BEING BULLIED IS A LIFETIME SENTENCE OF TORMENT

 

I was just a little five year old boy waiting in line to be let into my first grade class. It was 1953 at a Chicago Elementary school named De-Witt Clinton located on the north side of the city where I grew up.

It was the first day of the semester and I did not know many of the forty or so kids in line also waiting to go to their first day of class.  

For no reason a boy I had never seen before walked in front of me and said "Hey kid, ever been kicked in the balls?"

"No", I innocently answered.

 He then kicked me squarely in my small crotch. I doubled over in pain, went down, and started to cry.

 As I caught my breath and stood up the last thing on my mind was hitting or retaliating against him. I was too scared and ashamed. 

The other kids standing around laughed at my misery. They taunted me mercilessly. "Fight, fight, fight," they screamed.

I felt humiliated and victimized.

I already knew what bullying was and had seen it done to others.

I knew I had been had.

Instinctively, I knew that attacking Larry, who was standing there laughing, was theonly move but I was too afraid to act.

I could not overcome that horrid feeling of being afraid to fight..

That was the first time I remember being bullied. It would not be the last. 

Many others also bullied me throughout my life.  

I did not stand up for myself or others countless times because I was scared to. Being intimidated became part of my soul.

That nauseating feeling of fear turned out to be the core of my frightened existence.

 Being intimidated and cowardly has been the paralyzing demon that has controlled my mind.  Either actions or words can cow me.

After being targeted continually I learned quickly that bullies can  be dealt with by guys with the courage to fight which I did not have. 

I never learned until much later there were other ways to deal with bullies. 

 So, I became more and more incapacitated around people who I judged to be tough and macho.

 A bullying victim must suffer devastating consequences both internally and externally. I did and do.

Even after much therapy and understanding that my fears of being bullied are usually irrational and incorrect it did not change the self loathing I have always felt.

Much later in life I would intentionally face terrifying and dangerous situations to rid myself of the feeling of being a coward.

I faced and fought bullies.

 I would feel better for a while or conversely make a situation much worse when retaliating against someone who I thought had physically or mentally bullied me.

Either way, the feeling of fear always returned. 

Another bully has always been there because the real bully is my mind.

 I have not been able to live with the incurable emotion that I will always be vulnerable around people who intimidate me.

I have struggled valiantly to the point that I now have to resist the impulse to fight rather then surrender to it.

 Like any addiction (ocd) demands resisting an urge. I am better now but it is like carrying boulders on my shoulders each day.

It is always flight or fight in my tormented mind. It's a paradox because whether I fight or fly the cowardly feeling in me waits patiently to take charge again. 

Now, it's mostly words and deeds rather than physical action. But, it is all the same in my brain.

My life is all about relieving that intimidated feeling that never rests. The answer lies in self acceptance. 

It can be found at times and than vanishes.

I'm perpetually on guard for any situation where I fear I may get that cowardly feeling in my stomach and mistakenly think that only facing fear will relieve it.

 Allowing the feeling of fear to desensitize without doing anything is the real answer.  That comes with much therapy. (ocd)  Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is tough as nails to battle but therapy works. 

I learned that the real objective is to accept the fearful feelings and not flee from them but let them live without becoming paralyzed by them.

 I continue the endless battle to not react to those around me who instill fear in me.

  Now, not acting out is my answer but I cannot ever forget what Larry did to me.

.

COMPUTER HELL FOR 72 YEAR OLD GUY WITH OCD

It's computer dummy heaven today. I just figured out how to fix my laptop all by myself. It only required batteries but normally I would not have been able to even find where the batteries go. My new OCD mindfulness gave me a bonus. I am a 72 year old geezer but giddy as if I had just stolen my first high school kiss.

A fortunate life has been my blessing. But, as my mother used to say, "your worst enemy cannot do to you what you can do to yourself."

What a merciless self-assaulter I have been. We are talking mentally, The pain from a broken brain is ferocious.

I remember trying to lay my dead tired eight-year-old body in bed and go to sleep. But I couldn't. The pillow would not line up to my satisfaction with a thin line on the headboard. So, I would keep popping up out of bed like a jumping jack for hours on end trying to set the pillow exactly the way I wanted it. I would finally just flop into the bed, drenched in sweat, and then pass out because my little body was so exhausted.

The obsessions became worse as I got older. Physical confrontation became the centerpiece of my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. The word FEAR is central to my defective brain. I believe it is to everyone with OCD.

Facing danger, real or imagined, made physical confrontation my curse. I would be mentally obsessed to go back after someone who I decided had bullied me with words or deeds. It could have been a schoolmate from high school who I remember slapped me around thirty years before, or a person who insulted a lady at the golf course this morning who I thought and felt I should have confronted.

I could mentally grab onto any event and conclude that I had to be an avenging angel. All that had to happen was a thought, a mere thought, popping into my head. Bingo. The thought would not go away. Then off I would go to OCD hell.

My stomach would start rolling constantly. Only finding the misguided courage to act by confronting the bully would abate the fear. My delusional missions lasted from days to decades and sometimes in multiple forms. Than the fear would come back about the same thing or something else and often with even more inappropriate acts. I do not know how I led a somewhat normal life.

Symbolically, my efforts at trying to line up that pillow defined my life. Endlessly confronting and chasing people who I felt had picked on or bullied me. I could be tormented for any reason such as someone playing their music too loudly, or to allowing their dogs to bark, or feel that someone insulted me, or made fun of me, or criticizing me, or making what I thought to be an inappropriate remark to my girlfriends, or thoughlessly slammed doors, and countless other events that would provoke the same insanity in me that trying to adjust that pillow triggered.

All it took was for me to think that I was the victim. Then came the conclusion I had to even the score, to take vengeance.

Then the fear took hold. The fear of living for a confrontation I did not want but thought I had to have. Being consumed. Like a soldier anticipating battle. But an irrational battle for all the wrong reasons.

I fearfully and insanely provoked countless confrontations because of the misguided belief that I would get permanent relief after I resolved some issue. I would eventually end up worse off then I was before I started trying to solve the thing that triggered me.

I ended up in court, in front of judges, in jail, and in a mental hospital because of the degrees to which I would go to seek relief.

I went to so many shrinks, took so many pills, read so many books, and even today, I still can suffer as I write about these episodes of OCD sixty-five years later. It has no end. It continues to plague me.

I blessedly and gratefully have found pathways to relief through exercising, writing and journaling, meditating, deep breathing exercises, and just knowing that the OCD urge is just a thinking disorder and can and must be accepted and coped with. That sounds easy but it's not. It takes constant and consistent mind-bending work to come to terms with it. There is hope.

I am not violent or psychotic. I am a lifelong scared little boy who was told to go outside to face the bullies in the old neighborhood. I cried instead. My family's definition of courage was about fists and not words. It took a lifetime for me to recognize my family was fucked up, but with good intentions. They did not know macho was not a one size fits all hat.

