BEING BULLIED IS A LIFETIME SENTENCE OF TORMENT

 

I was just a little five year old boy waiting in line to be let into my first grade class. It was 1953 at a Chicago Elementary school named De-Witt Clinton located on the north side of the city where I grew up.

It was the first day of the semester and I did not know many of the forty or so kids in line also waiting to go to their first day of class.  

For no reason a boy I had never seen before walked in front of me and said "Hey kid, ever been kicked in the balls?"

"No", I innocently answered.

 He then kicked me squarely in my small crotch. I doubled over in pain, went down, and started to cry.

 As I caught my breath and stood up the last thing on my mind was hitting or retaliating against him. I was too scared and ashamed. 

The other kids standing around laughed at my misery. They taunted me mercilessly. "Fight, fight, fight," they screamed.

I felt humiliated and victimized.

I already knew what bullying was and had seen it done to others.

I knew I had been had.

Instinctively, I knew that attacking Larry, who was standing there laughing, was theonly move but I was too afraid to act.

I could not overcome that horrid feeling of being afraid to fight..

That was the first time I remember being bullied. It would not be the last. 

Many others also bullied me throughout my life.  

I did not stand up for myself or others countless times because I was scared to. Being intimidated became part of my soul.

That nauseating feeling of fear turned out to be the core of my frightened existence.

 Being intimidated and cowardly has been the paralyzing demon that has controlled my mind.  Either actions or words can cow me.

After being targeted continually I learned quickly that bullies can  be dealt with by guys with the courage to fight which I did not have. 

I never learned until much later there were other ways to deal with bullies. 

 So, I became more and more incapacitated around people who I judged to be tough and macho.

 A bullying victim must suffer devastating consequences both internally and externally. I did and do.

Even after much therapy and understanding that my fears of being bullied are usually irrational and incorrect it did not change the self loathing I have always felt.

Much later in life I would intentionally face terrifying and dangerous situations to rid myself of the feeling of being a coward.

I faced and fought bullies.

 I would feel better for a while or conversely make a situation much worse when retaliating against someone who I thought had physically or mentally bullied me.

Either way, the feeling of fear always returned. 

Another bully has always been there because the real bully is my mind.

 I have not been able to live with the incurable emotion that I will always be vulnerable around people who intimidate me.

I have struggled valiantly to the point that I now have to resist the impulse to fight rather then surrender to it.

 Like any addiction (ocd) demands resisting an urge. I am better now but it is like carrying boulders on my shoulders each day.

It is always flight or fight in my tormented mind. It's a paradox because whether I fight or fly the cowardly feeling in me waits patiently to take charge again. 

Now, it's mostly words and deeds rather than physical action. But, it is all the same in my brain.

My life is all about relieving that intimidated feeling that never rests. The answer lies in self acceptance. 

It can be found at times and than vanishes.

I'm perpetually on guard for any situation where I fear I may get that cowardly feeling in my stomach and mistakenly think that only facing fear will relieve it.

 Allowing the feeling of fear to desensitize without doing anything is the real answer.  That comes with much therapy. (ocd)  Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is tough as nails to battle but therapy works. 

I learned that the real objective is to accept the fearful feelings and not flee from them but let them live without becoming paralyzed by them.

 I continue the endless battle to not react to those around me who instill fear in me.

  Now, not acting out is my answer but I cannot ever forget what Larry did to me.

.

COACH DAVE MAY BE THE PERSON TO TALK WITH

I am someone who understands inner torment and can connect to many people who suffer from depression, anxiety, and addictions. 

The right person and the right words can be critical to finding relief. 

I am a retired, single male of 72. I  understand people like me and may be able to help you. 

I am a lifelong sufferer of addiction including, ocd, impulse disorder, adhd,  compulsive gambling, sex and love junkie. 

I have tried it all and found talk therapy works best.

Contact me.

Coach Dave

Free 1 hour consultation

COMPUTER HELL FOR 72 YEAR OLD GUY WITH OCD

It's computer dummy heaven today. I just figured out how to fix my laptop all by myself. It only required batteries but normally I would not have been able to even find where the batteries go. My new OCD mindfulness gave me a bonus. I am a 72 year old geezer but giddy as if I had just stolen my first high school kiss.

A fortunate life has been my blessing. But, as my mother used to say, "your worst enemy cannot do to you what you can do to yourself."

What a merciless self-assaulter I have been. We are talking mentally, The pain from a broken brain is ferocious.

I remember trying to lay my dead tired eight-year-old body in bed and go to sleep. But I couldn't. The pillow would not line up to my satisfaction with a thin line on the headboard. So, I would keep popping up out of bed like a jumping jack for hours on end trying to set the pillow exactly the way I wanted it. I would finally just flop into the bed, drenched in sweat, and then pass out because my little body was so exhausted.

The obsessions became worse as I got older. Physical confrontation became the centerpiece of my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. The word FEAR is central to my defective brain. I believe it is to everyone with OCD.

Facing danger, real or imagined, made physical confrontation my curse. I would be mentally obsessed to go back after someone who I decided had bullied me with words or deeds. It could have been a schoolmate from high school who I remember slapped me around thirty years before, or a person who insulted a lady at the golf course this morning who I thought and felt I should have confronted.

I could mentally grab onto any event and conclude that I had to be an avenging angel. All that had to happen was a thought, a mere thought, popping into my head. Bingo. The thought would not go away. Then off I would go to OCD hell.

My stomach would start rolling constantly. Only finding the misguided courage to act by confronting the bully would abate the fear. My delusional missions lasted from days to decades and sometimes in multiple forms. Than the fear would come back about the same thing or something else and often with even more inappropriate acts. I do not know how I led a somewhat normal life.

