OCD AND ME-A 71 YEAR JOURNEY WITH OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER

I'm a 71 year old male and I have suffered from (obsessive compulsive disorder) (ocd) since I was about 8 years old. 

A terrifying image of myself standing over my bed, dead tired, and continually jumping in and out of it but not being able to rest comes to mind.  

I was tormented then because my pillow was not precisely centered along a thin line that ran vertically from the top to the bottom of the headboard. It was driving me crazy trying trying to center it perfectly. 

I believed bad things would happen if I did not get it perfectly aligned. Fear and superstition were then and are still now the root of all obsessive compulsive disorders. 

 My tired little body was no match for my twisted mind which kept commanding me to get up again and again and line the pillow up better.  

Sweat streamed down my face and soaked my pajamas as I continued to jump in and out of bed trying to get that uncooperative pillow aligned to the satisfaction of my obsessive compulsive demons.

Finally, I passed out from the fatigue of being a frustrated, worn out little kid. That was not a temporary problem I would grow out of. It is now 71 years later and my ocd still rages on. 

There have been countless episodes of these same kinds of torturous experiences throughout my entire life. 

My symptoms changed from physical compulsions like washing hands, re-checking lights, not stepping on cracks, and many of the common ocd symptoms most people are familiar with to all mental ocd symptoms.    

The award winning movie " As Good As It Gets", starring Jack Nicholson captures ocd in a humorous, but sadly accurate way.  

My mental or pure ocd which started in my twenties became increasingly intense,  with relentless mental, repetitive, fearful thoughts and questions with no answers and no relief attainable ruminating through my brain. 

My thinking centered around facing irrational fears. Taking physically dangerous, risky actions was the bitter medicine I prescribed myself to get temporary relief.

My approach was metaphorically akin to jumping into a cage with a deadly lion just to get rid of the fear of doing it. 

I would relieve fear by crashing into it head first. It was              misdirected thinking that demonstrating insanity permanently cured ocd symptoms.  

My archaic, false definition of manhood was central to my distorted thinking. I believed that being macho proved manhood.

 Many times it would take months and years to actually follow through on certain dangerous actions or missions I assigned myself with no lasting relief.   

But, I could not get fearful thoughts out of my mind so into that lions cage I would eventually jump ravaging my psyche for any path to get peace of mind.

Many times I would make a bad situation much worse and I would have to start the whole mentally torturous process over again after performing some crazy action that failed. 

Or, if I did succeed in eliminating an obsession than quickly another obsession of equal or greater torment would emerge. 
 Seeking danger, and finding the courage to face it was all I used to understand to ease my anguish. I walked around terrified because I am no warrior.

My world was my lopsided brain swirling around like a gyroscope spinning the same painful thoughts constantly. They all centered around facing unnecessary fear. 
What if, what if, and more what ifs became my internal language as I anticipated taking crazy actions with scary consequences. 

I only wanted relief. That was my only motive for jumping in the cages of many dangerous lions. 

I felt only gratitude if I had not been hurt, killed, thrown in jail, or put in an insane asylum after I survived an insane action I took. 
I have lived a life of flight or fight everyday for 63 years.

The central theme of my particular ocd symptoms has been proving I am not a coward and could not be bullied. The reality is that no amount of insane acts of facing danger or standing up for myself has eliminated that cowardly little boy inside of me or has given me inner peace. 


Confrontation is my tool that always takes charge of my thinking. I chased a guy around for twenty years who bullied me when I was 12 years old at the local park. I met him at a train station 25 years after we had last seen each other. I provoked a fight with him and I got the worst of it. 

He stood over me as I went down and he told me I was lucky he was not going to kick my head in.
He left yelling that I was immature and I had not grown up as I crawled on all fours watching him walk away.  

I could not live with just letting that episode go even though I did not have one drop of violence in me toward him or anyone. My crusades were only about finding relief through some distorted definition I had of what manhood and courage was.   

I decided I wanted a rematch with this guy and it took several anxiety, fear ridden years to even find him again. I knew nothing of his life since we were kids.  

Then, after a very long and totally crazy search I ran into him again by accident and we had another encounter I provoked where I ended up on top of him. An intense severe desire to apologize to him developed after it ended. I wanted him to know i was not dangerous. 
I needed his understanding and forgiveness.  

  This strange saga went on ad nauseum  until I finally found his phone number.  To my amazement, when I gathered the courage to call him, he allowed me to apologize.  Even that was not enough for me to let the obsession with him go. 
Think of that? 

 I then wanted to talk to him in person to confirm that we were good.. He finally ended up taking me to court to stop my renewed pursuit. Even that did not stop me because I still felt I had not explained myself satisfactorily. 
Just like the pillow.
I could not get it right. 

