Showing posts with label gambler. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gambler. Show all posts

Saturday, September 23, 2023

COMPULSIVE GAMBLING: THE UNCONDITIONAL LOVER

Gambling. One of the nastiest monsters of the world. Feed it and it eats your soul. Starve it and it destroys your mind. To a real compulsive gambler the loss of gambling is good reason for perpetual mourning. Every ounce of desire in your body craves going back to gambling again.

The adrenaline, the euphoria, the joy of knowing you will be in action is enough to inspire any gambler to gamble again or relapse no matter how much they have lost. I am not just talking about lost money. I am talking about lost health, family, and friends. About losing everything that matters.

I gambled for over 50 years and lost it all. In the last nine years I have quit gambling and slowly rebuilt my life. Yet, I continue to long for my greatest friend and unconditional lover. Gambling. But I am no longer owned by that urge. I own it. But, I only own it one day at a time. So I stay on guard and keep working with other compulsive gamblers continually or I know I am doomed. Each day, I commit to not gambling that day and then I get to the next day. It's not easy but it's way better than dying.

I was a very big gambler betting on sports, craps, blackjack, anything at all. I would win or lose thousands of dollars a day. I had lost well over a million dollars in my life before I stopped gambling nine years ago. My last bet was on January 9, 2009. I also lost my priceless soul. I was a total degenerate.

The addiction of compulsive gambling is the same for all affected whether one bets nickels or thousands of dollars. It's all about powerlessness over gambling. A compulsive gambler cannot stop permanently without help. The help comes from joining Gamblers Anonymous which is totally free.

No one stops gambling on their own permanently. Will power alone will not make it. I tried many times and would stop for a few months or longer. But, the urge to gamble again waited patiently to take me down. Eventually, I would start gambling. I could not understand that I needed the help of other compulsive gamblers to stop gambling permanently. I quit over and over. But, I could not stay sober from betting.

Being destroyed financially, mentally, and emotionally is not enough. The monster inside my brain and every other compulsive gamblers brain still lives on unaffected by logic and reason. It says "You can do it David." You can set limits, you can avoid going out of control and enjoy the thrill of being in action." My rational mind keeps speaking at the same time. "Go to a Gamblers Anonymous meeting David. You are getting false messages. You are doomed if you gamble. You know that."

I do know that now. The gambling demon in my brain does not go away. It never will But, the evil voice tears at my irrational mind and says "just do it. "You will do it like a normal person this time. You will be ok" My logical mind needs constant reinforcement to say no to that urge everyday of my life. It says "David, you have tried to stop gambling and cannot do it alone."

My abnormal mind is a powerful, self destructive force that needs no nourishment. It never starves and is endlessly patient. It waits and waits tirelessly inside of myself and inside every other compulsive gambler. It says "Come to me David. You want me" It stalks me and tempts me like the sick, twisted, sociopath it is.

My solution, my lifelong answer came when I started to attend Gamblers Anonymous meetings regularly which are filled with people just like me. I faithfully attend GA meetings weekly, every week, no matter what else is happening. My GA meetings are the biggest responsibility I have. Meetings come before work, family, or anything else because I know that gambling will either drive me insane, put me in jail, or kill me.

So, I know that my life depends on not gambling and I need the support of other compulsive gamblers continually. I stay abstinent by going to Gamblers Anonymous meetings and sharing my feelings with other gamblers whether young or old whether they have been abstinent for one day or thirty years. I know that I need the positive reinforcement I get from being at GA meetings which are plentiful all over the country and the world.

I work the 12 steps of recovery with a sponsor and at group meetings. I deal with personal defects that caused me endless pain and suffering from gambling. Only from GA can I get the strength and support of others just like me who help me through each day.

Compulsive Gamblers all share the same feelings. Only other compulsive gamblers understand each other regardless of age, nationality, beliefs or any other denominator. We are all the same because we are powerless over gambling and our lives are unmanageable. It's easy to understand but tough to accept and stick with. But, thousands of men and women are recovering compulsive gamblers.

Look up Gamblers Anonymous online and find out where to call and where the local meetings are in your area. Google it.

Its easy to check out. A spouse or friend can check it out for you. There is a free, twenty four hour a day non stop helpline that can be called by anyone, anytime. Try it. 

I have not gambled a penny since January 9, 2009. If I can stop anybody can.

But, only with help.

You can only win if you don't play.

Wednesday, February 3, 2021

COMPULSIVE GAMBLING: YOU WIN ONLY IF YOU DO NOT PLAY.

