Tuesday, May 22, 2018

Pissed At A Starbucks Toilet

There ought to be a law against people who go to a Starbucks bathroom, flush the toilet, turn on the hand blower, and then do not immediately open the door and leave. 

It's so rude to professional Starbucks pissers who are listening to the hand dryer thinking they will be able to relieve themselves when the blower goes silent. 

Just the other day I stopped at my favorite Starbucks which is on my delivery route. I had a fierce urge to take a piss. My old bladder was bursting. 

I entered and looked at the single bathroom door and there was no one waiting to go in. Relief, I felt happy for a second. Then, I turned the handle of the door and it was locked. "Shit," I mumbled quietly. 

I started swaying nervously waiting to hear the toilet flush. It did quickly, Then the hand blower started blasting away. 

Ah. Thank goodness. Relief was a few seconds away. I then heard the blower turn off and I already had my hand on my zipper in anticipation of emptying my bloated bladder.

But, the door did not open. Another few moments went by and I was sweating and swaying  and getting crazy. I was just a little bit away from peeing in my pants. After all, I'm sixty nine years old. My bladder is no longer made of steel. Now, it seems to be made of tissue paper. 

Another moment passed and I couldn't take it. I snapped. I pounded hard on the door with both fists. Nothing happened. Then, I started kicking the door while still pounding away with my hands.
Nothing doing.


 I started screaming "get out of there" "I gotta go bad." Still, only a locked door. My bladder was at its limit. The piss was just about to burst out. It was personal now. This bastard inside was trying to torture me. I screamed "get the fuck out of there, asshole, I'm dying here". 

The door finally opened and this little prick with a Chicago White Sox cap emerges, I felt brave knowing I was not going to get punched out by some nasty dude. As I roughly pushed past this little shit who was about four and a half feet tall and maybe eight years old I screamed at him " Did you ever think someone was waiting to get in here?" He looked up at me as if he had never been abused before.

 I emptied my tortured bladder, came out and started heading back to my van. Just as I was pulling open the Starbucks front door this huge, strong, heavily tattooed arm clamped around the back of my neck. This  big muscle bound, scary looking guy growls "that's my son, asshole" pointing down to the little prick who is now grinning widely at me. I say "umm, ah, I". 

The bruiser, probably his father interrupts my stutter. He says "You have three words to say to  little Tommy "Repeat them back asshole or say goodnight as he cocks his arm back and makes a fist"."Say, I'm sorry Tommy". I looked down at this little bitch who was now laughing hard. I looked at the brute before I humiliated myself. He was mad. 

I'm sorry Tommy". "Ok" little Tommy says.
The tough guy looks at me as I opened the door walking away.. " "Go get your dick fixed shithead" he says. He waited for an answer. 
I only could come up with "thank you" 

What a pussy I am. My OCD made me replay the situation over and over for days. The conclusion was "I'm a pussy.  

Wednesday, May 16, 2018

Viagra Does The Job Saving My Relationship

  I woke up this morning in terror about my life. Broke and three days from being homeless thanks to my fucking girlfriend - ex-girlfriend. She gave me the boot just because my old dick won't go up all the time. Ok. Most of the time . Fine. Almost never. I get it. My dick is really a problem. But, its only been bad for 7 or 8 years.  No big deal I tell her. "That's right" she says. "Your dick used to be a big deal. Now its mush just like the person its attached to. You two belong together. Two worthless . I don't know.... Things.  Three days to find another sucker for free rent . Good luck. Your ex- main asset  is now as useless as rotten eggs"

  I hobbled over to to  the computer table to take my pills. I glanced at the computer screen and my heart jumped.. I'm not too sharp but I do know a good deal when I see one. She thinks I'm dumb. Ha.

 There it was. On the screen in big, bold print  an offer that said." We can make you wealthy without even putting your socks on". I looked over at my ugly, dirty, smelly socks .I was pumped. I'll show her who' s dumb I thought"

  I dialed the number in the ad. A lady answered. This is Ginny,"can I help you? "Yes, yes you can Ginny" "Thank goodness I called you" I'm Dave and I'm glad to tell you I haven't put my socks on.

. "What about your socks sir" Call me Dave please "Your socks? "Yeah Ginny. "My socks".
. " I just read your ad and it said "you can make me wealthy without me even putting on my socks."
So Ginny, how will you make me wealthy"?Sir" "It's Dave. Dave.
 "Ok Dave You want money " You'll have to apply.

"No.No.No. Your ad said you could make me wealthy without putting my socks on."
"so, let's get  started".

"Who are you please" I'm Dave " "and you want what"? I want you to make me wealthy". I haven't put my socks on so I'm qualified Ginny." "Uh Sir"." I mean Dave".

"How much did you want to apply to borrow Dave"?  "Borrow" I gasped. "Your ad only says you can make me rich without putting my socks on. There is nothing in your ad about borrowing."

"I don't understand why you are talking about". "Your socks?.
 "Ginny,you have an ad that says that you can make me rich without putting my socks on."
" Why would we loan you money for not putting your socks on"?
"Ginny,  I don't  know but you can get in trouble if you don't honor your ads."
"Trouble" "I'm just a temp here". I don't want any trouble."

  You have to fill out an application if you wish to apply for a loan"? "What is your email'? "

Why do you want my email"? "So I can send you a loan application Dave". "I just said I don't want a loan. I want you to make me a rich. I have put on my socks so I'm qualified"
"Um" Sir, I mean Dave"
I'm just a temp here. We don't sell socks."

"Oh, I get it" "Your ad was a bait and switch" "You sucked me in'
"You can get in a lot of trouble for false advertising."
"Trouble" "trouble" I'm just a temp here. I don't want to cause any trouble."
"Now, I would like the phone number of  the owner so I can sue  for false advertising"
"You wont get in any trouble if you just give me the owners name and number"

"I don't know it Dave" "Just ask anyone who has authority in your office". They'll know it"
"Hold on please" "It's Bob Johnson Dave at 7776543. He's actually the owner of the company" "He's in in the mornings."

"i called Mr. Johnson and left a voice mail explaining my interest in his company making me wealthy.
It's been two days and he has'nt called me back.
But is all good now. I won't be homeless for a while. i conned my friend out of the 100 mg Viagras so I figure I have another week left here.

'