I was told by the lawyers and the judge that it was a condition of my probation that I never contact him or get near him again or I would go to jail.  

While on probation and against all orders and sensibility I again contacted him via a letter trying to explain my ocd condition. I felt I was compelled to write to release my mind from the inhumane prison I had not been released from. 
I was willing to risk my freedom for one more chance to get relief. 

  I sent the letter. He did not turn me in and that ended that horrid saga. It was a miracle he did not go right to the lawyers and judge.
I got away with that one but I did not get away with the next one. 

 I ended up fighting with some guy who was in an altercation with his girlfriend. 

I only started that fight because the guy scared me for months without ever saying a word to me. He had me bullied with his looks. He ended up almost permanently blinding me from the right hand he slammed into my eyeball.  

 I had told him to stop hassling his girlfriend one night in the hallway floor of the high rise where we were neighbors. It was nothing and none of my business.  He said fuck you. Get away from me. I  started to go back into my apartment  but he started yelling at his girlfriend again. I screamed at him to leave her alone. 

He  came back at me wild eyed and it was lights out. The result was a blinded eye, broken eardrum, rattled brain and the emergency room. For nothing. I only fought with him to prove the same manhood shit. 

My girlfriend at the time nursed me back to health and then she dumped me for being a crazy fool. She was right. She knew I did it out of ocd and not nobility.

Example of my condition. A person is playing loud music next door to me. I break out into palpitating anxiety as I listen maybe for several days for more music. I knock on the door and politely ask that the music be turned down.

If the person apologizes and does not act with hostility or in a threatening manner then I never care again about any noise coming from that apartment. 

Same for other issues involving me feeling victimized by disturbances like barking dogs, loud noises or other situations where I felt like a victim. 

If the answer from the person is angry or was a get out of my face answer my life would immediately be ruined. My mind would not let me stop thinking about that apartment. 

I would start trying to find a way to make peace with that person and if I could not I would rationalize that I wanted to find a new apartment.

That is a taste of how a big part of my life has been. In reality I'm just a nice Jewish boy whose brain was really derailed by genetic flaws. 

However, I am blessed to be healthy, free, and having a great life despite my insanity. I am much better now after lots of hard work on my head.

 I used to believe I had to say and do fearful, terrifying, dangerous acts or something bad would happen. 

Now, I cope with my ocd demons with words and actions that are restricted to my own, safe, trustworthy and lasting coping mechanisms. I no longer have to be afraid of what I will do with ocd urges. I will do nothing outside of  the confines my mind. All work is done in my internal premises. 
. 
Knowing that acting out is futile and destructive 100% of the time is my new reality. It took many long years and much suffering to accept myself with the flaws in my personality. But, the payoff in peace of mind and tranquility is well worth it.

 I admit, Staying in control is brutally hard. Emotions are so strong with any addiction. Now, there is no more self imposed, legal, medical, or personal trouble. I fear no consequences of aberrant behavior. I do not do it. 

I realized that permanent solutions come from within. I am rewarded daily for not acting out because there are so many triggers tempting all of us addicts.  

I've gotten better by changing how I think, live, interact, and relate. I am in recovery and have been for a long time. I know about recovery from being in Gamblers Anonymous (GA) for over 11 years without placing a bet. 

All addictions are very similar. They are all nothing but abnormal urges. It is just about how they are coped with. Tough stuff to accept but accepting powerlessness is the only answer no matter what you are addicted to. Throw up that white flag.

I am powerless and I always will be over my addictions so I do not act on them.

I never realized, as I do now, that I had an incurable disease. I could never surrender and say "David, you cannot cure this condition by any external measures. The solution lies only within. 

I have learned how to talk to become friends with myself. It works.

 Medicine,  meditation, therapy, support groups, working out, writing and talking to others does wonders for ocd sufferers and for other addictive disorders. Just stop wasting that good mind. 

Ocd comes in so many forms. It is a supremely complex condition that only a very small percentage of people are afflicted with to a serious degree. Everyone understands ocd to some degree but are  far from being incapacitated from it. Then there is us.   

 Fortunately, the mind is a resilient structure. Change the focus and the picture becomes different quickly. That is not an easy assignment as many of you know.      

 My ocd and all ocd boils down to a fear of living with anxiety and fear. Sounds simple and logical but it is not.
The triggers are so emotional and irrational that it is very hard to think logically when that dog barks or that person insults me.    

It's not me it's my ocd is an easy concept to understand intellectually but a brutally hard concept to apply emotionally.

But, it can be done and provides real relief if one can accept it.   

