The above is not nearly the focus of this article. It could be. I get distracted.
This is about how I see the relationship between Compulsive Gambling and Obsessive/ Compulsive Disorder. (OCD)
I am, sorrowfully, an expert in both areas considering my tortured, devastating, overwhelmingly painful, lifelong experiences with both disorders.
A little background. I am a seventy year old, single male in reasonably good health. I'm retired on very little money even though I made millions. I lost most of the money gambling. Yes!!
Just so you know. I'm sidelined because of an Achilles heal injury that I have been struggling with for eight weeks. I blew it out playing senior softball and it is taking forever to heal. Consequently, I cannot do much now other then swim and stretch because I will just hurt it again.
Alright alright, I'll write.
I figured I'd tell you all that so you don't think I'm a total waste just sitting at a poker table, eating a double cheeseburger and obsessing about lost dreams. Or, writing only because I'm busted. No.
Writing is something I love to do and it is wonderful therapy. It also makes me feel like I am making a lasting contribution to someone. I have never injured my leg writing, either.
I have lived an interesting life filled with the type of experiences in almost every aspect of it that fills novels and movies. I have been given a huge share of good fortune with health and family. My life has also been both extraordinarily happy and brutally sad but has never been boring. I know, I still have not started writing about what I intended to write about.
That is because I have trouble staying focused.
Deal with it!!
Ok. Thanks for indulging me. I'm now ready, after that little self help, to write about what I think is the connection between compulsive gambling and obsessive compulsive disorder.
When a person is a compulsive gambler they are controlled by a continual urge to gamble. It does not matter what type of gambling they do whether it's horses, stocks, poker, or lottery tickets. It is an urge that stays with every compulsive gambler for life. That urge seems, incorrectly, to be all about money. Winning and losing. Ironically, it has nothing to do with either. It is only about the action that is craved by every compulsive gambler no matter what the game or the stakes.
The same principle applies with obsessive/compulsive disorder. It has nothing to do with one really being concerned about whether the lights or water or whatever else is turned off or was left on.
I suffer from only obsessional thinking. Not compulsive checking and hand washing etc. It stays in my head. I get some physically fearful thought and I feel that to get relief I have to act it out. Like walking down a dark alley, facing a wild animal, standing up to a violent person. Confronting danger. Physically fighting used to be what I would force myself to do because I was bullied when I was young and can still easily feel bullied. I have been consumed by fear and have struggled to find relief by misguided ways to prove my manhood.
Acting out is wrong. That applies to all urges. Taking action to get relief seems to be the answer. Whether its placing a bet, checking the lights or jumping into a lions cage. It is not ever right.
Understanding that both ocd urges and gambling urges can only be accepted and dealt with psychologically is critical.. That is the only way to get lasting relief. Urges must be dealt with from within.
.Accepting the reality that you have a disease centered on an abnormal urge you must live with is the real answer. There are no other solutions to any addictions other than abstaining. You gotta stop. Giving in to sick urges to gamble or to engage in obsessive compulsive behavior cannot succeed for anyone. The same is true across the board for all addictions.
They can never be cured by engaging them.
Only with acceptance and help comes legitimate relief.
Checking the gas or making one more bet will never be the answer.
But, it takes very hard work. Find a group, a therapist, or whatever enables you to face the reality of
your addictive problems. Get into it. Your life will change for the better. Guaranteed.
Actually, it's comforting to know my addictions are not my or any of our faults. Than, we know that we are blameless until we understand. Than, if we do not stop it is our fault. New damages are on us addicts once we know better.
Addicts cannot act alone. We all need others like us. Twelve step programs are critical. Find one. There is a program for everyone. You have to want to recover.
I used to have a constant urge to gamble on anything. Sometimes I still do. Than, I would lose or win. It did not matter. I could not stop until I had lost all my money. Than, I could not wait to find a few pennies or a few hundred thousand dollars to gamble with again. But, it is only about the action. Not the money. Honest.
I have stolen, defrauded, stolen other peoples money, lied, cheated and been in terrible legal trouble and physical danger. I was a horrible husband and father. But, I would never stop gambling. Gambling was my ultimate lover who I could escape to. The lover who would always love me.
Finally, after joining and failing in Gamblers Anonymous several times I came back to a GA meeting on January 9, 2009 and have not gambled a penny since then. If I bet anything right now I'd be into full blown gambling immediately. I know that. So does every compulsive gambler.
I have suffered for fifty of my seventy years gambling almost everyday no matter what. Family, business, romance, ravaging obsessive compulsive disorder, or anything else I was into came second. Gambling came first. I gambled away at least two million dollars of money I earned in a newspaper I founded, family inheritance money, bank loans and personal loans. The amount is irrelevant though.
I stopped gambling because I knew I would die, go insane, or end up in jail if I kept on.
Finally, it was just because I was sick of being sick that I gave it up. I surrendered to the fact that I was powerless over gambling.
Jail, psychiatrists, loving friends and family, beautiful kids and a great wife did not stop me. Survival did. I decided I wanted to be a better person.
My brain is wired wrong when it comes to addictions. It can be obsessive compulsive disorder, gambling, alcohol, sex, food or just about anything. Research has shown addicts are powerless in trying to control their addictions unless they accept them and decide not to give in to any of the urges.
Also, I realized that I could not stop my addiction without group help, therapy, and forgiving myself. .
So, I will do that as of today, May 29, 2019.
Again.
You do it too. Google your addiction. Get help.
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