totally irrelevant whether a person ever sneezes or does not sneeze long as they do not try to stifle it. That can possibly cause infection in the ears and sinuses. That information does not console me.
 
This problem has me totally obsessed, uncomfortable, nervous and depressed all the time. I keep waiting for the next urge to sneeze to come. It usually does at least once a day but then I cannot fulfill the act. I get more and more depressed each time I fail to sneeze. The only research I have found about this problem being medical is with people who have had strokes. Sometimes their brainstem and medulla will not allow the sneeze reflex to work properly. But then there are usually other reflex problems like inability to swallow and yawn that accompany stroke victims. I have none of those symptoms.
 
This all started one day when a friend who was talking to me saw me go Ahhh.. She said “now go Choo” .I concentrated on what she said, got distracted, and lost the sneeze urge. I immediately got self conscious about sneezing and started focusing on it and obsessing about it. Ever since then my sneezing has been abnormal. I can actually feel myself stopping the reflex and aborting sneezes. The times I have sneezed in the last eight months are usually when I do not expect to. I never had sneezing problems before. In fact, I never even thought about sneezing. I do not ever remember not being able to sneeze when I wanted to. Now, sneezing is all I can think about.
 
Help. I am a 57 year old male in very good physical condition. My very neurotic mind is another story. I have suffered from many O.C.D related issues including severe anxiety and hypochondria. The main concern I have is to find someone out there who understands this inability to complete a sneeze problem. Also, I would like to know for sure it is psychological and will not hurt me physically.
 
Lately, I am thinking that the ability to sneeze normally will never return. I do occasionally complete a sneeze. It seems I sneeze just about the time I am totally out of my mind from not being able to do so. I have researched this problem for hundreds of hours. No good answers. I have found a very rare condition named“asneezia” that kind of describes my problem. I am sure this condition is psychological get the urge to but then I cannot release the sneeze. It is like an orgasm that will not climax. Everyone tells me it is totally irrelevant whether a person ever sneezes or does not sneeze as long as they do not try to stifle it. That can possibly cause infection in the ears and sinuses. That information does not console me. This problem has me totally obsessed, uncomfortable, nervous and depressed all the time. I keep waiting for the next urge to sneeze to come. It usually does at least once a day but then cannot fulfill the act. I get more and more depressed each time I fail to sneeze.
 
The only research I have found about this problem being medical is with people who have had strokes. Sometimes their brainstem and medulla will not allow the sneeze reflex to work properly. But then there are usually other reflex problems like inability to swallow and yawn that accompany stroke victims. I have none of those symptoms. This all started one day when a friend who was talking to me saw me go Ahhh. She said “now go Choo”. I concentrated on what she said, got distracted, and lost the sneeze urge. I immediately got self conscious about sneezing and started focusing on it and obsessing about it. Ever since then my sneezing has been abnormal. I can actually feel myself stopping the reflex and aborting sneezes. The times I have sneezed in the last eight months are usually when I do not expect to. I never had sneezing problems before. In fact, I never even thought about sneezing. I do not ever remember not being able to sneeze when I wanted to. Now, sneezing is all I can think about.
 
Anybody have answers? I am a 57 year old male in very good physical condition. My very neurotic mind is another story. I have suffered from many O.C.D related issues, anxiety and hypochondria. The main concern I have is to find someone out there who knows of this inability to complete a sneeze problem. Also, I would like to know if it is psychological and will not hurt me physically. Lately, I am thinking that the ability to sneeze normally will never return.


© 2016 David Stein



     Share This

My Review

David Stein

Points  



Reviews

I don't want to be an ass but this story sounds like complaining. Is that what you were aiming for? I clicked on the title looking for comedy and this sounds like real life complaining. You could make some rhymes to make it more interesting to keep a reader reading. For instance you take this sentence "I go Ahhh but the Choo will not come." Just add "Through" at the end and you have a fun rhyme. I am a very amateur writer so take this review with a grain of salt.

Posted 8 Months Ago

Did you find this review constructive? [yes] [no]

[comment] [send message] [report review] [delete]

Share This
Subscribe Subscribe


Stats

93 Views
1 Review
Rating
Added on May 18, 2016
Last Updated on May 18, 2016

Author


Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Celebrating Freedom From OCD

I am celebrating today. My obsessive compulsive mind is clear. It's a miracle. I am old now and have been perpetually  plagued each day with one OCD thought or another for 50 years.