Symbolically, my efforts at trying to line up that pillow defined my life. Endlessly confronting and chasing people who I felt had picked on or bullied me. I could be tormented for any reason such as someone playing their music too loudly, or to allowing their dogs to bark, or feel that someone insulted me, or made fun of me, or criticizing me, or making what I thought to be an inappropriate remark to my girlfriends, or thoughlessly slammed doors, and countless other events that would provoke the same insanity in me that trying to adjust that pillow triggered.

All it took was for me to think that I was the victim. Then came the conclusion I had to even the score, to take vengeance.

Then the fear took hold. The fear of living for a confrontation I did not want but thought I had to have. Being consumed. Like a soldier anticipating battle. But an irrational battle for all the wrong reasons.

I fearfully and insanely provoked countless confrontations because of the misguided belief that I would get permanent relief after I resolved some issue. I would eventually end up worse off then I was before I started trying to solve the thing that triggered me.

I ended up in court, in front of judges, in jail, and in a mental hospital because of the degrees to which I would go to seek relief.

I went to so many shrinks, took so many pills, read so many books, and even today, I still can suffer as I write about these episodes of OCD sixty-five years later. It has no end. It continues to plague me.

I blessedly and gratefully have found pathways to relief through exercising, writing and journaling, meditating, deep breathing exercises, and just knowing that the OCD urge is just a thinking disorder and can and must be accepted and coped with. That sounds easy but it's not. It takes constant and consistent mind-bending work to come to terms with it. There is hope.

I am not violent or psychotic. I am a lifelong scared little boy who was told to go outside to face the bullies in the old neighborhood. I cried instead. My family's definition of courage was about fists and not words. It took a lifetime for me to recognize my family was fucked up, but with good intentions. They did not know macho was not a one size fits all hat.

After many years of good fortune, except for the few times getting punched and hurt by a neighbor who was slapping around his girlfriend and beat me up for interfering, I never paid a big physical price.

Mentally, it is another story.

I have been arrested several times for minor non-violent crimes. I have been in the mental ward. Everything was connected to OCD.

Endless hours, days, months, years of OCD torture have left me damaged mentally but okay enough to say I am much better after a lot of hard work.

I am now spending time learning how to let stuff go and accept my condition. I never really cared about standing up for myself except for a few times in my life where it was legitimate. It's selfishly only been about relieving the fear that I felt with no alternatives. That is erroneous and wrong.

Writing is an alternative for me. Playing ball, reading, volunteering, running, and almost any mental and physical activity are tools that work well in battling OCD.

Going to OCD group meetings and becoming friendly with and supportive of others who are afflicted, is terrifically helpful and a big step in recovering.

The irrational but overwhelming fear of the "what ifs" of not doing what you falsely believe you must do literally eats you up. However, once you are able to realize that the anxiety of OCD urges can be endured with training, life gets immeasurably better.

Saying no to debilitating OCD urges is the only way to get healthier. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is permanent, but can be effectively dealt with as with addictions like gambling or drinking and many others. It takes time and treatment.

12 step programs are effective.

You can do it.

Why becomes an obvious question to anyone reading this who does not have OCD.

Answer....

Normal brains do not involuntarily attach to abnormal thinking. OCD brains do. They are different chemically and they do not process thoughts correctly.

OCD is always about fear, fear, fear, whether you are compulsively checking and rechecking the stove, door, the dogs water, washing your hands, obsessing about harming a child, facing a bully or some other thought.

But, there are ways to safely treat OCD.

My hope is that this helps some fellow sufferers get some value from my self-knowledge, or even better, some relief.

I have just started to write again about OCD.

My Purpose is to help others with what this is about for me. There has to be more to life than my girlfriend, my dog, pickle ball, golf, eating and tormenting myself with new and age old major OCD issues.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is all about fear no matter where you start.

Fear can be conquered properly.

Go online and look at resources and blogs on OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder.) There is so much there for every sufferer.

Read about it. Find relief. It is there.

Here are some resources to use. I just want to help. I do not get paid in any way by anyone I mention. I Do not know them. I want to help.

I just Google, do my research, just as you should do.

Here are a few resources around the country that came up:

FHEHealth Restore 888-986-1382

Park Avenue Psychotherapy Associates 973-815-0777

Go To YouTube and punch up OCD

Call 720-605-1316

Call 305-856-9442

Call 754-227-6634

Online Therapy-312-955-1212

Good Luck

David S.

I am an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder sufferer associated with no one.

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER OCD 72 YEAR OLD TELLS HIS STORY AND OFFERS TIPS

 It's computer dummy heaven today. I just figured out how to fix my laptop all alone. It only required batteries but normally I would not have been able to even find where the batteries go. My new OCD mindfulness gave me a bonus. I am a 72 year old geezer but giddy as if I had just stole my first high school kiss.

A fortunate life has been my blessing. But, as my mother used to say "your worst enemy cannot do to you what you can do to yourself." What a merciless self assaulter I have been. We are talking mentally, The pain from a broken brain is ferocious.

I remember trying to lay my dead tired eight year old body in bed and go to sleep but I couldn't. The pillow would not line up to my satisfaction with a thin line on the headboard. So, I would keep popping up out of bed like a jumping jack for hours on end trying to line up the pillow exactly the way I wanted it. I would finally just flop into the bed drenched in sweat and pass out because my little body was so exhausted.

The obsessions became worse as I got older. Physical confrontation became the centerpiece of my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. The word FEAR is central to my defective soul. I believe it is to everyone with OCD.

Facing dangerous self made physical confrontations was my curse. I would be mentally implored to go back after someone who I decided had bullied me with words or deeds. It could have been a high school schoolmate who slapped me around thirty years before or a person who insulted a lady at the golf course in the morning who I thought I should have stood up to.

