Celebrating Freedom From OCD

I am celebrating today. My obsessive compulsive mind is clear. It's a miracle. I am old now and have been perpetually  plagued each day with one OCD thought or another for 50 years.

 The problem for me are the thoughts I feel I have to act out on to relieve the overwhelming anxiety that keeps me in bed many days and keeps me swallowing valiums and xanaxes to function at all..

But, not today. Today, thankfully my mind is clear. So far. I have no obsessive thoughts tormenting me. I have no dangerous missions to accomplish such as confronting someone who offended me.  I am savoring this moment.

There was a guy who I had insulted and I humiliated who said he would never forgive me. I could not stand the mental anguish and fear of knowing his feelings. I had to get his forgiveness. I was afraid to go where he went, to see his car, to talk to others who know him simply because all of those triggered a feeling of needing to apologize to him which I thought would make it worse and more complicated..

I have made those kind of situations worse many times in the past. Trying to talk or meet with someone who did not want to deal with me.
.
I did not think he would accept my amends. Finally, after six months I ran into him by accident. I apologized and he shook hands with me. Ahhh. What relief.

But, that still left another guy who I played ball with. I had tortured myself about allowing him to verbally bully me on the field by allowing him to bark orders to me about how I should play my position. I tormented myself for not speaking up to him when the bullying was happening. I dreaded going tothe  softball games that are played several times a week.

I was in  a hyper vigilant state yesterday again waiting to see him because he did not come to the games regularly.Also, I did not know what I would say to avoid exacerbating a conflict he did not even know existed. Finally, I saw him yesterday and apologized for any problem we had in the past which he admitted he was totally unaware of. But, that apology took him off my mind.The interaction did it.

At the same time, with both of these people I kept trying to convince myself that I could resolve my issues internally. I tried again and again, as I have always done in the past to convince myself that I did not need to do anything other then accept, refocus and revalue using the cognitive thinking.I have practiced for so long  unsuccessfully..

The "it's not me it's my ocd" chant works But, cognitive therapy is an excruciating mental process.

 Adjusting my mind to the anguish and struggling that comes from OCD is a ferocious task. Applying cognitive thinking  seems so much harder then just acting on a compulsion. But, that is a lie. It just feels good to say that this moment when I am free from the constraints of a demented, obsessive mind..

Well, in the end dealing with each person directly eliminated the problem. Cleverly making contact with both and apologizing, extinguished each  issue but at a huge mental price. Not the correct method but...oh well!!.

Solutions come from within especially with mental illness.

But those are only two out of so many other similar situations. Some  have turned out very badly. I have driven myself crazy, driven others crazy, had my life torn apart  by some random person who I thought I had to settle something with but who did not see things my way.. I have been put in jail, been put on probation, been beaten up, you name it, all to relieve a problem that anyone would have easily dismissed with no action..

I have stayed at home for days obsessed about something or been outside but living in my own hell.and not present except physically.

 I know there is so much work to be done to transform my life to menatal health without having to confront people to feel better.

The demons are resting now.
 It's time to work hard on the inside of myself to keep those demons quiet..

I know that is the only solution.

Hillary: Tell Me It Ain't So

They say write wriite write.  So, here I go again.
Hillary Clinton  was apparently miappropriating funds sent to the Clinton charitable foundation.
Impossible!!

The 33K emails she deleted was ok with me. That seemed like business. Unseemly, but business.                 I understand that. But, I do not get stealing charitable contributions. Unconscionable.

I still believe Clinton is the best choice for President because Trump is a total incompetent idiot with severe emotional problems.
He would destroy the country.

But, Hillary, tell me it ain't so.

Send Me Jokes I Can Use Here

Please, tell me a joke I can use here? I'm so sad.

Sexually Stalked By Online Crazy Lady

Internet Fatal Attraction

  i felt undeniable animI was cruising my favorite Internet dating sight a while ago and the ultimate sexual fantasy happened. I looked at the picture and profile of a gorgeous, seductive looking, tall red head with big tits, long legs, and unal magnetism.

