Depression and loneliness are colliding within me at a furious pace. It's hard to tell which one is heavier. I am so shrunken internally from the bombardment my demons have launched against me that I feel inhuman. I am walking around like the mere atom I have long felt I would reduced to someday which is today.

I just came back from out of town. I went to Arizona hoping to make a magical connection with someone from long ago. Instead, we were both left looking at my shrunken penis which would not work it's old

 magic which is all she was really interested in. Instead, I left there still trying to explain why I    couldn't get it up. How could Viagra have failed me at such a critical time? It was not as if failing
 with her had not meant a lot. It meant everything.

Back here I have  no job, no friends who are available when I need them to be, no money which I have gambled away, and a neighbor who has me sleepless as I lay there and listen for when he will start sawing and drilling against my wall as he sets up his condominium.

I look at all the men, women, and children all leading purposeful lives at the sports club I'm at where I am hidden away writing this dribble. I am so empty inside.

My long time girlfriend just left town yesterday to go back to her long time boyfriend who does not  know about me. She really does love me but is unable to help me in my horrid mental state. She will be on the phone tomorrow calling me with the names of psychiatrists who she will demand I see. She will pay since she can and I have no faith that any of them will be able to even get a conversation going with me let alone help me. I need medicine for my head as well as years of psychotherapy and I am already sixty five. Ha!

So, tonight at 7.30 there is a Gamblers Anonymous meeting that I always attend. It is  about 3.30 pm now

There seems to be no outs for me.