 The problem for me are the thoughts I feel I have to act out on to relieve the overwhelming anxiety that keeps me in bed many days and keeps me swallowing valiums and xanaxes to function at all..

But, not today. Today, thankfully my mind is clear. So far. I have no obsessive thoughts tormenting me. I have no dangerous missions to accomplish such as confronting someone who offended me.  I am savoring this moment.

There was a guy who I had insulted and I humiliated who said he would never forgive me. I could not stand the mental anguish and fear of knowing his feelings. I had to get his forgiveness. I was afraid to go where he went, to see his car, to talk to others who know him simply because all of those triggered a feeling of needing to apologize to him which I thought would make it worse and more complicated..

I have made those kind of situations worse many times in the past. Trying to talk or meet with someone who did not want to deal with me.
.
I did not think he would accept my amends. Finally, after six months I ran into him by accident. I apologized and he shook hands with me. Ahhh. What relief.

But, that still left another guy who I played ball with. I had tortured myself about allowing him to verbally bully me on the field by allowing him to bark orders to me about how I should play my position. I tormented myself for not speaking up to him when the bullying was happening. I dreaded going tothe  softball games that are played several times a week.

I was in  a hyper vigilant state yesterday again waiting to see him because he did not come to the games regularly.Also, I did not know what I would say to avoid exacerbating a conflict he did not even know existed. Finally, I saw him yesterday and apologized for any problem we had in the past which he admitted he was totally unaware of. But, that apology took him off my mind.The interaction did it.

At the same time, with both of these people I kept trying to convince myself that I could resolve my issues internally. I tried again and again, as I have always done in the past to convince myself that I did not need to do anything other then accept, refocus and revalue using the cognitive thinking.I have practiced for so long  unsuccessfully..

The "it's not me it's my ocd" chant works But, cognitive therapy is an excruciating mental process.

 Adjusting my mind to the anguish and struggling that comes from OCD is a ferocious task. Applying cognitive thinking  seems so much harder then just acting on a compulsion. But, that is a lie. It just feels good to say that this moment when I am free from the constraints of a demented, obsessive mind..

Well, in the end dealing with each person directly eliminated the problem. Cleverly making contact with both and apologizing, extinguished each  issue but at a huge mental price. Not the correct method but...oh well!!.

Solutions come from within especially with mental illness.

But those are only two out of so many other similar situations. Some  have turned out very badly. I have driven myself crazy, driven others crazy, had my life torn apart  by some random person who I thought I had to settle something with but who did not see things my way.. I have been put in jail, been put on probation, been beaten up, you name it, all to relieve a problem that anyone would have easily dismissed with no action..

I have stayed at home for days obsessed about something or been outside but living in my own hell.and not present except physically.

 I know there is so much work to be done to transform my life to menatal health without having to confront people to feel better.

The demons are resting now.
 It's time to work hard on the inside of myself to keep those demons quiet..

I know that is the only solution.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Boy Toy Goes Lymph Cause Viagra Does Not Work

Here I am at Dunkin Donuts blogging about my crazed, sad life. You see, just a few days ago l was living the life of luxury one would expect from a boy toy. I was with my older but glamorous sugar mama eating dinner at the fanciest restaurants, getting pedicures, going to plays. The whole nine yards. In return, I spent my time with her, in large part, enjoying our bodies locked together in the same  passion and bliss we have seemingly had forever.

Then, it was time to take her back to airport so she could get back to her real other life. I am merely filler as much as she says she loves me which she has proven over and over. However, not enough to throw in the towel on the high life and become a slave to my neediness and neurosis.

It was just a few weeks ago that I went off to Arizona with my mamas blessing to pursue an old relationship. Things were all set for me to find a 24/7 mama who I had had a relationship with years before.

When the moment of truth came the stinking Viagra would not work. My ticket to ride into this persons life was through a great sexual experience as we had had in the past and all I had to offer was a lymph dick, a still  talented tongue and a bunch of excuses about how the Viagra didn't work because of all the food and drink that had absorbed it's potency. It was a lame excuse. I needed my dick

 I flew home shortly thereafter and stayed in the house clinically depressed for several days. My sugar mama said to see a shrink and she would pay. I did.. He gave me a strong anti-depressant and a prescription that I actually filled for a long term SSRI 
 medicine for OCD and depression.