I could grab onto any event and conclude I had to be my own avenging angel. All that had to happen was a thought popping into my head. Bingo. The thought would not go away. Than, off I would go to the OCD dungeon.

My stomach would start rolling constantly. Only, after finding the misguided courage to act by confronting the bully would the fear abate. Most times, my attempts exacerbated the problem and turned minor, non-dangerous obsessions into deadly missions.

My delusional trips to hell lasted from days to decades and sometimes with multiple obsessions working simultaneously. Than, after even a favorable conclusion, the fear would come back about the same issue or a new issue. The insidiousness of OCD always returns and continues with a sufferer.

There is no finish line.

I do not know how I led a somewhat normal life married with a wife and kids for many years. I escaped through gambling, sex, cocaine, and anything but taking my emotional problems seriously. I even started and developed several businesses which I mostly pissed away because of OCD and other mental disorders.

Symbolically, trying to line up that pillow defined my life. Endlessly seeking relief for my tortured mind by seeking relief and confronting people I thought bullied me for any reason was my existence.

I could be triggered from loud music, barking dogs, a person insulting or making fun of or criticizing me. Hearing sarcastic remarks aimed at me was intolerable and grounds for retribution. Slammed doors and countless other triggers would bring out the same insanity that trying to adjust that pillow triggered.

I just had to get it right. That meant finding and than confronting the victimizer with my terror stricken mind which was petrified of the consequences but unable to stop the pursuit.

The torture was merciless and went on 24/7 when I would get something in my head that I did not want to do but felt I had to do or my stomach would torment with that horrid flight or fight feeling.

The pain lasted acutely for 69 years and still exists, but mildly in comparison when I was so bad I could not get out of bed for days.

Finally, I surrendered and accepted that 100% self acceptance was only right answer for me. I came to terms with me.

That has proven to be very painful but amazingly effective.

It amounts to doing nothing with that OCD urge but living with it.

Not acting is the answer for everyone. Not giving into checking the door or washing your hands again or thousands of other urges builds strength.

The temptation with OCD is always to give into urges for fast but only temporary relief.

The road to health is accepting OCD and knowing the condition will get better and very manageable as you work on it.

Starving it is the pathway to relief.

It is what you should do about that urge that has owned you.

Nothing.

I always felt like a victim who was compelled to confront every OCD urge.

I fearfully got into countless confrontations because of the misguided belief that I would get permanent relief after I resolved some ridiculous issue. I would usually end up worse off then I was before I started trying to solve the thing that triggered me.

I ended up in front of judges, in jail, and in a mental hospital because of the degrees to which I would go seeking relief.

I went to so many shrinks, took so many pills, read so many books, and still occasionally suffer as I write about OCD sixty five years after it started.

It has no quit. But, it cannot breathe if I do not give it oxygen.

I blessedly have found pathways to relief through exercising, writing, meditating, breathing, and just knowing the OCD urge is just a thinking disorder and can be accepted and coped with. That sounds easy but it's not.

It takes mind bending work to heal. There is hope for all of us though. Take it from me..

I am not violent or psychotic. I am a lifelong scared little boy who was taught to go outside and face the bullies in the old neighborhood. I cried instead. The family definition of courage was about fists and not words. It took a lifetime to recognize the family was fucked up with good intentions. They did not know macho was not a one size fits all hat.

After many years of good fortune even though I have taken many poundings from acting out I have landed right side up.

But, not until I was arrested and briefly jailed several times for minor non-violent crimes, been in a mental ward, and been isolated from the world in severe depression many times.. Everything was connected to OCD.

Endless hours of OCD torture have left me damaged mentally but okay enough to say I am much better after a lot of hard work.

I now am spending time learning how to let stuff go and accept my condition. I never really cared about standing up for myself except for a few times in my life where it was legitimate. It's selfishly only been about relieving the fear that I felt with and never sticking with the coping skills that I would not use properly.

Writing is an alternative for me. Right now I am choosing not to obsess or act out and I accept my condition. It ain't going away.

Exercising, reading, volunteering, hobbies, and almost any activity are tools that work well in battling OCD.

Going to OCD group meetings and becoming friendly with others who are afflicted is valuable and a big step in recovering.

The irrational but overwhelming fear of the "what ifs" of not doing what you falsely believe you must do literally eats you up. However, once you are able to realize that the anxiety of OCD urges can be endured with treatment and training life gets immeasurably better.

Learning to say no to debilitating OCD urges is the only way to get permanently healthier.

Obsessive Disorder Compulsive is permanent but can be effectively dealt with as with addictions like gambling or drinking and many others.

You can do it.

12 step programs are effective.

Why me becomes an obvious question to those afflicted reading this.

The answer is your brain is not normal.

Normal brains do not involuntarily attach to abnormal thinking. OCD brains do. They are different chemically and they do not process thoughts correctly.

OCD is always about fear, fear, fear, whether you are compulsively checking and rechecking the stove, door, the dogs water, washing your hands, obsessing about harming a child, facing a bully or some other thought.

But, there are ways to safelytreat OCD..

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is all about fear no matter where you start.

Fear can be dealt with effectively.

Go online and look at resources and blogs on OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) There is so much information out there for every sufferer.

Read about it. Find relief. It is there.

Here are some resources to use. I do not get paid in any way by anyone I mention.

I want to help.

I just Google like you should do.

Here are a few places around the country that came up.

FHEHealth Restore 888-986-1382

Park Avenue Psychotherapy Associates 973-815-0777

Go To UTube and punch up OCD

Call 720-605-1316

Call 305-856-9442

Call 754-227-6634

Online Therapy-312-955-1212

Good Luck

David S.

