Showing posts with label spoiled. Show all posts
Showing posts with label spoiled. Show all posts

Friday, April 13, 2018

BORN TO LOSE

Being born was the first mistake. Somewheres around 1947 daddy had sex with mommy maybe for the last time. Even though she was 47 years old it did not matter. She got pregnant anyway.with me.  That was 70 years ago and life has been a disaster ever since I crawled out of the womb. Dad died suddenly when I was twelve years old and mom already had two grown sons ages twenty four and twenty five. They had moved out of the house and gotten married.

Dad had made lots of money by being very smart in real estate investments and in several retail businesses he owned. He left plenty of money for mom and so she would  never have to work or worry about surviving. My two older brothers, my mom, and myself were all left percentages of his estate, my mom and I splitting a third and the brothers each getting a third. My assets went into a trust fund frozen until I was 21. My age to get the trust assets should have been 62 and I would not be broke now.

The successful family businesses daddy left became even more successful after he died only because of  the presence of one of my brilliant, charismatic brother. He was a genius businessman and  turned dads businesses into an empire.

I was the benefactor of mom making me into a world class spoiled brat from birth.. She never said no to any of my continual requests for money or material objects through my teens.. As time went on the businesses made more and more money for the family empire which had been blessed with several children by the five year anniversary of my dads death. My trust fund was being managed by my brother. He had also acted as a second father since my dads passing.

I had been gambling compulsively since I was 10 years old. I drained my unaware mom of a fortune to cover my losses and keep myself in action .She had no idea her money was going for gambling. I just came up with one story after another for years. She  believed whatever story I told her never even dreaming about gambling as the cause of my incessant need for money. It was never big gambling through my teens.

Things changed when I was twenty one and got real money to play with.
 My trust fund had been handled brilliantly by my brainy brother  Ed..  I had heard that my assets were going up and up.  My life became all about waiting to be twenty one. I had almost not graduated high school and got thrown out of three colleges. I gambled and played golf instead of studying. I was controlled only by gambling.

My twenty first birthday finally came. I could not believe it when brother Ed sat me down and told me I was a millionaire. Ed said I had over 2 million in assets in my trust account. It was all mine.. I was delirious.
 I received stock, cd,s, money market funds, real estate and other assets.  Ed was so proud to sit  with me and plan out what I was going to do with all the money I had inherited. He reminded me to do the right thing and handle my fortune wisely so I could make my fortune increasingly larger.  I listened to him explain what he thought I should do to protect the assets. He, like others, thought I was a normal person.

 He said I was welcome to step into any part of any of the businesses I was interested in and take my place. I said I was going on vacation for a week or so. He hugged me and told me to have a good time. With my heart beating and airline tickets purchased I was in the airport the next day waiting to go to Las Vegas. 


No one except my couple closest friends knew I was a compulsive gambler who had been losing every dime my mom gave me since I was ten years old.  I had thrown all the money she gave me in the gambling sewer.. I lost larger and larger amounts.

 I put $100,000 on deposit at the Flamingo Hotel in Vegas. I thought was loaded for life. I believed I had a blackjack system that could not lose if only it could be funded adequately. Now it was.

 I did not even know what a compulsive gambler was. I never heard the term until years later. I never would have believed back then that I had no chance to keep all that money for very long. I had no control.

 I  went wild gambling.  I lost the $100.00.000 dollars in two days of insane, non-stop gambling. I blew the whole two million dollars in  less then two years. It was easy to do.  Plus, I owed another two hundred thousand dollars to juice men, bookmakers, friends, relatives and Las Vegas hotels. I was out of control. I could not bet enough. I lost more and more desperate to win back my losses.

 I also got drafted at twenty two. I only had about a million dollars left. I had not stopped losing since I got the inheritance. I was the worlds worst gambler and had blown away a million dollars in a year..

I found myself sitting outside the psychiatrists office at the draft induction center.
 I was a natural con man and with keen insight that I had been gifted with somehow. I could always read people.

I was as good an actor as Jack Nicholson when I mumbled to the induction shrink how people had always picked on me and I knew they would do it again in the military. Dr whoever it was decided I was unfit for military service. I came off to him like one of those unfit problem people but not a psycho. Out the door I went free as a bird..

 I do not know how I found the right voice to persuade him to reject me. It was one of the greatest accomplishments of my life  I was a perfect one take undesirable. I had only asked a few family friends who were shrinks for suggestions on how to beat the military shrink and they told me to try and come off a certain way but said it would be almost impossible.

I  danced down the street from the induction with my rejection certificate .I celebrated my permanent rejection from the military and took all my buddies out for dinner continually re-enacting the way I had spoken like a mentally troubled person. to the induction shrink.

