Eating Strawberries and Whip Cream With My Hands Is No Big Deal?

The argument is about strawberries!! Really. strawberries. My girlfriend is all pissy tonight. She did not want to go out. She is too tired. I said fine. Good with me. Anyway, we usually get along. I'm this 70 year old Jewish, divorced guy who started another life in Florida after living in Chicago until four months ago. I met my wonderful, absolutely brilliant and indescribably gorgeous girlfriend a few months ago. Now, we live together. We both are retired and she takes care of me like a baby. She loves me crazy, crazy and I love her the same way. I am kind of an entitled, spoiled brat who does not follow normal protocols in many areas .My girlfriend does not mind my being kind of sloppy, impulsive, demanding and I am willing to accept her being habitually late, being lovingly domineering,and needing lights and TVs turned off way too early. I'ts all good usually. 
But, not tonight.

 Well, she got out of bed for a snack. I followed her to the kitchen. 
I love strawberries and whip cream which I made a big bowl of. I never learned how to eat certain foods properly so  I go primitive and use my hands sometimes.

Tonight, Connie went nuts about me eating the berries and whip cream with my fingers.

 I thought nothing of it until she totally went off on me. "Honey, she screeched. What are you doing eating with your hands like that"? "What's the big deal I answered" She said "you eat like a pig" "Huh", I responded. "No one, not even little babies eat with their hands like you." "so, big deal" I answered? 

"No honey, no way. "I'm going to take pictures of you eating like that and send them to your kids" Than, she left the room and took her snack to another room. I followed her trying to make my case. She would not bite.  So, after she would not accept my explanations I became a baby and would not follow her back to the bedroom as she asked me to.

 Than, she told me "Why don't you write about this" See what your audience thinks"
"Ok", I said.
So, w hat do you think about eating strawberries and whip cream with your fingers?  

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Compulsive Gambling and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

A realization dawned on me this morning when I woke up a few hours earlier than  normal. I was not tired but actually inspired. I wanted badly to write in my beloved blog which unfortunately does not love me back because I have been writing forever on Google Blogger but I have not attained the $100.00 mark in earnings needed to get a payout by Google.

The above is not nearly the focus of this article. It could be. I get distracted.

This is about how I see the relationship between Compulsive Gambling and Obsessive/ Compulsive Disorder. (OCD)

I am, sorrowfully, an expert in both areas considering my tortured, devastating, overwhelmingly painful, lifelong experiences with both disorders. 

 A little background. I am a seventy year old, single male in reasonably good health. I'm retired on very little money even though I made millions. I lost most of the money gambling. Yes!!

Just so you know. I'm sidelined because of an Achilles heal injury that I have been struggling with for eight weeks.  I blew it out playing senior softball and it is taking forever to heal. Consequently, I cannot do much now other then swim and stretch because I will just hurt it again.  
 Alright alright, I'll write.

 I figured I'd tell you all that so you don't think I'm a total waste just sitting at a poker table, eating a double cheeseburger and obsessing about lost dreams.  Or, writing only because I'm busted. No.
Writing is something I love to do and it is wonderful therapy. It also makes me feel like I am making a lasting contribution to someone. I have never injured my leg writing, either.

 I have lived an interesting life filled with the type of experiences in almost every aspect of it that fills novels and movies. I have been given a huge share of good fortune with health and family.  My life has also been both extraordinarily happy and brutally sad but has never been boring. I know, I still have not started writing about what I intended to write about.
That is because I have trouble staying focused. 
Deal with it!!

Ok. Thanks for indulging me. I'm now ready, after that little self help, to write about what I think is the connection between compulsive gambling and obsessive compulsive disorder. 

When a person is a compulsive gambler they are controlled by a continual urge to gamble. It does not matter what type of gambling they do whether it's horses, stocks, poker, or lottery tickets. It is an urge that stays with every compulsive gambler for life. That urge seems, incorrectly, to be all about money. Winning and losing. Ironically, it has nothing to do with either. It is only about the action that is craved by every compulsive gambler no matter what the game or the stakes.