After many years of good fortune, except for the few times getting punched and hurt by a neighbor who was slapping around his girlfriend and beat me up for interfering, I never paid a big physical price.

Mentally, it is another story.

I have been arrested several times for minor non-violent crimes. I have been in the mental ward. Everything was connected to OCD.

Endless hours, days, months, years of OCD torture have left me damaged mentally but okay enough to say I am much better after a lot of hard work.

I am now spending time learning how to let stuff go and accept my condition. I never really cared about standing up for myself except for a few times in my life where it was legitimate. It's selfishly only been about relieving the fear that I felt with no alternatives. That is erroneous and wrong.

Writing is an alternative for me. Playing ball, reading, volunteering, running, and almost any mental and physical activity are tools that work well in battling OCD.

Going to OCD group meetings and becoming friendly with and supportive of others who are afflicted, is terrifically helpful and a big step in recovering.

The irrational but overwhelming fear of the "what ifs" of not doing what you falsely believe you must do literally eats you up. However, once you are able to realize that the anxiety of OCD urges can be endured with training, life gets immeasurably better.

Saying no to debilitating OCD urges is the only way to get healthier. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is permanent, but can be effectively dealt with as with addictions like gambling or drinking and many others. It takes time and treatment.

12 step programs are effective.

You can do it.

Why becomes an obvious question to anyone reading this who does not have OCD.

Answer....

Normal brains do not involuntarily attach to abnormal thinking. OCD brains do. They are different chemically and they do not process thoughts correctly.

OCD is always about fear, fear, fear, whether you are compulsively checking and rechecking the stove, door, the dogs water, washing your hands, obsessing about harming a child, facing a bully or some other thought.

But, there are ways to safely treat OCD.

My hope is that this helps some fellow sufferers get some value from my self-knowledge, or even better, some relief.

I have just started to write again about OCD.

My Purpose is to help others with what this is about for me. There has to be more to life than my girlfriend, my dog, pickle ball, golf, eating and tormenting myself with new and age old major OCD issues.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is all about fear no matter where you start.

Fear can be conquered properly.

Go online and look at resources and blogs on OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder.) There is so much there for every sufferer.

Read about it. Find relief. It is there.

Here are some resources to use. I just want to help. I do not get paid in any way by anyone I mention. I Do not know them. I want to help.

I just Google, do my research, just as you should do.

Here are a few resources around the country that came up:

FHEHealth Restore 888-986-1382

Park Avenue Psychotherapy Associates 973-815-0777

Go To YouTube and punch up OCD

Call 720-605-1316

Call 305-856-9442

Call 754-227-6634

Online Therapy-312-955-1212

Good Luck

David S.

I am an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder sufferer associated with no one.

BULLIED: MY FRIEND THE GOLF COURSE BULLY

I always play golf on the weekends with a group of about eight guys. We are all personal friends some closer than others. 

I am very good friends with one of the guys. We are all between the ages of forty five and seventy two years old me being the oldest. 

I have experienced a lifetime of being bullied whether it is mental or physical. I've made a very big effort to stand up for myself with words and deeds. It is scary and tormenting to act when you are afraid but one must face fear when necessary.

Sometimes I succeed and many other times I do not in defending myself. Complicating things is my severe lifelong emotional disorder with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).

Without going deep into an analysis of my particular condition which centers around fighting back when I feel victimized I will point out a case in point to explain exactly why I feel bullied right now.

The guy I am very close to is also a bully. His bullying tools are not his muscles but his mouth and alpha personality. 

I love this guy usually. We have a ton of fun and mutual understanding when he is not being an abusive asshole. I believe he really does not want to be a bully. 

I have called him out on it many times but bullying is baked into his personality. He has responded to my unprofessional but intelligent therapies to some degrees. But, not enough. 

We have disagreements and he gets defensive because he thinks I am bullying him with words and abstract concepts which are a problem for him. He thinks I am too smart which is not true. 

Anyway, he told me big words intimidate him so I try not to use them.

 Unlike him, I try to control my vocabulary when around him. He does not extend me the same sensitivity.

My main problem with him occurs on the golf course. He is a great golfer. I am a bad golfer who keeps on playing because I love the game, 

I do have moments of brilliance, and I love and hate playing with my bully friend who is both my cheering section and my relentless taskmaster when I do not follow his instructions or disagree with him. 

Last night I called another guy in the group who makes the golf time reservations. I played so badly yesterday and my back was so sore that I called him to cancel myself for today's game.

I wanted to make sure I was not causing a problem for anyone else in screwing up the times. He said no problem so I thanked him and went to sleep.  

Today, I awoke to find a text from my main tormentor. It simply had a thumbs down symbol on the message. My frenemy learned I cancelled out and did not know if I was sick, hurt, or just did not want to play. 

He did not care. 

He narcissistically reacted by punishing me. He likes me being out there because the guy strangely does love me. I have empathized with this man through many of his own issues where he needed comfort, and understanding. 

That mattered not when he saw I would not play today. To defend myself I left him a voice mail which he did not yet respond to. 

I also wrote him a text in which I said that if he sent the thumbs down symbol because of being very disappointed I will not be there that's one thing. 

If he sent it because he is angry that I blew off the game that is something else. 

I wrote that if you did it just to make me feel bad you lack empathy which is a subject we have discussed. 

We will see what happens. It's probably wasted words. 

So, that is my story this morning, I have decided to write about my experiences in my seventy two years of being victimized.

Being bullied has literally driven me crazy. It has also made me stronger and wiser. 

I will share stories and accept your stories if a bullying blog takes off.

I hope it does because we all have stories to tell and read about..

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER (OCD) STILL TORTURED AFTER 72 YEARS

How about some real time (OCD) obsessive compulsive disorder talk? I have been tormented and tortured by it almost my entire 72 male years. I have pure OCD as it is known. 

I do not need to keep checking the door to see of it is locked or checking the stove to see if it is turned off, or wash my hands a million times a day.

My misery is different. I must confront people who I think have insulted me. Fear is my constant companion because my whole deal is connected to confrontation. Doing fearful things so I can get the fearful thing off my mind are my boulders to carry.. 

So, if someone tells me to go fuck myself, or they say they think I stink at golf or if I feel that I must defend someone's honor who is a friend or loved one who has been insulted or abused, or the music next door is too loud or someone slams a door too hard or tons of other things happen than I become incapacitated. 

I sit and ruminate about what I can do to resolve the problem. I cannot function while my mind is pre-occupied with a thought of some act that I must perform that involves danger or personal harm to eliminate a problem..

My right eye was destroyed permanently by unnecessarily getting into a fight with some guy who was smacking around his girlfriend in the hallway of my apartment. The guy was hardly doing anything to this girl but he scared me just by looking at me so I did the only thing I knew to eliminate the fear I knew I would feel whenever I saw him. I hit him and he demolished me.

