Showing posts with label confrontation with neighbor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label confrontation with neighbor. Show all posts

Sunday, January 10, 2016

OCD AND CONFRONTING A SWEATY NEIGHBOR

No. This will not be another wasted day of my life. I stayed inside all day long. I also stayed home several days this week battling another ridiculous, illogical bout of OCD that has destroyed my life despite drugs, therapy, and self help. I get a thought on my mind, usually of a fear I feel I must confront. Then, I start to analyze the consequences of acting on the urge. Interestingly, the urge can be knocking on a neighbors door who is playing loud music, telling someone who is sitting behind me at the movies to stop making noise, or telling a rude delivery man to stop abusing a little old lady. My obsessive compulsive disorder is all about fear4. But, it also more about the consequences of telling that person to be quiet or facing a fear because doing so has exacerbated situations so that the next thing I know I am trying to track down that deliveryman or neighbor, or person sitting behind me in the movie so I can further explain myself after I had acted out to relieve the urge only to make it worse. Acting out to reliever OCD urges has actually landed me in jail for stalking and trespassing. So, I just cant let things go however how benign.
   So, today is Sunday January 10, 2016. A year ago or so there was a guy in the fitness room of my high rise building who was working out but did not sanitize the equipment he was using after he was done. The protocol is that everyone sanitize their equipment after using it although there is no written rule to do so.. I saw this guy get ready to leave without cleaning the bicycle he was working out on. Hi friend also did not clean up after himself but I did not care about him. So, you see, it was not really about sanitation. It was about not being victimized. I wanted to say something to him such as " please clean the bicycle"  but I did not. I hated myself for not acting. Fear. My lifelong enemy. I got it in my mind that I had to confront this total stranger about sanitizing the equipment after using it.

But, I did not know how to go about it. I had missed the moment. I did not know which floor he lived on, how to not seem crazy if I did manage to find him.  Or, if I met him in the building sometime how to just confront him with my desire to tell him to sanitize the equipment. Then, I started to figure out what I would say to him if I did ever get a chance deliver my request to clean the equipment. What if he got mad, or insulted, or would not listen to me or any other reason. I would again have to leave unsatisfied that the matter was not resolved. I was again powerless.

Finally, I accidentally met him in the exercise room again.This was after I had been thinking about this urge to talk to him for several months. Really. I was pretty dysfunctional For a  long time. I would get him off my mind but he would come back to continue to haunt me.Finally, I met him again in the exercise room. I was face to face with him. I told him that germs were a phobia for me and that I had noticed that he had not cleaned his machine a while back. He answered that he had a different system of cleaning equipment..

He said he cleaned his machine before he worked out. I never expected that answer. I responded what about the people using his machine after he had left it all sweated up. He answered something about he has been using the machines for 4 years and never had a problem.The, he walked away again leaving me unsatisfied. From then on, which was many months ago I have been utterly immobile. I keep deciding that this is not me it is my OCD. There has been so many situations like this and I know if I pursue this I will probably end up in trouble. Yet the urge to go back and confront him still overwhelms me and ruins my life. I stayed in all day today resisting the urge to go to the exercise room to see if he is there. I dare not hunt him down in this building even though I could because he surely would think I am crazy. That is true. I continually tell myself that now, finally, as I write this I will accept myself for what I am. A person with pure Obsessive Compulsive Behavior.

   None of my stuff has anything to do with courage to face fears. It has to do with my crazy brain that just wont let go of OCD thoughts until a more intense thought occurs to replace it or some horrid consequence takes place that discharges it. My thing I want to say to him is "will you wipe the machine a second time after you use it not just before you use it?"  If he would say yes to that the obsession with him would be over. But, the years have taught me, and I am 67 that a new obsession will just come to replace any resolved obsession even if he said exactly what I wanted him to. I would then think of something else I needed to explain to him and the cycle would resume.It would be a course of misery.

But, it is all emotional and I am an emotional wreck even though I put on a good facade.
Ah. This feels better. I have some relief by writing this. It is not another wasted day if I helped anyone who gets something from this dribble.At least I did.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Jackhammer Blasts OCD Sufferers Brain

I live in a beautiful studio apartment on the top floor of a fancy high rise in Chicago. I treasure my quiet, insulated space because I get freaked out so easily by noise, barking dogs, or any other disturbance that upsets my tranquility. It is caused by Obsessive Compulsive Disorder that causes me to interpret any intrusion as a threat to my peace of mind. Therefore, if a neighbor makes noise by playing loud music or walking loudly on the floor above I am on guard.


I feel I have to confront that person about the problem that I perceived. If that person turns out to be friendly and sympathetic and apologetic I would no longer care about the noise. I would get instant relief. If it was a person who acted angry or indifferent towards my complaint then I would start obsessing about confronting that person again and again intent on getting satisfaction..


This aspect of my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD ) has led to endless anxiety and many terrible and complicated confrontations with people. The problem is really not about the "noise". It is about me feeling victimized or bullied, which is my lifelong obsession.


