Showing posts with label girlfriend. Show all posts
Showing posts with label girlfriend. Show all posts

Saturday, June 1, 2019

Eating Strawberries and Whip Cream With My Hands Is No Big Deal?

The argument is about strawberries!! Really. strawberries. My girlfriend is all pissy tonight. She did not want to go out. She is too tired. I said fine. Good with me. Anyway, we usually get along. I'm this 70 year old Jewish, divorced guy who started another life in Florida after living in Chicago until four months ago. I met my wonderful, absolutely brilliant and indescribably gorgeous girlfriend a few months ago. Now, we live together. We both are retired and she takes care of me like a baby. She loves me crazy, crazy and I love her the same way. I am kind of an entitled, spoiled brat who does not follow normal protocols in many areas .My girlfriend does not mind my being kind of sloppy, impulsive, demanding and I am willing to accept her being habitually late, being lovingly domineering,and needing lights and TVs turned off way too early. I'ts all good usually. 
But, not tonight.

 Well, she got out of bed for a snack. I followed her to the kitchen. 
I love strawberries and whip cream which I made a big bowl of. I never learned how to eat certain foods properly so  I go primitive and use my hands sometimes.

Tonight, Connie went nuts about me eating the berries and whip cream with my fingers.

 I thought nothing of it until she totally went off on me. "Honey, she screeched. What are you doing eating with your hands like that"? "What's the big deal I answered" She said "you eat like a pig" "Huh", I responded. "No one, not even little babies eat with their hands like you." "so, big deal" I answered? 

"No honey, no way. "I'm going to take pictures of you eating like that and send them to your kids" Than, she left the room and took her snack to another room. I followed her trying to make my case. She would not bite.  So, after she would not accept my explanations I became a baby and would not follow her back to the bedroom as she asked me to.

 Than, she told me "Why don't you write about this" See what your audience thinks"
"Ok", I said.
So, w hat do you think about eating strawberries and whip cream with your fingers?  



Wednesday, May 16, 2018

Viagra Does The Job Saving My Relationship

  I woke up this morning in terror about my life. Broke and three days from being homeless thanks to my fucking girlfriend - ex-girlfriend. She gave me the boot just because my old dick won't go up all the time. Ok. Most of the time . Fine. Almost never. I get it. My dick is really a problem. But, its only been bad for 7 or 8 years.  No big deal I tell her. "That's right" she says. "Your dick used to be a big deal. Now its mush just like the person its attached to. You two belong together. Two worthless . I don't know.... Things.  Three days to find another sucker for free rent . Good luck. Your ex- main asset  is now as useless as rotten eggs"

  I hobbled over to to  the computer table to take my pills. I glanced at the computer screen and my heart jumped.. I'm not too sharp but I do know a good deal when I see one. She thinks I'm dumb. Ha.

 There it was. On the screen in big, bold print  an offer that said." We can make you wealthy without even putting your socks on". I looked over at my ugly, dirty, smelly socks .I was pumped. I'll show her who' s dumb I thought"

  I dialed the number in the ad. A lady answered. This is Ginny,"can I help you? "Yes, yes you can Ginny" "Thank goodness I called you" I'm Dave and I'm glad to tell you I haven't put my socks on.

. "What about your socks sir" Call me Dave please "Your socks? "Yeah Ginny. "My socks".
. " I just read your ad and it said "you can make me wealthy without me even putting on my socks."
So Ginny, how will you make me wealthy"?Sir" "It's Dave. Dave.
 "Ok Dave You want money " You'll have to apply.

"No.No.No. Your ad said you could make me wealthy without putting my socks on."
"so, let's get  started".

"Who are you please" I'm Dave " "and you want what"? I want you to make me wealthy". I haven't put my socks on so I'm qualified Ginny." "Uh Sir"." I mean Dave".

"How much did you want to apply to borrow Dave"?  "Borrow" I gasped. "Your ad only says you can make me rich without putting my socks on. There is nothing in your ad about borrowing."

"I don't understand why you are talking about". "Your socks?.
 "Ginny,you have an ad that says that you can make me rich without putting my socks on."
" Why would we loan you money for not putting your socks on"?
"Ginny,  I don't  know but you can get in trouble if you don't honor your ads."
"Trouble" "I'm just a temp here". I don't want any trouble."

