OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER (OCD) STILL TORTURED AFTER 72 YEARS

How about some real time (OCD) obsessive compulsive disorder talk? I have been tormented and tortured by it almost my entire 72 male years. I have pure OCD as it is known. 

I do not need to keep checking the door to see of it is locked or checking the stove to see if it is turned off, or wash my hands a million times a day.

My misery is different. I must confront people who I think have insulted me. Fear is my constant companion because my whole deal is connected to confrontation. Doing fearful things so I can get the fearful thing off my mind are my boulders to carry.. 

So, if someone tells me to go fuck myself, or they say they think I stink at golf or if I feel that I must defend someone's honor who is a friend or loved one who has been insulted or abused, or the music next door is too loud or someone slams a door too hard or tons of other things happen than I become incapacitated. 

I sit and ruminate about what I can do to resolve the problem. I cannot function while my mind is pre-occupied with a thought of some act that I must perform that involves danger or personal harm to eliminate a problem..

My right eye was destroyed permanently by unnecessarily getting into a fight with some guy who was smacking around his girlfriend in the hallway of my apartment. The guy was hardly doing anything to this girl but he scared me just by looking at me so I did the only thing I knew to eliminate the fear I knew I would feel whenever I saw him. I hit him and he demolished me.

I tried to stop him verbally and when he swore at me instead of just walking back into my apartment I took a lame swing at him. He turned out to be a boxer who had just gotten released from jail for attempted murder. 

He busted me up and then my girl friend at the time took care of me for a few weeks and then threw me out for being so ignorant. She knew it was my OCD and not a sincere attempt to be a do gooder. 

That is just one story among many and I do not feel like writing much more tonight. 

I am in such an OCD state of mind for several months and I have such a litany of things on my mind that I cannot even phantom trying to resolve one OCD thought at a time. Because, I know that in attempting to resolve an irrational problem I may very well perpetuate it. 

I could spend twenty years trying to find a guy who insulted me a few months ago telling me to go fuck myself. 

Plus, I do not really want to find him because it's not about what he said that is the object of my OCD. It is about me letting go or just living with this OCD trigger.  

I just cannot deal with my OCD only through therapy, medicine, psychotherapy, meditation, or working out. 

Only by writing about it can I get relief. Writing works for me. It eases and temporarily eliminates OCD urges. And that is what an OCD sufferer wants. 

Relief.

I have been all tense because about 16 months ago I was playing softball and after the game, at lunch, I happened to make a remark about a political subject to two guys. 

I am liberal and one of the guys who is in charge of this men's basketball league is a Trump Republican. The other guy there is just the first guys puppet.

I mentioned something about Medicare that both tight asses took exception to. The main guy barked at me that there was no political talk allowed and he walked away from me at the restaurant. The puppet followed with a parting insult. 

I thought nothing of it until a few weeks later when I am at this restaurant again and see this same guy who decides to maliciously goad the other 10 or so guys at the table to not talk to me so I won't come back to lunch with them again. 

I walked over to both assholes to try to shake hands but both refused to. Well, that was 16 months ago and I have spent hundreds and maybe thousands of hours trying to figure out how I could make peace with both of those guys without escalating the situation and making it worse. 

Because once I start trying to resolve a perceived problem my OCD kicks in like crazy and I could be arrested for harassment or trespassing quickly by doing crazy things to get satisfaction. 

So this situation has meant sitting and ruminating everyday for ways I can make peace with both assholes without making it worse by confronting one or both of them and they still will not make peace and then I get physical. 

And, I am not tough and intimidating at all. It all has to do with how I was bullied and try to not get bullied anymore. All that is for another time so write in.

So, I have learned some very critical things about my OCD. If I do not do anything to try and make things right with these guys I will not end up making things worse and going into an OCD hell that I have lived through forever by trying to force them to resolve the issue.

I have learned that it is 100% better to just leave a situation alone rather than try to force it to bend to my will. 

That is a big understanding when the urge to try and work it out is so intense. But, I am safe by doing nothing and I do not have to act out . I just have tp live with the ocd urge and fix things from within like I am doing right now. 

 I know that I have OCD and there will always be more issues and more issues that torture me. But, I can only make things worse, as I have learned by acting out instead of sitting on my hands and being safe.  

