My Fight With Richie Incognito

I was standing at a full bar in Miami and there was a loud, abrasive, huge, muscular, tattooed guy yelling at another guy in language filled with expletives. He was berating this big, strong fellow who he obviously knew. He yelled "you dumb motherfucker. Don't you know you gotta stop him as soon as he moves off the line"? He kept verbally abusing this guy and then the guys girlfriend said "Cmon Richie,you're embarrassing him." Richie screamed at her "bitch, shut up, I'm not even talking to you." My stomach was rolling. I felt overwhelming fear and also indignity that this monster was intimidating me, the other guy, his girlfriend, and everyone around him. It was another of those situations that are unavoidable and you just hope it will end with the bully leaving. I kept glancing over to the side of the bar where he was standing and acting like a crazy man. He was dug in with a full glass of booze looking like he was not going anywhere. A bunch of people were standing there patronizing him. I heard "Oh Richie, what a play you made and all kinds of other crap. Incognito didn't stop berating this one guy. He was so into the harassment that he was dripping sweat from his drunken intensity I asked myself if I had the balls to go over there and tell the big pig to keep it down without him beating my face in. No way I knew. I am not the type to perform acts of bravery or take needless risks. Usually. But, once in a while. You know guys. I am usually the farthest thing from a tough guy. I am no special forces kind of guy or anything close. I have been bullied more then not. But, I have very rarely had a few moments of glory. I'm just pretty much of a snook. I am not a big, strong, alpha baboon. I'm just a regular neurotic Jewish guy. I looked at two security guys and they were standing close by Richie but doing nothing to slow him down. Just a couple of big guys wanting no real trouble and looking at this out of control brute. I could see the fear in their eyes. I know all about being bullied. Sometimes I have stood up for myself and sometimes I have been too afraid. Sometimes being brave has worked out, other times it has gotten me in trouble or gotten me a beating. Occasionally, I have started to confront a bully but bailed out from fear. However, always the worse thing was questioning myself and the shame for all the times I did not stand up. Those memories still haunt me. So, this situation was probably more about me then Richie Incognito. I made a decision immediately that I would act in this situation if it continued. I was scared stiff. My hear was beating a million miles an hour. But, I made the decision to act if it still was necessary. Please just leave Richie I thought. I kept looking at that horrid monster and I felt like running the other way. I could have. I was alone just cruising for women and fun. But, I'm crazy too in my own way. Not violent though. I'm not tough nor ferocious but once in a while I will face the bully just so I don't have to feel like a coward. But never did I stand up to a bully like this big, scary animal. It was the ultimate test. I remembered a friend of mine named Troy who was a nice guy but a tough guy I admired. I asked him once how he had so much guts. He was a legendary fighter. "They can't eat me can they?" he would laugh. Suddenly, I heard another outburst from Richie again directed at the guy being abused. "Ok" I decided. I made my legs move. I walked over to Incognito with my heart jumping out of my chest. I tapped him on a shoulder that felt like steel. He turned. I'm not very threatening looking. Just a tall 65 year old guy with white hair and black glasses and kind of a nerdy appearance. "What do you want" he asked. I said "I'd like you to stop screaming and yelling" He just looked at me and laughed. "Get the fuck out of my face before I bury you" he said. He reminded me of a guy who could win the world's most evil looking bully contest. I had never seen a meaner looking freak of nature. I could see how he exploited the world by fear and got away with it. Who is going to stop him? King Kong? In a split second I knew that this was my moment of truth. I said to him "there is no need to humiliate this man". In a flash Richie grabbed my neck with an iron hand and pushed me back. "I'm warning you asshole. Get outta here" I said "No" He said "You really wanna fuck with me?" "No" I said "but I want you to stop acting like a madman". The other patrons around could not jump away fast enough as me and Richie Incognito squared off. With a thumping heart I asked " are you going to stop"? Richie smiled for the crowd. He then slapped me in the face with an open hand. The slap stung bad. I could feel tears forming in my eyes. The slap also took me from fear to anger. I just stood there, frozen, but not backing off. He clinched his fist way down at his waist as he stood next to me. "Get away from me" he snarled." I gulped. My life flashed before my eyes. Then, with the desperation of feeling I was in a life or death survival situation I felt a rush of adrenalin pump into my body. I cocked my strong right arm and shot my fist into his fat, pudgy face before he could smack me. I caught him square in the nose with a rock hard right hand shot. My knuckles banged off his nose. His snoot started squirting blood like an oil gusher. Then, with rage and fear riveting through my body I cocked the same fist back and this time I drove it into his mouth with more power then I thought I had. I hit him so hard all the people around gasped from the cracking sound the blow made. He was spurting blood all over his clothes and the floor as I backed up fast. He stood there kind of in shock and disbelief. My deed was done. Now the security guards found their courage. They both thankfully grabbed me. "Take it easy Richie" one said as he mopped his blood up with a linen napkin someone gave him. Richie screamed at me "I'll get you motherfucker" through his bloody face. I was out the door as the security guards let go of me and then held him. He wasn't even trying to get at me. I saw that. I gloriously screamed my parting words. "Bully" "Leave the world alone" Then I woke up from this wonderful dream I have just written about. It all seemed so true but an hour later I was bagging groceries at my supermarket job. This Richie Incognito story was only a glorious dream.