I was cruising my favorite Internet dating sight a while ago and the ultimate sexual fantasy happened. I looked at the picture and profile of a gorgeous, seductive looking, tall red head with big tits, long legs, and undeniable animal magnetism.

She was jumping through the screen beseeching me to go after her. She described herself as being all about fun and gratification and wanting a magical man who could enjoy blissful pleasure with her.
 

Well, I am a 45 year old inveterate addict attracted to any kind of action be it women, food alcohol, drugs, and especially sex. The rush is what I live for. . So, I immediately contacted her via email and we exchanged phone numbers and the craziness began. One thing you don’t do on an Internet dating site is get into any intimate conversations  let alone hot sexual phone talk when the person on the other end might be a beast that you will want to run from when you meet. You go slowly on online dating.  Very slowly, no matter who you are.

No matter how well, a person learns to dress up their picture and profile an undesirable is still going to be undesirable when the meeting face to face happens. Discretion is always the better part of valor   Do not get personal until you meet. That’s the rule.

Well, when I got on the phone with Ellie I quickly threw away the rule book. We spoke briefly like the two old dating pros we were covering normal niceties such as our  histories, food preferences, travel experiences, other relationships and a few other things.

Then, we did the no no. We got intimate.  Our first conversation was amazingly free flowing and we were cerebral lovers instatntly. Sweet, supercharged, sexual prose flowed easily between us like two dancers who had practiced forever.  We were both aware that we had violated the primary rule of Internet dating but neither of us cared. We were sure we would be great in person and .the phone sex was so much fun and fed right into our mutual hungers for sexual action.

However,  just in case things didn’t work out we did make an agreement that when I got to the stairwell below her apartment and we were in full view of each other then all bets were off if there was not mutual attraction. She or I could call it all off with no explanation and just walk away. Perfect. Well, the big night came and there I stood on the stairs below her walk up apartment.

She buzzed me in.  I walked up to the floor below her and feasted my eyes upon a tall, sexy beauty with giant tits, a tight ass, and long, lean legs. Everything was just as advertised. Wowie!!!  Suddenly I only cared about what she thought of me.  Please, I thought. Please.  I knew I was golden when she smiled at me as I walked in her door, modeled for her and she gasped “Yes” as she fixed her eyes with no shame right on my crotch.

It only got better. We were dying to get into each others mouths and bodies but we had restrained and not even touched until after a romantic dinner. We were savoring every second to keep turning up our heat.  

As the car door closed we threw away our restraints. We grabbed and jumped all over each other like hungry animals.  It was a steaming sexual frenzy. She started to lick my ear  and play with my hard cock and I grabbed her wet panties and stuck my hands all over her wet pussy as we made a beeline back to her apartment. We were quickly rolling around her big  bed getting high on reefer with steam pouring out of our sexual organs. It was fantastic. We made love for hours and hours, went to sleep about 6 am, woke up a few hours later and kept going all day till we couldn’t go anymore. We went out for dinner and both ate like a lions that hadn’t been fed in a week.

She wanted me to immediately move in with her which seemed like a good idea. She had a nice big apartment, no kids and I was as free as a bird having been broken up with my last girlfriend for about 6 months. I had been divorced for 15 years for obvious reasons. So, I was as free as a bird. So was she after a long list of relationships all over the country.

We began a routine of seeing each other every day although we worked different hours We found plenty of time. Our lovemaking stayed frantically hot even after a month passed. It seemed the fire would never go out. I kept bringing clothes over to her place. She cooked candlelight dinners and we had a good time doing things like going to movies, eating dinner out, going to book stores, and going dancing.  After about 2 months I decided to introduce Ellie to my 2 kids then 12 and 15 years old. They liked her. That was good.

It was all good until the fateful night I went out to dinner with my much older brother and his wife. I had confided some personal information to Ellie about family matters just as a test because I had noticed that she talked too much generally but especially when she drank. Too much talking would be a deal breaker.

