Saturday, September 23, 2017

OCD All Over Me Again

Same old OCD torment again.. This urge to confront a guy I play softball with is overwhelming.. I know that nothing good could come of it. I do not have anything against this guy.. But, I feel I must act out again to prove some kind of distorted courage to myself..

 I am all overwhelmed and anxiety ridden about seeing him on the field tomorrow. It feels like there can be no relief unless I confront him about a perceived issue that he already apologized for.

It is the same lifelong urge that makes an ocd person  check the lights or the stove or do a million other things to feel relief.. Only mine can get dangerous because I need apologies or physical contact to get relief.. Usually, that only makes the  OCD .urge more complicated.

 Fear of the feeling of anxiety eating away is my issue.

So, I get  a reckless idea as to how to relieve it. Many times the solutions are dangerous. I have ended up in the hospital, in jail, in mental wards, and  always living with terrible OCD thoughts for long periods of time while trying to create unsuccessful  personal solutions.

Only doing nothing about OCD urges is the solution other then therapy and medicine.

Yet, figuring out persoanl solutions seem the only way to relieve the sickening anxiety I am feeling right now. It is always the same thing. There have been countless situations like this. But, I do not evedr learn that the solutions lie within..

I know that doing nothing other then applying my knowledge to this current situation is the answer. Self acceptance is critical but I cannot take comfort in it for very long.

 All the intellectual understanding in the world fails me. Medicine helps somewhat but not enough. Peace lies within my tortured mind but I can not attach my brain to that peace for very long.

 I will now start to do the work again. I know what to do and how to do it.but I do't have the mental courage.

I will not act out on this episode.I will take the first step again to deal with my OCD from within. .

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Match.com bad management and rip off rates.

Match.com sucks. They cancelled my subscription by accident. I had argued about  app $8.00 owed  to me and unpaid by match.com as they had promised.

I have been a member almost since they opened.They are a bunch of pigs and Zina in customer service would rather argue then do business. Also, they are not keeping up with their competition.

Phony pictures and profiles fill the match site. Their automatic renewal policy is a rip off as are their rates.They do not admit to the FREE memberships offered.

The site allows people who are not online to appear as if they are. They never cancel memberships even when people have dropped out and do not pay match anymore.

Try other services.
 Match is composed of bad management..

.

Monday, September 11, 2017

David's Place: Paying Peanuts For Bloggers From Google AdSense

David's Place: Paying Peanuts For Bloggers From Google AdSense: AdSense is a mystery to me. Blogger is the free blogging site that Google owns and operates very efficiently. AdSense, owned by Google, keep...

Paying Peanuts For Bloggers From Google AdSense

AdSense is a mystery to me. Blogger is the free blogging site that Google owns and operates very efficiently. AdSense, owned by Google, keeps track of what bloggers earn. AdSense is mutually beneficial for both Google and bloggers who are paid by the amount of times their blog is clicked on..

Ad revenues are generated toward Google advertisers whose ads are placed on the same pages along with the blogs. So, it's a quid pro quo more or less. Less for any bloggers except the best and most popular who are a special few who work endlessly and are very talented. and get a lot of traffic.

I have been owed $85.24 from Google AdSense for several years. Today, I again got interested in figuring out how to get paid.

 I know that you must earn $100.00 to formally be entitled to receive a payment from Google AdSense.  However, I am sure Google pays small sums for things they need even when the amount  is less then $100.00.

They need bloggers.. There is lots of competition for us. But it takes many of us foever to earn $100.00 despite bringing in traffic to the site.

Most bloggers earn nothing at all or very small sums..I realize there are a few bloggers who make real money but I believe that statistics would show that an average blogger makes peanuts. They write for love.

I have blogged thousands of hours with heart and soul for many years because I love to write and share what I think. I have over 10,000 page views on my blog. I have earned my $85.24. and I have generated plenty of traffic for Google. I admit I have been an off and on blogger like so many others. But, I have stayed with Google Blogger..

 Blogging is fun and fulfilling.but it is hard work.  Incentives are needed to keep the army of bloggers like myself blogging away. It is unfulfilling to work for FREE. Google understands they are getting slave labor from many who cannot earn $100.00 in a reasonable period of time. But,we keep blogging anyway which only helps Google and it's advertisers..