I tried to stop him verbally and when he swore at me instead of just walking back into my apartment I took a lame swing at him. He turned out to be a boxer who had just gotten released from jail for attempted murder. 

He busted me up and then my girl friend at the time took care of me for a few weeks and then threw me out for being so ignorant. She knew it was my OCD and not a sincere attempt to be a do gooder. 

That is just one story among many and I do not feel like writing much more tonight. 

I am in such an OCD state of mind for several months and I have such a litany of things on my mind that I cannot even phantom trying to resolve one OCD thought at a time. Because, I know that in attempting to resolve an irrational problem I may very well perpetuate it. 

I could spend twenty years trying to find a guy who insulted me a few months ago telling me to go fuck myself. 

Plus, I do not really want to find him because it's not about what he said that is the object of my OCD. It is about me letting go or just living with this OCD trigger.  

I just cannot deal with my OCD only through therapy, medicine, psychotherapy, meditation, or working out. 

Only by writing about it can I get relief. Writing works for me. It eases and temporarily eliminates OCD urges. And that is what an OCD sufferer wants. 

Relief.

I have been all tense because about 16 months ago I was playing softball and after the game, at lunch, I happened to make a remark about a political subject to two guys. 

I am liberal and one of the guys who is in charge of this men's basketball league is a Trump Republican. The other guy there is just the first guys puppet.

I mentioned something about Medicare that both tight asses took exception to. The main guy barked at me that there was no political talk allowed and he walked away from me at the restaurant. The puppet followed with a parting insult. 

I thought nothing of it until a few weeks later when I am at this restaurant again and see this same guy who decides to maliciously goad the other 10 or so guys at the table to not talk to me so I won't come back to lunch with them again. 

I walked over to both assholes to try to shake hands but both refused to. Well, that was 16 months ago and I have spent hundreds and maybe thousands of hours trying to figure out how I could make peace with both of those guys without escalating the situation and making it worse. 

Because once I start trying to resolve a perceived problem my OCD kicks in like crazy and I could be arrested for harassment or trespassing quickly by doing crazy things to get satisfaction. 

So this situation has meant sitting and ruminating everyday for ways I can make peace with both assholes without making it worse by confronting one or both of them and they still will not make peace and then I get physical. 

And, I am not tough and intimidating at all. It all has to do with how I was bullied and try to not get bullied anymore. All that is for another time so write in.

So, I have learned some very critical things about my OCD. If I do not do anything to try and make things right with these guys I will not end up making things worse and going into an OCD hell that I have lived through forever by trying to force them to resolve the issue.

I have learned that it is 100% better to just leave a situation alone rather than try to force it to bend to my will. 

That is a big understanding when the urge to try and work it out is so intense. But, I am safe by doing nothing and I do not have to act out . I just have tp live with the ocd urge and fix things from within like I am doing right now. 

 I know that I have OCD and there will always be more issues and more issues that torture me. But, I can only make things worse, as I have learned by acting out instead of sitting on my hands and being safe.  

Once upon a time I would be chasing these guys all over, even hiring private detectives so I could find them and try to get them to just shake hands.

So, I am writing about this because the answers do not lie with either of them. 

The answers lie in my tormented mind.

There is hope. But, OCD is ferocious.

I have improved.  

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER (OCD): SWEATING OVER AIR CONDITIONING

Long ago, I was sitting in my office in a high rise building. It was a modern structure that presumably had excellent systems including reliable ventilation systems. That is what I was told when I signed the lease. One summer day I entered the office and it seemed too hot. I checked the vents and no air was blowing out. I called the building office and reported the problem. The call taker apologized and said it would be fixed soon. A maintenance person would be coming up. 

I have severe obsessive compulsive disorder (ocd). I started fixating on the glass entry door waiting impatiently for the maintenance person who did not appear after fifteen minutes. So, after an hour of being more and more preoccupied and watching for the door to open with the, maintenance person my familiar high anxiety set in. I felt hotter and hotter and started to sweat profusely. I became unable to think about or focus on the abundance of things that I needed to pay address to in my very busy legal practice. 

My life suddenly depended on the air conditioning getting fixed. It was a seventy-two degree morning, according to the weatherperson on the radio, and it was going to get slightly warmer, maybe up to seventy-five degrees. No big deal. In my sick mind it seemed like a hundred degrees already. My shirt was soaked and my face was dripping beads of sweat. Another thirty minutes passed and no maintenance person appeared. I was experiencing the beginning of another OCD episode. I knew that what was happening to me was totally psychological. My lifetime OCD disorder was triggered. I had endured the same king of anxiety as the air conditioning not working in hundreds of other forms before ever since I was a small child trying to straighten my pillow perfectly for hours at a time. 

Sweating. But, logic and understanding has nothing to do with OCD. Obsessive compulsive disorder has a mind of it's own. So all my knowledge of my condition was meaningless. I called the building office again and got the same answer. The maintenance person was going to be there. Be patient please. There was an emergency in another office I was told. I was jumping up and down out of my chair like a jack-in-the box. continually checking every vent as if air was magically going to start blowing out. I also kept vigilantly staring at the office door watching for the promised maintenance person to enter. It had now been two hours since I first called the office and I was in intense psychological pain. I finally asked the other four people in the office if they were hot, knowing I would not stop asking them once I started. "We're fine," they said in unison. 

They never once commented on the temperature. I watched them work comfortably and easily as I was going crazier and crazier with anxiety.

"Come over here by my desk,” I asked all four. “Does it feel hot?” “Uh uh, It's fine. Maybe you're not feeling well?” “I'm fine, I'm fine,” I insisted, not wanting to admit I'm sick in the head. I tried to work but couldn't. I just sat and stared at the door. When the third hour passed without the maintenance person arriving. I was a madman. I could only think about how much I hated that person and this building. I was very nervous about calling the building office again. thinking I was going to wear them out and start getting ignored. 

That had happened in many similar situations. Then, I would really be stuck. I could not focus on phone calls, simple questions or tasks. I was totally dysfunctional. I could not offer anything to my $300,000 a year legal practice except dripping sweat. I also had to do the vent checking sneakily because I did not want to be exposed to the staff as being crazy by attracting attention to my erratic checking behavior. I also stayed fixated on the door from my desk. That is all I did in the midst of a sea of business where I was the one in charge. 

Nobody else said a word about being hot. The weather report kept saying it was a beautiful day, a prefect seventy two degrees. The logic and reality of the words meant nothing to me. I was in my OCD zone of torment. After another twenty minutes, I could not take the waiting any more. I asked the others again if any of them had gotten hot. Only one answered. “Not at all.” I called the office again, this time the same voice picked up the phone. I became the rude, entitled, impatient animal I can be. I screamed at the same victim of my insanity. “Where is he, already?” She only said ”I'm sorry. He's still on an emergency. 

