Online Sexual Relationship: Be Careful

 I saw this beautiful black haired woman on an online dating site. She was about 45, tall, and classy looking. Her profile said she lived in a fancy suburb outside Chicago, and that she was divorced and had no kids living at home. Perfect person for me, an inveterate professional online dating love junkie 55 years old, good looking, smooth talking and a great hustler of women.

 I sent her an email on match.com which is the online site. She saw my profile and which showed my pictures, age, religion, income, likes and dislikes. All the stuff that is supposed to matter. It may to some. Pictures and not having kids living at home and a convenient location are the only things that matter to me.

She sent her phone number and we chatted briefly and then she told me that she was going to be at this bar a few nights later to meet a girl friend. I asked if I could meet her before her girlfriend got there and she said yes. But, I would only have about 20 minutes to impress her because when her girlfriend showed up I had to leave. What a great bitch!!

I was in love immediately. I was as excited as I got dressed in my only Calvin Klein jeans and only polo shirt. See, I am an online fraud. A guy who has nothing because of gambling and bad investments but who loves to chase women and act like I’m solid personally and financially when in fact I am a mess. The, maybe I find a sugar mama here and there.

I sped to this restaurant in the North Shore and there she was sitting at the bar looking even better then her pictures.  I introduced myself and she initially appeared, from her body language, not be attracted me. She said good try but we were not a match. Then, her girlfriend came and sat down. Meanwhile, I was struggling to find a way to get Trudy captivated and couldn’t. Her girlfriend however saved me by starting to talk to some guy and the pressure to for me to leave abated.

I kept working Trudy psychologically to seduce her mind and body until I could feel her really look at me as I was telling another story. Her eyes twinkled. I knew she was interested. I asked if I still had to go send she said no, not now because her girlfriend was intensely engaged  in a conversation with the guy. So, I just keep on talking to Trudy and pretty soon she stopped looking at her girlfriend and other people and got close to my face and only saw me.

An hour later I asked her if she wanted to take a ride and go to another bar. She said yes after checking with her girlfriend who did not care. She was still involved with this guy. When we got into my car I tried to kiss Trudy and she said no. Easy boy. We went to another bar and stayed till 4 in the morning. I then dropped her off at her car and we agreed to see each other soon. I was totally in love. My love junkie addiction was triggered along with my survival instincts. I had very little money. But, I was walking on the clouds.

I called the next day and we talked for hours. We made plans to go out together for dinner. We went out a few more times with me continually trying to get her turned on but the most that ever happened was hot kissing. I could not afford her. After about a month she finally invited me in her house and we sat by the fire place and made out more only this time we got into petting. Well, we petted and petted for weeks until we had done everything imaginable . We would have some wine, smoke reefer, and swallow each other up endlessly with necking and petting.

But, the bedroom was always waiting upstairs and she would never take me there. Finally, in the midst of being in the throws of passion on the couch she stood up, pointed her finger at the stairs leading to the bedroom. We jumped in bed and fucked all night and all the next day. She came and came and came. She was totally selfish and cared nothing about my satisfaction. She just wanted me to do her right. I did. She said I was the greatest lover in her long history and maybe in the world. This went on for months.

She never let me stay over, never offered any food, and was completely critical of everything I did besides how I made love to her, She never shared any intimacies with me. She was a plain and simple spoiled, sarcastic bitch. But, it was fun getting to her sexually.

She called me the million dollar baby because she thought I was such a long shot to ever end up being her lover we met. She continually questioned out loud how she could be as turned on to someone as not classy, uneducated, and as unsuccessful as me because I was not a professional like she was used to being with..

But, she loved the way I got her off and we literally spent the whole fall season in her bed eventually not even going out. Just wine, dope, and her bed and then me getting kicked out every time afterward. No kindness from her, no appreciation, no invitations for anything more then banging her. Somehow, it all felt perfect though. I loved the torture of not getting all of her when I still thought I wanted to.

So, we finally decided to leave the confines of her bedroom to go somewhere else to fuck. We set up a trip to a small town bed and breakfast. On the way there I happened to disagree with her about some minor issue. The bitch would not talk to me for 2 hours until we got to the bed and breakfast. She threw a total tantrum of silence.. Finally, we got to the bed and breakfast and  went out to dinner. We were still hardly talking.

When the check came I asked her to pay for half the bill since she had belligerently agreed to pay for half the vacation. She literally threw a couple hundred dollar bills at me as if I were garbage. I said thank you very gently to torment her. She wanted to fight.. Suddenly, I saw only the poison behind her great looks. We came back to the inn and had angry sex and went to sleep.

