SEX GAMBLING AND LOVE IN A RAMBLING POORLY WRITTEN FORM

I just sat down at my laptop which I have not used for a few months. I have been blogging off and on for many years. I'm a bad procrastinator even though I love to write. In fact, it took me five years to make $106.94 from Google AdSense.  

I am a tall, thin, white haired 71 year old Jewish male who lives with his girlfriend in a nice over fifty five complex. She is sleeping soundly in the bedroom that I just left after sleeping only three hours when I really need eight hours. Cannot sleep. Lots of anxiety.

Its 3 am and I have swallowed a couple of Valium 10 mil. pills but they have not even phased me. Probably, too tolerant of them from too many years of being semi-addicted. But, I sure am glad I have them along with a stash of power packed Xanax tablets for insurance. I have ferocious demons.

Anyway, I got sidetracked. I was going to talk about one of my many neurotic fears. I developed a kidney stone several years ago and read that if you ever get one you would likely get another. So, I always wait for the pain when I pee. Scary thought. 

I just pissed and naturally my ocd kicked in and I thought about that kidney stone as pee  flowed easily. I am always grateful for certain small things that work as I have gotten older. Urinating normally is one of them after successful prostate surgery in 2015. 

 But, what would I do if I got another kidney stone attack right now? It's the midst of the corona virus pandemic. I live in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. The virus is severe here. My life would totally change in a heartbeat if I started having pain in my kidney and needed to go to the hospital ER for treatment.

I am grateful for small victories now, because I know about big defeats. I have learned gratitude from working the twelve steps of recovery in Gamblers Anonymous. I have been sober from gambling for over eleven years. It is one of my only accomplishment besides making beautiful children. 

 I think, what's the big deal? If I become overwhelmed with a medical problem and needed to go to the emergency room and never leave the hospital it's no great loss. I am expendable. That bothers me. 

I did not used to feel expendable when twenty five people worked for me and I had child support payments and was always wheeling and dealing to stay in gambling action. I also had a wild romance going on that sucked my loins dry but never left me feeling irrelevant.

 Once upon a time I was desperate every minute of every day to get my hands on enough money to sustain my degenerate existence.  

 Now, the craziness is all done. My kids are grown and all are healthy, happy, and wealthy needing nothing from me. When they were young I blew them off for gambling and women. I was mostly not around and left all three of them when they were small. I was a shit father but always loved them and stayed in their lives the best way I could.

 They love me very much but not like a regular dad but like a dad who is a friend. They know I  love them deeply. My reckless, irresponsible actions have hurt me very much.  I do love my life and  have had a great ride despite my contempt self destructive, addictive personality

 I also loved gambling and went wildly nuts for another woman,  Fortunately, my wonderful wife happily remarried a solid guy. She did almost all of the heavy living of raising the kids which she did perfectly.  She is also a fabulous grandmother to our seven grandchildren and a terrific wife to her lucky guy.

My long time soulmate and I met long ago after I was married about seven years. At first we existed on super intense sexual heat that turned into a love we have shared and successfully nurtured for each other. She is my angel, She is one of the lucky blessings of a lifetime. I played around a lot but stayed loyal to her even though she was with another.

We have stayed together for thirty five years although we never could live together for long.That is too complicated to go into now. It is a fascinating story I will tell later. 

 Back to me me me. What's the difference to the world whether I feel good and live my totally hedonistic no brainer life of being  with my long time love, living with my girlfriend, playing golf,  playing pickle ball, eating, watching CNN and playing with my sweet dog or not being here at all?

I feel some value because my soulmates husband died and she is alone and really does need me in some form that is platonic now but could morph again into romance as it has done many times in its connection. We will see as she adjusts to life without him and also see if I can live happily with my new girlfriend. 

But, I guess each person really does live for themselves in some form. I really am an egocentric, spoiled, entitled guy because I have been blessed in so many ways.

I do nothing much these days, certainly nothing very constructive. This blog is my only way of offering anything worthwhile to the world and to myself regarding matters of humanity and human existence. 

Otherwise, I'm just a lunk who happens to be supported by a rich long time love who generously covers my expenses. On paper I live the life men dream of. Except, I am a total fraud. 

My love was married to another guy for many years but despite that our relationship never ended. I have still remained her baby thankfully.  My long time love is alone and in pain. I try to be supportive as much as I can without blowing my cover. We have been undercover forever and lucky. We both hope it stays that way. 