Google could fix this problem by awarding small payments. I know it's a lot of bookkeeping and detail but it might be worth it. Part time bloggers would love that idea  and would likely blog more.

It takes forever to earn $100.00 blogging if you are just a normal person who likes to write and are not a professional blogger. .Those $1000.00 a day blogger earning figures that are tossed around  are a fantasy. Huge AdSense earnings are an almost impossible dream for most bloggers. Maybe Mashable and a few blogger superstars know how to make real money from blogging but normal bloggers makes only pennies for their hard work.

I am a senior citizen who is not computer savvy. I hardly know what a URL is. I cannot figure out most things on a computer. I am happy to just get online knowing how to perform a few simple steps with a computer.  I type with two fingers. Who cares?.

 Writing is a great, first amendment outlet.and I love unfiltered, easy to publish social commentary  the same as so many others do.. .

Google makes blogging very easy. Blogging is part of what really does make America great.. Everyone should blog. It is an easy and great way to express almost anything you feel...

Nonetheless, this $85.24 is a matter of principle. .Also, it would be good business for Google to pay out small sums to promote blogging.

Google has proven it is composed of sensitive, humane, and honest employees who respect the majority of its following of people throughout the world.  Google should do more to promote itself by compensating lots of people small sums for blogging..We are your profit center..

 I went to my Google page, to the AdSense forum, to Google Analytics on Twitter, and am now also posting this story. It has taken about three hours to write. Make another smart move Google.. Allow us non-superstar bloggers to be compensated by making payments of small sums.

 We deserve a break from you.  Blogger Bloggers generate so much revenue and passion to your site. You are all about fairness Google are you not?

Since you at Google literally see just about everything in the world  then pretend the $$85.00 you owe me is a payment for a bunch of donuts or something and not a payment for blogging.

Do that for everyone who is an occasional blogger. Who knows?.
Maybe this is a monster idea. That is how Google started out is it not?.

It is worth a test. (all rights reserved lol).

Thank you.
David
..

Sunday, July 16, 2017

Help For Hydrocephalus Sufferers

Going into the hospital on Wednesday July 19. The Dr.  will put a shunt in my head to funnel the water on my brain into the shunt and drain it harmlessly into my stomach. That will hopefully correct and relieve the weakness and inability to use my legs without a cane, and hopefully the shunt will restore my short term memory which is all but gone. This condition I have is called Hydrocephalus. Most people do not know about it because it only effects a very small segment of people.

There is a wonderful place called the Hydrocephalus Association at 4340 East West Highway  Suite 905 in Bethesda MD 20814.

They perform a great service with literature, videos, personal contacts, and recommendations..
There are no charges.  Just help.

The number is 301-202-3811 and the email is info@HYDROASSoc.org

Hope this help someone..

Friday, July 14, 2017

My Battle With Hydrocephalus

I have not blogged very much in recent months. I have an excuse. I have been sick and furthermore unable to find a Dr. to diagnose the condition, I have had a continual problem walking, and remembering easy short term memory events. I went from Dr. to Dr. and finally a found a neurologist who made a diagnosis of a condition called Hydrocephalus which is water on the brain. This water drips down into the spine and causes trouble walking, and thinking. That is my problem..It takes a long time to emerge but it is usually curable.

After spending a huge part of my life for the last few years as the disease progressed I became more and more desperate to, find a DR. who could treat this disease which is treatable I have spent so much of my  time researching I feel like an expert on Hydrocephalus. I found a Dr, a neurosurgeon who will put cut my skull open and insert a shunt in my brain to drain the damaging fluid from and cut it off from travelling to my spine where it does all the damage.

On July 19 I will have neurosurgery done by Dr. Matthew Tate at Northwestern Hospital in Chicago. He willLput a shunt in my brain which hopefully will  resolve this problem. I could write tons about Hydrocephalus but I will not now.

I will report more as the days go on for those who are interested.

