Thursday, January 19, 2017

OCD Screenplay -Rough First Draft

                                                     A First Draft On  An OCD Crisis

David on a continual mission to prove his manhood to himself so he can feel ok inside. Physical fighting is still the cornerstone. This night david and deb are out with another couple to dinner. It is while they ar engaged

Table of people out to dinner near davids table.They are drunk, loud and profane.

Guy-So, the fucken guy comes up to me

D-Losing appetite due to intimidation. Feels he will have to confront this guy

D-Moves over to table. Leans over.

D-Would you guyds please hold back on the profanity. Its embarrassing

Gut at tablet alking about his loud friend.


Don’t worry about it. Hes just a little drundk. Well keep it down.

D-thank you

Loudmouth-Fuck off

D-Two short jbs to the loudmouths fat face.

Everone at loudmouths table stands up.


Want to take it outside

D-says nothing hoping it will not go outside.

Al-guy at davids table. Come on.Lets get out of here.

Al-I have never seen anything like the balls you just showed as the loudmouths drive away and david is safe.

Deb-whay did you do that?

D-they were being rude and loud

I didn’t even hear them.

Al-your boyfriend is my hero. Everyone wants to stand up to assholes like those.


David-lets go for a drink somewhere else.

Group leaves for another bar

Uneventful rest of night.

David goes home to his apartment alone afte driving deb back to her parents.

David turns up the volume on his police scanner.

Neighbor pounds on the wall indicating to turn down radio. David feels intimidated again. Turns down police radio. Realizes he will be uncomfortable until he makes peace with the neighbor hwho knocked on th3e wall. He has never met that high rise neifghbor. David tries to knock on the neighbors door the next day to apologize. He only repeats the same behavior he has always engaged in. he just wants to relieve the anxiety he feels from being intimidated by the neighbor. He feels uncomfortable in his house. He knows he will continue to feel that way until he gets the relief of shaking hands with the neighbor or fighting him. He cannot then or now live with the internal discomfort discomfort of the threatening feeling he feels just living next door to this intimidating neighbor who he has never met.

D-knocks on neighbors door-Lady-answers door

D-im sorry about that noise the other night

Lady- oh, that was my boyfriend. He gets mean when his sleep is disrupted. That noise woke him. Don’t worry about it. I’ll tell him you came by

D-could I taeel him myself that im sorry?

Lady-No. He isn’t home. Ill tell him. It was nothing. Forget it

D-Ok as lady shuts the door.

David lying on bed afterword.

He decides he does not want to live in that apartment anymore. He cannot live with the anxiety. A few days later he tells deb that they should start looking for apts. David never turns on police radio again and keeps the tv very soft.

Same bullied feeeeling always that started with not being able to go outside and face the bullies back from the day that Lloyd told david to go outside and fight and david could not. Same theme for life.

Interior stein furniture

David goes to bathroom pissing again and again.

D-Dr. I cant stop pissing

Dr-its nothing. Just part of that infection I I am teating you for

D-But I just keep going and going me back if it doesn’t stop in a few days.


Pissing problem lasts for several years. David urinates an inhuman amount of times each day. It destroys his quality of life he goes to the dr over and over. Dr cannot find the cause.

D-Doc, you have done every test

Dr-almost all

Dwhat do you meanalmost

Dr-I have not done the single test that would rule out any other possibilities that are physical about your constant urination

D-whats the tet/

Dr-it’s a cystoscope where a tube is inserted in your penis so I can see everything I have not seen in all the other tests.

Dr-Just forget about it david. there is nothing wrong with you

Dr-Im getting married and I need to be right to work and to live. I cant with this continual pissing problem

Dr-you think about it


So, as david is about to geet married he desperately still seeks a way to once and for all prove his manhood thru physical courage. He also trys to find the courage to take this weel know terribly painful cystoscope test. Life is a nighmsare of anxiety.

David at stein interior-sitting and pondering

David cannot relieve the anxiety within that keeps him from having any peace of mind. He is constantly pre-occupied with the need to get into a physical confrontation that will make him feel satisified about his manlihood. He also is pissing continually thinking he has a disease dsapite repeated trips to the Dr.