She knows we cannot be with each other full time because I cannot sustain the mature relationship she requires. So, she understands why I must be in an immature relationship with my sweet, loyal girlfriend.  She is not begrudging or unhappy with me because she knows I love her intensely despite our relationship being weird. Not to us though. We will always be united.

Actually,  my new girlfriend and I get along fine. She lets me do whatever I want. We now make love about once a month versus a year ago when we made love once a day. I choke down 120 miligrams of Viagra and I'm good to go. 

The lovemaking is very good but there is virtually no communication. The intellectual interaction is with my long time lover who is brilliant and we understand each other well. We can talk forever. She gets me to a tee and I her. 

My new girlfriend and I have severe language barriers but we do fine just living together.  We are great roommates with benefits. 

Our dog is the major part of our life and is our common bond. We both love our dog unconditionally. He is our emotional support outlets.

I do not feel like writing anymore.
This is not written well but I am going to publish it anyway.
Whatever, 

David

PRESIDENT TRUMPS SEXUAL BOOTY CALLS NOW A TOUGH TASK

I wonder what Donald Trump is doing for fresh booty these days if anything? We all know he is a sexual superman. If he wanted a woman before he was elected President he got one fast. 

At least that used to be the case before he was confined to the watchful eye of the entire nation after getting involved in some very scandalous episodes. Paying strippers for sex and being exposed as somewhat of a predatory beast with many accusations of his unstoppable style of assaulting women created his reputation. 

Being President is terrific but it does have it's limitations. The President cannot just grab a woman by the p...y and make her into an instant lover. It seems a very tough task to be abstinent when you are the leader of the free world and unable to get it on at will. 

Read and research information about Presidents Bill Clinton or John Kennedy about sex in or out of the White House. Check out many other politicians whose careers disintegrated upon being discovered breaking their marital vows. Trump must be very uncomfortably careful. He does not like that.

 A President who was once a TV celebrity and world class playboy might be really frustrated at being unable to operate in the sexually free wheeling style of his past after he has been publicly burned several times and is forced to back off the booty.

Trump has the impulse control of a puppy dog jumping around salivating for Milk Bones being thrown all around with his tongue drooling. Or, the control of a Great Dane having Big Macs dropped at his feet. But, he is currently powerless to act on his obvious desires. 

Nonetheless, I never sell Donald Trump short when it comes to fulfilling his sexual pleasures. I believe he is the smartest guy around in matters of healthcare, foreign policy, immigration, gun control, science, medicine, awarding important positions in and out of the cabinet. I believe he is an unstoppable sexual predator who is probably still finding ways to get it on with females.

I also think Donald Trump can do just about anything he sets his mind to do so snagging some quick sex no matter how complicated the equation seems to be a very small task considering this mans selfish hunger.

So, how is this self proclaimed "genius" fulfilling his huge carnal appetite? Just look at his super gorgeous, sexy, steaming hot wife Melania. They hooked up long ago when Donald was just a New York player and apparently they had a voracious sexual frenzy for years. 

Than, Trump became POTUS. Suddenly, all eyes are on him and her everywhere they go and on everything they do. Neither can make a move without being under a microscope let alone sneak away for a day or night of sexual delight.

 Also, it appears that Melania no longer has the hots for the Donald she once had at least from the way she seems to not want to even hold his small hands let alone any other apparatus that is attached to his big, beautiful, bloated body filled with tons of delicious junk food 

So, what are you doing Donald to satisfy those famous urges you have always had for Herculean sex? How does a constrained Donald quell his gigantic appetite for the hot flesh of  ravenous, irresistible woman he continually comes across?

How does he get away from all those Secret Service agents, the reporters, and the cameras that follow every move he makes?
It must be hard?

DUMP TRUMP BECAUSE HE IS A FUCKING IDIOT - ELECT-MIKE BLOOMBERG

Are you a fool? Do you get conned easily? Do you believe whatever you hear or read? Do you allow others to piss on your face and than let them tell you it is just raining? 

Do you make personal decisions on facts and evidence or do you just look up at the stars, take a guess on what you should do and than hope for the best?

Do you judge your choices of politicians you decide to support on what they just say they can do or based on what they logically explain that they can do?


Do you believe that Donald Trump is the right man to lead this nation again as President in 2020?

Really !!!!