Updated September 17, 2023

The adrenaline, the euphoria, the joy of knowing you will be in action is enough to inspire any gambler to gamble again and again  no matter how much they have lost. I am not just talking about lost money. I am talking about lost health, family, and friends.

About losing everything that matters.

I gambled for over 60 years and lost it all. In the last 14 years I have quit gambling and slowly rebuilt my life. Yet, I continue to long for my greatest friend and unconditional lover. Gambling.

Now, I am no longer owned by that urge. I own it. But, I only own it only day at a time. So, I stay on guard and keep working with other compulsive gamblers continually or I know I am doomed. Each day I commit to not gambling that day and to get to the next day without making a bet.

Compulsive gambling is an incurable, lifelong disease.That is the bad news. The good  news is the condition can be arrested. You can stop.

It's not easy but it's much better than going to jail, an asylum, or the cemetery.

I was a very big gambler betting on sports, craps, blackjack, or anything at all, everyday. I would win or lose thousands of dollars. I had lost well over 1 million dollars before I stopped gambling in 2009.

I lost everything including my priceless soul.

The addiction of compulsive gambling is the same for all affected whether one bets nickels or millions of dollars. We are powerless. Gamblers cannot stop. Help is needed.

The help comes from joining Gamblers Anonymous (GA) which is a totally free fellowship..

No one stops gambling on their own permanently. Will power alone will not make it. I tried many times and would stop for a few months or longer.

But, the urge to gamble waited patiently to take me down again and again. I would stay abstinent for one month to three years. Eventually, I would start gambling again.

I could not understand that I needed the help of other compulsive gamblers to quit gambling permanently. I always thought I could stop on my own. I never wanted to. 

So, I would say I was different.

Being destroyed financially, mentally, and emotionally was not enough to stop me. The monster inside my brain and every other compulsive gamblers brain still lives on unaffected by logic and reason.

 It says "come back to me. I love you no matter what you have done. You can gamble David. You can set limits, you can avoid going out of control and just enjoy the thrill of being in action like a normal person.”

Simultaneously, my rational mind always kept speaking the painful truth constantly saying. “You are powerless., you cannot stop gambling on your own”. 

My compulsive gambling mental illness is much smarter and stronger than my will.

"You are doomed if you gamble David.” That is the true inner voice.

That truth must be accepted 100%.

I do know that now. The gambling demon in my brain will never go away.! But, it can be stopped from doing any more damage.

The evil, patient, clever voice lies and tears at my rational mind and keeps saying "Just do it. You will be okay." 

My  powerless mind needs constant reinforcement to continue saying no to that urge everyday of my life. 

 It says "David, you have tried to stop gambling and cannot do it alone. Go to a gamblers anonymous meeting, Contact your GA. friends."

My sick mind is a powerful, self destructive force that needs no nourishment. It never starves and is endlessly patient. It waits and waits tirelessly inside myself and inside every other compulsive gambler. It screams "Come back to me David. You want me."

It stalks me and tempts me like the sick, twisted, sociopath it is.

My solution, my lifelong answer came when I started to attend Gamblers Anonymous meetings regularly which are filled with people just like me. I faithfully attend several Gamblers Anonymous meetings weekly, every week, no matter what else is happening. 

My GA meetings are the biggest responsibility I have.

Meetings come before work, family, or anything else because I know that gambling again will either drive me insane, put me in jail, or kill me.

So, I know that my life depends on not gambling and I need the support of other compulsive gamblers continually. I stay abstinent by going to meetings and sharing my feelings with other gamblers whether young or old and whether they have been abstinent for one day or thirty years.

I know that I need the positive reinforcement I get from being at GA meetings which are plentiful all over the country and the world. Just Google gamblers anonymous. Call the emergency phone service or have someone call for you. 

I work the 12 steps of recovery alone, with a sponsor, and at group meetings. I deal with the personal defects that caused me endless pain and suffering from gambling. 

Only from Gamblers Anonymous can I get the strength and support of others just like me who help me through each day.

Compulsive Gamblers all share the same feelings. Only other compulsive gamblers understand each other regardless of age, nationality, beliefs or any other denominator. We are all the same because we are all powerless over gambling and our lives are unmanageable. 

It's an easy concept to understand but tough to accept and stick with. But, thousands of men and women all over the world are successfully recovering compulsive gamblers.

Look up Gamblers Anonymous online and find out where to call and where the local meetings are in your area. Google Compulsive Gambling.