Please, be patient” she begged. After a little more time existing in what I felt like was a personal desert I asked my workers again if they felt hot yet. "It's fine here" was all I got from the others who were indifferent, and busy working. One person got up and opened a few of the windows and said, "It's beautiful outside. We don't even need air. This breeze should do it for you." I knew from many years of OCD torment, that this breeze, nice as it was, would not relieve me. The reality that it was my abnormal brain getting caught on an OCD thought was very familiar to me. I felt like I was being bullied by this building. I felt I was a victim of being ignored and being left powerless to resolve my air conditioning problem. 

I was intimidated like I was as a little boy getting bullied. Powerless and afraid. Fear. That is the essence of OCD. All the therapy, the meditation, reading, deep breathing, writing, working out still gave me no relief. I needed the air conditioning to work perfectly. Relief is all that that mattered to me. I had to get rid of that feeling that all pf us with OCD know. Finally, after four hours, a maintenance guy walked in and apologized for the wait. He checked the thermostat and quickly announced that the problem was solved. Batteries were all that were needed which he popped into the thermostat and then he politely left. 

The vents started blowing cool air in beautiful unison. But, was the air as cool as it was supposed to be? I bothered each of the four other people again to check the temperature of the office and they each said it seemed fine as it had been all day. I tried to focus on work, but could not. I was possessed with checking and rechecking vents for the next two hours. Every ten minutes I would sneak over to a vent and feel the air. Finally, despite everything, I decided the air was not blowing cool enough even though the room temperature was a perfect seventy degrees. I still thought it was too hot. I tried to work but still could not. I went down to the building office and talked to the building manager. 

He came back up to my office with me, and brought the maintenance guy also. He had been told of my phone calls and demands for service. All agreed the office was comfortable and that the air was working just like it was in the other two hundred offices. They asked everyone if the temperature was comfortable. All said yes again. The guys left with me giving them an insincere okay, but I was quickly checking vents again and thinking that the air still was still not enough. I again went down to the office. Only this time the building manager would not talk to me. I raised my voice at him. He got angry and invited me to break my lease and leave with no penalty, if I was so unhappy. He said I was too difficult to deal with and calmly said to maybe see a Dr. 

 I went back to my office and just sat and stared at the ceiling till it was time to go home. I still had a barking dog at a neighbors' house to deal with. It was bothering me although the dog was not really barking much. But, I felt I had to do something. 

I ended up breaking my lease at my office building and moving my staff to another space. Soon after I also moved my residence to another building that has no dogs. The lady made no promises of keeping the barking dog quiet. 

I could not live with that. So, I moved. But, in my new apartment, I realized a neighbor was slamming the adjacent apartment door too loudly. I am trying to figure out what to do with that one now. It's on my mind all the time. The misery of obsessive compulsive disorder does not stop when you are afflicted. It is as strong as Superman and as smart as Einstein. There is no peace but there are ways to cope. The hammer in my head rests sometimes but always comes back pounding. But, I am not afraid of it. You can too.

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER (OCD): IT IS JUST AN URGE

Obsessive, compulsive disorder is a brutal mental illness which affects a very small part of the population. In the US, about 1.1% of the people have it and it is evenly split between males and females. Over 2.2 million individuals are afflicted. It is so simple to understand but brutally hard to deal with.

The entire condition is based on thoughts. Just thoughts. So think different thoughts you say and you are cured.? 

Ha-ha !!

No. No. No.

Don't forget, just because you resolve one OCD symptom you do not get rid of the entire disorder. So, the trick is to learn how to deal with your OCD by not acting out in all the goofy ways you do now. Acting out does not work.

I am now having an urge to call someone on the phone which would likely create a problem. At minimum, it would start an OCD cycle where I would have to start calling and calling trying to get my problem with this person resolved.

The problem is I have no real problem with him. The problem is with my thoughts. 

That is reassuring and gives me relief.

I also know I am not going to create a problem with the crazy thought that I can end this perceived problem with a phone call. Maybe I could and maybe I couldn't. It doesn't matter. 

Another OCD problem would soon follow. There is relief in that knowledge. I am sick

So, I chose to write about this. Maybe it will help someone else. It is certainly helping me. My desire to call this guy has diminished.

Working out, talking, meditation, reading are all answers to coping with OCD.

Acting out does not work. I have the scars to prove it.

The stove might still be turned on or the lady did not respond right to your apology or or or. 

An external fix does not last.

In people with OCD thoughts get stuck in their head and most sufferers do not know how to deal with the torment. 

Ironically, the answer to how to deal with OCD is to not deal with it!! 

It is just an urge. It will decrease and go away if it is not fed, When you do not act on it than it starves.

But, and it is a big but, OCD urges are so overwhelming and intense that it is almost impossible to deal with them without knowledge of how to. 

Just to clarify, it is obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) whether it is to wash your hands again and again, check the lights. check that pimple again, touch your nose, count to ten, arrange your desk. check your toes. take a shower, ad to your hoarding collection, or perform any compulsion you feel an urgency to perform over and over. Again and again is the key word.

We are talking about checking for hours on end. We are talking about being soaked in sweat from anxiety when an OCD episode occurs. It can last for hours, days, weeks, months, or years.

Fear of harming yourself or another, fear of saying or doing something embarrassing or dangerous, or fear of anything or anybody in an abnormal way, needing constant reassurance that something was done right, and on and on are common obsessions.

When any thought consumes ones mind in a perpetual, non stop, disabling way it is usually from (OCD) obsessive compulsive disorder.

That means being so focused or consumed by a thought or urge that it owns you.

It can be about what you are going to eat three days from now or being afraid you will throw the dog down the steps.

I had an obsession about tin foil for years. I was afraid to bite down on the foil because I remembered it once hurt my teeth. Tin foil kept me in bed for days being depressed and not wanting to see any tin foil. Even after I had bit down on the foil and felt no pain I still, to this day, avoid chewing anything with tin foil on it.

I had another obsession when I was 25 years old. I thought I had prostate cancer. No matter how many times the Dr. checked me and told me nothing was wrong with my prostate I still demanded to be put in the hospital for a torturous test. The Dr, came in my room afterward and said

“You are fine. See a psychiatrist."

I am 72 now and I am not fine. 

But, I am much better.

OCD AND ME-A 71 YEAR JOURNEY WITH OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER

I'm a 71 year old male and I have suffered from (obsessive compulsive disorder) (ocd) since I was about 8 years old. 

A terrifying image of myself standing over my bed, dead tired, and continually jumping in and out of it but not being able to rest comes to mind.  

I was tormented then because my pillow was not precisely centered along a thin line that ran vertically from the top to the bottom of the headboard. It was driving me crazy trying trying to center it perfectly. 

I believed bad things would happen if I did not get it perfectly aligned. Fear and superstition were then and are still now the root of all obsessive compulsive disorders. 