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Hydrocephalus


no goals or objectives. I'm 68 years old and healthy other the having a condition called hydrocephalus which is fluid on the ban. It makes you unable to walk properly, think cognitively, or feel balance. It is terrible to live with. No taking a walk, engaging in fruitful conversation, or enjoy normal short term memory. In fact one of the only ways I can get any piece of mind is to write. Writing gives some meaning and value to my life. It is one of the only ways I have left to cope with my semblance of a life What do I do? I'm sitting in front of the tv with no life and no purpose. I have nowhere to go and Wed June 7, 2017  Everyone needs validation in their life. It5 can come with a job, a wife, a family, consuming hobbies and many other things. I do not have any of those. I am alone in my own morbidly depressed life.I have 3 wonderful, loving grown children and 5 grandchildren That is not enough to capture my mind for very long. I always come back to this indescribably dismal place where I see no value in my life. I want to live but do not know what to do with this life.

Sunday, January 22, 2017

Compulsive Gambler Desperate To Gamble Again After 8 Years Sober

" 

Compulsive gambler is a 67 year old male. He has not placed a bet in  8 years. He is set up for life. But, only if he does not gamble. He is thinking about giving into the urge. 

"

So, I have been resisting the perpetual urge to start gambling again although I have been clean and sober for over six years  If I gamble my rich, trusting lover who has stuck with me will find out quickly even if I sneak it well.. Also, my kids and few close friends would immediately lose all respect for me and I would lose all trust from everyone else. I would be cutting myself off from the easiest life one could imagine. 

I am covered financially by my very rich sugar momma only because I do not gamble. If I do gamble she would cut me off in a second. I would end up broke and living in the gutter. Now, I live in a penthouse and have plenty of money between driving a cab, making money from a promotional business, and getting social security. If I'm short of cash or want anything then all I have to do is call sugar momma..She never says no.

Still, the monster to gamble lives within me. I want to chuck it all an go back to the craps table, play online poker and bet ballgames. I want to eject myself from this life and make a furiously fast journey to          Las Vegas or just go to one of the gambling boats thirty minutes away from my house.

The addiction to gamble has remained so powerful that it eats at me every minute of every day. It is all I want to do. I am a 67 year old male who lives in a golden torture chamber..

So, I sit here  in torment. I work, hang out with friends, stay active physically, read, write. It does not matter.  I am too smart and have lived the degenerate life in previous years for too long so all I need to do is play the tape of what my life will evolve to if I go back into action.. No sugar mama, no respect from my family who I have punished, no respect from my few friends and no respect for myself.

Yet, I am tempted to throw it all away.

The hardest truth is I am a horrible gambler who almost never won and manged to lose almost two million dollars.I don't even have a plan.

 I just want to give in to the impulse and go gamble..

I need the action but I need a Gamblers Anonymous meeting worse.

I'mgoing to a  Gamblers Anonymous meeting now. 
You should too.
Good luck.

I Cannot Sneeze

I Cannot Sneeze

A Story by David Stein
" 

I am afflicted by an unusual condition. I am a 67 year old man who cannot complete a sneeze. There is nothing medically causing the problem. I have not sneezed in six months. I have tried every trick.

 "
I have a weird, unusual, condition. I continually get stuck sneezes. I get the urge to sneeze. I go Ahhh but the Choo will not come. This has been happening almost everyday for about the last eight months. I do occasionally complete a sneeze. It seems I finally sneeze just about the time I am totally out of my mind from not being able to do so.
 
I have researched this problem for hundreds of hours. No good answers. I have discovered a very rare condition named “Asneezia” that kind of describes my problem. I am sure this condition is psychological. I have not sneezed in the last 5 weeks. I have only sneezed a total of about 5 times in the last eight months. I get the urge to but then I cannot release the sneeze. It is like an orgasm that cannot be completed. . I have asked everyone I know including various Doctors and they have no answer. Everyone tells me it is totally irrelevant whether a person ever sneezes or does not sneeze long as they do not try to stifle it. That can possibly cause infection in the ears and sinuses. That information does not console me.
 
This problem has me totally obsessed, uncomfortable, nervous and depressed all the time. I keep waiting for the next urge to sneeze to come. It usually does at least once a day but then I cannot fulfill the act. I get more and more depressed each time I fail to sneeze. The only research I have found about this problem being medical is with people who have had strokes. Sometimes their brainstem and medulla will not allow the sneeze reflex to work properly. But then there are usually other reflex problems like inability to swallow and yawn that accompany stroke victims. I have none of those symptoms.
 
