BEING BULLIED IS A LIFETIME SENTENCE OF TORMENT

 

I was just a little five year old boy waiting in line to be let into my first grade class. It was 1953 at a Chicago Elementary school named De-Witt Clinton located on the north side of the city where I grew up.

It was the first day of the semester and I did not know many of the forty or so kids in line also waiting to go to their first day of class.  

For no reason a boy I had never seen before walked in front of me and said "Hey kid, ever been kicked in the balls?"

"No", I innocently answered.

 He then kicked me squarely in my small crotch. I doubled over in pain, went down, and started to cry.

 As I caught my breath and stood up the last thing on my mind was hitting or retaliating against him. I was too scared and ashamed. 

The other kids standing around laughed at my misery. They taunted me mercilessly. "Fight, fight, fight," they screamed.

I felt humiliated and victimized.

I already knew what bullying was and had seen it done to others.

I knew I had been had.

Instinctively, I knew that attacking Larry, who was standing there laughing, was theonly move but I was too afraid to act.

I could not overcome that horrid feeling of being afraid to fight..

That was the first time I remember being bullied. It would not be the last. 

Many others also bullied me throughout my life.  

I did not stand up for myself or others countless times because I was scared to. Being intimidated became part of my soul.

That nauseating feeling of fear turned out to be the core of my frightened existence.

 Being intimidated and cowardly has been the paralyzing demon that has controlled my mind.  Either actions or words can cow me.

After being targeted continually I learned quickly that bullies can  be dealt with by guys with the courage to fight which I did not have. 

I never learned until much later there were other ways to deal with bullies. 

 So, I became more and more incapacitated around people who I judged to be tough and macho.

 A bullying victim must suffer devastating consequences both internally and externally. I did and do.

Even after much therapy and understanding that my fears of being bullied are usually irrational and incorrect it did not change the self loathing I have always felt.

Much later in life I would intentionally face terrifying and dangerous situations to rid myself of the feeling of being a coward.

I faced and fought bullies.

 I would feel better for a while or conversely make a situation much worse when retaliating against someone who I thought had physically or mentally bullied me.

Either way, the feeling of fear always returned. 

Another bully has always been there because the real bully is my mind.

 I have not been able to live with the incurable emotion that I will always be vulnerable around people who intimidate me.

I have struggled valiantly to the point that I now have to resist the impulse to fight rather then surrender to it.

 Like any addiction (ocd) demands resisting an urge. I am better now but it is like carrying boulders on my shoulders each day.

It is always flight or fight in my tormented mind. It's a paradox because whether I fight or fly the cowardly feeling in me waits patiently to take charge again. 

Now, it's mostly words and deeds rather than physical action. But, it is all the same in my brain.

My life is all about relieving that intimidated feeling that never rests. The answer lies in self acceptance. 

It can be found at times and than vanishes.

I'm perpetually on guard for any situation where I fear I may get that cowardly feeling in my stomach and mistakenly think that only facing fear will relieve it.

 Allowing the feeling of fear to desensitize without doing anything is the real answer.  That comes with much therapy. (ocd)  Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is tough as nails to battle but therapy works. 

I learned that the real objective is to accept the fearful feelings and not flee from them but let them live without becoming paralyzed by them.

 I continue the endless battle to not react to those around me who instill fear in me.

  Now, not acting out is my answer but I cannot ever forget what Larry did to me.

.

BULLIED: MY FRIEND THE GOLF COURSE BULLY

I always play golf on the weekends with a group of about eight guys. We are all personal friends some closer than others. 

I am very good friends with one of the guys. We are all between the ages of forty five and seventy two years old me being the oldest. 

I have experienced a lifetime of being bullied whether it is mental or physical. I've made a very big effort to stand up for myself with words and deeds. It is scary and tormenting to act when you are afraid but one must face fear when necessary.

Sometimes I succeed and many other times I do not in defending myself. Complicating things is my severe lifelong emotional disorder with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).

Without going deep into an analysis of my particular condition which centers around fighting back when I feel victimized I will point out a case in point to explain exactly why I feel bullied right now.

The guy I am very close to is also a bully. His bullying tools are not his muscles but his mouth and alpha personality. 