I am an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder sufferer.

DAVID

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER (OCD) STILL TORTURED AFTER 72 YEARS

How about some real time (OCD) obsessive compulsive disorder talk? I have been tormented and tortured by it almost my entire 72 male years. I have pure OCD as it is known. 

I do not need to keep checking the door to see of it is locked or checking the stove to see if it is turned off, or wash my hands a million times a day.

My misery is different. I must confront people who I think have insulted me. Fear is my constant companion because my whole deal is connected to confrontation. Doing fearful things so I can get the fearful thing off my mind are my boulders to carry.. 

So, if someone tells me to go fuck myself, or they say they think I stink at golf or if I feel that I must defend someone's honor who is a friend or loved one who has been insulted or abused, or the music next door is too loud or someone slams a door too hard or tons of other things happen than I become incapacitated. 

I sit and ruminate about what I can do to resolve the problem. I cannot function while my mind is pre-occupied with a thought of some act that I must perform that involves danger or personal harm to eliminate a problem..

My right eye was destroyed permanently by unnecessarily getting into a fight with some guy who was smacking around his girlfriend in the hallway of my apartment. The guy was hardly doing anything to this girl but he scared me just by looking at me so I did the only thing I knew to eliminate the fear I knew I would feel whenever I saw him. I hit him and he demolished me.

I tried to stop him verbally and when he swore at me instead of just walking back into my apartment I took a lame swing at him. He turned out to be a boxer who had just gotten released from jail for attempted murder. 

He busted me up and then my girl friend at the time took care of me for a few weeks and then threw me out for being so ignorant. She knew it was my OCD and not a sincere attempt to be a do gooder. 

That is just one story among many and I do not feel like writing much more tonight. 

I am in such an OCD state of mind for several months and I have such a litany of things on my mind that I cannot even phantom trying to resolve one OCD thought at a time. Because, I know that in attempting to resolve an irrational problem I may very well perpetuate it. 

I could spend twenty years trying to find a guy who insulted me a few months ago telling me to go fuck myself. 

Plus, I do not really want to find him because it's not about what he said that is the object of my OCD. It is about me letting go or just living with this OCD trigger.  

I just cannot deal with my OCD only through therapy, medicine, psychotherapy, meditation, or working out. 

Only by writing about it can I get relief. Writing works for me. It eases and temporarily eliminates OCD urges. And that is what an OCD sufferer wants. 

Relief.

I have been all tense because about 16 months ago I was playing softball and after the game, at lunch, I happened to make a remark about a political subject to two guys. 

I am liberal and one of the guys who is in charge of this men's basketball league is a Trump Republican. The other guy there is just the first guys puppet.

I mentioned something about Medicare that both tight asses took exception to. The main guy barked at me that there was no political talk allowed and he walked away from me at the restaurant. The puppet followed with a parting insult. 

I thought nothing of it until a few weeks later when I am at this restaurant again and see this same guy who decides to maliciously goad the other 10 or so guys at the table to not talk to me so I won't come back to lunch with them again. 

I walked over to both assholes to try to shake hands but both refused to. Well, that was 16 months ago and I have spent hundreds and maybe thousands of hours trying to figure out how I could make peace with both of those guys without escalating the situation and making it worse. 

Because once I start trying to resolve a perceived problem my OCD kicks in like crazy and I could be arrested for harassment or trespassing quickly by doing crazy things to get satisfaction. 

So this situation has meant sitting and ruminating everyday for ways I can make peace with both assholes without making it worse by confronting one or both of them and they still will not make peace and then I get physical. 

And, I am not tough and intimidating at all. It all has to do with how I was bullied and try to not get bullied anymore. All that is for another time so write in.

So, I have learned some very critical things about my OCD. If I do not do anything to try and make things right with these guys I will not end up making things worse and going into an OCD hell that I have lived through forever by trying to force them to resolve the issue.

I have learned that it is 100% better to just leave a situation alone rather than try to force it to bend to my will. 

That is a big understanding when the urge to try and work it out is so intense. But, I am safe by doing nothing and I do not have to act out . I just have tp live with the ocd urge and fix things from within like I am doing right now. 

 I know that I have OCD and there will always be more issues and more issues that torture me. But, I can only make things worse, as I have learned by acting out instead of sitting on my hands and being safe.  

Once upon a time I would be chasing these guys all over, even hiring private detectives so I could find them and try to get them to just shake hands.

So, I am writing about this because the answers do not lie with either of them. 

The answers lie in my tormented mind.

There is hope. But, OCD is ferocious.

I have improved.  

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER (OCD): IT IS JUST AN URGE

Obsessive, compulsive disorder is a brutal mental illness which affects a very small part of the population. In the US, about 1.1% of the people have it and it is evenly split between males and females. Over 2.2 million individuals are afflicted. It is so simple to understand but brutally hard to deal with.

The entire condition is based on thoughts. Just thoughts. So think different thoughts you say and you are cured.? 

Ha-ha !!

No. No. No.

Don't forget, just because you resolve one OCD symptom you do not get rid of the entire disorder. So, the trick is to learn how to deal with your OCD by not acting out in all the goofy ways you do now. Acting out does not work.

I am now having an urge to call someone on the phone which would likely create a problem. At minimum, it would start an OCD cycle where I would have to start calling and calling trying to get my problem with this person resolved.

The problem is I have no real problem with him. The problem is with my thoughts. 

That is reassuring and gives me relief.

I also know I am not going to create a problem with the crazy thought that I can end this perceived problem with a phone call. Maybe I could and maybe I couldn't. It doesn't matter. 

