"I wish to confess" said the big man in front of the microphone with enormous attendance at the Mall and many millions glued to televisions and radios throughout the United States and the world.
Word had spread quickly. The disgraced ex-president had called a press conference amid rumors that he would be speaking very soon about urgent matters.
Torrents of sweat dripped off his face as he picked up the mic and held it while peering at the monstrously huge crowd gathered in Washington awaiting his words.
Another seventy five million people throughout the country were staring into television sets, computers, and every other viewing and listening device.
"That big lie that you all know about that I have been spreading and that many of you believe about the 2020 election being stolen from me is just that. A big lie,
Nobody stole the 2020 election from me. Joe Biden won the presidential election fair and square. I made up the stolen election lie just as I have made up almost everything else I have told you. I haven't stopped lying since I won the 2016 election by some miracle."
"You know why? Because I don't know any more about being President than the man in the moon. I didn't know the first thing about actually campaigning and debating So, I created this Trump charcter that you have all bought into. Also, I never cared about trying to find out any of the things that Presidents like Obama, Clinton, and others know.
One thing after another fell my way and the next thing I knew I was taking that escalator down to the lobby and being prepared to get inaugurated.
Then, I'm supposed to be at all these different meetings, events, strategy sessions, and I'm being asked hard questions just like when I was in school and never had any answers.
That's why I hid my IQ scores. I have barely average intelligence.
I thought I could get away forever with screaming about the border wall, crime, illegal aliens, fake news, while insulting people and places,while I kept all of you cheering for me without me having to do a thing except be a cheerleader.
I was stuffing my pockets, taking care of my supporters and my kids and thinking that I really had hustled and conned the whole country and part of the world.
Then, I got unlucky and the pandemic came, the economy went into the toilet, and the 2020 election was coming. I was amazed that about half the country was still listening to me and in fact the worse things got the more some lost souls fell in love with me.
I am just a New York street hustler but I do know how to work a sucker and I know how to bully people. To my surprise I realized that I could control the Republican party because the idiot Representatives and Senators were scared shitless that I would ruin them and they would be out of office.
I realized that I had to win the election or I likely would get destroyed for all the law breaking iand unconstitutional things I had done.
Now, thank goodness for Joe Biden. He will hopefully clean up my mess.
This confession is coming because I made a deal with the Justice Dept. They agreed to drop any charges against my kids and myself in exchange for me telling the truth and giving up the power and control I have over you.
But, you have to come through for me one more time so they won't prosecute me. You all need to start supporting good people who are mostly Democrats.
They have to see guys like McCarthy, McConnell, and that whole batch of nasty allies of mine lose their power That means you must stop giving them money. Also, you must start making political decisions on who is right and who is wrong morally rather than politically.
If the Justice Dept sees that happening over the course of two years then they will drop all charges against me.
If not, I agreed go to jail for twenty five years.
Come on, give me a break. We had some fun.
