Boy Toy Goes Lymph Cause Viagra Does Not Work

Here I am at Dunkin Donuts blogging about my crazed, sad life. You see, just a few days ago l was living the life of luxury one would expect from a boy toy. I was with my older but glamorous sugar mama eating dinner at the fanciest restaurants, getting pedicures, going to plays. The whole nine yards. In return, I spent my time with her, in large part, enjoying our bodies locked together in the same  passion and bliss we have seemingly had forever.

Then, it was time to take her back to airport so she could get back to her real other life. I am merely filler as much as she says she loves me which she has proven over and over. However, not enough to throw in the towel on the high life and become a slave to my neediness and neurosis.

It was just a few weeks ago that I went off to Arizona with my mamas blessing to pursue an old relationship. Things were all set for me to find a 24/7 mama who I had had a relationship with years before.

When the moment of truth came the stinking Viagra would not work. My ticket to ride into this persons life was through a great sexual experience as we had had in the past and all I had to offer was a lymph dick, a still  talented tongue and a bunch of excuses about how the Viagra didn't work because of all the food and drink that had absorbed it's potency. It was a lame excuse. I needed my dick

 I flew home shortly thereafter and stayed in the house clinically depressed for several days. My sugar mama said to see a shrink and she would pay. I did.. He gave me a strong anti-depressant and a prescription that I actually filled for a long term SSRI 
 medicine for OCD and depression.

Here is hoping 

 

OCD: Not Acting Out Is The Objective

I was working at a pizza place in Chicago a while back. There were many drivers working there and they represented a wide variety of individuals.  The ages ranged from 21 to 65 and I was one of the older ones who were generally not the objects of attention. However, being old did not give me any exemption from the OCD demons that have plagued me.

 I overheard a remark this guy made about Jewish people. I confronted him immediately.and he did not want to apologize and I would not let it go. I quit working there. I eventually came back there to confront him again. I ended up swinging at him. He threw me to the ground telling me to stop swinging or he would hurt me. I left but still could not get closure.

It ended a few months later with me begging him for forgiveness after I finally gathered the courage to go back there again to apologize. It was not about the Jewish remark anymore. It never had been. It was about how living with the remark had made me into an anxiety ridden mess. Like someone who is not allowed to check the door or stove again and again feels the urge ala Jack Nicholson in "As Good As It Gets".Same thing.

 I always think I have to confront anyone who has bullied me in some way. The bullying comes sometimes with another person making a comment to me or to someone else that offends me.
 It could be a remark about the Jewish religion. That's been a big area.

It's not that I am really sensitive when someone says something offensive about Jewish people. It's that I cannot feel comfortable about being around that person until I have confronted them about what they said.
 I usually respond but not in the perfect way I wanted to. Then, I start thinking about the what ifs.

 I become overwhelmed by the perceived insult or comment and cannot think about anything else until I get closure. I get nervous, jittery, anxious, scared about consequences and all the feelings one feels when they decide they will confront the schoolyard bully and wait fearfully to do it.

Relief usually comes from a successful confrontation. Successful means the person who made the remark, when challenged, apologizes or somehow shows that they  meant no insult. If that person gets angry at being challenged about a remark they are being called out on and they refuse to give me relief then the situation escalates. 

I will go back to that person again and again if I can. Or, I will become possessed by the remark replaying it over and over. It will occupy my mind for days, weeks, months, or even years.  It will take many forms until I actually forget about the original cause of my anxiety. So, I, am constantly the victim of my own mind.

That has been  happening forever. The irony is that it is usually not really about what I heard. It is about my sick mind staying tortured until I can get rid of the obsession to respond. I have the need to prove to myself again that I have the courage to stand up for myself or fight back. The courage I lacked and still lack in many instances.

 I was bullied when I was younger and tried for all these years to get over it. That's what my whole thing is about.  It's about not feeling safe and comfortable  until I confront the bully no matter what form the bully is in Just like being scared to stand up for myself when I was little and was afraid or unwilling to hit back.

It is always connected to a person I want to overcome the feeling of being intimidated by. It could start with a barking dog but it is always about confronting the owner. If the owner is a nice little lady I stop caring about the barking. The underlying factor is that I'm  looking for reassurance that I am not being bullied.

It has happened where a situation started with a remark a person made and it ends up with me apologizing to them, after me being unsuccessful in getting an apology. I desperately want the relief of getting closure with that person.  I cannot get my mind back until I do.

I have suffered brutally from this OCD condition in other areas.  Needing to explain myself when I think I have said or done something wrong. I slightly brushed against someones car a while back doing no damage. I could not stop going back to the car over and over checking it again. Then, even after a few weeks I hesitated going down the street where it was parked because it would trigger OCD feelings.

Fortunately, relief came by just accepting the feeling of living with the urge to check that car again knowing it was my OCD causing it. That was an accomplishment. Resolving that car thing from within was terrific. The real underlying fear was a confrontation with the owner of the car. I knew that but it is so hard not to act when the urge is there.

 I continually try to work OCD urges out in my mind and keep vowing to only do the work internally rather then acting out. It is hard. Even after lots of cognitive and talk therapy, SSRI medicines, I suffer terribly. Each day is filled with anxiety. but, not acting is a big achievement. Not acting out is the objective to OCD.

 It takes a lot of work but I'm way better now then in the past. The  real solution to relieving OCD urges is when you need only your own understanding to resolve them. That's real success.

But, it has not always worked that way. I have gotten into terrible trouble engaging people for no reason. The biggest victim has been myself. Most of my life has been tormented every day by some OCD situation preventing me from living.

So, the real bully is my inability to confront the OCD that lives within me and not act on it