The next morning she wanted to go for a ride in the sand dunes right near by. I thought it was a bad idea because it was storming and freezing and we could get stuck on the beach. She demanded we go anyway. Sure enough, there we were stuck on a beach trapped in a giant sand dune with no help around. The more I tried to get out of the dune the deeper I got stuck. There were a few four wheelers driving around because it was treacherous on this beach. Hardly anyone was out

Finally, a ranger came by and tried to help. Trudy said that I would never be able to follow his directions as he chained his vehicle to my car to pull me out. Trudy demanded I let her drive. At the same time she was yelling at me the ranger was trying to tell me what to do. So, as that nasty head of hers was babbling in my one ear about how stupid I was to get stuck the ranger was yelling instructions from his vehicle on how to get out.

I finally screamed loudly at Trudy to shut the fuck up calling her a fucking bitch. She was shocked as if no one had ever spoken to her that way. We finally got out of the dune. As soon as we hit the road Trudy jumped out of the car which was literally in the middle of nowhere. Some other guys were driving by and she stuck her thumb out to hitch a ride as I followed. She got in their truck and I chased them. I really did not care about this bitch anymore but I could not just leave her in that truck and drive away. What if something happened?  We were a hundred miles from Chicago in a torrential storm. I was actually afraid for her.

Finally, I pulled up beside the guys driving her and explained that she was crazy and they had to get her out of their truck.. They did and after twenty minutes of her walking her fancy ass down the road she was too frozen to continue and got back in my car. Finally, she broke the silence with a rant about how she could have gotten us out of the dune without any help.

She screamed on and on. I just wanted to get her back home again because now she was nothing more then a lunatic out of an Alfred Hitchcock movie. But we were two hours from home. I still had not said a word back to her.

Suddenly, she violently shook her finger at my face and asked why I had screamed up, you fucking bitch at her. I said because she was a fucking bitch.

She then punched me in the side of the face as I was driving. I knew our fate was sealed then for sure and beyond redemption. Someone who resorts to violence will do it again and again.

I said not a word afterward. She had not hurt me. I finally got her within a few blocks of her house. She started to talk to me again. To try and bail out. She said about herself that maybe I need to get some help.

Will I forgive her?

I still said nothing as I finally pulled into her driveway. She called me several times afterward and I would not talk to her giving her no reinforcement for stalking me or other craziness I realized she was capable of.

I think I might be hurt or dead if I was still with this piece of crap, insane demented beauty. There are many fatal attractions out there.

Be careful

An actual OCD episode explained

I have OCD short for obsessive compulsive disorder. If you don't know about it or don't have it then Google it. I have the kind of OCD where thinking over and over about performing some act that I think requires physical courage consumes my life. Today, I just woke up after sleeping 14 hours. For what? Because I do not want to give in to an obsession to call someone and report an unimportant act of rudeness to an old lady I witnessed. I'm hiding from myself.


This van driver was in the driveway of my high rise building. This older lady, who I do not know, was blocked in the parking lot entrance. He thought she had enough room to move around him. He would not move and she kept yelling at him. The frustrated lady jumped out of her car and started yelling at the dope He moved but as he moved he screamed "bitch" at her.


 I was also going to get out of my car and confront the guy when the lady confronted him. I don't know why I did not. Maybe because it happened too fast, because I knew nothing would come of it, because the guy moved and it was over, or whatever my thinking was at the time. I just watched though.  Immediately afterward I called the manager of the building to report the incident only to find out a month later she did no follow up to report this disrespectful guy to his company.  I had gone on at length about the need for her to do something at the time because of his abusiveness.

 I started to get locked into the thought that I should of gotten out of my car and helped the lady. Personal fear was not the issue. I have gotten into many hassles taking action in similar situations even where a physical altercation developed. I have also chickened out of other of the same situations. I have done much scarier things then walk up to that guy and assist the lady in her problem with him. But that time I didn't.

Going any further with this situation would now be sick. I know how to be sick and act out. I know how  to work  out obsessions mentally. I know it is not about courage which is what I once thought it was. Proving physical courage started me on this whole road long to convince myself of my misconception of the definition of  manhood.
 It's all about feeling bullied and not letting it happen. But, I have it wrong.  I always have.

My attempt to face the fear of being bullied has dominated my life. That is what this is about. Courage has been my personal demon. In many instances I have confronted people or unnecessarily started fights just to ease my brain about an insult or other action I felt I had to respond to. It has almost never been about the actual event. It is always about the horrible feeling I get after I think I should have acted and didn't.

Yes. there are times to face fear and fight. This is not that.

So, after I cannot stand being consumed around the clock for days, weeks, months, and even years by something that made me feel like a coward I have gone back to find someone in order to settle my brain. I literally cannot function when I get caught in an OCD trap. Then, the real problems have started. Trouble is waiting for those that try to chase the past incorrectly.

