I have OCD short for obsessive compulsive disorder. If you don't know about it or don't have it then Google it. I have the kind of OCD where thinking over and over about performing some act that I think requires physical courage consumes my life. Today, I just woke up after sleeping 14 hours. For what? Because I do not want to give in to an obsession to call someone and report an unimportant act of rudeness to an old lady I witnessed. I'm hiding from myself.
This van driver was in the driveway of my high rise building. This older lady, who I do not know, was blocked in the parking lot entrance. He thought she had enough room to move around him. He would not move and she kept yelling at him. The frustrated lady jumped out of her car and started yelling at the dope He moved but as he moved he screamed "bitch" at her.
I was also going to get out of my car and confront the guy when the lady confronted him. I don't know why I did not. Maybe because it happened too fast, because I knew nothing would come of it, because the guy moved and it was over, or whatever my thinking was at the time. I just watched though. Immediately afterward I called the manager of the building to report the incident only to find out a month later she did no follow up to report this disrespectful guy to his company. I had gone on at length about the need for her to do something at the time because of his abusiveness.
I started to get locked into the thought that I should of gotten out of my car and helped the lady. Personal fear was not the issue. I have gotten into many hassles taking action in similar situations even where a physical altercation developed. I have also chickened out of other of the same situations. I have done much scarier things then walk up to that guy and assist the lady in her problem with him. But that time I didn't.
Going any further with this situation would now be sick. I know how to be sick and act out. I know how to work out obsessions mentally. I know it is not about courage which is what I once thought it was. Proving physical courage started me on this whole road long to convince myself of my misconception of the definition of manhood.
It's all about feeling bullied and not letting it happen. But, I have it wrong. I always have.
My attempt to face the fear of being bullied has dominated my life. That is what this is about. Courage has been my personal demon. In many instances I have confronted people or unnecessarily started fights just to ease my brain about an insult or other action I felt I had to respond to. It has almost never been about the actual event. It is always about the horrible feeling I get after I think I should have acted and didn't.
Yes. there are times to face fear and fight. This is not that.
So, after I cannot stand being consumed around the clock for days, weeks, months, and even years by something that made me feel like a coward I have gone back to find someone in order to settle my brain. I literally cannot function when I get caught in an OCD trap. Then, the real problems have started. Trouble is waiting for those that try to chase the past incorrectly.
It has been a mixed bag of me taking enormous and mostly unnecessary risks to relieve the urge to confront someone by speaking out or fighting. There have also been times where I did not act because of fear. I admit that.
I have ravaged my life having nothing on my mind except confronting some guy who made an offensive remark to me or someone else. I also have shown remarkable pure guts many times by facing someone in a situation where I know I will get my brains beat out or by facing real danger when someone is being attacked. I have proved I have real guts but it doesn't help the next time.
It is almost never is about the other person either. The victim or the bully. It is always to ease my own mind. It is always about me feeling bullied and not being able to feel better until I act out in some crazy way. I have had a lot of therapy with and without medicine. I have done a lot of Zen, read a lot of books, been in groups. I am also a compulsive gambler clean for over 4 years so I know about the 12 steps..
I have worked on my OCD problem ever since I learned what it was. I have mostly been a failure. I know that I can get rid of obsessive urges internally. Hard work has enabled that.But, I always want to act out inappropriately
I am still bad at letting things that trigger me go. So, my new thing was that once I found out the manager of my building did nothing to get that driver reprimanded I started to think I should report him. As soon as I got that thought I recognized it as OCD. I quickly deduced that getting satisfaction now involved doing a whole bunch of OCD steps that would only complicate a situation that now calls for doing nothing. Absolutely nothing. Doing anything externally will only entangle me.
I don't even know that lady or care about her being called a bitch. That is irrelevant now. The only relevant thing is that I started to feel I must take some action now when it's too late. That's what destroys me. It has in the past. It's a recipe for disaster even when it works. Acting out is not the solution. It's the problem. It perpetuates the disease instead of stopping it.
The point is that I want to let this urge to do something go. I have proved to myself I can do that without taking any external action. Because, if I act on this obsession there will just be another and another as there has been for forty years.
So, I'm not afraid to act. I just don't want to nourish my OCD episode. Feeding it gives my condition life for the next time. I have stood before judges, had my eye almost knocked out, and driven myself literally crazy in the past. I could recount a huge amount of similar instances like this one. I am lucky to be able to not be tormented by anything other then this new, small issue. I will treat it correctly.
I know so much about this disorder but it destroys me still. I feel so good when I clear my mind the right way.The wrong way does not last. I am winning
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