The wedding is in a few months and david is in a constant state of high anxiety. He talks to no one.

David finally comes to a decision about both issues. He will seek out another guy again and pucnch him in the face just one on one. Like he has never done before.

David-walks ouit of stein onto street of downtown Chicago. He decides to bump into a tough looking character on a main downtown street and when the guy reacts angrily david will punch him in the face. David will do this among lots of people where the fight is sure to be broken up quickly.

David exterior-walking on state st

David looks oup. Coming toward him is of all l the people in the world his old time nemesis and bully dennis oloiff. David recognizes nhim even though he has not seeen him for about 10 years

D-To dennis approaching the other way.


Oliff-Recognizing david-Hey

David remembers feeling that if he did not act now then his life would be over. This was meant to be.It was a scene like in the twilight zone

Dennis starts to pass him and david garners all the courage and will he can. He lashed out and punches dennis in the mouth. Dennis goes down on the ground rom the half hearted blow. David jumps on top of him with a knww in the chest. Dennis holds his hand s in front of his face defensively trembling while awaiting the next blow.. David lets him up.

Oliff-Why did you hit me?

David-I don’t know. It was like I was in a dram and we were back in high school and you were pushing me around.

Olifff-that was over 10 yaears ago. Were you just let out of a mental institution.


Dennis-Lets just have a cup of coffee david says point;ing to a restaurant a few feet away

Dennis-Looking at david with fear but too scared to say no.


The two sit down and talk at a tble. David does not want dennis to think he needs to do something to protect himself from david. That would create another obsession

D-Dennis. This is all done. I never want to deal with you again. This was all about me

Dennis-is it out of your head now?

Yes-im sorry

Dennis-Getting ip. Get some help stein. This is really abnormal.

D-you did a lot of damage

They both leave going different directions.

David-exterior-dancing down the street.

He thinks that he is now finally done proving his version of manhood and courage to himself

Interior-back at steins

D-Lloyd, you ll never believe this


There wasa a guy who shoved me aroung in high school


I just was walking down s5tate street and saw h;im.

L-I couldn’t resist the urge to get even with him. I punched him right in the mouth

L-distracted-not really caring

L-Good. Sounds like he had it coming

David at home at moters house ecstatic

David-to old best friend Mike.

D-So, Im walking down the street and I see oliff. Remember him

M-whatever happened to him

D-i don’t know but I do know what I did when I saw him.


I punched him in the face


D_Because of all the times he made shit out of me

M-What did he do

D-he went down like a sack of shit trembling and hoping I wouldn’t keep hitting him

M-what'd you do?

D-I let him up

M-then what

D-i convinced him to go for a cup of coffee so I could explain myself

M-explain that youre crazy


M-i cant believe it

D-i did it


David on the phone

Dr-I want t have that cystoscoe test

D-you know I don’t recommend it. Its painful; and unnecessary.

D-but you said it’s the one conclusive test you can do that will tell you the real story about

Dr-yes. It would

D-Set it up pleas3e


Interior at hospital

Dr at davids bed before the test

D-remember-plento of antisthetic and no catheter afte the test

Dr-We always use a catheter so that afterwardthe pain will be decreased.

D-how much pain?

Dr-A lot for a few days

D-I don’t want a catheter stuck up there

Dr-suit yourself. Ill see you aftger I finish

Dr-you can still change your mind right now before we wheel you down

D-No- do it

David interior afteet test

Dr standing over his bed

David-there was nothing wrong. You are 100% ok in your kidneys and bladder.


Dr-I check back with you tomorrow.

D-thankd doc

Interior of david getting out of bed to urinate

D-sitting on toilet

Urine filled with blood comes out

D-Crying out in pain. Excruciating. Lasts for several days where david lays in hospital be d dreding each new urge to urinate.


David-Your ok im discharging you now. Is the pain when urinating over the sensitive sking one

D-pretty much

Dr-OK Oh just one thing


Dr-I noticed something on your chest xray. Oh never mind. Im sure its nothing


Dr. Well, I noticed what im sure was a little piece of dudt on the xray film. When

D-ok Dr.