Another OCD problem would soon follow. There is relief in that knowledge. I am sick

So, I chose to write about this. Maybe it will help someone else. It is certainly helping me. My desire to call this guy has diminished.

Working out, talking, meditation, reading are all answers to coping with OCD.

Acting out does not work. I have the scars to prove it.

The stove might still be turned on or the lady did not respond right to your apology or or or. 

An external fix does not last.

In people with OCD thoughts get stuck in their head and most sufferers do not know how to deal with the torment. 

Ironically, the answer to how to deal with OCD is to not deal with it!! 

It is just an urge. It will decrease and go away if it is not fed, When you do not act on it than it starves.

But, and it is a big but, OCD urges are so overwhelming and intense that it is almost impossible to deal with them without knowledge of how to. 

Just to clarify, it is obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) whether it is to wash your hands again and again, check the lights. check that pimple again, touch your nose, count to ten, arrange your desk. check your toes. take a shower, ad to your hoarding collection, or perform any compulsion you feel an urgency to perform over and over. Again and again is the key word.

We are talking about checking for hours on end. We are talking about being soaked in sweat from anxiety when an OCD episode occurs. It can last for hours, days, weeks, months, or years.

Fear of harming yourself or another, fear of saying or doing something embarrassing or dangerous, or fear of anything or anybody in an abnormal way, needing constant reassurance that something was done right, and on and on are common obsessions.

When any thought consumes ones mind in a perpetual, non stop, disabling way it is usually from (OCD) obsessive compulsive disorder.

That means being so focused or consumed by a thought or urge that it owns you.

It can be about what you are going to eat three days from now or being afraid you will throw the dog down the steps.

I had an obsession about tin foil for years. I was afraid to bite down on the foil because I remembered it once hurt my teeth. Tin foil kept me in bed for days being depressed and not wanting to see any tin foil. Even after I had bit down on the foil and felt no pain I still, to this day, avoid chewing anything with tin foil on it.

I had another obsession when I was 25 years old. I thought I had prostate cancer. No matter how many times the Dr. checked me and told me nothing was wrong with my prostate I still demanded to be put in the hospital for a torturous test. The Dr, came in my room afterward and said

“You are fine. See a psychiatrist."

I am 72 now and I am not fine. 

But, I am much better.

STUCK SNEEZE EXPLODES IN A SEA OF SNOT ENDING MY ASNEEZIA

I finally sneezed today. I had not sneezed in exactly 19 days. I was going crazy with anxiety. In the midst of this coronavirus pandemic, unemployment in the millions, a crashing stock market, and brutal world conditions I sat in my apartment and was entirely consumed with thoughts of waiting for when I would sneeze.

Yes. This is not a stranger than fiction piece of creative writing. It is about me in mental torment because of this strange, rare, hardly researched condition that has destroyed much of my life. 

My inability to sneeze is not new. It seems logical that each time it happens and than when I finally blast out a sneeze I should be cured. But, over many years it does not work that way. 

The problem just rebuilds again very soon after a sneeze finally comes. Then, soon after a few aborted sneezes I am back sitting and obsessing about the next sneeze I want so desperately to happen no matter what real legitimate problems I have going on. It is so sick.

 Once again, as of yesterday, my sneeze center had been stuck for over six weeks. Not one sneeze had exploded out of my nose. None. Many Aaahs but no Choos. I know because I keep a vigil.  I waited and waited obsessing away for a successful blast. I was met with continual failure and frustration with every urge. Can you even comprehend that?

Finally, yesterday the gates of sneezing fury riveted open my nose and I started to sneeze my head off. One boomer after another for several hours. Snot flying all over. It was orgasmic. It was a gift from heaven. I immediately came out of my morbidly depressed mood and became a descent human being again.

You see, I am a 71 year old, physically healthy, active extremely neurotic Jewish male.
I am not some weirdo seeing how insane my fantasies can go with stranger than fiction writing. This is a true tale. It just so happens I am brutally afflicted with obsessive compulsive disorder. (ocd)

Back in 2006 I was sitting at my desk in my cubicle at the family business in Chicago. I had never even thought about sneezing. I had sneezed normally my whole life. 

Megan, my friend and the woman who sat at the cubicle next to mine changed my life in a heartbeat. She innocently triggered my neurotic head into an inability to complete a sneeze. A relentless hell that has lasted off and on a seeming eternity. 

She innocently stood near my cubicle entrance about to ask a question. I felt a big sneeze coming and help up my finger for her to not talk until I finished my sneeze. 

I went Ahhhh and then she playfully said "now go Choo David". My sneeze immediately aborted and from that day on I have not been able to sneeze normally. Yes. I have sneezed many times but never in a normal consistent way like I'm sure you do. My sneezing nightmare has stopped and started again and again for a few days only to stop again for months.

 I have gone from agony to ecstasy so many times over the years waiting for that elusive sneeze to set me free. A successful few sneezes would only falsely lead me to believing I was cured. 

But, soon I would go back on stuck sneeze again and the frustration would restart. You would think I would say fuck it and stop caring since I knew there was really nothing wrong with me. But, so does every other person on psychological tilt. Understanding crazy is not usually an answer. 

Thinking about sneezing has been a full time job involving thousands of hours of time googling, researching the scant information on what is called "asneezia" and talking to Dr.s and therapists giving me assurances that they knew nothing was physically wrong with me but they could not explain this condition they had never seen or heard of before. 

The issue has always been that I am very physically healthy in my body but not in my mind. All the multitudes of professionals I saw knew nothing about a person not being able to release a sneeze. It is not in anyone's playbook. Too much sneezing is easy to resolve and a no brainer. But, not being able to sneeze even intermittently for many years? Huh?