The same principle applies with obsessive/compulsive disorder. It has nothing to do with one really being concerned about whether the lights or water or whatever else is turned off or was left on. 

I suffer from only obsessional thinking. Not  compulsive checking and hand washing etc. It stays in my head.  I get some physically fearful thought and I feel that to get relief I have to act it out. Like walking down a dark alley, facing a wild animal,  standing up to a violent person. Confronting danger. Physically fighting used to be what I would force myself to do because I was bullied when I was young and can still easily feel bullied. I have been consumed by fear and have struggled to find relief by misguided ways to prove my manhood.

Acting out is wrong. That applies to all urges. Taking action to get relief seems to be the answer. Whether its placing a bet, checking the lights or jumping into a lions cage. It is not ever right. 
Understanding that both ocd urges and gambling urges can only be accepted and dealt with psychologically is critical.. That  is the only way to get lasting relief. Urges must be dealt with from within. 

.Accepting the reality that you have a disease centered on an abnormal urge you must live with is the real answer. There are no other solutions to any addictions other than abstaining. You gotta stop. Giving in to sick urges to gamble or to engage in obsessive compulsive behavior cannot succeed for anyone. The same is true across the board for all addictions. 
They can never be cured by engaging them. 
 Only with acceptance and help comes legitimate relief. 

Checking the gas or making one more bet will never be the answer.
 But, it takes very hard work. Find a group, a therapist, or whatever enables you to face the reality of 
your addictive problems. Get into it. Your life will change for the better. Guaranteed.

Actually, it's comforting to know my addictions are not my or any of our faults. Than, we know that we are blameless until we understand. Than, if we do not stop it is our fault. New damages are on us addicts once we know better. 

 Addicts cannot act alone. We all need others like us. Twelve step programs are critical. Find one. There is a program for everyone. You have to want to recover.

 I used to have a constant urge to gamble on anything. Sometimes I still do. Than, I would lose or win. It did not matter. I could not stop until I had lost all my money. Than, I could not wait to find a few pennies or a few hundred thousand dollars to gamble with again. But, it is only about the action. Not the money. Honest. 

 I have stolen, defrauded, stolen other peoples money, lied, cheated and been in terrible legal trouble and physical danger. I was a horrible husband and father. But, I would never stop gambling. Gambling was my ultimate lover who I could escape to. The lover who would always love me.  

Finally, after joining and failing in Gamblers Anonymous several times I came back to a GA meeting on January 9, 2009 and have not gambled a penny since then. If I bet anything right now I'd be into full blown gambling immediately. I know that. So does every compulsive gambler.

 I have suffered for fifty of my seventy years gambling almost everyday no matter what.  Family, business, romance,  ravaging obsessive compulsive disorder, or anything else I was into came second. Gambling came first. I gambled away at least two million dollars of money I earned in a newspaper I founded, family inheritance money, bank loans and personal loans. The amount is irrelevant though.

I stopped gambling because I knew I would die, go insane, or end up in jail if I kept on.
  Finally, it was just because I was sick of being sick that I gave it up. I surrendered to the fact that I was powerless over gambling.
Jail, psychiatrists, loving friends and family, beautiful kids and a great wife did not stop me. Survival did. I decided I wanted to be a better person.  

My brain is wired wrong when it comes to addictions. It can be obsessive compulsive disorder, gambling, alcohol, sex, food or just about anything. Research has shown addicts are powerless in trying to control their addictions unless they accept them and decide not to give in to any of the urges. 
Also, I realized that I could not stop my addiction without group help, therapy, and forgiving myself. .
So, I will do that as of today, May 29, 2019. 
Again.
You do it too. Google your addiction. Get help.

  

Dancing With A Limp

Once again my merciless girlfriend made me drag  my beaten up 71 year old body to this Saturday night dance at the senior complex we live in. I destroyed my Achilles tendon about 8 weeks ago playing senior softball. I've been rehabbing every day both at home and in a rehab center. She is oblivious to my misery. She loves to dance. She thinks that just because I can walk, albeit limping along, that I'm good enough to dance. She is wrong.