This all started one day when a friend who was talking to me saw me go Ahhh.. She said “now go Choo” .I concentrated on what she said, got distracted, and lost the sneeze urge. I immediately got self conscious about sneezing and started focusing on it and obsessing about it. Ever since then my sneezing has been abnormal. I can actually feel myself stopping the reflex and aborting sneezes. The times I have sneezed in the last eight months are usually when I do not expect to. I never had sneezing problems before. In fact, I never even thought about sneezing. I do not ever remember not being able to sneeze when I wanted to. Now, sneezing is all I can think about.
 
Help. I am a 57 year old male in very good physical condition. My very neurotic mind is another story. I have suffered from many O.C.D related issues including severe anxiety and hypochondria. The main concern I have is to find someone out there who understands this inability to complete a sneeze problem. Also, I would like to know for sure it is psychological and will not hurt me physically.
 
Lately, I am thinking that the ability to sneeze normally will never return. I do occasionally complete a sneeze. It seems I sneeze just about the time I am totally out of my mind from not being able to do so. I have researched this problem for hundreds of hours. No good answers. I have found a very rare condition named“asneezia” that kind of describes my problem. I am sure this condition is psychological get the urge to but then I cannot release the sneeze. It is like an orgasm that will not climax. Everyone tells me it is totally irrelevant whether a person ever sneezes or does not sneeze as long as they do not try to stifle it. That can possibly cause infection in the ears and sinuses. That information does not console me. This problem has me totally obsessed, uncomfortable, nervous and depressed all the time. I keep waiting for the next urge to sneeze to come. It usually does at least once a day but then cannot fulfill the act. I get more and more depressed each time I fail to sneeze.
 
The only research I have found about this problem being medical is with people who have had strokes. Sometimes their brainstem and medulla will not allow the sneeze reflex to work properly. But then there are usually other reflex problems like inability to swallow and yawn that accompany stroke victims. I have none of those symptoms. This all started one day when a friend who was talking to me saw me go Ahhh. She said “now go Choo”. I concentrated on what she said, got distracted, and lost the sneeze urge. I immediately got self conscious about sneezing and started focusing on it and obsessing about it. Ever since then my sneezing has been abnormal. I can actually feel myself stopping the reflex and aborting sneezes. The times I have sneezed in the last eight months are usually when I do not expect to. I never had sneezing problems before. In fact, I never even thought about sneezing. I do not ever remember not being able to sneeze when I wanted to. Now, sneezing is all I can think about.
 
Anybody have answers? I am a 57 year old male in very good physical condition. My very neurotic mind is another story. I have suffered from many O.C.D related issues, anxiety and hypochondria. The main concern I have is to find someone out there who knows of this inability to complete a sneeze problem. Also, I would like to know if it is psychological and will not hurt me physically. Lately, I am thinking that the ability to sneeze normally will never return.


© 2016 David Stein



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I don't want to be an ass but this story sounds like complaining. Is that what you were aiming for? I clicked on the title looking for comedy and this sounds like real life complaining. You could make some rhymes to make it more interesting to keep a reader reading. For instance you take this sentence "I go Ahhh but the Choo will not come." Just add "Through" at the end and you have a fun rhyme. I am a very amateur writer so take this review with a grain of salt.

Posted 8 Months Ago

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Added on May 18, 2016
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Thursday, January 19, 2017

OCD Screenplay -Rough First Draft

                                                     A First Draft On  An OCD Crisis

David on a continual mission to prove his manhood to himself so he can feel ok inside. Physical fighting is still the cornerstone. This night david and deb are out with another couple to dinner. It is while they ar engaged

Table of people out to dinner near davids table.They are drunk, loud and profane.



Guy-So, the fucken guy comes up to me

D-Losing appetite due to intimidation. Feels he will have to confront this guy

D-Moves over to table. Leans over.

D-Would you guyds please hold back on the profanity. Its embarrassing

Gut at tablet alking about his loud friend.

Guy.

Don’t worry about it. Hes just a little drundk. Well keep it down.

D-thank you

Loudmouth-Fuck off

D-Two short jbs to the loudmouths fat face.