 I know this all sounds ridiculous right? Well, see how you feel after your honker attempts to go Choo thirty times in a row over a one week period of time and you fail to pop a sneeze?  A little frustrating do you think?

Some background obviously needed.
Add in a lifelong brutal case of ocd. (obsessive compulsive disorder) and you have a very hot mess of a person in me. Thousands of  dollars spent in therapy, countless hours living immobilized with paralyzing obsessions, a life of mental torment.  

Paradoxically, an amazingly wonderful life filled to the brim with all the important blessings like health, a wonderful family, a longstanding lover of indescribable magnitude, many friends. That is me. A lucky lucky guy with a life filled with recreation and joy. But, a tormented nut. Somewhat of a spoiled brat who nonetheless has had my psyche beaten silly.

It's the ocd. Besides the inability to sneeze regularly (excuse me, I just went into a sneezing fit the likes of which I have not experienced maybe ever. I'm jubilant and mentally orgasmic Hallelujah. YES. YES. YES.
I cannot believe it !!!!) 

There has been similar ocd situations so bizarre I could write forever.  Unexplained, frequent urination, decade long confrontations with people, knocking on doors in the middle of the night because of a little noise, doing dangerous things just to get them off my mind. Craziness. 

My issue is all about being bullied and having the guts to stand up for myself. I am totally non-violent and a big chicken.

You get it or you don't out there. I am a real rarity. That is a fact. 

I want so badly for someone to read this story and allow me to make my mark in this world. Where are you, screenwriters, film makers, novelists, etc???

Find me. I have a fascinating life and my stories are spot on true.

David Stein

Email me at tshirtdave69@gmail.com 

OCD AND ME-A 71 YEAR JOURNEY WITH OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER

I'm a 71 year old male and I have suffered from (obsessive compulsive disorder) (ocd) since I was about 8 years old. 

A terrifying image of myself standing over my bed, dead tired, and continually jumping in and out of it but not being able to rest comes to mind.  

I was tormented then because my pillow was not precisely centered along a thin line that ran vertically from the top to the bottom of the headboard. It was driving me crazy trying trying to center it perfectly. 

I believed bad things would happen if I did not get it perfectly aligned. Fear and superstition were then and are still now the root of all obsessive compulsive disorders. 

 My tired little body was no match for my twisted mind which kept commanding me to get up again and again and line the pillow up better.  

Sweat streamed down my face and soaked my pajamas as I continued to jump in and out of bed trying to get that uncooperative pillow aligned to the satisfaction of my obsessive compulsive demons.

Finally, I passed out from the fatigue of being a frustrated, worn out little kid. That was not a temporary problem I would grow out of. It is now 71 years later and my ocd still rages on. 

There have been countless episodes of these same kinds of torturous experiences throughout my entire life. 

My symptoms changed from physical compulsions like washing hands, re-checking lights, not stepping on cracks, and many of the common ocd symptoms most people are familiar with to all mental ocd symptoms.    

The award winning movie " As Good As It Gets", starring Jack Nicholson captures ocd in a humorous, but sadly accurate way.  

My mental or pure ocd which started in my twenties became increasingly intense,  with relentless mental, repetitive, fearful thoughts and questions with no answers and no relief attainable ruminating through my brain. 

My thinking centered around facing irrational fears. Taking physically dangerous, risky actions was the bitter medicine I prescribed myself to get temporary relief.

My approach was metaphorically akin to jumping into a cage with a deadly lion just to get rid of the fear of doing it. 

I would relieve fear by crashing into it head first. It was              misdirected thinking that demonstrating insanity permanently cured ocd symptoms.  

My archaic, false definition of manhood was central to my distorted thinking. I believed that being macho proved manhood.

 Many times it would take months and years to actually follow through on certain dangerous actions or missions I assigned myself with no lasting relief.   

But, I could not get fearful thoughts out of my mind so into that lions cage I would eventually jump ravaging my psyche for any path to get peace of mind.

Many times I would make a bad situation much worse and I would have to start the whole mentally torturous process over again after performing some crazy action that failed. 

Or, if I did succeed in eliminating an obsession than quickly another obsession of equal or greater torment would emerge. 
 Seeking danger, and finding the courage to face it was all I used to understand to ease my anguish. I walked around terrified because I am no warrior.

My world was my lopsided brain swirling around like a gyroscope spinning the same painful thoughts constantly. They all centered around facing unnecessary fear. 
What if, what if, and more what ifs became my internal language as I anticipated taking crazy actions with scary consequences. 

I only wanted relief. That was my only motive for jumping in the cages of many dangerous lions. 

I felt only gratitude if I had not been hurt, killed, thrown in jail, or put in an insane asylum after I survived an insane action I took. 
I have lived a life of flight or fight everyday for 63 years.

The central theme of my particular ocd symptoms has been proving I am not a coward and could not be bullied. The reality is that no amount of insane acts of facing danger or standing up for myself has eliminated that cowardly little boy inside of me or has given me inner peace. 


Confrontation is my tool that always takes charge of my thinking. I chased a guy around for twenty years who bullied me when I was 12 years old at the local park. I met him at a train station 25 years after we had last seen each other. I provoked a fight with him and I got the worst of it. 

He stood over me as I went down and he told me I was lucky he was not going to kick my head in.
He left yelling that I was immature and I had not grown up as I crawled on all fours watching him walk away.  

I could not live with just letting that episode go even though I did not have one drop of violence in me toward him or anyone. My crusades were only about finding relief through some distorted definition I had of what manhood and courage was.   

I decided I wanted a rematch with this guy and it took several anxiety, fear ridden years to even find him again. I knew nothing of his life since we were kids.  