 My tired little body was no match for my twisted mind which kept commanding me to get up again and again and line the pillow up better.  

Sweat streamed down my face and soaked my pajamas as I continued to jump in and out of bed trying to get that uncooperative pillow aligned to the satisfaction of my obsessive compulsive demons.

Finally, I passed out from the fatigue of being a frustrated, worn out little kid. That was not a temporary problem I would grow out of. It is now 71 years later and my ocd still rages on. 

There have been countless episodes of these same kinds of torturous experiences throughout my entire life. 

My symptoms changed from physical compulsions like washing hands, re-checking lights, not stepping on cracks, and many of the common ocd symptoms most people are familiar with to all mental ocd symptoms.    

The award winning movie " As Good As It Gets", starring Jack Nicholson captures ocd in a humorous, but sadly accurate way.  

My mental or pure ocd which started in my twenties became increasingly intense,  with relentless mental, repetitive, fearful thoughts and questions with no answers and no relief attainable ruminating through my brain. 

My thinking centered around facing irrational fears. Taking physically dangerous, risky actions was the bitter medicine I prescribed myself to get temporary relief.

My approach was metaphorically akin to jumping into a cage with a deadly lion just to get rid of the fear of doing it. 

I would relieve fear by crashing into it head first. It was              misdirected thinking that demonstrating insanity permanently cured ocd symptoms.  

My archaic, false definition of manhood was central to my distorted thinking. I believed that being macho proved manhood.

 Many times it would take months and years to actually follow through on certain dangerous actions or missions I assigned myself with no lasting relief.   

But, I could not get fearful thoughts out of my mind so into that lions cage I would eventually jump ravaging my psyche for any path to get peace of mind.

Many times I would make a bad situation much worse and I would have to start the whole mentally torturous process over again after performing some crazy action that failed. 

Or, if I did succeed in eliminating an obsession than quickly another obsession of equal or greater torment would emerge. 
 Seeking danger, and finding the courage to face it was all I used to understand to ease my anguish. I walked around terrified because I am no warrior.

My world was my lopsided brain swirling around like a gyroscope spinning the same painful thoughts constantly. They all centered around facing unnecessary fear. 
What if, what if, and more what ifs became my internal language as I anticipated taking crazy actions with scary consequences. 

I only wanted relief. That was my only motive for jumping in the cages of many dangerous lions. 

I felt only gratitude if I had not been hurt, killed, thrown in jail, or put in an insane asylum after I survived an insane action I took. 
I have lived a life of flight or fight everyday for 63 years.

The central theme of my particular ocd symptoms has been proving I am not a coward and could not be bullied. The reality is that no amount of insane acts of facing danger or standing up for myself has eliminated that cowardly little boy inside of me or has given me inner peace. 


Confrontation is my tool that always takes charge of my thinking. I chased a guy around for twenty years who bullied me when I was 12 years old at the local park. I met him at a train station 25 years after we had last seen each other. I provoked a fight with him and I got the worst of it. 

He stood over me as I went down and he told me I was lucky he was not going to kick my head in.
He left yelling that I was immature and I had not grown up as I crawled on all fours watching him walk away.  

I could not live with just letting that episode go even though I did not have one drop of violence in me toward him or anyone. My crusades were only about finding relief through some distorted definition I had of what manhood and courage was.   

I decided I wanted a rematch with this guy and it took several anxiety, fear ridden years to even find him again. I knew nothing of his life since we were kids.  

Then, after a very long and totally crazy search I ran into him again by accident and we had another encounter I provoked where I ended up on top of him. An intense severe desire to apologize to him developed after it ended. I wanted him to know i was not dangerous. 
I needed his understanding and forgiveness.  

  This strange saga went on ad nauseum  until I finally found his phone number.  To my amazement, when I gathered the courage to call him, he allowed me to apologize.  Even that was not enough for me to let the obsession with him go. 
Think of that? 

 I then wanted to talk to him in person to confirm that we were good.. He finally ended up taking me to court to stop my renewed pursuit. Even that did not stop me because I still felt I had not explained myself satisfactorily. 
Just like the pillow.
I could not get it right. 

I was told by the lawyers and the judge that it was a condition of my probation that I never contact him or get near him again or I would go to jail.  

While on probation and against all orders and sensibility I again contacted him via a letter trying to explain my ocd condition. I felt I was compelled to write to release my mind from the inhumane prison I had not been released from. 
I was willing to risk my freedom for one more chance to get relief. 

  I sent the letter. He did not turn me in and that ended that horrid saga. It was a miracle he did not go right to the lawyers and judge.
I got away with that one but I did not get away with the next one. 

 I ended up fighting with some guy who was in an altercation with his girlfriend. 

I only started that fight because the guy scared me for months without ever saying a word to me. He had me bullied with his looks. He ended up almost permanently blinding me from the right hand he slammed into my eyeball.  

 I had told him to stop hassling his girlfriend one night in the hallway floor of the high rise where we were neighbors. It was nothing and none of my business.  He said fuck you. Get away from me. I  started to go back into my apartment  but he started yelling at his girlfriend again. I screamed at him to leave her alone. 

He  came back at me wild eyed and it was lights out. The result was a blinded eye, broken eardrum, rattled brain and the emergency room. For nothing. I only fought with him to prove the same manhood shit. 

My girlfriend at the time nursed me back to health and then she dumped me for being a crazy fool. She was right. She knew I did it out of ocd and not nobility.

Example of my condition. A person is playing loud music next door to me. I break out into palpitating anxiety as I listen maybe for several days for more music. I knock on the door and politely ask that the music be turned down.

If the person apologizes and does not act with hostility or in a threatening manner then I never care again about any noise coming from that apartment. 

Same for other issues involving me feeling victimized by disturbances like barking dogs, loud noises or other situations where I felt like a victim. 

If the answer from the person is angry or was a get out of my face answer my life would immediately be ruined. My mind would not let me stop thinking about that apartment. 

I would start trying to find a way to make peace with that person and if I could not I would rationalize that I wanted to find a new apartment.

That is a taste of how a big part of my life has been. In reality I'm just a nice Jewish boy whose brain was really derailed by genetic flaws. 

However, I am blessed to be healthy, free, and having a great life despite my insanity. I am much better now after lots of hard work on my head.

 I used to believe I had to say and do fearful, terrifying, dangerous acts or something bad would happen. 

Now, I cope with my ocd demons with words and actions that are restricted to my own, safe, trustworthy and lasting coping mechanisms. I no longer have to be afraid of what I will do with ocd urges. I will do nothing outside of  the confines my mind. All work is done in my internal premises. 
. 
Knowing that acting out is futile and destructive 100% of the time is my new reality. It took many long years and much suffering to accept myself with the flaws in my personality. But, the payoff in peace of mind and tranquility is well worth it.

 I admit, Staying in control is brutally hard. Emotions are so strong with any addiction. Now, there is no more self imposed, legal, medical, or personal trouble. I fear no consequences of aberrant behavior. I do not do it. 