David walks home from hospital to mothers house

Mom-Oh honey. Im so glad that’s over with

D-yeah. But I have another problem

Mom-What honey

D-he needs to do another chest xray to make sure about something. He said it was nothing

David walking into steins

Feeling he cannot breathe. Obsessed with his chest. Driving around worried to death about chest xray. Hyperventilates for several days.

David on phone to DR.

D-Doc-I want to get that chest xray done again.

Dr-Ok come by and see miss louis anytime


Miss louis does chest xray

Phone call for david at home

Dr-Hi david. Your chest xray id fine. There was just some dust on the old one take care.

Hyperventiallting goes away. David is fine for a day or so

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Google Adsense :: Pay Me The Money You Owe

Since you make it nearly impossible to contact you then I will go public.
I am owed over $80.00 from Google for posts I have made to my blog. But, I cannot get paid because the sum I am owed is under $100.00.

 However I, like many others am stuck. I no longer post very much to my blog and cannot figure out a way to get the $80+ Google owes me.

Can anyone help.?

Thank you.

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Trump Will Be A Bust Out Again

Hopefully, Donald J. Trump, the Republican presidential nominee will lose most of his following and most of his money after he loses the election today. Never has a human being shown himself to be more despicable and deplorable then Trump.

This cheap, hustler got in all our pants with his carnival barking rhetoric. He came into the campaign as a game and then got into it seriously.. He knows nothing about politics but he is a great spontaneous speaker terrific at babbling about nothing. To the fools out there that believe in him they had some fun following him for over a year.

If Trump feels like he has a future in politics or even in business he has a cruel lesson coming. Since he truly is an idiot who no one will listen to after he loses this election he will have no one paying attention to him. Bannon and that alt right group will throw him away because he will have outlived his usefulness.

So, ironically, if the Republicans had run a halfway descent candidate they would have won the White House easily.
My dream is that Trump goes broke and cannot get any business.
How sweet to watch him go down.

Monday, September 12, 2016

Online Lovers Nightmare

I saw this beautiful black haired woman on an online dating site. She was about 45, tall, and classy looking. Her profile said she lived in a fancy suburb outside Chicago, and that she was divorced and had no kids living at home. Perfect person for me, an inveterate professional online dating love junkie 55 years old, good looking, smooth talking and a great hustler of women.

 I sent her an email on which is the online site. She saw my profile and which showed my pictures, age, religion, income, likes and dislikes. All the stuff that is supposed to matter. It may to some. Pictures and not having kids living at home and a convenient location are the only things that matter to me.

She sent her phone number and we chatted briefly and then she told me that she was going to be at this bar a few nights later to meet a girl friend. I asked if I could meet her before her girlfriend got there and she said yes. But, I would only have about 20 minutes to impress her because when her girlfriend showed up I had to leave. What a great bitch!!

I was in love immediately. I was as excited as I got dressed in my only Calvin Klein jeans and only polo shirt. See, I am an online fraud. A guy who has nothing because of gambling and bad investments but who loves to chase women and act like I’m solid personally and financially when in fact I am a mess. The, maybe I find a sugar mama here and there.

I sped to this restaurant in the North Shore and there she was sitting at the bar looking even better then her pictures.  I introduced myself and she initially appeared, from her body language, not be attracted me. She said good try but we were not a match. Then, her girlfriend came and sat down. Meanwhile, I was struggling to find a way to get Trudy captivated and couldn’t. Her girlfriend however saved me by starting to talk to some guy and the pressure to for me to leave abated.

I kept working Trudy psychologically to seduce her mind and body until I could feel her really look at me as I was telling another story. Her eyes twinkled. I knew she was interested. I asked if I still had to go send she said no, not now because her girlfriend was intensely engaged  in a conversation with the guy. So, I just keep on talking to Trudy and pretty soon she stopped looking at her girlfriend and other people and got close to my face and only saw me.