Then, after a very long and totally crazy search I ran into him again by accident and we had another encounter I provoked where I ended up on top of him. An intense severe desire to apologize to him developed after it ended. I wanted him to know i was not dangerous. 
I needed his understanding and forgiveness.  

  This strange saga went on ad nauseum  until I finally found his phone number.  To my amazement, when I gathered the courage to call him, he allowed me to apologize.  Even that was not enough for me to let the obsession with him go. 
Think of that? 

 I then wanted to talk to him in person to confirm that we were good.. He finally ended up taking me to court to stop my renewed pursuit. Even that did not stop me because I still felt I had not explained myself satisfactorily. 
Just like the pillow.
I could not get it right. 

I was told by the lawyers and the judge that it was a condition of my probation that I never contact him or get near him again or I would go to jail.  

While on probation and against all orders and sensibility I again contacted him via a letter trying to explain my ocd condition. I felt I was compelled to write to release my mind from the inhumane prison I had not been released from. 
I was willing to risk my freedom for one more chance to get relief. 

  I sent the letter. He did not turn me in and that ended that horrid saga. It was a miracle he did not go right to the lawyers and judge.
I got away with that one but I did not get away with the next one. 

 I ended up fighting with some guy who was in an altercation with his girlfriend. 

I only started that fight because the guy scared me for months without ever saying a word to me. He had me bullied with his looks. He ended up almost permanently blinding me from the right hand he slammed into my eyeball.  

 I had told him to stop hassling his girlfriend one night in the hallway floor of the high rise where we were neighbors. It was nothing and none of my business.  He said fuck you. Get away from me. I  started to go back into my apartment  but he started yelling at his girlfriend again. I screamed at him to leave her alone. 

He  came back at me wild eyed and it was lights out. The result was a blinded eye, broken eardrum, rattled brain and the emergency room. For nothing. I only fought with him to prove the same manhood shit. 

My girlfriend at the time nursed me back to health and then she dumped me for being a crazy fool. She was right. She knew I did it out of ocd and not nobility.

Example of my condition. A person is playing loud music next door to me. I break out into palpitating anxiety as I listen maybe for several days for more music. I knock on the door and politely ask that the music be turned down.

If the person apologizes and does not act with hostility or in a threatening manner then I never care again about any noise coming from that apartment. 

Same for other issues involving me feeling victimized by disturbances like barking dogs, loud noises or other situations where I felt like a victim. 

If the answer from the person is angry or was a get out of my face answer my life would immediately be ruined. My mind would not let me stop thinking about that apartment. 

I would start trying to find a way to make peace with that person and if I could not I would rationalize that I wanted to find a new apartment.

That is a taste of how a big part of my life has been. In reality I'm just a nice Jewish boy whose brain was really derailed by genetic flaws. 

However, I am blessed to be healthy, free, and having a great life despite my insanity. I am much better now after lots of hard work on my head.

 I used to believe I had to say and do fearful, terrifying, dangerous acts or something bad would happen. 

Now, I cope with my ocd demons with words and actions that are restricted to my own, safe, trustworthy and lasting coping mechanisms. I no longer have to be afraid of what I will do with ocd urges. I will do nothing outside of  the confines my mind. All work is done in my internal premises. 
. 
Knowing that acting out is futile and destructive 100% of the time is my new reality. It took many long years and much suffering to accept myself with the flaws in my personality. But, the payoff in peace of mind and tranquility is well worth it.

 I admit, Staying in control is brutally hard. Emotions are so strong with any addiction. Now, there is no more self imposed, legal, medical, or personal trouble. I fear no consequences of aberrant behavior. I do not do it. 

I realized that permanent solutions come from within. I am rewarded daily for not acting out because there are so many triggers tempting all of us addicts.  

I've gotten better by changing how I think, live, interact, and relate. I am in recovery and have been for a long time. I know about recovery from being in Gamblers Anonymous (GA) for over 11 years without placing a bet. 

All addictions are very similar. They are all nothing but abnormal urges. It is just about how they are coped with. Tough stuff to accept but accepting powerlessness is the only answer no matter what you are addicted to. Throw up that white flag.

I am powerless and I always will be over my addictions so I do not act on them.

I never realized, as I do now, that I had an incurable disease. I could never surrender and say "David, you cannot cure this condition by any external measures. The solution lies only within. 

I have learned how to talk to become friends with myself. It works.

 Medicine,  meditation, therapy, support groups, working out, writing and talking to others does wonders for ocd sufferers and for other addictive disorders. Just stop wasting that good mind. 

Ocd comes in so many forms. It is a supremely complex condition that only a very small percentage of people are afflicted with to a serious degree. Everyone understands ocd to some degree but are  far from being incapacitated from it. Then there is us.   

 Fortunately, the mind is a resilient structure. Change the focus and the picture becomes different quickly. That is not an easy assignment as many of you know.      

 My ocd and all ocd boils down to a fear of living with anxiety and fear. Sounds simple and logical but it is not.
The triggers are so emotional and irrational that it is very hard to think logically when that dog barks or that person insults me.    

It's not me it's my ocd is an easy concept to understand intellectually but a brutally hard concept to apply emotionally.

But, it can be done and provides real relief if one can accept it.   

 So, it is real progress when that ocd urge takes second position to the comfort of knowing that you do not have to do anything externally to cope with it. 

One just has to realize what is happening with our addictions whatever they are. 

That is relief. No more jumping into the cage with the lion.
OCD cannot be cured so why try.  Addictions cannot be cured. Only arrested. That is as good as it gets and that is good enough.
My fight is over. 
End your fight.

Surrender and get help.
Now.  
It's the only answer.
Go to Google.