I love this guy usually. We have a ton of fun and mutual understanding when he is not being an abusive asshole. I believe he really does not want to be a bully. 

I have called him out on it many times but bullying is baked into his personality. He has responded to my unprofessional but intelligent therapies to some degrees. But, not enough. 

We have disagreements and he gets defensive because he thinks I am bullying him with words and abstract concepts which are a problem for him. He thinks I am too smart which is not true. 

Anyway, he told me big words intimidate him so I try not to use them.

 Unlike him, I try to control my vocabulary when around him. He does not extend me the same sensitivity.

My main problem with him occurs on the golf course. He is a great golfer. I am a bad golfer who keeps on playing because I love the game, 

I do have moments of brilliance, and I love and hate playing with my bully friend who is both my cheering section and my relentless taskmaster when I do not follow his instructions or disagree with him. 

Last night I called another guy in the group who makes the golf time reservations. I played so badly yesterday and my back was so sore that I called him to cancel myself for today's game.

I wanted to make sure I was not causing a problem for anyone else in screwing up the times. He said no problem so I thanked him and went to sleep.  

Today, I awoke to find a text from my main tormentor. It simply had a thumbs down symbol on the message. My frenemy learned I cancelled out and did not know if I was sick, hurt, or just did not want to play. 

He did not care. 

He narcissistically reacted by punishing me. He likes me being out there because the guy strangely does love me. I have empathized with this man through many of his own issues where he needed comfort, and understanding. 

That mattered not when he saw I would not play today. To defend myself I left him a voice mail which he did not yet respond to. 

I also wrote him a text in which I said that if he sent the thumbs down symbol because of being very disappointed I will not be there that's one thing. 

If he sent it because he is angry that I blew off the game that is something else. 

I wrote that if you did it just to make me feel bad you lack empathy which is a subject we have discussed. 

We will see what happens. It's probably wasted words. 

So, that is my story this morning, I have decided to write about my experiences in my seventy two years of being victimized.

Being bullied has literally driven me crazy. It has also made me stronger and wiser. 

I will share stories and accept your stories if a bullying blog takes off.

I hope it does because we all have stories to tell and read about..

My Life Being Bullied

 I started to write down the names of all the people who have bullied me, both physically and psychologically, in my life and I realize that I could write forever about those experiences. It all started when I was a very little boy. I was afraid to fight back when I was harassed and soon everyone had my number. Even though I was popular and a good athlete bullies would find me and pick up on my vulnerability.


So, eventually at school, in the playground, at a party or the movies, anywhere at all, a bully would test me and see that I would not stand up for myself. So, besides the shame and disgrace I felt then I would have to constantly be fearful of being around that guy. Hyper vigilance and constant anxiety became the cornerstones of my existence.


I am now 65 years old and things have not changed except the ages of the people who test me to see if I will become their victim. I can still be easily intimidated if a bully knows what to say or do to get in my head.


I have used so much mental energy torturing myself because of the continual shame and repulsion I have felt that even after being in therapy, taking medicine, engaging in cognitive behavior therapy, and sharing my innermost thoughts about my terribly damaged ego and lack of self esteem I cannot seem to get any lasting relief.

I am constantly in fear of events occurring that I cannot control but feel I must react to..Threats. Even irrational ones. It does not matter. A neighbor playing loud music, a dog barking nearby that is creating a disturbance, a bully in the street I see taking advantage of someone who cannot defend themselves, or any other situation where I feel that I will have to stand up and walk through the wall of fear to confront the bully behind the disturbance..


I am either afraid to act and do nothing and afterward will torture myself for cowardliness. Or, I face the fear and confront a person I think is a bully. Very often for the wrong reasons. I often end up not accomplishing my objective of resolving the problem but only exacerbate it. Sometimes, I do solve my perception of a bullying problem only to have another similar situation quickly appear.


Long ago I learned to face fear even if it is not justified. I just desperately need the release of facing the fear that I could not face when I was a little boy. I learned how to step into the mouth of terror often for the wrong reasons and then sometimes suffer terrible consequences. There is no winning . The aftermath is still feeling bullied by needing to correct a situation I should have never created.The victory can only be achieved in my mind. Self acceptance is my eternal quest.