It had always troubled me to hear her reveal very sensitive, personal information about her own family and past relationships. I did not like that. It would be unacceptable if we were going to have a future.  Then Ellie started drinking and the next thing you know she was spilling her guts to them about how I had told her I had been mistreated as a child, financial information I told her about, and other information I trusted her not to repeat.  She failed the trust test miserably.

There was no interest or pause on her part to even think before she blurted out more and more I had told her.  So, I was really pissed but held it in until we got back to her apartment. Then I started yelling at her and demeaning her for being ignorant and having a big mouth.

I told her I never wanted too see her again and I meant it. I went back to my own apartment and had no contact with her until she soon started calling and harassing me like a lunatic.  She would scream profanities and insults in an uncontrolled way in phone calls that reached twenty or thirty in one hour each time she started calling continually over several weeks..  

I realized that to end her tormenting me I had to take decisive action. So I did. I called her supervisor at work as I had threatened to do. The supervisor listened to me tell her the tale of Ellie harassing me relentlessly and insanely on the phone for several weeks. .

Considering Ellie was a therapist in a psycho ward and I was talking to the head nurse I never would have imagined things could get worse after my call. Wrong. To my amazement her supervisor tore into me and blamed me and all men for Ellis troubles and her own troubles. She said “you are just another misogynist pig. Ellie was fine until she met you a few months ago. Now, she is a basket case. What did you do to her you asshole?”  Then she hung up.

I was shaking like a leaf I had to get this nut away from me but she continued to call and rant and rave several times a week, day and night for another week or so,  So, I decided fear would be the only weapon I had to battle Ellie with.  I told her that I had recorded of all her crazy calls which I still have, and kept notes and remembered all her drunken ramblings when she had bragged about her sexual exploits with celebrities, high ranking politicians and some well known government officials. Very embarrassing stuff and harm could have come to her.

She had been involved with some important people in her 43 years. I told her that one more call to me ever and each of those people, some of who I had already found, would be given recordings of her drunken phone calls to me the and  explicit details of what she had told me she had done with them.. Suddenly, her voice grew soft. “Please don’t” she begged. She was scared straight because she had been in some bad stuff. “I will never call or bother you again”. She hasn’t.

OCD AND CONFRONTING A SWEATY NEIGHBOR

No. This will not be another wasted day of my life. I stayed inside all day long. I also stayed home several days this week battling another ridiculous, illogical bout of OCD that has destroyed my life despite drugs, therapy, and self help. I get a thought on my mind, usually of a fear I feel I must confront. Then, I start to analyze the consequences of acting on the urge. Interestingly, the urge can be knocking on a neighbors door who is playing loud music, telling someone who is sitting behind me at the movies to stop making noise, or telling a rude delivery man to stop abusing a little old lady. My obsessive compulsive disorder is all about fear4. But, it also more about the consequences of telling that person to be quiet or facing a fear because doing so has exacerbated situations so that the next thing I know I am trying to track down that deliveryman or neighbor, or person sitting behind me in the movie so I can further explain myself after I had acted out to relieve the urge only to make it worse. Acting out to reliever OCD urges has actually landed me in jail for stalking and trespassing. So, I just cant let things go however how benign.
   So, today is Sunday January 10, 2016. A year ago or so there was a guy in the fitness room of my high rise building who was working out but did not sanitize the equipment he was using after he was done. The protocol is that everyone sanitize their equipment after using it although there is no written rule to do so.. I saw this guy get ready to leave without cleaning the bicycle he was working out on. Hi friend also did not clean up after himself but I did not care about him. So, you see, it was not really about sanitation. It was about not being victimized. I wanted to say something to him such as " please clean the bicycle"  but I did not. I hated myself for not acting. Fear. My lifelong enemy. I got it in my mind that I had to confront this total stranger about sanitizing the equipment after using it.

But, I did not know how to go about it. I had missed the moment. I did not know which floor he lived on, how to not seem crazy if I did manage to find him.  Or, if I met him in the building sometime how to just confront him with my desire to tell him to sanitize the equipment. Then, I started to figure out what I would say to him if I did ever get a chance deliver my request to clean the equipment. What if he got mad, or insulted, or would not listen to me or any other reason. I would again have to leave unsatisfied that the matter was not resolved. I was again powerless.

