David struggles to emerge from the giant bed that takes up about half of his studio apartment at the top of an old, stately, classy building on Chicago's lakefront. This sixty nine year old tall, grey haired, fair skinned Jewish guy struggles to get his arthritic and chronically pain ridden body out of that big bed that he often lies in for unconscionable amounts of time to escape the ferocious obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) that torments him.
David is happy today. Many days he is rendered entirely helpless in his otherwise healthy body, his OCD forcing him to lie in bed completely oblivious to anything other then the torment raging in his brain. He hardly exists. He usually stares at the ceiling thinking and thinking continually about something he is afraid to do but must.
Today, he feels relief. He has a clear mind in so far as not needing to do something scary to relieve an irrational OCD demand. Today, he just feels depressed and helpless about his miserable life but happily, without fear. to accompany his thoughts. It's a good day so far.
There is no pending need to perform a dangerous mission. Previously, over the years, he had walked through the barriers of terror to do many things despite being terrified. Facing physical fear was the only thing that relieved his obsessions. Nothing has changed very much in over fifty years. Sometimes craziness worked. But most of the time his actions had created additional overwhelming problems unnecessarily.
One example of many obsessions occurred a few weeks before. .
The task was to find the deliveryman who spoke harshly and insultingly to a little old lady in Davids garage.
This little lady was unable to drive her car quickly enough through the garage exit gate to satisfy the nasty looking loudmouth deliveryman waiting behind her to exit. He honked and screamed at her because was having trouble with the electronic door. She looked so overwhelmed and scared by this howling asshole.
David is happy today. Many days he is rendered entirely helpless in his otherwise healthy body, his OCD forcing him to lie in bed completely oblivious to anything other then the torment raging in his brain. He hardly exists. He usually stares at the ceiling thinking and thinking continually about something he is afraid to do but must.
Today, he feels relief. He has a clear mind in so far as not needing to do something scary to relieve an irrational OCD demand. Today, he just feels depressed and helpless about his miserable life but happily, without fear. to accompany his thoughts. It's a good day so far.
There is no pending need to perform a dangerous mission. Previously, over the years, he had walked through the barriers of terror to do many things despite being terrified. Facing physical fear was the only thing that relieved his obsessions. Nothing has changed very much in over fifty years. Sometimes craziness worked. But most of the time his actions had created additional overwhelming problems unnecessarily.
One example of many obsessions occurred a few weeks before. .
The task was to find the deliveryman who spoke harshly and insultingly to a little old lady in Davids garage.
This little lady was unable to drive her car quickly enough through the garage exit gate to satisfy the nasty looking loudmouth deliveryman waiting behind her to exit. He honked and screamed at her because was having trouble with the electronic door. She looked so overwhelmed and scared by this howling asshole.
David watched as the lady had the courage to get out of her car, and walk slowly over to the bullies car and stick her face against his window while shaking her finger at him imploring that he show her civility and respect. David had sat frozen with fear as he watched yet another occurrence in his long life of cowardliness. He should have jumped out of his car and came to her defense. He did nothing. He was relieved to drive away without stepping in to defend the lady. The delivery guy left without further incident. David again had turned the other cheek.
In truth, he felt no legitimate desire to rectify this injustice. He did not know or care about this woman. But he immediately knew he would not be able to get his act of cowardliness out of his head without taking action against this nasty delivery guy. He knew he would not be able to rest until he tracked the guy down and confronted him and maybe punched him. That is the way these situations always evolved. Another unrelenting and mentally punishing unnecessary act to perform.
It is all about the fear and anxiety that takes ownership of Davids soul. He felt personally victimized and bullied by witnessing the delivery guy bully the old lady. He actually cared nothing about her. David cares only about himself.
He goes into a state of morbid fear and anxiety. It is historical. It started when David was a 5 year old child who looked up to his bigger then life brother. The feelings of cowardliness brother Leslie instilled had never left him. Leslie said" go outside and fight" the little neighborhood boys who often bullied David. They were jeering at him outside his window one memorable day. Leslie watched as David looked at them and trembled. "Go ahead David, you have to fight" I won't let you get hurt. Just punch one of them in the face as hard as you can. Then, they will leave you alone".
David could only cry big tears as he stood frozen as his brother screamed "chickenshit" at him for standing and crying instead of going outside and fighting." Now get out there and start swinging" Leslie again implored.. David was too afraid. He would not go outside and fight. "I give up on you" "I am embarrassed". You are a coward". I am done with you" he screamed. He meant every word. He wrote David off that day and David knew it.
David feels almost perpetually victimized and bullied 55 plus years later. He must face any physical fear, real or imagined, and take action He has faced danger many times sometimes with terrible consequences including serious injury and legal problems All to relieve that childhood fear and always failing to succeed for long.. All to prove misdirected courage. All to feel like the man that Leslie wanted him to be. All to prove he did have the courage to go outside and fight the bullies.
This time a deliveryman set him off. .
He cannot rest until he has unburdened himself of the immobilizing fear and anxiety he feels until a bully is confronted. The deliveryman was the new bully. There have been hundreds of deliverymen who have invaded Davids mind.
David cannot let go of the urge to respond to any incident where he thinks he should have stood up to a bully and did not. He becomes overwhelmed by an obsession supported by terrible fear and anxiety. He must confront the bully. Then, the obsession either leaves or is exacerbated.
Its all about his OCD which David understands intellectually but will not confront. He cannot give himself a break. He cannot take comfort in having a mental disease that is out of his control. So, the punishment goes on and on and on. David goes from one obsession to another. Powerless.