  

I Cannot Sneeze

I have a weird, unusual, condition. I continually get stuck sneezes. I get the urge to sneeze. I go Ahhh but the Choo will not come. This has been happening almost everyday for about the last eight months. I do occasionally complete a sneeze. It seems I finally sneeze just about the time I am totally out of my mind from not being able to do so.

I have researched this problem for hundreds of hours. No good answers. I have discovered a very rare condition named “Asneezia” that kind of describes my problem. I am sure this condition is psychological. I have not sneezed in the last 5 weeks. I have only sneezed a total of about 5 times in the last eight months. I get the urge to but then I cannot release the sneeze. It is like an orgasm that cannot be completed. . I have asked everyone I know including various Doctors and they have no answer. Everyone tells me it is totally irrelevant whether a person ever sneezes or does not sneeze long as they do not try to stifle it. That can possibly cause infection in the ears and sinuses. That information does not console me.

This problem has me totally obsessed, uncomfortable, nervous and depressed all the time. I keep waiting for the next urge to sneeze to come. It usually does at least once a day but then I cannot fulfill the act. I get more and more depressed each time I fail to sneeze. The only research I have found about this problem being medical is with people who have had strokes. Sometimes their brainstem and medulla will not allow the sneeze reflex to work properly. But then there are usually other reflex problems like inability to swallow and yawn that accompany stroke victims. I have none of those symptoms.

This all started one day when a friend who was talking to me saw me go Ahhh.. She said “now go Choo” .I concentrated on what she said, got distracted, and lost the sneeze urge. I immediately got self conscious about sneezing and started focusing on it and obsessing about it. Ever since then my sneezing has been abnormal. I can actually feel myself stopping the reflex and aborting sneezes. The times I have sneezed in the last eight months are usually when I do not expect to. I never had sneezing problems before. In fact, I never even thought about sneezing. I do not ever remember not being able to sneeze when I wanted to. Now, sneezing is all I can think about.

Help. I am a 57 year old male in very good physical condition. My very neurotic mind is another story. I have suffered from many O.C.D related issues including severe anxiety and hypochondria. The main concern I have is to find someone out there who understands this inability to complete a sneeze problem. Also, I would like to know for sure it is psychological and will not hurt me physically.

Lately, I am thinking that the ability to sneeze normally will never return. I do occasionally complete a sneeze. It seems I sneeze just about the time I am totally out of my mind from not being able to do so. I have researched this problem for hundreds of hours. No good answers. I have found a very rare condition named“asneezia” that kind of describes my problem. I am sure this condition is psychological get the urge to but then I cannot release the sneeze. It is like an orgasm that will not climax. Everyone tells me it is totally irrelevant whether a person ever sneezes or does not sneeze as long as they do not try to stifle it. That can possibly cause infection in the ears and sinuses. That information does not console me. This problem has me totally obsessed, uncomfortable, nervous and depressed all the time. I keep waiting for the next urge to sneeze to come. It usually does at least once a day but then cannot fulfill the act. I get more and more depressed each time I fail to sneeze.

The only research I have found about this problem being medical is with people who have had strokes. Sometimes their brainstem and medulla will not allow the sneeze reflex to work properly. But then there are usually other reflex problems like inability to swallow and yawn that accompany stroke victims. I have none of those symptoms. This all started one day when a friend who was talking to me saw me go Ahhh. She said “now go Choo”. I concentrated on what she said, got distracted, and lost the sneeze urge. I immediately got self conscious about sneezing and started focusing on it and obsessing about it. Ever since then my sneezing has been abnormal. I can actually feel myself stopping the reflex and aborting sneezes. The times I have sneezed in the last eight months are usually when I do not expect to. I never had sneezing problems before. In fact, I never even thought about sneezing. I do not ever remember not being able to sneeze when I wanted to. Now, sneezing is all I can think about.

Anybody have answers? I am a 57 year old male in very good physical condition. My very neurotic mind is another story. I have suffered from many O.C.D related issues, anxiety and hypochondria. The main concern I have is to find someone out there who knows of this inability to complete a sneeze problem. Also, I would like to know if it is psychological and will not hurt me physically. Lately, I am thinking that the ability to sneeze normally will never return.

OCD All Over Me Again

Same old OCD torment again.. This urge to confront a guy I play softball with is overwhelming.. I know that nothing good could come of it. I do not have anything against this guy.. But, I feel I must act out again to prove some kind of distorted courage to myself..

 I am all overwhelmed and anxiety ridden about seeing him on the field tomorrow. It feels like there can be no relief unless I confront him about a perceived issue that he already apologized for.

It is the same lifelong urge that makes an ocd person  check the lights or the stove or do a million other things to feel relief.. Only mine can get dangerous because I need apologies or physical contact to get relief.. Usually, that only makes the  OCD .urge more complicated.

 Fear of the feeling of anxiety eating away is my issue.

So, I get  a reckless idea as to how to relieve it. Many times the solutions are dangerous. I have ended up in the hospital, in jail, in mental wards, and  always living with terrible OCD thoughts for long periods of time while trying to create unsuccessful  personal solutions.

Only doing nothing about OCD urges is the solution other then therapy and medicine.

Yet, figuring out persoanl solutions seem the only way to relieve the sickening anxiety I am feeling right now. It is always the same thing. There have been countless situations like this. But, I do not evedr learn that the solutions lie within..

I know that doing nothing other then applying my knowledge to this current situation is the answer. Self acceptance is critical but I cannot take comfort in it for very long.

 All the intellectual understanding in the world fails me. Medicine helps somewhat but not enough. Peace lies within my tortured mind but I can not attach my brain to that peace for very long.

 I will now start to do the work again. I know what to do and how to do it.but I do't have the mental courage.

I will not act out on this episode.I will take the first step again to deal with my OCD from within. .