I realized that permanent solutions come from within. I am rewarded daily for not acting out because there are so many triggers tempting all of us addicts.  

I've gotten better by changing how I think, live, interact, and relate. I am in recovery and have been for a long time. I know about recovery from being in Gamblers Anonymous (GA) for over 11 years without placing a bet. 

All addictions are very similar. They are all nothing but abnormal urges. It is just about how they are coped with. Tough stuff to accept but accepting powerlessness is the only answer no matter what you are addicted to. Throw up that white flag.

I am powerless and I always will be over my addictions so I do not act on them.

I never realized, as I do now, that I had an incurable disease. I could never surrender and say "David, you cannot cure this condition by any external measures. The solution lies only within. 

I have learned how to talk to become friends with myself. It works.

 Medicine,  meditation, therapy, support groups, working out, writing and talking to others does wonders for ocd sufferers and for other addictive disorders. Just stop wasting that good mind. 

Ocd comes in so many forms. It is a supremely complex condition that only a very small percentage of people are afflicted with to a serious degree. Everyone understands ocd to some degree but are  far from being incapacitated from it. Then there is us.   

 Fortunately, the mind is a resilient structure. Change the focus and the picture becomes different quickly. That is not an easy assignment as many of you know.      

 My ocd and all ocd boils down to a fear of living with anxiety and fear. Sounds simple and logical but it is not.
The triggers are so emotional and irrational that it is very hard to think logically when that dog barks or that person insults me.    

It's not me it's my ocd is an easy concept to understand intellectually but a brutally hard concept to apply emotionally.

But, it can be done and provides real relief if one can accept it.   

 So, it is real progress when that ocd urge takes second position to the comfort of knowing that you do not have to do anything externally to cope with it. 

One just has to realize what is happening with our addictions whatever they are. 

That is relief. No more jumping into the cage with the lion.
OCD cannot be cured so why try.  Addictions cannot be cured. Only arrested. That is as good as it gets and that is good enough.
My fight is over. 
End your fight.

Surrender and get help.
Now.  
It's the only answer.
Go to Google.

  

OCD AND CONFRONTING A SWEATY NEIGHBOR

No. This will not be another wasted day of my life. I stayed inside all day long. I also stayed home several days this week battling another ridiculous, illogical bout of OCD that has destroyed my life despite drugs, therapy, and self help. I get a thought on my mind, usually of a fear I feel I must confront. Then, I start to analyze the consequences of acting on the urge. Interestingly, the urge can be knocking on a neighbors door who is playing loud music, telling someone who is sitting behind me at the movies to stop making noise, or telling a rude delivery man to stop abusing a little old lady. My obsessive compulsive disorder is all about fear4. But, it also more about the consequences of telling that person to be quiet or facing a fear because doing so has exacerbated situations so that the next thing I know I am trying to track down that deliveryman or neighbor, or person sitting behind me in the movie so I can further explain myself after I had acted out to relieve the urge only to make it worse. Acting out to reliever OCD urges has actually landed me in jail for stalking and trespassing. So, I just cant let things go however how benign.
   So, today is Sunday January 10, 2016. A year ago or so there was a guy in the fitness room of my high rise building who was working out but did not sanitize the equipment he was using after he was done. The protocol is that everyone sanitize their equipment after using it although there is no written rule to do so.. I saw this guy get ready to leave without cleaning the bicycle he was working out on. Hi friend also did not clean up after himself but I did not care about him. So, you see, it was not really about sanitation. It was about not being victimized. I wanted to say something to him such as " please clean the bicycle"  but I did not. I hated myself for not acting. Fear. My lifelong enemy. I got it in my mind that I had to confront this total stranger about sanitizing the equipment after using it.

But, I did not know how to go about it. I had missed the moment. I did not know which floor he lived on, how to not seem crazy if I did manage to find him.  Or, if I met him in the building sometime how to just confront him with my desire to tell him to sanitize the equipment. Then, I started to figure out what I would say to him if I did ever get a chance deliver my request to clean the equipment. What if he got mad, or insulted, or would not listen to me or any other reason. I would again have to leave unsatisfied that the matter was not resolved. I was again powerless.

Finally, I accidentally met him in the exercise room again.This was after I had been thinking about this urge to talk to him for several months. Really. I was pretty dysfunctional For a  long time. I would get him off my mind but he would come back to continue to haunt me.Finally, I met him again in the exercise room. I was face to face with him. I told him that germs were a phobia for me and that I had noticed that he had not cleaned his machine a while back. He answered that he had a different system of cleaning equipment..

He said he cleaned his machine before he worked out. I never expected that answer. I responded what about the people using his machine after he had left it all sweated up. He answered something about he has been using the machines for 4 years and never had a problem.The, he walked away again leaving me unsatisfied. From then on, which was many months ago I have been utterly immobile. I keep deciding that this is not me it is my OCD. There has been so many situations like this and I know if I pursue this I will probably end up in trouble. Yet the urge to go back and confront him still overwhelms me and ruins my life. I stayed in all day today resisting the urge to go to the exercise room to see if he is there. I dare not hunt him down in this building even though I could because he surely would think I am crazy. That is true. I continually tell myself that now, finally, as I write this I will accept myself for what I am. A person with pure Obsessive Compulsive Behavior.

   None of my stuff has anything to do with courage to face fears. It has to do with my crazy brain that just wont let go of OCD thoughts until a more intense thought occurs to replace it or some horrid consequence takes place that discharges it. My thing I want to say to him is "will you wipe the machine a second time after you use it not just before you use it?"  If he would say yes to that the obsession with him would be over. But, the years have taught me, and I am 67 that a new obsession will just come to replace any resolved obsession even if he said exactly what I wanted him to. I would then think of something else I needed to explain to him and the cycle would resume.It would be a course of misery.

But, it is all emotional and I am an emotional wreck even though I put on a good facade.
Ah. This feels better. I have some relief by writing this. It is not another wasted day if I helped anyone who gets something from this dribble.At least I did.

Jackhammer Blasts OCD Sufferers Brain

I live in a beautiful studio apartment on the top floor of a fancy high rise in Chicago. I treasure my quiet, insulated space because I get freaked out so easily by noise, barking dogs, or any other disturbance that upsets my tranquility. It is caused by Obsessive Compulsive Disorder that causes me to interpret any intrusion as a threat to my peace of mind. Therefore, if a neighbor makes noise by playing loud music or walking loudly on the floor above I am on guard.


I feel I have to confront that person about the problem that I perceived. If that person turns out to be friendly and sympathetic and apologetic I would no longer care about the noise. I would get instant relief. If it was a person who acted angry or indifferent towards my complaint then I would start obsessing about confronting that person again and again intent on getting satisfaction..


