I was
just a little five year old boy waiting in line to be let into my
first grade class. It was 1953 at a Chicago Elementary school named
De-Witt Clinton located on the north side of the city where I grew
up.
It
was the first day of the semester and I did not know many of the
forty or so kids in line also waiting to go to their first day of class.
For
no reason a boy I had never seen before walked in front of me and
said "Hey kid, ever been kicked in the balls?"
"No",
I innocently answered.
He
then kicked me squarely in my small crotch. I doubled over in pain,
went down, and started to cry.
As
I caught my breath and stood up the last thing on my mind was hitting
or retaliating against him. I was too scared and ashamed.
The
other kids standing around laughed at my misery. They taunted me mercilessly. "Fight, fight, fight," they screamed.
I
felt humiliated and victimized.
I
already knew what bullying was and had seen it done to others.
I
knew I had been had.
Instinctively, I knew that attacking Larry, who was standing there laughing, was theonly move but I was too afraid to act.
I
could not overcome that horrid feeling of being afraid to fight..
That
was the first time I remember being bullied. It would not be the
last.
Many
others also bullied me throughout my life.
I did
not stand up for myself or others countless times because I was
scared to. Being intimidated became part of my soul.
That
nauseating feeling of fear turned out to be the core of my frightened existence.
Being
intimidated and cowardly has been the paralyzing demon that has
controlled my mind. Either actions or words can cow me.
After
being targeted continually I learned quickly that bullies can be
dealt with by guys with the courage to fight which I did not have.
I never learned until much later there were other ways to deal with bullies.
So,
I became more and more incapacitated around people who I judged to be
tough and macho.
A
bullying victim must suffer devastating consequences both internally
and externally. I did and do.
Even
after much therapy and understanding that my fears of being bullied
are usually irrational and incorrect it did not change the self
loathing I have always felt.
Much
later in life I would intentionally face terrifying and dangerous
situations to rid myself of the feeling of being a coward.
I
faced and fought bullies.
I
would feel better for a while or conversely make a situation much
worse when retaliating against someone who I thought had physically
or mentally bullied me.
Either
way, the feeling of fear always returned.
Another bully has always
been there because the real bully is my mind.
I
have not been able to live with the incurable emotion that I will
always be vulnerable around people who intimidate me.
I
have struggled valiantly to the point that I now have to resist the
impulse to fight rather then surrender to it.
Like any addiction (ocd) demands resisting an urge. I am better now
but it is like carrying boulders on my shoulders each day.
It is
always flight or fight in my tormented mind. It's a paradox because
whether I fight or fly the cowardly feeling in me waits patiently to take
charge again.
Now, it's mostly words and deeds rather than physical action. But, it is all the same in my brain.
My
life is all about relieving that intimidated feeling that never
rests. The answer lies in self acceptance.
It can be found at times
and than vanishes.
I'm
perpetually on guard for any situation where I fear I may get that
cowardly feeling in my stomach and mistakenly think that only facing
fear will relieve it.
Allowing
the feeling of fear to desensitize without doing anything is the real answer. That comes with much therapy. (ocd) Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is tough as nails to battle but therapy works.
I
learned that the real objective is to accept the fearful feelings and
not flee from them but let them live without becoming paralyzed by them.
I
continue the endless battle to not react to those around me who
instill fear in me.
Now, not
acting out is my answer but I cannot ever forget what Larry did to
me.
.