Obsessive compulsive disorder is all about the urge to go back and check to see if the door is locked, the lights are turned off, or any other abnormal concern that most people know about from the Jack Nicholson movie "As Good As It Gets" OCD can be completely internal with a need to do something dangerous or it can be checking and rechecking doors, lights, germs, washing hands over and over or anything else so something terrible does not happen.
OCD is continual flawed torture of the mind with thoughts or urges that cannot be dispelled until action is taken over and over. .
It is all about the fear and anxiety that takes ownership of Davids soul. He felt personally victimized and bullied by witnessing the delivery guy bully the old lady. He actually cared nothing about her. David cares only about himself.
He goes into a state of morbid fear and anxiety. It is historical. It started when David was a 5 year old child who looked up to his bigger then life brother. The feelings of cowardliness brother Leslie instilled had never left him. Leslie said" go outside and fight" the little neighborhood boys who often bullied David. They were jeering at him outside his window one memorable day. Leslie watched as David looked at them and trembled. "Go ahead David, you have to fight" I won't let you get hurt. Just punch one of them in the face as hard as you can. Then, they will leave you alone".
David could only cry big tears as he stood frozen as his brother screamed "chickenshit" at him for standing and crying instead of going outside and fighting." Now get out there and start swinging" Leslie again implored.. David was too afraid. He would not go outside and fight. "I give up on you" "I am embarrassed". You are a coward". I am done with you" he screamed. He meant every word. He wrote David off that day and David knew it.
David feels almost perpetually victimized and bullied 55 plus years later. He must face any physical fear, real or imagined, and take action He has faced danger many times sometimes with terrible consequences including serious injury and legal problems All to relieve that childhood fear and always failing to succeed for long.. All to prove misdirected courage. All to feel like the man that Leslie wanted him to be. All to prove he did have the courage to go outside and fight the bullies.
This time a deliveryman set him off. .
He cannot rest until he has unburdened himself of the immobilizing fear and anxiety he feels until a bully is confronted. The deliveryman was the new bully. There have been hundreds of deliverymen who have invaded Davids mind.
David cannot let go of the urge to respond to any incident where he thinks he should have stood up to a bully and did not. He becomes overwhelmed by an obsession supported by terrible fear and anxiety. He must confront the bully. Then, the obsession either leaves or is exacerbated.
Its all about his OCD which David understands intellectually but will not confront. He cannot give himself a break. He cannot take comfort in having a mental disease that is out of his control. So, the punishment goes on and on and on. David goes from one obsession to another. Powerless.
Obsessive compulsive disorder is all about the urge to go back and check to see if the door is locked, the lights are turned off, or any other abnormal concern that most people know about from the Jack Nicholson movie "As Good As It Gets" OCD can be completely internal with a need to do something dangerous or it can be checking and rechecking doors, lights, germs, washing hands over and over or anything else so something terrible does not happen.
OCD is continual flawed torture of the mind with thoughts or urges that cannot be dispelled until action is taken over and over. .
So, today David is basking in the glory of another fearful confrontation coming to an end. He had given in to the urge by acting out instead of living with the obsession as cognitive therapy dictates and dealing with it internally. But, Davids mind was now clear and it was so easy to forget the therapeutic rules of OCD that David again violated. A clear mind at least for now. A rare occasion and a day for celebration. Like a mental vacation.
David had finally called the company and with a little b.s." and found out that the guy who hassled the old lady was at another building nearby. He saw the guys truck with him in it and pulled up next to it. He got out and the guy saw David and rolled down his window. "Can I help you sir"? Yes, said David.." Please don't harass and insult anyone in my building again. Do you remember that older lady at 4444 Early st? "Yeah" Well you had no need to hassle her while she tried to leave"."Fine" he said." It was no big deal sir" he offered. "It was to me" David said mostly to himself as. the guy pulled away. Relief for David.. Another mission to rescue his peace of mind was completed .Confrontation completed.
So, after that was over David was a new man. He could at last enjoy some food or drink or spending a little time with his grandchildren or friends or something other then thinking 24/7 about this guy with torturous fear and anxiety. His stomach opened and the anxiety left. .
Peace of mind is Davids most critical minute by minute objective. He desperately needs to feel safe.
David had finally called the company and with a little b.s." and found out that the guy who hassled the old lady was at another building nearby. He saw the guys truck with him in it and pulled up next to it. He got out and the guy saw David and rolled down his window. "Can I help you sir"? Yes, said David.." Please don't harass and insult anyone in my building again. Do you remember that older lady at 4444 Early st? "Yeah" Well you had no need to hassle her while she tried to leave"."Fine" he said." It was no big deal sir" he offered. "It was to me" David said mostly to himself as. the guy pulled away. Relief for David.. Another mission to rescue his peace of mind was completed .Confrontation completed.
So, after that was over David was a new man. He could at last enjoy some food or drink or spending a little time with his grandchildren or friends or something other then thinking 24/7 about this guy with torturous fear and anxiety. His stomach opened and the anxiety left. .
Peace of mind is Davids most critical minute by minute objective. He desperately needs to feel safe.
Meanwhile, he wants to leave his mark in this world .He can think of no other major mark he can leave as his legacy besides his beautiful kids. There has to be more.
To make a life long story short David decides he must gain lasting redemption. He must do something big in this world. There has to be a legacy for his wasted life. He wants fame and fortune and respect in any order.
David decides that he must write a great autobiography to justify a life in which he has gambled away a fortune, been an irresponsible loafer, been a drug addict, a liar, a cheat, and a serial bum with no contribution except his beautiful, grown children. He thinks of the one thing he can do. Write.
Hopefully, some people with OCD will be inspired. OCD has played a huge part in his life and the life of so many others. Depression, anxiety, all the addictions are all in one big unfriendly family of mental illness.
Maybe there will be some value for another person afflicted with OCD or something else..
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