Finally, I accidentally met him in the exercise room again.This was after I had been thinking about this urge to talk to him for several months. Really. I was pretty dysfunctional For a  long time. I would get him off my mind but he would come back to continue to haunt me.Finally, I met him again in the exercise room. I was face to face with him. I told him that germs were a phobia for me and that I had noticed that he had not cleaned his machine a while back. He answered that he had a different system of cleaning equipment..

He said he cleaned his machine before he worked out. I never expected that answer. I responded what about the people using his machine after he had left it all sweated up. He answered something about he has been using the machines for 4 years and never had a problem.The, he walked away again leaving me unsatisfied. From then on, which was many months ago I have been utterly immobile. I keep deciding that this is not me it is my OCD. There has been so many situations like this and I know if I pursue this I will probably end up in trouble. Yet the urge to go back and confront him still overwhelms me and ruins my life. I stayed in all day today resisting the urge to go to the exercise room to see if he is there. I dare not hunt him down in this building even though I could because he surely would think I am crazy. That is true. I continually tell myself that now, finally, as I write this I will accept myself for what I am. A person with pure Obsessive Compulsive Behavior.

   None of my stuff has anything to do with courage to face fears. It has to do with my crazy brain that just wont let go of OCD thoughts until a more intense thought occurs to replace it or some horrid consequence takes place that discharges it. My thing I want to say to him is "will you wipe the machine a second time after you use it not just before you use it?"  If he would say yes to that the obsession with him would be over. But, the years have taught me, and I am 67 that a new obsession will just come to replace any resolved obsession even if he said exactly what I wanted him to. I would then think of something else I needed to explain to him and the cycle would resume.It would be a course of misery.

But, it is all emotional and I am an emotional wreck even though I put on a good facade.
Ah. This feels better. I have some relief by writing this. It is not another wasted day if I helped anyone who gets something from this dribble.At least I did.

Fear Would Not Let Me Fuck

Many years ago I went to visit a friend in Arizona. I was in my forties. My older friend introduced me to his younger daughter who I knew previously on only a superficial basis. She had never looked very good to me.  She was too heavy. But, she had gotten in shape and was a knockout when shes passed by her dads swimming pool a day or so after I arrived to visit him. I told him that his daughter looked great and that I would like to go out with her. He called her and told her of my interest but she said she had no time because her and her boyfriend were on their way to a tennis tournament and would not be back in town for several days. "Oh shit" I thought. "Too bad".
 
Shortly thereafter  the phone rang. Her plans to go out of town with her boyfriend were cancelled due to an argument they had had. She asked her dad if "that guy still wanted to go out with her"? He told me of her interest.. He then put me on the phone with her. I said  "I would like to get together" and we made plans to go out for Chinese food that same night. She said come to her complex to a swimming party scheduled earlier that night and  then we could go out for dinner. The party was loaded with young, hot professional people who only wanted to drink, smoke reefer, and party. I had a great time as this hot woman introduced me to her friends and neighbors.

Later, when the party was over she took me back to her room while we changed clothes. She and I talked casually.  I had known her dad for a long time but I had never really talked to his daughter before. She never had  looked good enough to me but now it was different.. Being in the sunny weather and working out had done wonders for her. She always had a good face and big rack. Now, she was a bomb.

Anyway, we were soon sitting in a Chinese restaurant and I was eating hot and sour soup. I was slurping away and suddenly she said "you're a "hazer" which is a friendly way to call someone a pig in Jewish. She smiled widely at me and she actually looked into my eyes with interest.

 I was in love immediately. Later, after listening to some music at a club we went back to her apartment presumably.so I could pick up  my car and get my swimming clothes.. I came into her apartment and just sat and gazed at her. She read my mind.

 "No, no no" she cautioned.. "You're my fathers friend and I think of you as a brother." The moment had arrived to put her to the test. I took a deep breath like I have so many other times when I was about to do something I feared..