Well, shame on him for lying to us his first time running in 2016. We were not at fault.  But, if we allow the same person to lie to us a second time shame on us. He cannot do the job right. We deserve what we get if we re-elect him..

Donald J.Trump does not know shit about most things and nothing at all about other things.
He is an impeached president, a confirmed liar, criminal, cheater, abuser of power, sexual assaulter and he is biased and prejudiced against anyone who opposes anything he says or does. 

He is a wanna be dictator who hopefully is too gutless and stupid to succeed. He is a freak who sits on @twitter constantly tweeting out junk, insults, and garbage that is all about his own agenda and nothing about giving support and guidance to us in his role as commander-and-chief and leader of America.

He has broken his campaign promises about building a border wall, controlling immigration, wiping out the national debt etc.

He has significantly destroyed the democracy by installing only people devoted to him in important roles regardless of their training or qualifications.

His only major claim to fame is the still robust economy which unfortunately is now sinking like a torpedoed ship.

He has fucked up the country on cabinet appointments, foreign aid, the military, trade, nuclear disarmament, race relations, and too many other things to mention.

He brags he is smarter than any of his experts who mostly have quit calling him a moron, ignoramus and who knows what else?
A totally useless, brainless, mentally ill dumb fuck is what I call him without wasting too many more adjectives..

He is the worst president in the history of this country. Most frightening is that he is very mean and possibly deadly. He seems capable of doing almost anything when set off. 

He is terrified of going to jail if he loses the 2020 election. He is correct to feel that way. I believe he will do anything to stay in  office where he is safe.

This man will turn the USA into a third world country if re-elected.

Give someone else a chance. 

Dump Trump

Elect Mike Bloomberg

OCD AND ME-A 71 YEAR JOURNEY WITH OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER

I'm a 71 year old male and I have suffered from (obsessive compulsive disorder) (ocd) since I was about 8 years old. 

A terrifying image of myself standing over my bed, dead tired, and continually jumping in and out of it but not being able to rest comes to mind.  

I was tormented then because my pillow was not precisely centered along a thin line that ran vertically from the top to the bottom of the headboard. It was driving me crazy trying trying to center it perfectly. 

I believed bad things would happen if I did not get it perfectly aligned. Fear and superstition were then and are still now the root of all obsessive compulsive disorders. 

 My tired little body was no match for my twisted mind which kept commanding me to get up again and again and line the pillow up better.  

Sweat streamed down my face and soaked my pajamas as I continued to jump in and out of bed trying to get that uncooperative pillow aligned to the satisfaction of my obsessive compulsive demons.

Finally, I passed out from the fatigue of being a frustrated, worn out little kid. That was not a temporary problem I would grow out of. It is now 71 years later and my ocd still rages on. 

There have been countless episodes of these same kinds of torturous experiences throughout my entire life. 

My symptoms changed from physical compulsions like washing hands, re-checking lights, not stepping on cracks, and many of the common ocd symptoms most people are familiar with to all mental ocd symptoms.    

The award winning movie " As Good As It Gets", starring Jack Nicholson captures ocd in a humorous, but sadly accurate way.  

My mental or pure ocd which started in my twenties became increasingly intense,  with relentless mental, repetitive, fearful thoughts and questions with no answers and no relief attainable ruminating through my brain. 

My thinking centered around facing irrational fears. Taking physically dangerous, risky actions was the bitter medicine I prescribed myself to get temporary relief.

My approach was metaphorically akin to jumping into a cage with a deadly lion just to get rid of the fear of doing it. 

I would relieve fear by crashing into it head first. It was              misdirected thinking that demonstrating insanity permanently cured ocd symptoms.  

My archaic, false definition of manhood was central to my distorted thinking. I believed that being macho proved manhood.

 Many times it would take months and years to actually follow through on certain dangerous actions or missions I assigned myself with no lasting relief.   

But, I could not get fearful thoughts out of my mind so into that lions cage I would eventually jump ravaging my psyche for any path to get peace of mind.

Many times I would make a bad situation much worse and I would have to start the whole mentally torturous process over again after performing some crazy action that failed. 

Or, if I did succeed in eliminating an obsession than quickly another obsession of equal or greater torment would emerge. 
 Seeking danger, and finding the courage to face it was all I used to understand to ease my anguish. I walked around terrified because I am no warrior.