 It has been a mixed bag of me taking enormous and mostly unnecessary risks to relieve the urge to confront someone by speaking out or fighting. There have also been  times where I did not act because of fear. I admit that.

 I have ravaged my life having nothing on my mind except confronting some guy who made an offensive remark to me or someone else. I also have shown remarkable pure guts many times by facing someone in a situation where I know I will get my brains beat out or by facing real danger when someone is being attacked. I have proved I have real guts but it doesn't help the next time.

It is almost never is about the other person either. The victim or the bully. It is always to ease my own mind. It is always about me feeling bullied and not being able to feel better until I act out in some crazy way. I have had a lot of therapy with and without medicine. I have done a lot of Zen, read a lot of books, been in groups. I am also a compulsive gambler clean for over 4 years so I know about the 12 steps..

 I have worked on my OCD problem ever since I learned what it was. I have mostly been a failure.  I know that I can get rid of obsessive urges internally. Hard work has enabled that.But, I always want to act out inappropriately

I am still bad at letting things that trigger me go. So, my new thing was that once I found out the manager of my building did nothing to get that driver reprimanded I started to think I should report him. As soon as I got that thought I recognized it as OCD. I quickly deduced that getting satisfaction now involved doing a whole bunch of OCD steps that would only complicate a situation that now calls for doing nothing. Absolutely nothing. Doing anything externally will only entangle me.

I don't even know that lady or care about her being called a bitch. That is irrelevant now. The only relevant  thing is that I started to feel I must take some action now when it's too late. That's what destroys me. It has in the past. It's a recipe for disaster even when it works.  Acting out is not the solution. It's the problem. It perpetuates the disease instead of stopping it.

 The point is that I want to let this urge to do something go. I have proved to myself I can do that without taking any external action. Because, if I act on this obsession there will just be another and another as there has been for forty years.

So, I'm not afraid to act. I just don't want to nourish my OCD episode. Feeding it gives my condition life for the next time. I have stood before judges, had my eye almost knocked out, and driven myself literally crazy in the past. I could recount a huge amount of similar instances like this one. I am lucky to be able to not be tormented by anything other then this new, small issue. I will treat it correctly.

I know so much about this disorder but it destroys me still.  I feel so good when I clear my mind the right way.The wrong way does not last. I am winning

David's Place Blog Getting Read

Progress. This blog is starting to get read.  Search engines are finding me and page views are increasing   Thank you..

OCD: Not Acting Out Is The Objective

I was working at a pizza place in Chicago a while back. There were many drivers working there and they represented a wide variety of individuals.  The ages ranged from 21 to 65 and I was one of the older ones who were generally not the objects of attention. However, being old did not give me any exemption from the OCD demons that have plagued me.

 I overheard a remark this guy made about Jewish people. I confronted him immediately.and he did not want to apologize and I would not let it go. I quit working there. I eventually came back there to confront him again. I ended up swinging at him. He threw me to the ground telling me to stop swinging or he would hurt me. I left but still could not get closure.

It ended a few months later with me begging him for forgiveness after I finally gathered the courage to go back there again to apologize. It was not about the Jewish remark anymore. It never had been. It was about how living with the remark had made me into an anxiety ridden mess. Like someone who is not allowed to check the door or stove again and again feels the urge ala Jack Nicholson in "As Good As It Gets".Same thing.

 I always think I have to confront anyone who has bullied me in some way. The bullying comes sometimes with another person making a comment to me or to someone else that offends me.
 It could be a remark about the Jewish religion. That's been a big area.

It's not that I am really sensitive when someone says something offensive about Jewish people. It's that I cannot feel comfortable about being around that person until I have confronted them about what they said.
 I usually respond but not in the perfect way I wanted to. Then, I start thinking about the what ifs.

 I become overwhelmed by the perceived insult or comment and cannot think about anything else until I get closure. I get nervous, jittery, anxious, scared about consequences and all the feelings one feels when they decide they will confront the schoolyard bully and wait fearfully to do it.

Relief usually comes from a successful confrontation. Successful means the person who made the remark, when challenged, apologizes or somehow shows that they  meant no insult. If that person gets angry at being challenged about a remark they are being called out on and they refuse to give me relief then the situation escalates. 

I will go back to that person again and again if I can. Or, I will become possessed by the remark replaying it over and over. It will occupy my mind for days, weeks, months, or even years.  It will take many forms until I actually forget about the original cause of my anxiety. So, I, am constantly the victim of my own mind.

That has been  happening forever. The irony is that it is usually not really about what I heard. It is about my sick mind staying tortured until I can get rid of the obsession to respond. I have the need to prove to myself again that I have the courage to stand up for myself or fight back. The courage I lacked and still lack in many instances.