 There are thousands of meetings throughout the country everyday of the year. It is a totally FREE fellowship.

.There is a free, twenty four hour a day non stop helpline that can be called by anyone, anytime. Call it gamblers and spouses. It may save your life.

I have not gambled a penny since January 9, 2009. Before that I gambled everyday for over sixty years..

If I can stop anybody can.

But, only with help.

You can win only but only if you don't play.

Gambling is my deadly lover who I never intend to return to.

Compulsive gambling is the devil.

The National Helpline is:

1-800-522-4700 free.

It is an access point to local resources for those seeking information about a gambling problem.

Just check it out wherever you live. 

You cannot lose.


Monday, June 29, 2020

WRITING A DOG TRUMP AND GAMBLERS ANONYMOUS

I have written a lot for a long time in my seventy one one plus years of existence. I have started novels, short stories, essays, autobiographies, screenplays. You name it. I have ground out a lot of words.

Unfortunately, all my words have gone in the junk heap. I do not know that I have ever written anything good. I really don't know yet if I can really write. My stuff has never being published other than on my pathetic blog.

I once owned a small business newspaper for which I wrote a weekly publishers opinion column, usually in the middle of the night some forty years ago.

Now, I am seventy one, divorced, with a big, loving family that is in great shape.  Fortunately, I have been very lucky so that in my twilight years I have ended up with almost no responsibilities other than walking my girlfriends little dog.

He is a five year old American Eski. I've fallen madly in love with him in the year he has been living with us in beautiful southern Florida. I never knew I could be so dedicated to a dog. He is my best friend. 

So, here I go. Rambling. I thought I would write something political or about the coronavirus, or maybe how I have also fallen in love with playing pickle ball everyday. 

Or, the many friends I have made since I moved here from Chicago.

But, I just listened to the CNN special on Trump and I am too aggravated to concentrate. So I am enjoying doing this stream of consciousness flash piece, or journal entry, or disconnected dialogue, or whatever it is. 

I can do these all day. Just writing thoughtlessly is so much fun. No extensive editing, rewriting, or the torture of making what I am writing perfect. 

Just writing perfectly imperfect for the joy is great. 

Ah!!

There is just something so easy about informal writing versus edited  writing and all that that entails. 

So, whoever you are out there let me know if you want to hear more from me.

Also, I am a compulsive gambler who has not gambled a penny for over eleven years. I would be dead, insane, or in jail if I did not stop.

Google Gamblers Anonymous. GA

Help is waiting 24/7

David

Friday, April 13, 2018

BORN TO LOSE

Being born was the first mistake. Somewheres around 1947 daddy had sex with mommy maybe for the last time. Even though she was 47 years old it did not matter. She got pregnant anyway.with me.  That was 70 years ago and life has been a disaster ever since I crawled out of the womb. Dad died suddenly when I was twelve years old and mom already had two grown sons ages twenty four and twenty five. They had moved out of the house and gotten married.

Dad had made lots of money by being very smart in real estate investments and in several retail businesses he owned. He left plenty of money for mom and so she would  never have to work or worry about surviving. My two older brothers, my mom, and myself were all left percentages of his estate, my mom and I splitting a third and the brothers each getting a third. My assets went into a trust fund frozen until I was 21. My age to get the trust assets should have been 62 and I would not be broke now.

The successful family businesses daddy left became even more successful after he died only because of  the presence of one of my brilliant, charismatic brother. He was a genius businessman and  turned dads businesses into an empire.

I was the benefactor of mom making me into a world class spoiled brat from birth.. She never said no to any of my continual requests for money or material objects through my teens.. As time went on the businesses made more and more money for the family empire which had been blessed with several children by the five year anniversary of my dads death. My trust fund was being managed by my brother. He had also acted as a second father since my dads passing.

I had been gambling compulsively since I was 10 years old. I drained my unaware mom of a fortune to cover my losses and keep myself in action .She had no idea her money was going for gambling. I just came up with one story after another for years. She  believed whatever story I told her never even dreaming about gambling as the cause of my incessant need for money. It was never big gambling through my teens.

Things changed when I was twenty one and got real money to play with.
 My trust fund had been handled brilliantly by my brainy brother  Ed..  I had heard that my assets were going up and up.  My life became all about waiting to be twenty one. I had almost not graduated high school and got thrown out of three colleges. I gambled and played golf instead of studying. I was controlled only by gambling.