 So, it is real progress when that ocd urge takes second position to the comfort of knowing that you do not have to do anything externally to cope with it. 

One just has to realize what is happening with our addictions whatever they are. 

That is relief. No more jumping into the cage with the lion.
OCD cannot be cured so why try.  Addictions cannot be cured. Only arrested. That is as good as it gets and that is good enough.
My fight is over. 
End your fight.

Surrender and get help.
Now.  
It's the only answer.
Go to Google.

  

OCD: Not Acting Out Is The Objective

I was working at a pizza place in Chicago a while back. There were many drivers working there and they represented a wide variety of individuals.  The ages ranged from 21 to 65 and I was one of the older ones who were generally not the objects of attention. However, being old did not give me any exemption from the OCD demons that have plagued me.

 I overheard a remark this guy made about Jewish people. I confronted him immediately.and he did not want to apologize and I would not let it go. I quit working there. I eventually came back there to confront him again. I ended up swinging at him. He threw me to the ground telling me to stop swinging or he would hurt me. I left but still could not get closure.

It ended a few months later with me begging him for forgiveness after I finally gathered the courage to go back there again to apologize. It was not about the Jewish remark anymore. It never had been. It was about how living with the remark had made me into an anxiety ridden mess. Like someone who is not allowed to check the door or stove again and again feels the urge ala Jack Nicholson in "As Good As It Gets".Same thing.

 I always think I have to confront anyone who has bullied me in some way. The bullying comes sometimes with another person making a comment to me or to someone else that offends me.
 It could be a remark about the Jewish religion. That's been a big area.

It's not that I am really sensitive when someone says something offensive about Jewish people. It's that I cannot feel comfortable about being around that person until I have confronted them about what they said.
 I usually respond but not in the perfect way I wanted to. Then, I start thinking about the what ifs.

 I become overwhelmed by the perceived insult or comment and cannot think about anything else until I get closure. I get nervous, jittery, anxious, scared about consequences and all the feelings one feels when they decide they will confront the schoolyard bully and wait fearfully to do it.

Relief usually comes from a successful confrontation. Successful means the person who made the remark, when challenged, apologizes or somehow shows that they  meant no insult. If that person gets angry at being challenged about a remark they are being called out on and they refuse to give me relief then the situation escalates. 

I will go back to that person again and again if I can. Or, I will become possessed by the remark replaying it over and over. It will occupy my mind for days, weeks, months, or even years.  It will take many forms until I actually forget about the original cause of my anxiety. So, I, am constantly the victim of my own mind.

That has been  happening forever. The irony is that it is usually not really about what I heard. It is about my sick mind staying tortured until I can get rid of the obsession to respond. I have the need to prove to myself again that I have the courage to stand up for myself or fight back. The courage I lacked and still lack in many instances.

 I was bullied when I was younger and tried for all these years to get over it. That's what my whole thing is about.  It's about not feeling safe and comfortable  until I confront the bully no matter what form the bully is in Just like being scared to stand up for myself when I was little and was afraid or unwilling to hit back.

It is always connected to a person I want to overcome the feeling of being intimidated by. It could start with a barking dog but it is always about confronting the owner. If the owner is a nice little lady I stop caring about the barking. The underlying factor is that I'm  looking for reassurance that I am not being bullied.

It has happened where a situation started with a remark a person made and it ends up with me apologizing to them, after me being unsuccessful in getting an apology. I desperately want the relief of getting closure with that person.  I cannot get my mind back until I do.

I have suffered brutally from this OCD condition in other areas.  Needing to explain myself when I think I have said or done something wrong. I slightly brushed against someones car a while back doing no damage. I could not stop going back to the car over and over checking it again. Then, even after a few weeks I hesitated going down the street where it was parked because it would trigger OCD feelings.

Fortunately, relief came by just accepting the feeling of living with the urge to check that car again knowing it was my OCD causing it. That was an accomplishment. Resolving that car thing from within was terrific. The real underlying fear was a confrontation with the owner of the car. I knew that but it is so hard not to act when the urge is there.

 I continually try to work OCD urges out in my mind and keep vowing to only do the work internally rather then acting out. It is hard. Even after lots of cognitive and talk therapy, SSRI medicines, I suffer terribly. Each day is filled with anxiety. but, not acting is a big achievement. Not acting out is the objective to OCD.

 It takes a lot of work but I'm way better now then in the past. The  real solution to relieving OCD urges is when you need only your own understanding to resolve them. That's real success.

But, it has not always worked that way. I have gotten into terrible trouble engaging people for no reason. The biggest victim has been myself. Most of my life has been tormented every day by some OCD situation preventing me from living.

So, the real bully is my inability to confront the OCD that lives within me and not act on it