Once upon a time I would be chasing these guys all over, even hiring private detectives so I could find them and try to get them to just shake hands.

So, I am writing about this because the answers do not lie with either of them. 

The answers lie in my tormented mind.

There is hope. But, OCD is ferocious.

I have improved.  

Celebrating Freedom From OCD

I am celebrating today. My obsessive compulsive mind is clear. It's a miracle. I am old now and have been perpetually  plagued each day with one OCD thought or another for 50 years.

 The problem for me are the thoughts I feel I have to act out on to relieve the overwhelming anxiety that keeps me in bed many days and keeps me swallowing valiums and xanaxes to function at all..

But, not today. Today, thankfully my mind is clear. So far. I have no obsessive thoughts tormenting me. I have no dangerous missions to accomplish such as confronting someone who offended me.  I am savoring this moment.

There was a guy who I had insulted and I humiliated who said he would never forgive me. I could not stand the mental anguish and fear of knowing his feelings. I had to get his forgiveness. I was afraid to go where he went, to see his car, to talk to others who know him simply because all of those triggered a feeling of needing to apologize to him which I thought would make it worse and more complicated..

I have made those kind of situations worse many times in the past. Trying to talk or meet with someone who did not want to deal with me.
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I did not think he would accept my amends. Finally, after six months I ran into him by accident. I apologized and he shook hands with me. Ahhh. What relief.

But, that still left another guy who I played ball with. I had tortured myself about allowing him to verbally bully me on the field by allowing him to bark orders to me about how I should play my position. I tormented myself for not speaking up to him when the bullying was happening. I dreaded going tothe  softball games that are played several times a week.

I was in  a hyper vigilant state yesterday again waiting to see him because he did not come to the games regularly.Also, I did not know what I would say to avoid exacerbating a conflict he did not even know existed. Finally, I saw him yesterday and apologized for any problem we had in the past which he admitted he was totally unaware of. But, that apology took him off my mind.The interaction did it.

At the same time, with both of these people I kept trying to convince myself that I could resolve my issues internally. I tried again and again, as I have always done in the past to convince myself that I did not need to do anything other then accept, refocus and revalue using the cognitive thinking.I have practiced for so long  unsuccessfully..

The "it's not me it's my ocd" chant works But, cognitive therapy is an excruciating mental process.

 Adjusting my mind to the anguish and struggling that comes from OCD is a ferocious task. Applying cognitive thinking  seems so much harder then just acting on a compulsion. But, that is a lie. It just feels good to say that this moment when I am free from the constraints of a demented, obsessive mind..

Well, in the end dealing with each person directly eliminated the problem. Cleverly making contact with both and apologizing, extinguished each  issue but at a huge mental price. Not the correct method but...oh well!!.

Solutions come from within especially with mental illness.

But those are only two out of so many other similar situations. Some  have turned out very badly. I have driven myself crazy, driven others crazy, had my life torn apart  by some random person who I thought I had to settle something with but who did not see things my way.. I have been put in jail, been put on probation, been beaten up, you name it, all to relieve a problem that anyone would have easily dismissed with no action..

I have stayed at home for days obsessed about something or been outside but living in my own hell.and not present except physically.

 I know there is so much work to be done to transform my life to menatal health without having to confront people to feel better.

The demons are resting now.
 It's time to work hard on the inside of myself to keep those demons quiet..

I know that is the only solution.

Hillary: Tell Me It Ain't So

They say write wriite write.  So, here I go again.
Hillary Clinton  was apparently miappropriating funds sent to the Clinton charitable foundation.
Impossible!!

The 33K emails she deleted was ok with me. That seemed like business. Unseemly, but business.                 I understand that. But, I do not get stealing charitable contributions. Unconscionable.

I still believe Clinton is the best choice for President because Trump is a total incompetent idiot with severe emotional problems.
He would destroy the country.

But, Hillary, tell me it ain't so.

Jackammer Drills Into OCD Victims Head

I live in a convertible studio on the top floor of a high rise in Chicago. I treasure my quiet, insulated space because I get freaked out so easily by noise, barking dogs, or any other disturbance that upsets my tranquility.

It is all from my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder that causes me to interpret any intrusion as a threat to my peace of mind. Therefore, if a neighbor made noise by playing loud music or walking loudly on the floor above I would always be listening for the noise. I would feel I had to confront that person about the problem that I perceived.