My twenty first birthday finally came. I could not believe it when brother Ed sat me down and told me I was a millionaire. Ed said I had over 2 million in assets in my trust account. It was all mine.. I was delirious.
 I received stock, cd,s, money market funds, real estate and other assets.  Ed was so proud to sit  with me and plan out what I was going to do with all the money I had inherited. He reminded me to do the right thing and handle my fortune wisely so I could make my fortune increasingly larger.  I listened to him explain what he thought I should do to protect the assets. He, like others, thought I was a normal person.

 He said I was welcome to step into any part of any of the businesses I was interested in and take my place. I said I was going on vacation for a week or so. He hugged me and told me to have a good time. With my heart beating and airline tickets purchased I was in the airport the next day waiting to go to Las Vegas. 


No one except my couple closest friends knew I was a compulsive gambler who had been losing every dime my mom gave me since I was ten years old.  I had thrown all the money she gave me in the gambling sewer.. I lost larger and larger amounts.

 I put $100,000 on deposit at the Flamingo Hotel in Vegas. I thought was loaded for life. I believed I had a blackjack system that could not lose if only it could be funded adequately. Now it was.

 I did not even know what a compulsive gambler was. I never heard the term until years later. I never would have believed back then that I had no chance to keep all that money for very long. I had no control.

 I  went wild gambling.  I lost the $100.00.000 dollars in two days of insane, non-stop gambling. I blew the whole two million dollars in  less then two years. It was easy to do.  Plus, I owed another two hundred thousand dollars to juice men, bookmakers, friends, relatives and Las Vegas hotels. I was out of control. I could not bet enough. I lost more and more desperate to win back my losses.

 I also got drafted at twenty two. I only had about a million dollars left. I had not stopped losing since I got the inheritance. I was the worlds worst gambler and had blown away a million dollars in a year..

I found myself sitting outside the psychiatrists office at the draft induction center.
 I was a natural con man and with keen insight that I had been gifted with somehow. I could always read people.

I was as good an actor as Jack Nicholson when I mumbled to the induction shrink how people had always picked on me and I knew they would do it again in the military. Dr whoever it was decided I was unfit for military service. I came off to him like one of those unfit problem people but not a psycho. Out the door I went free as a bird..

 I do not know how I found the right voice to persuade him to reject me. It was one of the greatest accomplishments of my life  I was a perfect one take undesirable. I had only asked a few family friends who were shrinks for suggestions on how to beat the military shrink and they told me to try and come off a certain way but said it would be almost impossible.

I  danced down the street from the induction with my rejection certificate .I celebrated my permanent rejection from the military and took all my buddies out for dinner continually re-enacting the way I had spoken like a mentally troubled person. to the induction shrink.

So, I ran around for another year with my group of  pool room degenerate friends who were all full time gamblers on horses, poker , gin rummy. Some were thieves, burglars, and other assorted deviants. I gambled every day almost around the clock.
I still lived at home but rarely talked to my mom. We were on very different schedules. i was out all night and she was out doing good charity work all day.

She could only watch me always falling asleep in the chair when I occasionally sat down with her. She would say "bum, when are you going to work"?  That meant go work at one of the family businesses. She never even asked how much money from my inheritance I had left. She never dreamed I had gambled a million dollars away. She did not ever think anyone in our family needed money. She did not speak of money because it was never an issue.

 Meanwhile,I kept betting more and more. Eventually I  lost the million and got badly in hock to bookmakers and loan sharks.  I humbly walked in to the office and asked my smart brother for a job. I confessed everything to him. He never looked up. I cried that bad guys were looking for me for money I owed. He told me to call them and have them see him., He settled my debts. then, he punched me in the face over and over beating me bloody. He was horrified i had gambled away all my money.

When he stopped we talked. He said he loved me and knew my gambling was over. He said he had heard of a place called Gamblers Anonymous and he said he would go there with me. He did. that was in 1975. He took me out for dinner after this meting with all these pathetic, broken down people. Then, he said he was sure I had leaned my lesson for life. He gave me a good job and and generous salary and reminded me I was on 23 so i would be fine.

I lasted about 3 days and I was gambling again. I loved gambling more then life. I concealed my disease from him and he still does not know that I never changed. I got another big chunk of family money about twenty years later and gambled that sizable amount away also.. One day, when I was about 61 all the cash was gone. I had wasted most of my life gambling. So, I quit. I went back to Gamblers Anonymous and have not made a bet of any kind in 9 years.

It was one of the only smart moves I ever made.