So, I ran around for another year with my group of  pool room degenerate friends who were all full time gamblers on horses, poker , gin rummy. Some were thieves, burglars, and other assorted deviants. I gambled every day almost around the clock.
I still lived at home but rarely talked to my mom. We were on very different schedules. i was out all night and she was out doing good charity work all day.

She could only watch me always falling asleep in the chair when I occasionally sat down with her. She would say "bum, when are you going to work"?  That meant go work at one of the family businesses. She never even asked how much money from my inheritance I had left. She never dreamed I had gambled a million dollars away. She did not ever think anyone in our family needed money. She did not speak of money because it was never an issue.

 Meanwhile,I kept betting more and more. Eventually I  lost the million and got badly in hock to bookmakers and loan sharks.  I humbly walked in to the office and asked my smart brother for a job. I confessed everything to him. He never looked up. I cried that bad guys were looking for me for money I owed. He told me to call them and have them see him., He settled my debts. then, he punched me in the face over and over beating me bloody. He was horrified i had gambled away all my money.

When he stopped we talked. He said he loved me and knew my gambling was over. He said he had heard of a place called Gamblers Anonymous and he said he would go there with me. He did. that was in 1975. He took me out for dinner after this meting with all these pathetic, broken down people. Then, he said he was sure I had leaned my lesson for life. He gave me a good job and and generous salary and reminded me I was on 23 so i would be fine.

I lasted about 3 days and I was gambling again. I loved gambling more then life. I concealed my disease from him and he still does not know that I never changed. I got another big chunk of family money about twenty years later and gambled that sizable amount away also.. One day, when I was about 61 all the cash was gone. I had wasted most of my life gambling. So, I quit. I went back to Gamblers Anonymous and have not made a bet of any kind in 9 years.

It was one of the only smart moves I ever made.

Wednesday, April 4, 2018

COMPULSIVE GAMBLER TELLS HIS STORY

Back in 1947 my Mom and Dad had sex. I was the result and now I sit in my a little apartment almost 70 years later barely surviving. What a remarkable unforced error that act of love created.

I have had a life filled with  many wonderful benefits that most can only dream of. Yet, I have screwed it all up.

I was born into a family where there were already two older brothers twelve and thirteen years my seniors. Then, when I was only twelve daddy suddenly dropped dead leaving my two older brothers in charge of a very profitable family business which they already had been working in. My mom, myself, and the two brothers all were willed equal parts of the business with my end being entrusted to my mom till I was twenty five..

I was not a normal kid at all. I hated school and was always in trouble. I was not a bad boy just a clown and a spoiled brat. I did not care about school unlike my group of upper middle class friends who mostly went on to become lawyers and doctors. I continually flunked courses and barely graduated on time. I only cared about playing ball and gambling.

 I developed a pathological taste for gambling the first time I ever felt the rush of it. Gambling instantly became and continued to be my greatest love. That has a lot to do with why I am severely depressed, alone, and lonely most of the time.  I lost my mental health along with a fortune  Thanks to a wealthy family and a rich lover who now treats me as her child I survive nicely.

 I was about eleven when I started playing poker with my little friends. I almost always lost because I was a compulsive gambler from the get go. I was also a terrible gambler. I could not ever stop playing until I lost all my money.  I bet on horses, craps, roulette, blackjack, and sports. I gambled at everything I could .Even among other gamblers I was regarded as a chump.

 I finally surrendered to my powerlessness over gambling, quit, and started going to Gamblers Anonymous about nine years ago. I have not made a bet since 2009. Stopping gambling is my shining accomplishment of a mostly wasted life.

 Compulsive. gambling is the hardest addiction to give up. I know. I have also been addicted to cocaine, pot, alcohol, sex and overeating.. Gambling is the toughest and cruelest addiction. It is a silent destroyer.. If you refuse to stop gambling you end up insane, in jail, or dead without anyone ever knowing. The compulsive gambler must get help. One cannot stop permanantly on their own..

I never had any reservations about losing all my money because my rich mom could never say no to refilling my empty pockets after my desperate marathon crying sessions to her.. She bailed me out of debt time after time for years.

 When I was about twenty three I went into the family business .I was given a fat salary, a car, a nice office, insurance and they even paid my taxes. I should have been set for life.

 My middle brother Lou who I idolized forever because of his brains, athletic ability, popularity,  physical toughness, and total coolness set me up as a important employee. With a wave of his hand and an introduction to the gigantic staff I was a new family member to be respected.  Lou set it up so that I had all the amenities of an important businessman at my fingertips. Lou wanted me to feel good so I would be happy and make the business lots of money.

He had become my second father as soon as my dad died. Lou was always the brains of the growing and continually more successful family business.