An hour later I asked her if she wanted to take a ride and go to another bar. She said yes after checking with her girlfriend who did not care. She was still involved with this guy. When we got into my car I tried to kiss Trudy and she said no. Easy boy. We went to another bar and stayed till 4 in the morning. I then dropped her off at her car and we agreed to see each other soon. I was totally in love. My love junkie addiction was triggered along with my survival instincts. I had very little money. But, I was walking on the clouds.

I called the next day and we talked for hours. We made plans to go out together for dinner. We went out a few more times with me continually trying to get her turned on but the most that ever happened was hot kissing. I could not afford her. After about a month she finally invited me in her house and we sat by the fire place and made out more only this time we got into petting. Well, we petted and petted for weeks until we had done everything imaginable . We would have some wine, smoke reefer, and swallow each other up endlessly with necking and petting.

But, the bedroom was always waiting upstairs and she would never take me there. Finally, in the midst of being in the throws of passion on the couch she stood up, pointed her finger at the stairs leading to the bedroom. We jumped in bed and fucked all night and all the next day. She came and came and came. She was totally selfish and cared nothing about my satisfaction. She just wanted me to do her right. I did. She said I was the greatest lover in her long history and maybe in the world. This went on for months.

She never let me stay over, never offered any food, and was completely critical of everything I did besides how I made love to her, She never shared any intimacies with me. She was a plain and simple spoiled, sarcastic bitch. But, it was fun getting to her sexually.

She called me the million dollar baby because she thought I was such a long shot to ever end up being her lover we met. She continually questioned out loud how she could be as turned on to someone as not classy, uneducated, and as unsuccessful as me because I was not a professional like she was used to being with..

But, she loved the way I got her off and we literally spent the whole fall season in her bed eventually not even going out. Just wine, dope, and her bed and then me getting kicked out every time afterward. No kindness from her, no appreciation, no invitations for anything more then banging her. Somehow, it all felt perfect though. I loved the torture of not getting all of her when I still thought I wanted to.

So, we finally decided to leave the confines of her bedroom to go somewhere else to fuck. We set up a trip to a small town bed and breakfast. On the way there I happened to disagree with her about some minor issue. The bitch would not talk to me for 2 hours until we got to the bed and breakfast. She threw a total tantrum of silence.. Finally, we got to the bed and breakfast and  went out to dinner. We were still hardly talking.

When the check came I asked her to pay for half the bill since she had belligerently agreed to pay for half the vacation. She literally threw a couple hundred dollar bills at me as if I were garbage. I said thank you very gently to torment her. She wanted to fight.. Suddenly, I saw only the poison behind her great looks. We came back to the inn and had angry sex and went to sleep.

The next morning she wanted to go for a ride in the sand dunes right near by. I thought it was a bad idea because it was storming and freezing and we could get stuck on the beach. She demanded we go anyway. Sure enough, there we were stuck on a beach trapped in a giant sand dune with no help around. The more I tried to get out of the dune the deeper I got stuck. There were a few four wheelers driving around because it was treacherous on this beach. Hardly anyone was out

Finally, a ranger came by and tried to help. Trudy said that I would never be able to follow his directions as he chained his vehicle to my car to pull me out. Trudy demanded I let her drive. At the same time she was yelling at me the ranger was trying to tell me what to do. So, as that nasty head of hers was babbling in my one ear about how stupid I was to get stuck the ranger was yelling instructions from his vehicle on how to get out.

. I finally screamed loudly at Trudy to shut the fuck up calling her a fucking bitch. She was shocked as if no one had ever spoken to her that way. We finally got out of the dune. As soon as we hit the road Trudy jumped out of the car which was literally in the middle of nowhere. Some other guys were driving by and she stuck her thumb out to hitch a ride as I followed. She got in their truck and I chased them. I really did not care about this bitch anymore but I could not just leave her in that truck and drive away. What if something happened?  We were a hundred miles from Chicago in a torrential storm. I was actually afraid for her.

Finally, I pulled up beside the guys driving her and explained that she was crazy and they had to get her out of their truck.. They did and after twenty minutes of her walking her fancy ass down the road she was too frozen to continue and got back in my car. Finally, she broke the silence with a rant about how she could have gotten us out of the dune without any help.