"Guess what" I said. "Your brother wants to eat your pussy"
She laughed hysterically and said.. "It would be like incest" I smiled  "So what I said"""I never did incest ,did you"?. "It will be a new dining experience".

I moved toward her and kissed her deeply.. She responded. Next thing I knew she was ripping off both of our clothes .
Then, disaster struck.My dick would not co-operate. It was lymph. She started to suck my cock but with no results. I went into panic mode. This was before Viagra or Cialis and my cock had always been temperamental anyway.. Any noise, loud music, arguing, or other distractions would completely throw me off.sexually.

We smoked some reefer which used to be my wonder drug. No dice. But she didn't just send me away. She told me not to worry about it. It was just "performance anxiety" and would go away in the morning.. She said she just wanted to hold me as we laid naked in her bed. I naturally was tormented and could not sleep all night ruminating  about not being able to perform.

She woke up early the next morning and went to teach school. She left me her car and house keys and got a ride to school. I laid there trying to mentally prepare myself for our next sexual encounter. She came home later in the afternoon and we went out for lunch and went to get me a haircut. Not a word was mentioned about my "performance anxiety. The same night we were back in bed again. She had found some real passion for me even with my missing hard on. I could feel her genuine feelings emerge.as she held me and kissed my lips.

We started to make love again. Finally, my cock came around and we had sex. My hard on popped up. It was wonderful. Being inside her was heaven. We seemed made for each other.

Afterward we walked onto the outside walkway  for some fresh air.  I noticed this weird looking guy a few doors down who made a stupid remark to her about me.  It was an  insulting comment about who is this new guy?. I was going to answer but she said "No, don't talk to him. He's crazy" So, considering my neurotic, fearful brain all I could think of was confronting this dude.  I knew he had thrown me off. I knew I would have performance trouble again. I got that familiar sick feeling in my stomach that I had experienced since I was a little boy. I was intimidated. Intimidation had always done it.. Later, I again could not get it up again because of the anxiety I felt thinking about this guy..

It takes very little to put me in a fearful and impotent state. It has always been that way. I did tell her about my need to talk to or confront this guy to get him off my mind. I knew that my only chance to feel good again was by interacting with him somehow. By talking to him, hitting him, saying something nasty or anything other then just leaving the situation alone.She said to have absolutely no interaction with him. She said she hated him but she had to live in the same complex and on the same floor as him and she did not want me to cause a problem.

She was right. My attempts to remedy my neurotic fears had  failed many times in the past and I had made many situations worse when I was trying to prove my manhood and relieve whatever terrible anxiety was incapacitating me..

So, I was stuck with a lymph dick and fear in my stomach from this guy. and I had with no tools to fix my head. This was long before I knew about cognitive behavior, prozac, valium, or any associated psychological methods of coping with anxiety and fear. I felt I had to have interaction with him or whatever I needed to do to release his psychological grip on my brain and libido.. It could have been as simple as just introducing myself and shaking hands with him. Most likely though I would have exacerbated the problem if I made contact with him.

 All he had done was make one baseless remark I should have been able to dismiss it. But my obsessive compulsive disorder previously  prevented any relief in those kind of situations. Countless hours of therapy and self help have resolved most of  my OCD issues but it has taken a lot of work. It was a terrible time back then. I had no coping tools to relieve my mind..

I never was able to get my cock going again with her even though she was wonderful and patient. I could not deliver what we both wanted. Finally, I flew back home depressed and frutrated..We saw each other a few more times over the years..We never did got right.

My sexuality was temporarily destroyed by a single incident from a total stranger. It all came from being bullied and being made to not feel like a man when I was a child.. I have overcome most of my insecurities at the age of 67 but it has been a painful disabling.journey.