It turns out that many of my actions were not about helping the victim, whether the victim is myself or another person but about resolving something that I should have resolved internally. Sometimes it is not bullying, it is my bullied personality creating or distorting a problem. If I were not so sensitized to any situation that could upset my delicate anti-bullying equilibrium I would filter out real situations from ones that I just blew up incorrectly.


It's a.painful life being bullied or being a victim.

Bullied On The Playground

 ext.Grammar school playground-day

Alan is standing on playground with other boys during recess.

He shoves David.

David-Stop

Alan-Or what?

What are you gonna do about it?

David-Just leave me alone would ya?.

Alan-Pushes David hard again.

David pushes back very lightly with no heart.

Alan-Did you just push me?

David-Not really

Alan-Rushes at him, throws him down and punches him several times. David tries  to cover himself. Not fighting back No guts.

Alan-Don’t ever touch me again.

  

He let’s David up.

Ext playground-cont.

David-Walks back to class ashamed.. He can’t stop thinking about and replaying the event all day.. He thinks back to brother Jerry's words. Coward. Not a man. A man would have fought back.

 ext.playground-day

Alan-Stands there looking at David walking awaylaughing with the other boys

Kindergartener Kicked In The Balls

My first day of school which was about about 60 years ago. I remember crying and screaming as my mother dropped me off at kindergarten. I walked toward the entrance timidly when she left me at the entrance with a bunch of other kids who were also just starting school.

A boy named Larry walked up to me and said "hi". I'm Larry. I said hi back. He then asked me "have you ever been kicked in the balls"? I said "no". He then kicked me right in my 5 year old nuts. I started to cry hysterically from the pain and the shame.

I used to see Larry each day and avoided him for the entire 8 years I was in grade school. I tried to get out of going back to school the next day. by telling my mom I was scared of Larry. She said "don't worry honey, just stay away from bad boys like that". 

Larry wasn't even one of the cool kids or tough kids I later discovered.. He was just a kid who felt like he could get away with bullying me and he was right.

I am still angry at him. I am angrier at myself.

Bullied For Life

I started to write down the names of all the people who have bullied me, both physically and psychologically, in my life and I realize that I could write forever about those experiences. It all started when I was a very little boy. I was afraid to fight back when I was harassed and soon everyone had my number. Even though I was popular and a good athlete bullies would find me and pick up on my vulnerability.

So, eventually at school, in the playground, at a party or the movies, anywhere at all, a bully would test me and see that I would not stand up for myself. So, besides the shame and disgrace I felt then I would have to constantly be fearful of being around that guy. Hyper vigilance and constant anxiety became the cornerstones of my existence.

I am now 65 years old and things have not changed except the ages of the people who test me to see if I will become their victim. I can still be easily intimidated if a bully knows what to say or do to get in my head.

I have used so much mental energy analyzing myself because of the continual shame and repulsion I have felt that even after being in therapy, taking medicine, engaging in cognitive behavior therapy, and sharing my innermost thoughts about my terribly damaged ego and lack of self esteem I cannot seem to get any lasting relief.

I am constantly in fear of events occurring that I cannot control but feel I must react to..Threats. A neighbor playing loud music, a dog barking nearby that is creating a disturbance, a bully in the street I see taking advantage of someone who cannot defend themselves, or any other situation where I feel that I will have to stand up and walk through the wall of fear to confront the bully.

I am either afraid to act and do nothing and afterward will torture myself for cowardliness. Or, I face the fear and confront a person I think is a bully for the wrong reasons. I often end up not accomplishing my objective of resolving the problem but exacerbate it. Sometimes, I do solve my perception of a bullying problem only to have another similar situation quickly appear.

Long ago I learned to face fear even if it is not justified. I just need the release of facing the fear that I could not face when I was a little boy. I learned how to step into the mouth of terror often for the wrong reasons and then suffer terrible consequences. The aftermath is still feeling bullied by needing to correct a situation I should have never created.

It turns out that many of my actions were not about  helping the victim, whether the victim is myself or another person but about resolving something that I should have resolved internally. Sometimes it is not bullying, it is my bullied personality creating or distorting a problem. If I were not so sensitized to any situation that could upset my delicate anti-bullying equilibrium I would filter out real situations from ones that I just blew up incorrectly in my mind..

It's a.painful life being a bully or a victim.