My world was my lopsided brain swirling around like a gyroscope spinning the same painful thoughts constantly. They all centered around facing unnecessary fear. 
What if, what if, and more what ifs became my internal language as I anticipated taking crazy actions with scary consequences. 

I only wanted relief. That was my only motive for jumping in the cages of many dangerous lions. 

I felt only gratitude if I had not been hurt, killed, thrown in jail, or put in an insane asylum after I survived an insane action I took. 
I have lived a life of flight or fight everyday for 63 years.

The central theme of my particular ocd symptoms has been proving I am not a coward and could not be bullied. The reality is that no amount of insane acts of facing danger or standing up for myself has eliminated that cowardly little boy inside of me or has given me inner peace. 


Confrontation is my tool that always takes charge of my thinking. I chased a guy around for twenty years who bullied me when I was 12 years old at the local park. I met him at a train station 25 years after we had last seen each other. I provoked a fight with him and I got the worst of it. 

He stood over me as I went down and he told me I was lucky he was not going to kick my head in.
He left yelling that I was immature and I had not grown up as I crawled on all fours watching him walk away.  

I could not live with just letting that episode go even though I did not have one drop of violence in me toward him or anyone. My crusades were only about finding relief through some distorted definition I had of what manhood and courage was.   

I decided I wanted a rematch with this guy and it took several anxiety, fear ridden years to even find him again. I knew nothing of his life since we were kids.  

Then, after a very long and totally crazy search I ran into him again by accident and we had another encounter I provoked where I ended up on top of him. An intense severe desire to apologize to him developed after it ended. I wanted him to know i was not dangerous. 
I needed his understanding and forgiveness.  

  This strange saga went on ad nauseum  until I finally found his phone number.  To my amazement, when I gathered the courage to call him, he allowed me to apologize.  Even that was not enough for me to let the obsession with him go. 
Think of that? 

 I then wanted to talk to him in person to confirm that we were good.. He finally ended up taking me to court to stop my renewed pursuit. Even that did not stop me because I still felt I had not explained myself satisfactorily. 
Just like the pillow.
I could not get it right. 

I was told by the lawyers and the judge that it was a condition of my probation that I never contact him or get near him again or I would go to jail.  

While on probation and against all orders and sensibility I again contacted him via a letter trying to explain my ocd condition. I felt I was compelled to write to release my mind from the inhumane prison I had not been released from. 
I was willing to risk my freedom for one more chance to get relief. 

  I sent the letter. He did not turn me in and that ended that horrid saga. It was a miracle he did not go right to the lawyers and judge.
I got away with that one but I did not get away with the next one. 

 I ended up fighting with some guy who was in an altercation with his girlfriend. 

I only started that fight because the guy scared me for months without ever saying a word to me. He had me bullied with his looks. He ended up almost permanently blinding me from the right hand he slammed into my eyeball.  

 I had told him to stop hassling his girlfriend one night in the hallway floor of the high rise where we were neighbors. It was nothing and none of my business.  He said fuck you. Get away from me. I  started to go back into my apartment  but he started yelling at his girlfriend again. I screamed at him to leave her alone. 

He  came back at me wild eyed and it was lights out. The result was a blinded eye, broken eardrum, rattled brain and the emergency room. For nothing. I only fought with him to prove the same manhood shit. 

My girlfriend at the time nursed me back to health and then she dumped me for being a crazy fool. She was right. She knew I did it out of ocd and not nobility.

Example of my condition. A person is playing loud music next door to me. I break out into palpitating anxiety as I listen maybe for several days for more music. I knock on the door and politely ask that the music be turned down.

If the person apologizes and does not act with hostility or in a threatening manner then I never care again about any noise coming from that apartment. 

Same for other issues involving me feeling victimized by disturbances like barking dogs, loud noises or other situations where I felt like a victim. 

If the answer from the person is angry or was a get out of my face answer my life would immediately be ruined. My mind would not let me stop thinking about that apartment. 

I would start trying to find a way to make peace with that person and if I could not I would rationalize that I wanted to find a new apartment.

That is a taste of how a big part of my life has been. In reality I'm just a nice Jewish boy whose brain was really derailed by genetic flaws. 

However, I am blessed to be healthy, free, and having a great life despite my insanity. I am much better now after lots of hard work on my head.

 I used to believe I had to say and do fearful, terrifying, dangerous acts or something bad would happen. 

