DAVID'S PLACE:

There ought to be a law against people who go to a Starbucks bathroom, flush the toilet, turn on the hand blower, and then do not immediately open the door and leave.  It's so rude to professional Starbucks pissers who are listening to the hand dryer thinking they will be able to relieve themselves when the blower goes silent.  Just the other day I stopped at my favorite Starbucks which is on my delivery route. I had a fierce urge to take a piss. My old bladder was bursting.  I entered and looked at the single bathroom door and there was no one waiting to go in. Relief, I felt happy for a second. Then, I turned the handle of the door and it was locked. "Shit," I mumbled quietly.  I started swaying nervously waiting to hear the toilet flush. It did quickly, Then the hand blower started blasting away.  Ah. Thank goodness. Relief was a few seconds away. I then heard the blower turn off and I already had my hand on my zipper in anticipation of emptying my b...

  I woke up this morning in terror about my life. Broke and three days from being homeless thanks to my fucking girlfriend - ex-girlfriend. She gave me the boot just because my old dick won't go up all the time. Ok. Most of the time . Fine. Almost never. I get it. My dick is really a problem. But, its only been bad for 7 or 8 years.  No big deal I tell her. "That's right" she says. "Your dick used to be a big deal. Now its mush just like the person its attached to. You two belong together. Two worthless . I don't know.... Things.  Three days to find another sucker for free rent . Good luck. Your ex- main asset  is now as useless as rotten eggs"   I hobbled over to to  the computer table to take my pills. I glanced at the computer screen and my heart jumped.. I'm not too sharp but I do know a good deal when I see one. She thinks I'm dumb. Ha.  There it was. On the screen in big, bold print  an offer that said." We can make you wealthy wit...

Shit can happen at any time. When you are a 69 year old guy who is not in great health to begin with beware of potential failures in your major bodily systems especially the  gastrointestinal system (the bowels) when you do not have good control. I have had Irritable Bowel Syndrome, (IBS)  for a long time. That condition results in many episodes of stomach distress such as gas, bloating, constipation and diarrhea. Well, disaster struck a few days ago. I was driving on a busy Chicago st. when I felt bad gas pains. I knew diarrhea was coming quickly so I started looking for any structure with a toilet. I did not care where parked. I was ready to stop in the middle of the street. It was that bad. I spotted a building with a parking lot and pulled in. My load was about to explode as I opened the car door and bolted for the entrance of wherever I was.  I got about two steps and I knew I was a goner. The diarrhea exploded into my underwear soaking through my jeans. My stoma...

Being born was the first mistake. Somewheres around 1947 daddy had sex with mommy maybe for the last time. Even though she was 47 years old it did not matter. She got pregnant anyway.with me.  That was 70 years ago and life has been a disaster ever since I crawled out of the womb. Dad died suddenly when I was twelve years old and mom already had two grown sons ages twenty four and twenty five. They had moved out of the house and gotten married. Dad had made lots of money by being very smart in real estate investments and in several retail businesses he owned. He left plenty of money for mom and so she would  never have to work or worry about surviving. My two older brothers, my mom, and myself were all left percentages of his estate, my mom and I splitting a third and the brothers each getting a third. My assets went into a trust fund frozen until I was 21. My age to get the trust assets should have been 62 and I would not be broke now. The successful family businesses dad...

Back in 1947 my Mom and Dad had sex. I was the result and now I sit in my a little apartment almost 70 years later barely surviving. What a remarkable unforced error that act of love created. I have had a life filled with  many wonderful benefits that most can only dream of. Yet, I have screwed it all up. I was born into a family where there were already two older brothers twelve and thirteen years my seniors. Then, when I was only twelve daddy suddenly dropped dead leaving my two older brothers in charge of a very profitable family business which they already had been working in. My mom, myself, and the two brothers all were willed equal parts of the business with my end being entrusted to my mom till I was twenty five.. I was not a normal kid at all. I hated school and was always in trouble. I was not a bad boy just a clown and a spoiled brat. I did not care about school unlike my group of upper middle class friends who mostly went on to become lawyers and doctors. I contin...