This aspect of my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD ) has led to endless anxiety and many terrible and complicated confrontations with people. The problem is really not about the "noise". It is about me feeling victimized or bullied, which is my lifelong obsession.


I have been living in this same unit for over four years. Until last week I had never had any problem with my next door neighbor. I talked to this nice young lady only one time before to ask her not to close her door so loudly early in the morning when she went to work. The door closing woke me because it is located next to the wall my bed is next to. She said "I'm sorry" when I explained my discomfort and I never heard the door close loudly again and forgot about this annoyance. Even when she occasionally closed the door sharply I still did not care. I did not feel victimized or feel any need to confront her..



A few days ago I was awakened to the blasting sound of a jackhammer tearing into the attached wall. I couldn't believe what was happening. It was like a bombardment. I walked out into the hallway and heard the sounds of men working and jackhammering in the next door apartment. I knocked on the door and one of the building foremen working there, who I know, opened it. I said "what's going on?" He told me the condo had been sold and there would be construction with jackhammering going on until the end of the day. I told him that the noise was going to drive me crazy because I am home all day in my office. He said "don't worry, there will be only one day of this."



I left the building to get away from the noise but was beside myself with anxiety. What if the project was not over at the end of the day? But, OK I thought, maybe it will be. I tried to convince myself. I could not.


I came back home at night. Quiet. No construction could be done after 5 pm. The next day at 9 am. the jackhammer was exploding again into my wall. I went next door again and asked the foreman why the noise was still continuing, The foreman then told me that I should not worry. The noise would be over soon. I said "You told me it would be over yesterday" You didn't say anything about this going on today also."


He said that I had misunderstood him. The jackhammering should have been finished the day before, he agreed, but the job took longer then expected. He said the jackhammer would be done within a few hours. He apologized.

I asked " What about the rest of the job"?

He said the entire job would take two weeks. I asked "what else is involved?". He said "Just normal construction, nothing very disturbing." You will hear very little." I felt lied to again.
 

The next day there was loud noise from drilling, hammering, sawing, and scraping, i went to the building office to complain. I was told that Monday through Friday construction was permitted 9 am to 5 pm. Nobody would discuss it further. I would have to live with it.


So, I had a new problem which was the job would be lasting two weeks. Not one day which is what I thought. Also, I started to worry about the foreman being mad at me for complaining and intentionally making the noise worse whenever he could. I had always gotten along with him before. Not now. I feared him.


I could hardly sleep all night waiting for the noise to start again the next day. My brain was on fire with anxiety. I also had an appointment with a new shrink that day. I left to see the shrink before 9 am to avoid the noise I knew I would hearing. I sat at a Starbucks near the shrinks office for hours while a big construction project was going on outside. That loud noise never even bothered me.

I introduced myself to this new shrink and immediately launching into a whole hour about this jackhammer issue and all the related situations like this one that have dominated my life and caused me to be continually wracked with anxiety.

The shrink listened and then told me he could not help me immediately. I asked for medicine like Prozac, an SSRI .(brain pill in plain English) which I had resisted taking again for years because of side effects I had experienced long ago. I was ready to give medicine another try.

He said he had to see me again to understand more before prescribing medicine. He did give me some good advice reinforcing what I already knew.He said that none of my concerns about noises had anything to do with the real issue of low self esteem and my definition of being victimized and my concept of manhood tied into my anxiety.


I was tortured with anxiety about the loud noise I knew I would hear when I returned home all through the session.i was in a full blown OCD episode.



I went back home and heard the loud noises pouring through the wall.. I lasted about fifteen minutes listening to the screech of drills and the pounding of hammers and the scream of wood being sawed. Then, I jumped up and again knocked on the door and the foreman again opened it. His facial expression indicated he had had enough of me.


I said I needed to talk to him again outside. I gave him a cash Christmas present to sweeten him up. Then I said "the noise is loud and it is very disturbing which is not what you promised" He said "let me show you" and he took me into the apartment to show me exactly what was being done.

That was the best thing he could do to turn off my OCD. He had tried to make me feel better with some TLC. That was and always is the key to my overcoming these crazy obsessions..



With that gesture I started to release the anxiety I was overwhelmed with. The foreman showed understanding and compassion and I no longer felt victimized by the noise of the work being done.

Soon, I was back in my apartment concentrating on working and didn't even care about the noise for the next two weeks other then when it would get really loud. Then, I would just tune it out.like a normal person would...


It is Christmas day today and the apartment next door is silent. I keep listening for noises that I envision could be coming from the new owner who I saw had left some personal cleaning supplies. I am worried about any possible confrontations with this person who will be moving in. Is he noisy? Does he slam the door? Does he have a dog? Does he have loud parties?.


I had asked the foreman questions about the new owner and he said he knew very little except he was a young man. I automatically started wishing I could just make friends with this new owner fast and that we liked each other. Then, I would not be bothered by noises made in that apartment. I would be OK with his understanding if I ever needed it.


The life of a person with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is miserable.


It's a pain in the brain.

Jackammer Drills Into OCD Victims Head

I live in a convertible studio on the top floor of a high rise in Chicago. I treasure my quiet, insulated space because I get freaked out so easily by noise, barking dogs, or any other disturbance that upsets my tranquility.

It is all from my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder that causes me to interpret any intrusion as a threat to my peace of mind. Therefore, if a neighbor made noise by playing loud music or walking loudly on the floor above I would always be listening for the noise. I would feel I had to confront that person about the problem that I perceived.

If it turned out to be a kind, friendly person who apologized I would no longer care about the noise. If it was a neighbor who acted angry or indifferent towards my complaint then the problem would only bother me more. This aspect of my OCD has led to endless anxiety and many confrontations with people. The problem is really not about the "noise". It is about me feeling victimized or bullied, my lifelong obsession.

 I have been living in this condominium for over four years.  Until last week I had never had any problem with my new next door neighbor who had just moved in a few months before.  I talked to this nice young lady only one time to ask her to not close her door so loudly early in the morning when she went to work. The door closing woke me up because it is located next to the wall my bed is next to. She said sorry and I never heard the door close loudly again and forgot about this annoyance.

A few days ago I was awakened to the head banging sound of a jackhammer blasting away into the attached wall. I couldn't believe what was happening. I walked out into the hallway and heard the sounds of men working and jackhammering in the next door apartment.

 I knocked on the door and one of the building foreman working there I know opened it. He told me the condo  had been sold and there would be construction going on until the end of the day. I told him that the noise was going to drive me crazy because I am home all day in my home office.

I left and was beside myself with anxiety. What if the project was not over at the end of the day? Who would the new neighbor be? But, OK I thought, it will be over at the end of the day. Somehow, I did not believe him.

I left and came back home at the next day and the jackhammer was still exploding noise into my wall. I went next door again and asked the foreman why the noise was still continuing, The foreman then told me that I should not worry. The noise would be over soon., . I said "you told me it would be over yesterday"
"You didn't say anything about this going on today also."