Now, I cope with my ocd demons with words and actions that are restricted to my own, safe, trustworthy and lasting coping mechanisms. I no longer have to be afraid of what I will do with ocd urges. I will do nothing outside of  the confines my mind. All work is done in my internal premises. 
. 
Knowing that acting out is futile and destructive 100% of the time is my new reality. It took many long years and much suffering to accept myself with the flaws in my personality. But, the payoff in peace of mind and tranquility is well worth it.

 I admit, Staying in control is brutally hard. Emotions are so strong with any addiction. Now, there is no more self imposed, legal, medical, or personal trouble. I fear no consequences of aberrant behavior. I do not do it. 

I realized that permanent solutions come from within. I am rewarded daily for not acting out because there are so many triggers tempting all of us addicts.  

I've gotten better by changing how I think, live, interact, and relate. I am in recovery and have been for a long time. I know about recovery from being in Gamblers Anonymous (GA) for over 11 years without placing a bet. 

All addictions are very similar. They are all nothing but abnormal urges. It is just about how they are coped with. Tough stuff to accept but accepting powerlessness is the only answer no matter what you are addicted to. Throw up that white flag.

I am powerless and I always will be over my addictions so I do not act on them.

I never realized, as I do now, that I had an incurable disease. I could never surrender and say "David, you cannot cure this condition by any external measures. The solution lies only within. 

I have learned how to talk to become friends with myself. It works.

 Medicine,  meditation, therapy, support groups, working out, writing and talking to others does wonders for ocd sufferers and for other addictive disorders. Just stop wasting that good mind. 

Ocd comes in so many forms. It is a supremely complex condition that only a very small percentage of people are afflicted with to a serious degree. Everyone understands ocd to some degree but are  far from being incapacitated from it. Then there is us.   

 Fortunately, the mind is a resilient structure. Change the focus and the picture becomes different quickly. That is not an easy assignment as many of you know.      

 My ocd and all ocd boils down to a fear of living with anxiety and fear. Sounds simple and logical but it is not.
The triggers are so emotional and irrational that it is very hard to think logically when that dog barks or that person insults me.    

It's not me it's my ocd is an easy concept to understand intellectually but a brutally hard concept to apply emotionally.

But, it can be done and provides real relief if one can accept it.   

 So, it is real progress when that ocd urge takes second position to the comfort of knowing that you do not have to do anything externally to cope with it. 

One just has to realize what is happening with our addictions whatever they are. 

That is relief. No more jumping into the cage with the lion.
OCD cannot be cured so why try.  Addictions cannot be cured. Only arrested. That is as good as it gets and that is good enough.
My fight is over. 
End your fight.

Surrender and get help.
Now.  
It's the only answer.
Go to Google.

  

DEFEAT TRUMP IN 2020 SO HE CAN GO TO JAIL

What kind of totally ignorant, block headed, brainwashed, obtuse asshole do you have to be to not believe that Trump engaged in corruption throughout his term so far?

He betrayed his oath of office as soon as he got inaugurated. Every one of those gutless, cowardly, brainwashed Republican pieces of garbage Senators knows that. 

Why?

Doesn't continuing to support this loudmouth, spoiled brat, narcissistic President make it okay for anyone out there to disregard the law and do any unlawful and illegal things they wish to do?

If scum ball Trump can makes himself above the law then so can anyone else. Trump has set a new, low bar for the lawbreakers of America. 

 Whatever criminal action you engage in it seems you will not be punished if you have money and friends and supporters in high places. 

You, Mr. Dishonest John and Jane, just say fuck you to anyone who demands you observe or obey any law. After all, if the Commander-In-Chief can do what he wants than so can you.

So, scummy Trump. You have been a fine role model for our nation. You have shown all of us that if a person refuses to obey subpoenas, decides to commit fraud, obstructs justice, or whatever else it is than you can plead the Trump defense. 

I am above the law.

So, sadly that is now where our country stands. When all is said and done it is okay to be a criminal.

Why? 

Because President Trumps is telling us to. He is leading by his deeds.

Aren't you proud of President Donald J. Trump all you Trumpers?

Trump is showing us we can all be criminals just like him.

Help !!

Defeat this hunk of garbage in the 2020 election.

Than, he can be indicted for his numerous crimes and maybe be sentenced to jail.

Cleaning prison toilets is something this stable genius can possibly do. 

Come on fellow Americans. Don't let Trump get away with his abuses of power.

Defeat him.