Everone at loudmouths table stands up.

Loudmouth-unfazed

Want to take it outside

D-says nothing hoping it will not go outside.

Al-guy at davids table. Come on.Lets get out of here.

Al-I have never seen anything like the balls you just showed as the loudmouths drive away and david is safe.

Deb-whay did you do that?

D-they were being rude and loud

I didn’t even hear them.

Al-your boyfriend is my hero. Everyone wants to stand up to assholes like those.

Deb-Oh

David-lets go for a drink somewhere else.

Group leaves for another bar

Uneventful rest of night.

David goes home to his apartment alone afte driving deb back to her parents.

David turns up the volume on his police scanner.

Neighbor pounds on the wall indicating to turn down radio. David feels intimidated again. Turns down police radio. Realizes he will be uncomfortable until he makes peace with the neighbor hwho knocked on th3e wall. He has never met that high rise neifghbor. David tries to knock on the neighbors door the next day to apologize. He only repeats the same behavior he has always engaged in. he just wants to relieve the anxiety he feels from being intimidated by the neighbor. He feels uncomfortable in his house. He knows he will continue to feel that way until he gets the relief of shaking hands with the neighbor or fighting him. He cannot then or now live with the internal discomfort discomfort of the threatening feeling he feels just living next door to this intimidating neighbor who he has never met.



D-knocks on neighbors door-Lady-answers door

D-im sorry about that noise the other night

Lady- oh, that was my boyfriend. He gets mean when his sleep is disrupted. That noise woke him. Don’t worry about it. I’ll tell him you came by

D-could I taeel him myself that im sorry?

Lady-No. He isn’t home. Ill tell him. It was nothing. Forget it

D-Ok as lady shuts the door.



David lying on bed afterword.



He decides he does not want to live in that apartment anymore. He cannot live with the anxiety. A few days later he tells deb that they should start looking for apts. David never turns on police radio again and keeps the tv very soft.



Same bullied feeeeling always that started with not being able to go outside and face the bullies back from the day that Lloyd told david to go outside and fight and david could not. Same theme for life.



Interior stein furniture

David goes to bathroom pissing again and again.

D-Dr. I cant stop pissing

Dr-its nothing. Just part of that infection I I am teating you for

D-But I just keep going and going

Dr.call me back if it doesn’t stop in a few days.

D-ok



Pissing problem lasts for several years. David urinates an inhuman amount of times each day. It destroys his quality of life he goes to the dr over and over. Dr cannot find the cause.

D-Doc, you have done every test

Dr-almost all

Dwhat do you meanalmost

Dr-I have not done the single test that would rule out any other possibilities that are physical about your constant urination

D-whats the tet/

Dr-it’s a cystoscope where a tube is inserted in your penis so I can see everything I have not seen in all the other tests.

Dr-Just forget about it david. there is nothing wrong with you

Dr-Im getting married and I need to be right to work and to live. I cant with this continual pissing problem

Dr-you think about it

D-ok

So, as david is about to geet married he desperately still seeks a way to once and for all prove his manhood thru physical courage. He also trys to find the courage to take this weel know terribly painful cystoscope test. Life is a nighmsare of anxiety.





David at stein interior-sitting and pondering



David cannot relieve the anxiety within that keeps him from having any peace of mind. He is constantly pre-occupied with the need to get into a physical confrontation that will make him feel satisified about his manlihood. He also is pissing continually thinking he has a disease dsapite repeated trips to the Dr.



The wedding is in a few months and david is in a constant state of high anxiety. He talks to no one.



David finally comes to a decision about both issues. He will seek out another guy again and pucnch him in the face just one on one. Like he has never done before.

David-walks ouit of stein onto street of downtown Chicago. He decides to bump into a tough looking character on a main downtown street and when the guy reacts angrily david will punch him in the face. David will do this among lots of people where the fight is sure to be broken up quickly.



David exterior-walking on state st

David looks oup. Coming toward him is of all l the people in the world his old time nemesis and bully dennis oloiff. David recognizes nhim even though he has not seeen him for about 10 years

D-To dennis approaching the other way.