I have been living in this same unit for over four years. Until last week I had never had any problem with my next door neighbor. I talked to this nice young lady only one time before to ask her not to close her door so loudly early in the morning when she went to work. The door closing woke me because it is located next to the wall my bed is next to. She said "I'm sorry" when I explained my discomfort and I never heard the door close loudly again and forgot about this annoyance. Even when she occasionally closed the door sharply I still did not care. I did not feel victimized or feel any need to confront her..



A few days ago I was awakened to the blasting sound of a jackhammer tearing into the attached wall. I couldn't believe what was happening. It was like a bombardment. I walked out into the hallway and heard the sounds of men working and jackhammering in the next door apartment. I knocked on the door and one of the building foremen working there, who I know, opened it. I said "what's going on?" He told me the condo had been sold and there would be construction with jackhammering going on until the end of the day. I told him that the noise was going to drive me crazy because I am home all day in my office. He said "don't worry, there will be only one day of this."



I left the building to get away from the noise but was beside myself with anxiety. What if the project was not over at the end of the day? But, OK I thought, maybe it will be. I tried to convince myself. I could not.


I came back home at night. Quiet. No construction could be done after 5 pm. The next day at 9 am. the jackhammer was exploding again into my wall. I went next door again and asked the foreman why the noise was still continuing, The foreman then told me that I should not worry. The noise would be over soon. I said "You told me it would be over yesterday" You didn't say anything about this going on today also."


He said that I had misunderstood him. The jackhammering should have been finished the day before, he agreed, but the job took longer then expected. He said the jackhammer would be done within a few hours. He apologized.

I asked " What about the rest of the job"?

He said the entire job would take two weeks. I asked "what else is involved?". He said "Just normal construction, nothing very disturbing." You will hear very little." I felt lied to again.
 
The next day there was loud noise from drilling, hammering, sawing, and scraping, i went to the building office to complain. I was told that Monday through Friday construction was permitted 9 am to 5 pm. Nobody would discuss it further. I would have to live with it.


So, I had a new problem which was the job would be lasting two weeks. Not one day which is what I thought. Also, I started to worry about the foreman being mad at me for complaining and intentionally making the noise worse whenever he could. I had always gotten along with him before. Not now. I feared him.


I could hardly sleep all night waiting for the noise to start again the next day. My brain was on fire with anxiety. I also had an appointment with a new shrink that day. I left to see the shrink before 9 am to avoid the noise I knew I would hearing. I sat at a Starbucks near the shrinks office for hours while a big construction project was going on outside. That loud noise never even bothered me.

I introduced myself to this new shrink and immediately launching into a whole hour about this jackhammer issue and all the related situations like this one that have dominated my life and caused me to be continually wracked with anxiety.

The shrink listened and then told me he could not help me immediately. I asked for medicine like Prozac, an SSRI .(brain pill in plain English) which I had resisted taking again for years because of side effects I had experienced long ago. I was ready to give medicine another try.

He said he had to see me again to understand more before prescribing medicine. He did give me some good advice reinforcing what I already knew.He said that none of my concerns about noises had anything to do with the real issue of low self esteem and my definition of being victimized and my concept of manhood tied into my anxiety.


I was tortured with anxiety about the loud noise I knew I would hear when I returned home all through the session.i was in a full blown OCD episode.



I went back home and heard the loud noises pouring through the wall.. I lasted about fifteen minutes listening to the screech of drills and the pounding of hammers and the scream of wood being sawed. Then, I jumped up and again knocked on the door and the foreman again opened it. His facial expression indicated he had had enough of me.


I said I needed to talk to him again outside. I gave him a cash Christmas present to sweeten him up. Then I said "the noise is loud and it is very disturbing which is not what you promised" He said "let me show you" and he took me into the apartment to show me exactly what was being done.

That was the best thing he could do to turn off my OCD. He had tried to make me feel better with some TLC. That was and always is the key to my overcoming these crazy obsessions..



With that gesture I started to release the anxiety I was overwhelmed with. The foreman showed understanding and compassion and I no longer felt victimized by the noise of the work being done.

Soon, I was back in my apartment concentrating on working and didn't even care about the noise for the next two weeks other then when it would get really loud. Then, I would just tune it out.like a normal person would...


It is Christmas day today and the apartment next door is silent. I keep listening for noises that I envision could be coming from the new owner who I saw had left some personal cleaning supplies. I am worried about any possible confrontations with this person who will be moving in. Is he noisy? Does he slam the door? Does he have a dog? Does he have loud parties?.


I had asked the foreman questions about the new owner and he said he knew very little except he was a young man. I automatically started wishing I could just make friends with this new owner fast and that we liked each other. Then, I would not be bothered by noises made in that apartment. I would be OK with his understanding if I ever needed it.


The life of a person with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is miserable.


It's a pain in the brain.