Bye Hon

David-I want to come over and write a skit Terry-No. D-Why not? T-Because D-Because why? T-I want to just relax today. . D-Relax from what? You did nothing yesterday but sleep. T-I’ve been writing and editing all week T-So? D-So why can't we ever write something and just send it in? T- Its not that simple. It’s too complicated to explain to you. D-What’s so complicated? T-You don’t know anything except how to be funny. Idiot, leave me alone. D-What else is there? T-There is writes and rewrites and editing and submissions that goes on and on. D-Let’s do it. T-Not today. D-Why? T-That’s why I want to kill you. You just don’t stop. You are still a spoiled baby at 65. T-Why, why why. Like you were still begging your mother for a toy. D-You’ll never do it. T-So? D-We can make a lot of money if anyone sees how funny we are. T-You do it for both of us D-C’mon. I’ll come over and we'll write a skit and I’ll publish it. I’ll put it in my blog. Maybe someone will notice our potential. You don’t have to do anything yet. Just write the dialogue. T-No. Not today. D-Got anything better to do? T-No David. D-Good answer. D-I’m doing it anyway alone. I'm just using you. T-Go ahead. D-OK. Can’t you just……? T-Bye hon. D-Bye hon your ass. T-Fuck off Interested anyone?

My Stuck Sneeze

I just can't sneeze. It seems that it has been at least 11 weeks since I last successfully went aaahh-chooo. I am used to this problem since it has been happening off and on for about 10 years. But, I usually sneeze in 3,4,or 5 weeks. It has never gone on this long before I think 10 weeks without a sneeze was the old record which I have now shattered. If I was not so miserable it would be funny to me like it is to everyone else. I am in very good health. I have checked this out before with all the different Dr.s and they all say there is nothing wrong with me physically. They say it has to be psychological. They also say that not ever sneezing is meaningless. It will never matter or hurt anything else in my body if I sneeze or not. But, it is so frustrating. I thought this latest episode was finally over a few minutes ago when the urge to sneeze came and was intense. But, no. Just another aborted attempt occurred when the Choo was ready to release but would not explode. Don't tell me about black pepper, cold weather, pulling eyelashes q-tips, kleenex, or any other tricks to cause a sneeze. I could write a book about every sneezing trick. It is so aggravating to go day after day and become more obsessed with this stupid function not working. I think about sneezing continually. the urges come several times a day and I get high hopes only to become more depressed when I can't sneeze. Why me? Why not me since I am as neurotic as they come. I am a 65 year old guy with almost no other health problems. I hardly ever get sick or have any kind of sinus or nose problems. I feel fine everyday. This is purely a mental thing. It is not neurological or physically related to the brain. I know all that. I have OCD and that is probably the cause. Who cares? I want to sneeze. Understanding does not help when I am debilitated with a half sneeze and the other half just teases me relentlessly and stays stuck. It is misery.

A Great Date

It was another match.com date with a 65 year old man and a 62year old woman. Except this is the date that I did not want to ever end. It started innocently enough, after a few online misfires, with lunch at a Greek restaurant in Chicago. It ended several hours later with a connection that I am overwhelmed by. She is magnificent in her sensitivity, intellect and rare, unaffected beauty. We found that certain indefinable common ground quickly as we had a drink and ordered some food. After she spoke a few words I knew she was a rarity. A non-egocentric, kind, classy, intellectual strong and sensual woman of great experience and insight. Only she did not come off as anything but a very sweet lady who knew her way around. I looked at her and immediately was swept away. After lunch, which lasted a long time I blurted out "do you want to go play?" and she said "sure." My heart skipped a beat. Maybe she liked me? We walked around this big food market tourist attraction in the Northwestern train station after getting lost a few times. No one cared. We walked and walked around for hours and finally sat down for some coffee. We exchanged intimate affections and sat for a while still getting acquainted but with more touching and light kisses. Her lips were sensitive but she kissed mine softly and passionately and touched my face. It was heaven. Finally, we walked back toward the restaurant we met at which is located close to her apartment. I asked hopefully if we could just keep this date going by going to a movie or doing anything at all. She said that she was tired and had just taken a flu shot and that that would be all for now. The words came with a hint of more good things to come soon. It has been all I could do to keep myself from calling her tonight but I'm still a guy that lives by the old male code so I didn't. Besides, I thought that I did the best I could to show my captivation with her. Being a good man and sitting tight was the right move. Then, I thought of this essay as a healthy release. I will email it to her. What I felt being with her was the thing I have always held out for and why I decided never to settle for less in a woman then I wanted. I want the real deal, the whole enchilada and nothing less. The feeling that there isn't anyone in the whole world to be with but that special person is the only feeling to make me really happy and fulfilled. That's how I feel. I must be crazy writing this after one date but who cares. It's who I am.

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