BULLIED

 First time I remember getting bullied I was standing in line at the entrance to my grammar school. I was 9 years old. A kid who was my size and in my grade asked me if I'd ever been kicked in the balls. I said " what are balls?" He launched his foot into my  scrotum and I fell down in pain. He, and a few other kids stood over me with a few asking if I was ok. I recovered and whined "yes, I'm ok" to everyone.  The bully stood there just grinning proudly. I asked him why he kicked me and he said that he felt like it and did I want to do anything about it? "No." I whimpered.  I was scared to death he would kick me again."Well" he said "you're a pussy". I muttered back" just leave me alone".

 When I came home and told my much older brother Lloyd what had happened" he screamed "you better stand up to that kid  as soon as you see him or you'll be setting yourself up for getting bullied your whole life". I said "but I'm scared he'll hurt me. Lloyd stuck up his hand. "Punch this hand as hard as you can until you can't punch anymore. I did.  I was a skinny, tall kid, strong with natural co-ordination. Finally, after I was drenched in sweat Lloyd said "ok, that's good". You walk up to that kid and say nothing and then you start swinging  at his face the same way you were punching my hand.. Can you do it?' I looked at my brothers hopeful eyes. He loved me so much. He rubbed my head. "When you see him just do it" Don't think" My brother was everything to me. He was my idol and hero. A tremendous athlete, a good looking guy with a ton of friends, and tough as nails with a great heart.

 I wanted to make him proud of me.. 

I could not sleep all night scared to death.

The next day the kid was outside standing alone at recess. I knew what I had to do but did not have the guts to attack him. 

That dilemma would be the predicate of almost my entire life sending me to shrinks, jail, getting kicked out of schools.and being a total idiot. I've spent and still spend countless time and money 70 years later trying to redeem my manhood by acting out or being tormented by my OCD brain obsessed about anticipating physical confrontations. I have been in or backed out of. millions of encounters which left me dysfunctional many times. t started with my failing to fulfill my brothers orders.

I'm still trying to get back that day that I was too afraid to start swinging at that kid.

Now, I feel I have accepted myself but it took so long.

It took overwhelming time and study to improve mentally with lots of therapy.. I never gained anything by fighting or confrontations except trouble..

If you have a mental disorder of any kind Google and get help..