Here is hoping 

 

Saturday, March 9, 2013

OCD: Not Acting Out Is The Objective

I was working at a pizza place in Chicago a while back. There were many drivers working there and they represented a wide variety of individuals.  The ages ranged from 21 to 65 and I was one of the older ones who were generally not the objects of attention. However, being old did not give me any exemption from the OCD demons that have plagued me.

 I overheard a remark this guy made about Jewish people. I confronted him immediately.and he did not want to apologize and I would not let it go. I quit working there. I eventually came back there to confront him again. I ended up swinging at him. He threw me to the ground telling me to stop swinging or he would hurt me. I left but still could not get closure.

It ended a few months later with me begging him for forgiveness after I finally gathered the courage to go back there again to apologize. It was not about the Jewish remark anymore. It never had been. It was about how living with the remark had made me into an anxiety ridden mess. Like someone who is not allowed to check the door or stove again and again feels the urge ala Jack Nicholson in "As Good As It Gets".Same thing.

 I always think I have to confront anyone who has bullied me in some way. The bullying comes sometimes with another person making a comment to me or to someone else that offends me.
 It could be a remark about the Jewish religion. That's been a big area.

It's not that I am really sensitive when someone says something offensive about Jewish people. It's that I cannot feel comfortable about being around that person until I have confronted them about what they said.
 I usually respond but not in the perfect way I wanted to. Then, I start thinking about the what ifs.

 I become overwhelmed by the perceived insult or comment and cannot think about anything else until I get closure. I get nervous, jittery, anxious, scared about consequences and all the feelings one feels when they decide they will confront the schoolyard bully and wait fearfully to do it.

Relief usually comes from a successful confrontation. Successful means the person who made the remark, when challenged, apologizes or somehow shows that they  meant no insult. If that person gets angry at being challenged about a remark they are being called out on and they refuse to give me relief then the situation escalates. 

I will go back to that person again and again if I can. Or, I will become possessed by the remark replaying it over and over. It will occupy my mind for days, weeks, months, or even years.  It will take many forms until I actually forget about the original cause of my anxiety. So, I, am constantly the victim of my own mind.

That has been  happening forever. The irony is that it is usually not really about what I heard. It is about my sick mind staying tortured until I can get rid of the obsession to respond. I have the need to prove to myself again that I have the courage to stand up for myself or fight back. The courage I lacked and still lack in many instances.

 I was bullied when I was younger and tried for all these years to get over it. That's what my whole thing is about.  It's about not feeling safe and comfortable  until I confront the bully no matter what form the bully is in Just like being scared to stand up for myself when I was little and was afraid or unwilling to hit back.

It is always connected to a person I want to overcome the feeling of being intimidated by. It could start with a barking dog but it is always about confronting the owner. If the owner is a nice little lady I stop caring about the barking. The underlying factor is that I'm  looking for reassurance that I am not being bullied.

It has happened where a situation started with a remark a person made and it ends up with me apologizing to them, after me being unsuccessful in getting an apology. I desperately want the relief of getting closure with that person.  I cannot get my mind back until I do.

I have suffered brutally from this OCD condition in other areas.  Needing to explain myself when I think I have said or done something wrong. I slightly brushed against someones car a while back doing no damage. I could not stop going back to the car over and over checking it again. Then, even after a few weeks I hesitated going down the street where it was parked because it would trigger OCD feelings.

Fortunately, relief came by just accepting the feeling of living with the urge to check that car again knowing it was my OCD causing it. That was an accomplishment. Resolving that car thing from within was terrific. The real underlying fear was a confrontation with the owner of the car. I knew that but it is so hard not to act when the urge is there.

 I continually try to work OCD urges out in my mind and keep vowing to only do the work internally rather then acting out. It is hard. Even after lots of cognitive and talk therapy, SSRI medicines, I suffer terribly. Each day is filled with anxiety. but, not acting is a big achievement. Not acting out is the objective to OCD.

 It takes a lot of work but I'm way better now then in the past. The  real solution to relieving OCD urges is when you need only your own understanding to resolve them. That's real success.

But, it has not always worked that way. I have gotten into terrible trouble engaging people for no reason. The biggest victim has been myself. Most of my life has been tormented every day by some OCD situation preventing me from living.

So, the real bully is my inability to confront the OCD that lives within me and not act on it