He said  that I had misunderstood him. The jackhammering should have been done the day before but the crew was late. He said it would be done within a few hours. He apologized  I asked " What about the rest of the job"?  He said the entire job  would take two weeks. I said what is involved. He said "Just normal construction, nothing very disturbing." You will hear very little."  I felt lied to again.

I said "I want to go down to the office and talk to the building manager". He said "fine, lets go". We did and the office did not even know there was construction going on in that space and told the foreman to provide the proper papers and get construction approval. The foreman said OK and he left. Nobody would discuss noise when I protested..

So, I had a new problem which was the job would be lasting two weeks. Also, I started to worry about  the foreman being mad at me and making the noise worse whenever he could. I had always gotten along with him. Not now.

 I was told by the building manager the building rules allowed for construction in apartments between 9 am and 5 pm Monday through Saturday. Period.

 I could not sleep all night waiting for the noise to start the next day.. I also had an appointment with a new shrink that same morning to go to. I ended up getting a few hours of bad sleep because I was on fire with anxiety. I left before 9am tortured with anxiety about loud noise I knew I would hear when I returned home.

I ended up introducing myself to this new shrink and immediately launching into a whole hour about this jackhammer issue and all the related situations like this one that have dominated my life and caused me to be  continually wracked with anxiety. The shrink listened and then told me he could not help me immediately. I asked for a medicine like Prozac, an SSRI, (brain pill in plain English) which I had resisted taking again for years because of side effects I had experienced long ago. I was ready again.

He said he had to see me again to understand more before prescribing medicine. He did give me some good advice reinforcing what I already knew which was that none of my concerns about noises had anything to do with the real issue of low self esteem and my definition of being victimized and my concept of manhood..

I went back home and heard loud noises but no jackhammering. I lasted about fifteen minutes listening to the screech of drills and the pounding of hammers.  I again knocked on the door and the foreman opened it. His facial expression indicated he had had enough of me.

I said I needed to talk to him again outside and gave him a cash Christmas present to sweeten him up. I said "the noise is loud and it is very disturbing which is not what you said"   He said "let me show you" and took me into the apartment to show me exactly what was being done.

As he did that I started to lose some of the anxiety I had built up. Soon I was back in my apartment concentrating on working and didn't even care about the noise.

 It is Christmas day today and the apartment next door is silent. I keep listening for noises that I envision could be coming from the new owner who I saw had left some cleaning supplies. I am worried about any possible confrontations with this person who is the new owner.

 I asked the foreman questions about the new owner and he said he knew very little except he was a young man.. I automatically started thinking about parties, noise, loud music and wished I could just make friends with this new owner..

The life of a person with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is miserable.

OCD: Not Acting Out Is The Objective

I was working at a pizza place in Chicago a while back. There were many drivers working there and they represented a wide variety of individuals.  The ages ranged from 21 to 65 and I was one of the older ones who were generally not the objects of attention. However, being old did not give me any exemption from the OCD demons that have plagued me.

 I overheard a remark this guy made about Jewish people. I confronted him immediately.and he did not want to apologize and I would not let it go. I quit working there. I eventually came back there to confront him again. I ended up swinging at him. He threw me to the ground telling me to stop swinging or he would hurt me. I left but still could not get closure.

It ended a few months later with me begging him for forgiveness after I finally gathered the courage to go back there again to apologize. It was not about the Jewish remark anymore. It never had been. It was about how living with the remark had made me into an anxiety ridden mess. Like someone who is not allowed to check the door or stove again and again feels the urge ala Jack Nicholson in "As Good As It Gets".Same thing.

 I always think I have to confront anyone who has bullied me in some way. The bullying comes sometimes with another person making a comment to me or to someone else that offends me.
 It could be a remark about the Jewish religion. That's been a big area.

It's not that I am really sensitive when someone says something offensive about Jewish people. It's that I cannot feel comfortable about being around that person until I have confronted them about what they said.
 I usually respond but not in the perfect way I wanted to. Then, I start thinking about the what ifs.

 I become overwhelmed by the perceived insult or comment and cannot think about anything else until I get closure. I get nervous, jittery, anxious, scared about consequences and all the feelings one feels when they decide they will confront the schoolyard bully and wait fearfully to do it.

Relief usually comes from a successful confrontation. Successful means the person who made the remark, when challenged, apologizes or somehow shows that they  meant no insult. If that person gets angry at being challenged about a remark they are being called out on and they refuse to give me relief then the situation escalates. 

I will go back to that person again and again if I can. Or, I will become possessed by the remark replaying it over and over. It will occupy my mind for days, weeks, months, or even years.  It will take many forms until I actually forget about the original cause of my anxiety. So, I, am constantly the victim of my own mind.

That has been  happening forever. The irony is that it is usually not really about what I heard. It is about my sick mind staying tortured until I can get rid of the obsession to respond. I have the need to prove to myself again that I have the courage to stand up for myself or fight back. The courage I lacked and still lack in many instances.

 I was bullied when I was younger and tried for all these years to get over it. That's what my whole thing is about.  It's about not feeling safe and comfortable  until I confront the bully no matter what form the bully is in Just like being scared to stand up for myself when I was little and was afraid or unwilling to hit back.

It is always connected to a person I want to overcome the feeling of being intimidated by. It could start with a barking dog but it is always about confronting the owner. If the owner is a nice little lady I stop caring about the barking. The underlying factor is that I'm  looking for reassurance that I am not being bullied.

It has happened where a situation started with a remark a person made and it ends up with me apologizing to them, after me being unsuccessful in getting an apology. I desperately want the relief of getting closure with that person.  I cannot get my mind back until I do.

I have suffered brutally from this OCD condition in other areas.  Needing to explain myself when I think I have said or done something wrong. I slightly brushed against someones car a while back doing no damage. I could not stop going back to the car over and over checking it again. Then, even after a few weeks I hesitated going down the street where it was parked because it would trigger OCD feelings.

Fortunately, relief came by just accepting the feeling of living with the urge to check that car again knowing it was my OCD causing it. That was an accomplishment. Resolving that car thing from within was terrific. The real underlying fear was a confrontation with the owner of the car. I knew that but it is so hard not to act when the urge is there.

 I continually try to work OCD urges out in my mind and keep vowing to only do the work internally rather then acting out. It is hard. Even after lots of cognitive and talk therapy, SSRI medicines, I suffer terribly. Each day is filled with anxiety. but, not acting is a big achievement. Not acting out is the objective to OCD.

 It takes a lot of work but I'm way better now then in the past. The  real solution to relieving OCD urges is when you need only your own understanding to resolve them. That's real success.

But, it has not always worked that way. I have gotten into terrible trouble engaging people for no reason. The biggest victim has been myself. Most of my life has been tormented every day by some OCD situation preventing me from living.

So, the real bully is my inability to confront the OCD that lives within me and not act on it