If it turned out to be a kind, friendly person who apologized I would no longer care about the noise. If it was a neighbor who acted angry or indifferent towards my complaint then the problem would only bother me more. This aspect of my OCD has led to endless anxiety and many confrontations with people. The problem is really not about the "noise". It is about me feeling victimized or bullied, my lifelong obsession.

 I have been living in this condominium for over four years.  Until last week I had never had any problem with my new next door neighbor who had just moved in a few months before.  I talked to this nice young lady only one time to ask her to not close her door so loudly early in the morning when she went to work. The door closing woke me up because it is located next to the wall my bed is next to. She said sorry and I never heard the door close loudly again and forgot about this annoyance.

A few days ago I was awakened to the head banging sound of a jackhammer blasting away into the attached wall. I couldn't believe what was happening. I walked out into the hallway and heard the sounds of men working and jackhammering in the next door apartment.

 I knocked on the door and one of the building foreman working there I know opened it. He told me the condo  had been sold and there would be construction going on until the end of the day. I told him that the noise was going to drive me crazy because I am home all day in my home office.

I left and was beside myself with anxiety. What if the project was not over at the end of the day? Who would the new neighbor be? But, OK I thought, it will be over at the end of the day. Somehow, I did not believe him.

I left and came back home at the next day and the jackhammer was still exploding noise into my wall. I went next door again and asked the foreman why the noise was still continuing, The foreman then told me that I should not worry. The noise would be over soon., . I said "you told me it would be over yesterday"
"You didn't say anything about this going on today also."

He said  that I had misunderstood him. The jackhammering should have been done the day before but the crew was late. He said it would be done within a few hours. He apologized  I asked " What about the rest of the job"?  He said the entire job  would take two weeks. I said what is involved. He said "Just normal construction, nothing very disturbing." You will hear very little."  I felt lied to again.

I said "I want to go down to the office and talk to the building manager". He said "fine, lets go". We did and the office did not even know there was construction going on in that space and told the foreman to provide the proper papers and get construction approval. The foreman said OK and he left. Nobody would discuss noise when I protested..

So, I had a new problem which was the job would be lasting two weeks. Also, I started to worry about  the foreman being mad at me and making the noise worse whenever he could. I had always gotten along with him. Not now.

 I was told by the building manager the building rules allowed for construction in apartments between 9 am and 5 pm Monday through Saturday. Period.

 I could not sleep all night waiting for the noise to start the next day.. I also had an appointment with a new shrink that same morning to go to. I ended up getting a few hours of bad sleep because I was on fire with anxiety. I left before 9am tortured with anxiety about loud noise I knew I would hear when I returned home.

I ended up introducing myself to this new shrink and immediately launching into a whole hour about this jackhammer issue and all the related situations like this one that have dominated my life and caused me to be  continually wracked with anxiety. The shrink listened and then told me he could not help me immediately. I asked for a medicine like Prozac, an SSRI, (brain pill in plain English) which I had resisted taking again for years because of side effects I had experienced long ago. I was ready again.

He said he had to see me again to understand more before prescribing medicine. He did give me some good advice reinforcing what I already knew which was that none of my concerns about noises had anything to do with the real issue of low self esteem and my definition of being victimized and my concept of manhood..

I went back home and heard loud noises but no jackhammering. I lasted about fifteen minutes listening to the screech of drills and the pounding of hammers.  I again knocked on the door and the foreman opened it. His facial expression indicated he had had enough of me.

I said I needed to talk to him again outside and gave him a cash Christmas present to sweeten him up. I said "the noise is loud and it is very disturbing which is not what you said"   He said "let me show you" and took me into the apartment to show me exactly what was being done.

As he did that I started to lose some of the anxiety I had built up. Soon I was back in my apartment concentrating on working and didn't even care about the noise.

 It is Christmas day today and the apartment next door is silent. I keep listening for noises that I envision could be coming from the new owner who I saw had left some cleaning supplies. I am worried about any possible confrontations with this person who is the new owner.

 I asked the foreman questions about the new owner and he said he knew very little except he was a young man.. I automatically started thinking about parties, noise, loud music and wished I could just make friends with this new owner..

The life of a person with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is miserable.