Yes. This is not a stranger than fiction piece of creative writing. It is about me in mental torment because of this strange, rare, hardly researched condition that has destroyed much of my life.
My inability to sneeze is not new. It seems logical that each time it happens and than when I finally blast out a sneeze I should be cured. But, over many years it does not work that way.
The problem just rebuilds again very soon after a sneeze finally comes. Then, soon after a few aborted sneezes I am back sitting and obsessing about the next sneeze I want so desperately to happen no matter what real legitimate problems I have going on. It is so sick.
Once again, as of yesterday, my sneeze center had been stuck for over six weeks. Not one sneeze had exploded out of my nose. None. Many Aaahs but no Choos. I know because I keep a vigil. I waited and waited obsessing away for a successful blast. I was met with continual failure and frustration with every urge. Can you even comprehend that?
Finally, yesterday the gates of sneezing fury riveted open my nose and I started to sneeze my head off. One boomer after another for several hours. Snot flying all over. It was orgasmic. It was a gift from heaven. I immediately came out of my morbidly depressed mood and became a descent human being again.
You see, I am a 71 year old, physically healthy, active extremely neurotic Jewish male.
I am not some weirdo seeing how insane my fantasies can go with stranger than fiction writing. This is a true tale. It just so happens I am brutally afflicted with obsessive compulsive disorder. (ocd)
Back in 2006 I was sitting at my desk in my cubicle at the family business in Chicago. I had never even thought about sneezing. I had sneezed normally my whole life.
Megan, my friend and the woman who sat at the cubicle next to mine changed my life in a heartbeat. She innocently triggered my neurotic head into an inability to complete a sneeze. A relentless hell that has lasted off and on a seeming eternity.
She innocently stood near my cubicle entrance about to ask a question. I felt a big sneeze coming and help up my finger for her to not talk until I finished my sneeze.
I went Ahhhh and then she playfully said "now go Choo David". My sneeze immediately aborted and from that day on I have not been able to sneeze normally. Yes. I have sneezed many times but never in a normal consistent way like I'm sure you do. My sneezing nightmare has stopped and started again and again for a few days only to stop again for months.
I have gone from agony to ecstasy so many times over the years waiting for that elusive sneeze to set me free. A successful few sneezes would only falsely lead me to believing I was cured.
But, soon I would go back on stuck sneeze again and the frustration would restart. You would think I would say fuck it and stop caring since I knew there was really nothing wrong with me. But, so does every other person on psychological tilt. Understanding crazy is not usually an answer.
Thinking about sneezing has been a full time job involving thousands of hours of time googling, researching the scant information on what is called "asneezia" and talking to Dr.s and therapists giving me assurances that they knew nothing was physically wrong with me but they could not explain this condition they had never seen or heard of before.
The issue has always been that I am very physically healthy in my body but not in my mind. All the multitudes of professionals I saw knew nothing about a person not being able to release a sneeze. It is not in anyone's playbook. Too much sneezing is easy to resolve and a no brainer. But, not being able to sneeze even intermittently for many years? Huh?
I know this all sounds ridiculous right? Well, see how you feel after your honker attempts to go Choo thirty times in a row over a one week period of time and you fail to pop a sneeze? A little frustrating do you think?
Some background obviously needed.
Add in a lifelong brutal case of ocd. (obsessive compulsive disorder) and you have a very hot mess of a person in me. Thousands of dollars spent in therapy, countless hours living immobilized with paralyzing obsessions, a life of mental torment.
Paradoxically, an amazingly wonderful life filled to the brim with all the important blessings like health, a wonderful family, a longstanding lover of indescribable magnitude, many friends. That is me. A lucky lucky guy with a life filled with recreation and joy. But, a tormented nut. Somewhat of a spoiled brat who nonetheless has had my psyche beaten silly.
It's the ocd. Besides the inability to sneeze regularly (excuse me, I just went into a sneezing fit the likes of which I have not experienced maybe ever. I'm jubilant and mentally orgasmic Hallelujah. YES. YES. YES.
I cannot believe it !!!!)
There has been similar ocd situations so bizarre I could write forever. Unexplained, frequent urination, decade long confrontations with people, knocking on doors in the middle of the night because of a little noise, doing dangerous things just to get them off my mind. Craziness.
My issue is all about being bullied and having the guts to stand up for myself. I am totally non-violent and a big chicken.
You get it or you don't out there. I am a real rarity. That is a fact.
I want so badly for someone to read this story and allow me to make my mark in this world. Where are you, screenwriters, film makers, novelists, etc???
Find me. I have a fascinating life and my stories are spot on true.
David Stein
Email me at tshirtdave69@gmail.com