Lou has been the ultimate perfect person to me as long as I have been alive. He loved me so much when I was a little kid and took me with him everywhere. He was a great athlete, a good looking very popular guy and smart as a whip. I idolized him. He has always been my hero. He has also always intimidated me brutally just by his presence. But, I have been trying to get his respect me entire life. He is superman to me.

 He was a great golfer and very early on made me feel that manhood and golf were synonomous. I would stand and sweat as I stood the in the tee box as he watched me dribble out one pathetic shot after another every year on my birthday when he would take me out to play. I would wait for that one day all year and then play like crap. I cannot put in words my self loathing for being incapable of hitting the ball well around him..

 I just froze as he watched me in the box. I would want to puke my guts up and throw a tantrum because of the frustration I felt walking down fairway after fairway while playing like crap. Lou never commented as I fumbled around the course.. His silent acceptance of my inability made it worse. Ironically, I was actually a very good golfer away frome his presence.
 
Lou knew I was a gambler.  He was a gambler too but not compulsive gambler like I am. I made no secret of my gambling. I was constantly telling Lou war stories of my gambling exploits. He was indifferent not knowing how sick of a gambler I really was and how much money I had been getting from my mom to cover debts and gamble with..

Mom finally busted me. She had run out of patience with my episodes of nagging and crying for cash. She explained to Lou how much of a degenerate I was. I had gone through $350,000 of her money in a few years.. I was only twenty four and also making a good salary and totally broke and in heavy debt.

Lou walked into my office, leaned over my desk and hit me in the mouth without saying a word. I fell out of my chair bleeding and looked up at him. He said "I just talked to mom"

He wrapped his his hand  around my neck and screamed that I would be fired from my cushy, no brainer, very well paid sales job in the family business and never get a dime of the equity I was going to inherit if he ever heard of me gambling again.

Then, he said the worst thing he had ever said to me. He told me that he was giving up on me forever.  He screamed that I was on my own and never look to him for anything. "We're finished", he screamed as I shook.  He spoke words I dreaded but hoped never would be spoken to me. He said that I had been a failure in everything my whole life. He said he thought I would straighten out after coming into the family business but that he was wrong.

I did not know my ownership of the business could not lawfully be confiscated.. I believed he could do anything he said he could.  I also lived for his approval with everything I did. I loved him so. Now, he had defined every fear of his opinion of me. I felt. My self esteem went to zero. I wanted his respect and admiration my whole life. I thought I had lost any chance of getting it back. I decided to try and prove myself anyway. I was determined to become a good employee and a respectable human being.

   I stopped gambling for a day or two. but I could not stay stopped.. I began stealing, lying, embezzling, and doing everything else I could think of to sneakily keep myself in action. I ended up stealing over $200.000 from the business over the next three years. Plus, I owed a fortune to friends and relatives. Also, I had started borrowing from juice men. They were chasing me and I was scared.

I finally confessed to Lou what I had done when I was terrified as the bad guys were chasing me to get paid. He said nothing. He just stared at me with the stare of a person who you are dead to. He only asked how much I owed the juice guys.. He settled with them.  Then, he pointed to the door.and did not say a word as I walked out knowing I was finished..  .

  Jack, the other brother just sat there smiling watching the whole show from his fancy desk.. Jack had always hated me and bullied me my entire life until one fateful day when he tried to intimidate me and I responded by smacking him in his big nose. From then on we never spoke in any form for the rest of his eighty two years.

He had ridden Lous coat tails his entire life..  He had gotten rich because of Lou. Jack and his family acted like Jack had made his millions with his own brains.  He was actually just window dressing who had been born right. He knew that I knew he was a fraud and I reminded him with many sarcastic remarks.

Lou was stuck with him but he never demeaned or embarrassed him because Lou did not need to do that. He was too classy.  His ego was solid as a rock as it should have been. Everyone knew that Jack would be selling shoes part time and need 10 other jobs just to make ends meet if not for Lous brains.

Everyone except Jack's three kids and loud mouth wife knew he was a\just putz.. He was in the business only because of his inheritance but his role was to do simple things only and to be quiet and be happy to live under Lou"s leadership. It always remained a mystery to myself and many others  that Lou did not figure a way to get Jack out of the business. But Lou accepted Jack as his fate.

I drove a cab, did some od jobs, and kept trying to make a score gambling with whatever money I could find. A few years passed.

Then, one night I met Julie, the girl of my dreams. I soon realized that I wanted a normal life. A few weeks after meeting Julie I walked back into the family bnusiness and into Lous office. He never looked up at me. "What?"he asked quietly. " I would like you to give me a chance and give me my job back" He stayed silent. "Please, I muttered. "I'm in love" "I need another chance" He said quietly "Go sit down and go to work". I loved him more then ever. "OK" I blurted out smiling widely. He still had not looked at me. I again believed I could make everything right with him,with Julie, and make a life. But, I still love gambling more the anything including myself.

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