She screamed on and on. I just wanted to get her back home again because now she was nothing more then a lunatic out of an Alfred Hitchcock movie. But we were two hours from home. I still had not said a word back to her.

Suddenly, she violently shook her finger at my face and asked why I had screamed up, you fucking bitch at her. I said because she was a fucking bitch.

She then punched me in the side of the face as I was driving. I knew our fate was sealed then for sure and beyond redemption. Someone who resorts to violence will do it again and again.

I said not a word afterward. She had not hurt me. I finally got her within a few blocks of her house. She started to talk to me again. To try and bail out. She said about herself that maybe I need to get some help.

Will I forgive her?

I still said nothing as I finally pulled into her driveway. She called me several times afterward and I would not talk to her giving her no reinforcement for stalking me or other craziness I realized she was capable of.

Friday, September 2, 2016

Blow Off Trump

                                                  It can't be Trump.

As much of a group of suckers American voters have proven themselves to be they do fhave common sense..  But, not at first. They take a lot of time realizing they are getting screwed but eventually they figure out what happened because of  their bad decisions.  But, only after the cat is out of the bag.. We seem to learn but only in retrospect.

So, over the years we have suffered from the big scams and have been victimized by the housing market crash, the sub prime loans banking and stocfk market crash,, the bogus investment banking firms, the folly of  approving the Iraq war, the horrible politicians we have elected like Bush and Cheney.

Think of all the violent criminals who are arrested and released over and over until finally they do something horrific and maybe get caught..They usuually have long rap sheets. They could be stopped earlier. But we don't care enough to act..

The fraudsters like Donald Trump, Bernie Madoff, and all the other con men and women  who get inside our pockets and heads stay there until they take all of our money. They  are not detected until it's too late.. Then, they usually are given free passage by us to do it again.. Also, although Americans have been victimized over and over throughout history they just keep on going for new scams and scammers. Like fish with their mouths open we bite again and again..

We would rather watch and read sensationalized stories that titillate us then investigate who and what we are doing when making choices..We become fixated on personalities, sex, drugs, and rock and roll.. That is why we love following Donald Trump. He fascinates us.
He represents acton and excitement just like O.J. Simpson once did.
Remember what fools the jury was composed of to find him innocent. Electing Trump would be just as stupid as the Simpson jury was..

We did not see or remember the potential disaster of the Vietnamese war, the onslaught of  Bin Laden, Issis, and on and on..We have destroyed ourselves in large part by not demanding facts and not making thoughtful choices..We could have had the courage to say no to the goverment and stopped so much damage from happening.
 But,we only figure out out disasters  after they have happened.  Many with our blessings. Mea culpas unlimited..

We Americans are not the brightest bulbs on the tree in protecting ourselves from harm. We even voted in prohibition because we were conned and it took years to repeal it..Who would vote to stop drinking if we thought about it? We got hustled.way back then and we keep getting hustled..

Once, just once, lets make the right move ahead of  time and not after the damage is done.

The biggest, scariest, most threatening problem for us, our kids, and our grandchildren is who to elect in the 2016 Presidential race. We cannot be wrong this time.The accurate, factual picture is painted right in front of us. Trump will lead us to hell. We have the correct information in which to make an intelligent judgment... Make it no Trump.

Trump stands there and gives full disclosure of his pathetic self. His ego makes him do it. Trump begs us to see him for the fraud he is. We do  not have to get hustled again. Let's be smart.

 You have in Trump a second rate, double talking, ignorant hustler who knows nothing about politics. He is no more then a carnival barker who has scammed too many people already. Now, he is trying to scam the whole country. People keep listening to him.. Like P.T Barnum said "there is a sucker born every minute".. Trump knows that.

Trump has been fined for racial discrimination, and is involved in thousands of lawsuits  He is racist, is demeaning toward women and minorities and just a bad guy..He is totally bogus but we don't care. Millions of us support him anyway..

 He is too stupid to even shut his mouth to stay out of unnecessary trouble in this campaign. He won't even let  Hillary self destruct. Trump should be hustling watches on a street corner not running for office,.Instead, he just keeps on being stupid and shooting himself in the foot..