Bully Takes A Beating

There was a bully by the name of Gary who transferred to our grammar school when we were twelve. I saw him and immediately my sense of well being was threatened. I sensed trouble. I became vigilant about him knowing my own vulnerability for being bullied. I was a chicken plain and simple and dreaded bullies.
Gary was the type of kid who tried to intimidate anyone who would show any weakness or fear toward him. The bullying could take place in the classroom when the teacher was not looking, in the bathroom, the lunchroom, in the park, or the playground. No place in the neighborhood was safe for me. He would assault any boy he sensed would be a victim. It seems that bullies can tell who will be their prey.

I met Gary in grade school when we were both twelve years old. He looked at me in the bathroom and said "what are you?” I said" what do you mean"? He looked straight in my face and I knew he had my number. Fear and dread ran through my stomach. He said "stays away from me man" "I don't like you already" "What's your name?" "David", I answered. "You a tough guy?" he asked. "I'm OK" I answered fearfully. "No, your not" he answered and walked away. He smelled me.

One day he was pitching softball in gym class. He made the slow pitch game into his own fast pitch game and started throwing balls at the head of everyone who came up to bat.
He had a lot of the kids who were playing scared to death. He hit me in the face with the ball and I did nothing in response. After the game, as we walked back to class, He pushed and slapped several kids to see who would be his marks. He hit me in the gut and I doubled over in pain. My friends watched me try to catch my breath.

It was the same situation at recess. Gary would just walk around bullying people he already had intimidated and looking for new victims. I was constantly sick to my stomach with fear just being near him. He had humiliated me several more times by knocking me around in front of all my friends. I did not have the guts to fight back so I just took his abuse and hated myself for cowardliness.

He was a blond haired, skinny monster who kept getting scarier and scarier as the school year went on. He fought several older boys and won the fights enhancing his reputation. Gary had no friends but only acquaintances who tried to avoid his wrath by patronizing him.

The day of reckoning did come for Gary. He decided to challenge a very tough kid with a big reputation as a ferocious fighter. The guys name was Jerry and he was actually a nice guy who was studious but was mean and could fight. I had seen him demolish a high school kid who he fought in front of the the school one day. The fight between Gary and Jerry was scheduled at the park.

Fight day came and it seemed that about 200 kids showed up to watch. I was there. The fight was a wipe out. Gary went at Jerry fists flying swinging them wildly. Jerry just stood still, blocked a few punches and then hit Gary in the nose with a hay maker. Gary's nose cracked like a twig that had been snapped. Blood poured out like a broken pipe. Gary was finished immediately. He pulled away and buried his face in his shirt to absorb the blood. He held up his hands in a defensive position looking at Jerry for mercy as he backed up.. Jerry grinned. He moved slowly toward the hurt and scared Gary. He knew he owned Gary now.
Jerry said
I don’t like you” Jerry said to Gary.
 Then, ,Jerry grabbed him and then put him in a headlock and hit him in his bloody face with four brutally hard, perfectly placed uppercuts. Gary's face looked like it had gone through a meet grinder. His mouth was bleeding heavily as Jerry finally let screaming Gary out of the headlock. It was a slaughter and now it was over.
Jerry stood there, having hardly gotten a workout. He merely grinned at all the kids watching.  He had made himself an instant legend. Jerry did not gloat or stick around to celebrate. He walked back to where he had put his books down, picked them up and walked away without looking back...

Gary was sitting on a bench several feet away trying to wipe his bloody face off and holding his broken nose He had no supporters.

I looked at him and started to loathe myself for not having what it took to stand up to him.
Why had I let him humiliate me? Even if he would have beaten me if I had fought him I would still have had my dignity. Instead, I was just another chicken. Feelings of inadequacy overcame me

The kids all walked away mumbling about how really tough Jerry was and also mumbling I told you so to each other about what piece of crap Gary really was and that he wasn’t tough.

The question was why had anyone ever let Gary shove them around? The answer was obvious.
Everyone was afraid too stand up to Gary. Everyone is always afraid in our society. It's natural to be.. But, not for everyone. Not for guys like Jerry.That's why we respect tough guys. Because they are willing to face the fear we are not willing or able to

Bullies are only bullies because they can be. Beware of the Jerry's bullies..