D-Hey

Oliff-Recognizing david-Hey

David remembers feeling that if he did not act now then his life would be over. This was meant to be.It was a scene like in the twilight zone

Dennis starts to pass him and david garners all the courage and will he can. He lashed out and punches dennis in the mouth. Dennis goes down on the ground rom the half hearted blow. David jumps on top of him with a knww in the chest. Dennis holds his hand s in front of his face defensively trembling while awaiting the next blow.. David lets him up.

Oliff-Why did you hit me?

David-I don’t know. It was like I was in a dram and we were back in high school and you were pushing me around.

Olifff-that was over 10 yaears ago. Were you just let out of a mental institution.

D-No

Dennis-Lets just have a cup of coffee david says point;ing to a restaurant a few feet away

Dennis-Looking at david with fear but too scared to say no.

Ok

The two sit down and talk at a tble. David does not want dennis to think he needs to do something to protect himself from david. That would create another obsession

D-Dennis. This is all done. I never want to deal with you again. This was all about me

Dennis-is it out of your head now?

Yes-im sorry

Dennis-Getting ip. Get some help stein. This is really abnormal.

D-you did a lot of damage

They both leave going different directions.



David-exterior-dancing down the street.

He thinks that he is now finally done proving his version of manhood and courage to himself



Interior-back at steins

D-Lloyd, you ll never believe this

L-what/

There wasa a guy who shoved me aroung in high school

L-So?

I just was walking down s5tate street and saw h;im.

L-I couldn’t resist the urge to get even with him. I punched him right in the mouth

L-distracted-not really caring

L-Good. Sounds like he had it coming



David at home at moters house ecstatic

David-to old best friend Mike.

D-So, Im walking down the street and I see oliff. Remember him

M-whatever happened to him

D-i don’t know but I do know what I did when I saw him.

M-what

I punched him in the face

M-Why

D_Because of all the times he made shit out of me

M-What did he do

D-he went down like a sack of shit trembling and hoping I wouldn’t keep hitting him

M-what'd you do?

D-I let him up

M-then what

D-i convinced him to go for a cup of coffee so I could explain myself

M-explain that youre crazy

D-yeah

M-i cant believe it

D-i did it

M-congatulations.





David on the phone

Dr-I want t have that cystoscoe test

D-you know I don’t recommend it. Its painful; and unnecessary.

D-but you said it’s the one conclusive test you can do that will tell you the real story about

Dr-yes. It would

D-Set it up pleas3e

Dr-OK



Interior at hospital

Dr at davids bed before the test

D-remember-plento of antisthetic and no catheter afte the test

Dr-We always use a catheter so that afterwardthe pain will be decreased.

D-how much pain?

Dr-A lot for a few days

D-I don’t want a catheter stuck up there

Dr-suit yourself. Ill see you aftger I finish

Dr-you can still change your mind right now before we wheel you down

D-No- do it





David interior afteet test

Dr standing over his bed

David-there was nothing wrong. You are 100% ok in your kidneys and bladder.

D-Groggy-Good

Dr-I check back with you tomorrow.

D-thankd doc





Interior of david getting out of bed to urinate

D-sitting on toilet

Urine filled with blood comes out

D-Crying out in pain. Excruciating. Lasts for several days where david lays in hospital be d dreding each new urge to urinate.



Interior-Dr

David-Your ok im discharging you now. Is the pain when urinating over the sensitive sking one

D-pretty much

Dr-OK Oh just one thing

D-What

Dr-I noticed something on your chest xray. Oh never mind. Im sure its nothing

D-What?

Dr. Well, I noticed what im sure was a little piece of dudt on the xray film. When

D-ok Dr.





Exterior



David walks home from hospital to mothers house

Mom-Oh honey. Im so glad that’s over with

D-yeah. But I have another problem

Mom-What honey

D-he needs to do another chest xray to make sure about something. He said it was nothing





David walking into steins

Feeling he cannot breathe. Obsessed with his chest. Driving around worried to death about chest xray. Hyperventilates for several days.



David on phone to DR.

D-Doc-I want to get that chest xray done again.

Dr-Ok come by and see miss louis anytime

D-Ok



Miss louis does chest xray



Phone call for david at home

Dr-Hi david. Your chest xray id fine. There was just some dust on the old one take care.

Hyperventiallting goes away. David is fine for a day or so