You have Hilliary Clinton, a clever liar, a diabolical politician but who is no Trump.
She has experience, intellect, patience and is not unfit to be President.
She is a professional, albeit flawed badly, but who at least she knows how to fly the plane.
She is good enough and the only choice we have this year..

 Are you going let Trump fly the plane?  Are you going to give him the power to destroy the world?
Elect Trump and Americans get what they deserve.

No Trump, please..

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Celebrating Freedom From OCD

I am celebrating today. My obsessive compulsive mind is clear. It's a miracle. I am old now and have been perpetually  plagued each day with one OCD thought or another for 50 years.

 The problem for me are the thoughts I feel I have to act out on to relieve the overwhelming anxiety that keeps me in bed many days and keeps me swallowing valiums and xanaxes to function at all..

But, not today. Today, thankfully my mind is clear. So far. I have no obsessive thoughts tormenting me. I have no dangerous missions to accomplish such as confronting someone who offended me.  I am savoring this moment.

There was a guy who I had insulted and I humiliated who said he would never forgive me. I could not stand the mental anguish and fear of knowing his feelings. I had to get his forgiveness. I was afraid to go where he went, to see his car, to talk to others who know him simply because all of those triggered a feeling of needing to apologize to him which I thought would make it worse and more complicated..

I have made those kind of situations worse many times in the past. Trying to talk or meet with someone who did not want to deal with me.
I did not think he would accept my amends. Finally, after six months I ran into him by accident. I apologized and he shook hands with me. Ahhh. What relief.

But, that still left another guy who I played ball with. I had tortured myself about allowing him to verbally bully me on the field by allowing him to bark orders to me about how I should play my position. I tormented myself for not speaking up to him when the bullying was happening. I dreaded going tothe  softball games that are played several times a week.

I was in  a hyper vigilant state yesterday again waiting to see him because he did not come to the games regularly.Also, I did not know what I would say to avoid exacerbating a conflict he did not even know existed. Finally, I saw him yesterday and apologized for any problem we had in the past which he admitted he was totally unaware of. But, that apology took him off my mind.The interaction did it.

At the same time, with both of these people I kept trying to convince myself that I could resolve my issues internally. I tried again and again, as I have always done in the past to convince myself that I did not need to do anything other then accept, refocus and revalue using the cognitive thinking.I have practiced for so long  unsuccessfully..

The "it's not me it's my ocd" chant works But, cognitive therapy is an excruciating mental process.

 Adjusting my mind to the anguish and struggling that comes from OCD is a ferocious task. Applying cognitive thinking  seems so much harder then just acting on a compulsion. But, that is a lie. It just feels good to say that this moment when I am free from the constraints of a demented, obsessive mind..

Well, in the end dealing with each person directly eliminated the problem. Cleverly making contact with both and apologizing, extinguished each  issue but at a huge mental price. Not the correct method but...oh well!!.

Solutions come from within especially with mental illness.

But those are only two out of so many other similar situations. Some  have turned out very badly. I have driven myself crazy, driven others crazy, had my life torn apart  by some random person who I thought I had to settle something with but who did not see things my way.. I have been put in jail, been put on probation, been beaten up, you name it, all to relieve a problem that anyone would have easily dismissed with no action..

I have stayed at home for days obsessed about something or been outside but living in my own hell.and not present except physically.

 I know there is so much work to be done to transform my life to menatal health without having to confront people to feel better.

The demons are resting now.
 It's time to work hard on the inside of myself to keep those demons quiet..

I know that is the only solution.

Monday, August 15, 2016

Hillary: Tell Me It Ain't So

They say write wriite write.  So, here I go again.
Hillary Clinton  was apparently miappropriating funds sent to the Clinton charitable foundation.

The 33K emails she deleted was ok with me. That seemed like business. Unseemly, but business.                 I understand that. But, I do not get stealing charitable contributions. Unconscionable.

I still believe Clinton is the best choice for President because Trump is a total incompetent idiot with severe emotional problems.
He would destroy the country.

But, Hillary, tell me it ain't so.