So I am sitting at my desk in my condo. I am still torn between betraying my lover/mother who takes care of me in every way. Emotionally, financially, and spiritually. Except, she is married to someone else and is out of town most of the winter. It's better when she is in town and keeps me out of this clinical depression.
So, I have been resisting the perpetual urge to start gambling again although I have been clean and sober for over six years If I gamble she will find out quickly even if I sneak it. Also, my kids and few close friends would immediately lose all respect for me and lose all trust. I would be cutting myself off from the easiest life one could imagine. I have not gambled in over six years.
I am covered financially by my very rich sugar momma only because I do not gamble. If I do gamble she would cut me off in a second. I would end up broke and living in the gutter. Now, I live in a penthouse and have plenty of money between driving a cab, making money from a promotional business, and getting social security. If I'm short of cash or want anything then all I have to do is call momma..She never says no.
Still, the monster to gamble lives within me. I want to chuck it all an go back to the craps table, play online poker and bet ballgames. I want eject myself from this desk and make a furiously fast journey to Las Vegas or just go to one of the gambling boats thirty minutes away from my house..The addiction to gamble has remained so powerful that it eats at me every minute of every day. It is all I want to do.
So, I sit here at the age of 66 in torment. I am too smart and have lived the degenerate life in previous years for too long so all I need to do is play the tape of what my life will evolve to if I go back into action.. No sugar mama, no respect from my family who I have punished, no respect from my few friends and no respect for myself.
Yet, I am tempted to throw it all away.
The hardest truth is I am a horrible gambler who almost never won and manged to lose almost two million dollars.I don't even have a plan.
I just want to give in to the impulse and go gamble..
No comments:
Post a Comment