 I was bullied when I was younger and tried for all these years to get over it. That's what my whole thing is about.  It's about not feeling safe and comfortable  until I confront the bully no matter what form the bully is in Just like being scared to stand up for myself when I was little and was afraid or unwilling to hit back.

It is always connected to a person I want to overcome the feeling of being intimidated by. It could start with a barking dog but it is always about confronting the owner. If the owner is a nice little lady I stop caring about the barking. The underlying factor is that I'm  looking for reassurance that I am not being bullied.

It has happened where a situation started with a remark a person made and it ends up with me apologizing to them, after me being unsuccessful in getting an apology. I desperately want the relief of getting closure with that person.  I cannot get my mind back until I do.

I have suffered brutally from this OCD condition in other areas.  Needing to explain myself when I think I have said or done something wrong. I slightly brushed against someones car a while back doing no damage. I could not stop going back to the car over and over checking it again. Then, even after a few weeks I hesitated going down the street where it was parked because it would trigger OCD feelings.

Fortunately, relief came by just accepting the feeling of living with the urge to check that car again knowing it was my OCD causing it. That was an accomplishment. Resolving that car thing from within was terrific. The real underlying fear was a confrontation with the owner of the car. I knew that but it is so hard not to act when the urge is there.

 I continually try to work OCD urges out in my mind and keep vowing to only do the work internally rather then acting out. It is hard. Even after lots of cognitive and talk therapy, SSRI medicines, I suffer terribly. Each day is filled with anxiety. but, not acting is a big achievement. Not acting out is the objective to OCD.

 It takes a lot of work but I'm way better now then in the past. The  real solution to relieving OCD urges is when you need only your own understanding to resolve them. That's real success.

But, it has not always worked that way. I have gotten into terrible trouble engaging people for no reason. The biggest victim has been myself. Most of my life has been tormented every day by some OCD situation preventing me from living.

So, the real bully is my inability to confront the OCD that lives within me and not act on it

Mickey Cohen

Meyer Harris "Mickey" Cohen was a short, violent Jewish gangster  in Los Angeles in the forties and fifties. He is portrayed by Sean Penn in the film Gangster Squad. Cohen was born Sept. 4,1913 in Brooklyn and died July 29, 1976. He was an intimidating ex prize fighter who was totally ruthless. But, he had that candid, crazy personality that attracted a huge following of people.

 He hung out with Frank Sinatra and Lana Turner and employed Johnny Stompanato, Lana's boy toy, as a bodyguard. Not a very good one either. Lana's daughter stabbed him to death so the story goes.Sean Connery (James Bond) once knocked out Stompanato who was having a fit of jealousy.

Check this out at Biography.com. Love these real life mob guys.

Compulsive Gambler Says No No No To Gambling

I'm dying to gamble. It could be going to the casino and playing poker, slots, craps. It could be playing poker online. It could be betting on basketball, hockey, or anything at all. I will gamble on flipping coins for thousands of dollars.

 I am a sick, degenerate compulsive gambler. Yet, I sit in my penthouse apartment writing, watching TV, talking on the phone and doing anything but gambling. Why don't I? considering the horrible urge I feel to  just do it. No. No. No.  I have not made a bet since January 9, 2009.  I don't intend to. Today.

That is why I now have some money now, can sleep, can afford to support myself, have no bills that are late, no bookmakers chasing me, no credit card companies or banks hunting me down.and all the other problems that come with being a compulsive gambler. So, my painful effort to not give into my urge is part of the price that must be paid in return for the freedom of not being broke and miserable.

I have to tell myself this story because for fifty of my sixty four years I lost every dime I made. I lost millions. I cheated my family, friends, business associates and am lucky to be sitting here with my biggest problem being unable to gamble.

It would be easy to lie to myself and decide I could gamble for small amounts and not let it get out of control. I might even be able to do it for a while. But, eventually the gambling demon would take me over. I would lose all control.  That would be the road back to a hell that I have already been to several times.

Instead, I go to Gamblers Anonymous twice a week or more every week of the year. I listen again and again to stories of have heard before. They are sad stories from people who are compulsive gamblers but will not stop. Only about 2% of the people who come to a Gamblers Anonymous meeting stay abstinent beyond a single year. Most come to a few meetings because of their wive, husband, or girlfriend and they never come back or come back years later and then like me relapse again and again. I relapsed four times before I quit over four years ago.

I continually take my medicine which is going to meetings, being involved with other compulsive gamblers, writing about gambling and whatever else I need to do to distract myself from gambling urges. Compulsive Gambling is an evil, diabolical, insidious disease that shows no mercy. There is no medicine besides self help.