Showing posts with label writing for OCD. Show all posts
Showing posts with label writing for OCD. Show all posts

Sunday, January 10, 2016

OCD AND CONFRONTING A SWEATY NEIGHBOR

No. This will not be another wasted day of my life. I stayed inside all day long. I also stayed home several days this week battling another ridiculous, illogical bout of OCD that has destroyed my life despite drugs, therapy, and self help. I get a thought on my mind, usually of a fear I feel I must confront. Then, I start to analyze the consequences of acting on the urge. Interestingly, the urge can be knocking on a neighbors door who is playing loud music, telling someone who is sitting behind me at the movies to stop making noise, or telling a rude delivery man to stop abusing a little old lady. My obsessive compulsive disorder is all about fear4. But, it also more about the consequences of telling that person to be quiet or facing a fear because doing so has exacerbated situations so that the next thing I know I am trying to track down that deliveryman or neighbor, or person sitting behind me in the movie so I can further explain myself after I had acted out to relieve the urge only to make it worse. Acting out to reliever OCD urges has actually landed me in jail for stalking and trespassing. So, I just cant let things go however how benign.
   So, today is Sunday January 10, 2016. A year ago or so there was a guy in the fitness room of my high rise building who was working out but did not sanitize the equipment he was using after he was done. The protocol is that everyone sanitize their equipment after using it although there is no written rule to do so.. I saw this guy get ready to leave without cleaning the bicycle he was working out on. Hi friend also did not clean up after himself but I did not care about him. So, you see, it was not really about sanitation. It was about not being victimized. I wanted to say something to him such as " please clean the bicycle"  but I did not. I hated myself for not acting. Fear. My lifelong enemy. I got it in my mind that I had to confront this total stranger about sanitizing the equipment after using it.

But, I did not know how to go about it. I had missed the moment. I did not know which floor he lived on, how to not seem crazy if I did manage to find him.  Or, if I met him in the building sometime how to just confront him with my desire to tell him to sanitize the equipment. Then, I started to figure out what I would say to him if I did ever get a chance deliver my request to clean the equipment. What if he got mad, or insulted, or would not listen to me or any other reason. I would again have to leave unsatisfied that the matter was not resolved. I was again powerless.

Finally, I accidentally met him in the exercise room again.This was after I had been thinking about this urge to talk to him for several months. Really. I was pretty dysfunctional For a  long time. I would get him off my mind but he would come back to continue to haunt me.Finally, I met him again in the exercise room. I was face to face with him. I told him that germs were a phobia for me and that I had noticed that he had not cleaned his machine a while back. He answered that he had a different system of cleaning equipment..

He said he cleaned his machine before he worked out. I never expected that answer. I responded what about the people using his machine after he had left it all sweated up. He answered something about he has been using the machines for 4 years and never had a problem.The, he walked away again leaving me unsatisfied. From then on, which was many months ago I have been utterly immobile. I keep deciding that this is not me it is my OCD. There has been so many situations like this and I know if I pursue this I will probably end up in trouble. Yet the urge to go back and confront him still overwhelms me and ruins my life. I stayed in all day today resisting the urge to go to the exercise room to see if he is there. I dare not hunt him down in this building even though I could because he surely would think I am crazy. That is true. I continually tell myself that now, finally, as I write this I will accept myself for what I am. A person with pure Obsessive Compulsive Behavior.

   None of my stuff has anything to do with courage to face fears. It has to do with my crazy brain that just wont let go of OCD thoughts until a more intense thought occurs to replace it or some horrid consequence takes place that discharges it. My thing I want to say to him is "will you wipe the machine a second time after you use it not just before you use it?"  If he would say yes to that the obsession with him would be over. But, the years have taught me, and I am 67 that a new obsession will just come to replace any resolved obsession even if he said exactly what I wanted him to. I would then think of something else I needed to explain to him and the cycle would resume.It would be a course of misery.

But, it is all emotional and I am an emotional wreck even though I put on a good facade.
Ah. This feels better. I have some relief by writing this. It is not another wasted day if I helped anyone who gets something from this dribble.At least I did.