  You have to fill out an application if you wish to apply for a loan"? "What is your email'? "

Why do you want my email"? "So I can send you a loan application Dave". "I just said I don't want a loan. I want you to make me a rich. I have put on my socks so I'm qualified"
"Um" Sir, I mean Dave"
I'm just a temp here. We don't sell socks."

"Oh, I get it" "Your ad was a bait and switch" "You sucked me in'
"You can get in a lot of trouble for false advertising."
"Trouble" "trouble" I'm just a temp here. I don't want to cause any trouble."
"Now, I would like the phone number of  the owner so I can sue  for false advertising"
"You wont get in any trouble if you just give me the owners name and number"

"I don't know it Dave" "Just ask anyone who has authority in your office". They'll know it"
"Hold on please" "It's Bob Johnson Dave at 7776543. He's actually the owner of the company" "He's in in the mornings."

"i called Mr. Johnson and left a voice mail explaining my interest in his company making me wealthy.
It's been two days and he has'nt called me back.
But is all good now. I won't be homeless for a while. i conned my friend out of the 100 mg Viagras so I figure I have another week left here.

'

 

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Crabs Scratch A Hot Night

First time I lost my virginity was back in 1967 in a whorehouse in Peoria, IL.  I was with a bunch of guys on New Years Eve and we decided to drive up to this house of ill repute. I was really nervous. I was still a virgin.  My sexual experiences were mostly hand jobs from my trustworthy high school girl friend. I thought I was one of the only guys to not have done the real thing. So, we entered this prostitution house and I looked around at several available women all in negligees.They were just sitting around on display.

 I saw an African American who was so hot with big tits and long legs. She kind of looked like Eartha Kitt. I pointed to her and she got up and she took me to a little room with a small bed. It did not smell good in that room but we did the deed after a little performance anxiety by me.

I strutted out to my friends who were already finished with their ladies. I had a big smile on my face.We left and had some food and drinks celebrating our accomplishment. The cost was only fifteen bucks as I remember.

 Well, I was a freshman in college living in a dorm at the time. I lived with my best friend from Chicago. He had not come to Peoria.  I told him all about my experience and I could tell he was slightly jealous.

A few days passed and I started to itch around my testicles.The itching got much worse and I did not know what was causing the problem. I was walking around scratching like crazy. My high school girlfriend was coming up to visit me that weekend. We checked into a motel and started to make love. i had finally talked her into going "All the way".

 I could not hump for thirty seconds without stopping to scratch. Finally, she said  "What is wrong with you? I said I did not know but that I had been itching continually for days. She was studying to be a lab technician at the time. She told me she wanted to take a look at the area around my scrotum. She pulled  a lamp down to take a good look. i pulled my legs apart so she could examine me. She looked hard then moved her fingers around my testicles and started to probe.

All of a sudden I saw her snatch up something small and moving with wings on it. She held it up between her fingers to show me She shrieked "You have crabs". I freaked out. Little wings spread. I had never heard of crabs. Then she got very angry telling me that someone can only get crabs from sexual intercourse and that I had cheated..

 I admitted that I had gone to this whorehouse in Peoria a few weeks before. I did not care about what she thought. I was scared to death thinking these crabs were really dangerous. I called the local hospital in the middle of the night and started blurting out my story and asked what to do. The Dr. said to go to the pharmacy and buy this lotion sold over the counter.that would kill the crabs but he also said I had to boil all my clothes, sheets, and just about everything else I owned.

I told my girlfriend to stay in the room until tho next day when she was supposed to drive home..

I immediately went back to the dorm and started to gather up all my sheets and underwear and put them in the washing machine. Only, I had to do it without attracting any attention especially from my very anal roommate.

 I spent two days going through every item I owned and two months afterward inspecting, checking and re-checking for any of those little monsters.  My Obsessive Compulsive Disorder went into overdrive.

What an experience that was. Several.years later I told my roommate the crabs story..
He started yelling and screaming as if he wanted to kill me.

Too bad Google was not around back then. I would have been much more relieved more quickly.